I don’t like talking on the phone... (is that so wrong?)

[Curiousroxy86]

op I really dont get into attachment styles but I cant help but get the sense you have an avoidant attachment style when I look at your posts. I could be wrong though....

 

you not talking on the phone isnt "wrong" however people who value intimacy and getting to know their significant other imo talk on the phone for the most part in between seeing each other...unless you see each other ALOT in a week on a weekly basis to the point that talking on the phone just isnt needed.

 

there are men out there who are like you or at the least dont mind talking on the phone less so I dont think how you feel will be hard for you in dating but I predict you will continue to have problems if you continue to date guys who do value talking on the phone....

[Curiousroxy86]

you mentioned in this thread how to communicate the fact that you dont talk on the phone...

 

honestly address it when it comes up as you would any other boundary you may have. and you can address it in a way to show that your still interested in the guy without being off putting

 

if he is like "call me" just say "I am not the type to talk on the phone unless its an emergency but I look forward to seeing you soon " or "look forward to continue texting". its his choice to continue to talk to you/date you

 

if he makes a comment "you never want to talk on the phone" then say "sorry hun but talking on the phone is not my thing. I do look forward to getting to know you face to face".

 

so he gets an understanding where you stand but you still make it clear that your interested

 

with anything you choose to stand on you have to be okay with those who dont want to stand with you and you also have to be okay with how you want to comprise on who does stand with you. good luck

[ElKay]

Both my mom and I hate calling. In my case, I am only okay calling if it's someone that I love chatting with endlessly like a best friend or bf.

 

Just be upfront with what you need or how you are and they'll either adapt or move on.

It wouldn't hurt to compromise and answer a quick question over the phone.

 

One guy from OLD refused to meet without a call, so I wished him the best on his search. His loss.

[Curiousroxy86]

One guy from OLD refused to meet without a call, so I wished him the best on his search. His loss.

 

personally I dont blame him. meeting people off the internet without talking on the phone sets people up to go on many bad dates. if you have chemistry on the phone then its a better chance you have chemistry on the date. you can detect red flags on the phne and save you from wasting a date. and for men who often are expected to pay this is very important lol. and I dont think its fun going through a whole bunch of quick meet coffee dates with someone that you may or may not like. atleast on the phone getting acquainted they wont feel so much like a stranger and the date turns out to be much more enjoyable in my opinion.

[OatsAndHall]

I prefer text for conveying simple information; there's no need for me to call someone to secure a meeting time or something along those lines. But, I refuse to do long, drawn out conversations over text as it's not as convenient as people think it is.

 

 

 

Case in point:

 

 

I met a gal that I was messaging with last night. We've been talking awhile and we've chatted over the phone but she prefers text. She's a nice enough woman but I was bombarded with texts for five hours last night. She shot me texts even after I told her that I had work to do and my phone was going away. I was messing around with a spreadsheet for two hours, checked my phone after and had four texts from her. One of them was "How's the spreadsheet coming?"

 

 

 

Now, don't get me wrong, she's a nice woman and I enjoy her company. But, I don't have my phone out constantly and it gets frustrating when I look at it and there's a bunch of texts. Especially when they send questions as I feel obligated to answer quickly. Her and I could have chit-chatted over the phone for a around a half hour last night and more information would have gone back and forth than in the texts..

 

 

And, the lack of tone behind text drives me insane. My sense of humor is dry and sarcastic and it doesn't matter how many stupid emojis I include in a text; people often assume I'm upset or being rude. So; conversations and chit chat are best for me over the phone.

Edited June 27, 2019 by OatsAndHall

[schlumpy]

I also prefer not to talk on the phone.

 

For me it's about time management and the ability to present my best ideas to the person I'm corresponding with.

 

With email, I can control the amount of time I put in to the answer and the time of day I answer. Neither one is possible on the phone. There are many people in this world that can't take the hint as to when the conversation is over. That's not a problem with email.

 

I also find that my answer or conversation occurs at a deeper thought level where during a phone conversation I might say something off the top of my head that was influenced by my need to watch my favorite tv show. The beauty of email is I can save what I was writing, catch that important star trek episode, and finish that email with the thought it deserves.

 

I also don't have a stockpile of one-liners to throw out during a conversation or to fill those empty gaps between subjects. That can give the wrong impression to my phone buddy.

 

I have to agree that face-to-face or phone conversations are necessary at times and with certain types of people that need to hear a voice. There is quite a bit of information to be harvested from tonal inflections. Even so, I have never felt that my preference was misguided. If it was an important topic I would choose phone over email.

 

As a result I own a flip phone mostly for emergency which in my mind is the cell phones greatest utility and I also have a land line to the house.

 

I get kidded a lot about the phone from friends and other people within my music group but I also build my own computers and while that doesn't make me a maven it does show a level above dinosaur when it comes to technical knowledge.

 

Best Wishes

[schlumpy]

I think we are losing this ability to relate to one another on a human level and are relying too much on technology and screen time. Psychiatrists are calling the very little kids now Swiper Wipers - they know how to swipe on a tablet before they are toilet trained. Know what that will do to brain development? We'll see.

 

 

When I was growing up, it was television that was destroying society and I imagine for my parents it was radio. All hyped to the public through very learned people with psychology degrees.

 

Psychology is and always will be a soft science best compared to weather prediction.

[surferchic]

op I really dont get into attachment styles but I cant help but get the sense you have an avoidant attachment style when I look at your posts. I could be wrong though....

 

you not talking on the phone isnt "wrong" however people who value intimacy and getting to know their significant other imo talk on the phone for the most part in between seeing each other...unless you see each other ALOT in a week on a weekly basis to the point that talking on the phone just isnt needed.

 

there are men out there who are like you or at the least dont mind talking on the phone less so I dont think how you feel will be hard for you in dating but I predict you will continue to have problems if you continue to date guys who do value talking on the phone....

 

Thanks.

 

Yes we were seeing each other a lot during the week. Every now and then it shifts but I think that’s why I felt anxious in searching for things to say because we typically see each other several times a week. It makes things get “old” quicker IMO.

[Curiousroxy86]

are you afraid of things getting old because you are trying to keep from losing interest in the guy or are you afraid of things getting old because he will lose interest in you?

 

because you seem to be the only one out of you and the guy worried about keeping things fresh lol. I mean if you had issues in the past where you lost a guy due to things getting stale I can understand your fear but im wondering if the reason your so adamant to the point that its a pattern of contention in your relationships is that you are the one who is kinda feeling like things are monotonous and thats where this "anxiety" is coming from?

[surferchic]

Both my mom and I hate calling. In my case, I am only okay calling if it's someone that I love chatting with endlessly like a best friend or bf.

 

Just be upfront with what you need or how you are and they'll either adapt or move on.

It wouldn't hurt to compromise and answer a quick question over the phone.

 

One guy from OLD refused to meet without a call, so I wished him the best on his search. His loss.

 

Yep makes sense.

 

I have told BF how I feel about talking on the phone and I have been doing lots of talking on the phone lately. It’s mostly if we have to discuss details about something or a brief midday check in.

 

He knows my feelings about it. I do think though, that his intention is to get me to gradually talk more because he hates texting. But he definitely compromises by texting me more than he’d like. We have discussed this. However, we may need a maintenance check every now and then. ?

[surferchic]

I prefer text for conveying simple information; there's no need for me to call someone to secure a meeting time or something along those lines. But, I refuse to do long, drawn out conversations over text as it's not as convenient as people think it is.....

 

That’s funny @ sense of humor being dry and sarcastic. I’m the female version of that. And yes some people don’t take it well over text (or on a call). Still I insist on texting moreso than talking.

 

Question Oatsandhall: Why would u be annoyed with the text messages? Because you simply prefer talking or because you were working? Do you prefer the connection of calls? Or did you just prefer not communicating any more that day, with the woman?

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[surferchic]

I also prefer not to talk on the phone. For me it's about time management and the ability to present my best ideas to the person I'm corresponding with. With email, I can control the amount of time I put in to the answer and the time of day I answer. Neither one is possible on the phone. There are many people in this world that can't take the hint as to when the conversation is over. That's not a problem with email....

 

Yes!^^^ you sound like me. And it’s cool that you’re a techie.

 

it’s the expectation of immediate responses that I push back on. And the lulls in conversation. My bf doesn’t mind the lulls. I honestly don’t understand that. But I can appreciate our differences with that regard.

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

It's incredible isn't it? Where is all of this anxiety coming from or why are they so anxious?

 

It's just like anxiety when you don't drive for awhile. The longer you don't drive, you get anxious about driving. People shouldn't let themselves become so handicapped by everyday things, especially everyday things that will limit their relationships and in favor of a medium which is the worst for real communication and should be left to "I'm in the lobby."

[surferchic]

are you afraid of things getting old because you are trying to keep from losing interest in the guy or are you afraid of things getting old because he will lose interest in you?

 

because you seem to be the only one out of you and the guy worried about keeping things fresh lol. I mean if you had issues in the past where you lost a guy due to things getting stale I can understand your fear but im wondering if the reason your so adamant to the point that its a pattern of contention in your relationships is that you are the one who is kinda feeling like things are monotonous and thats where this "anxiety" is coming from?

 

Good question. And I’m not sure which one it is per se. but as I told my bf verbatim... I don’t want EITHER of us to get tired of the other.

 

I do tend to have a short attention span at times. I’m a creative . And i consider myself to be pretty reflective.

 

I'm not certain that I’ve lost any man due to boredom. Perhaps, but he never said it. I have felt thins get monotonous before but is that a natural periodic occurrence in relationships?

 

I have probably interpreted monotony for problems, in the past. And perhaps still now. I get anxious when I feel like things are too monotonous. Yes I also have a bit of anxiety. It’s the laid back /silent kind though where people misconstrue me as nonchalant, which is not the case.

 

-------------------

And you’re right. He doesn’t seem to be concerned with things getting too monotonous. And he’s the one who doesn’t mind just sitting in the phone with nothing to say as a means to seemingly just see me and ask where I’m at and where I’m going as my background changes.

 

I’ll try to get off the phone to let him work or whatever and he’ll insist on me staying on the phone with some comment to make me feel compelled to stay on the phone. It’s cute sometimes but does make me wonder if and why I feel so anxious or why he seems to insist on me staying on the phone...control or what?

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[elaine567]

People shouldn't let themselves become so handicapped by everyday things, especially everyday things that will limit their relationships...

 

Exactly..

Anything that is considered "normal" needs to be embraced and any anxieties got over and fixed.

It may be seen as "cutesy" for a while but anxieties over everyday things, starts to become a pain pretty fast and the "crazy" label is then applied.

 

OP

You want to be seen as a well rounded, balanced adult, not as someone who can't even communicate via a simple phone call..

[OatsAndHall]

That’s funny @ sense of humor being dry and sarcastic. I’m the female version of that. And yes some people don’t take it well over text (or on a call). Still I insist on texting moreso than talking.

 

Question Oatsandhall: Why would u be annoyed with the text messages? Because you simply prefer talking or because you were working? Do you prefer the connection of calls? Or did you just prefer not communicating any more that day, with the woman?

 

 

 

 

My dry sense of humor has caused more misunderstandings via text than I can count.. Just yesterday, I spent a half hour trying to reassure an Australian gal I play video games with that I wasn't upset with her over anything. All because of a smart a-- text she misread... And, we've been friends for a few years, chatted via XBox Live and over text.

 

 

Text "conversations" tend to annoy me, not necessarily texting in and of itself. When someone wants to hold a conversation via text, I end up feeling obligated to have my phone in front of me which I dislike. With a phone conversation, we can hear each others' tone of voice, I can really let my sarcasm flow, and the conversation feels like it has more substance to me. But, I'm a naturally chatty individual and can hold a pretty decent phone conversation. Not so much via text.

 

 

Last night, I was annoyed because I was working through a nasty spread sheet but I had to leave my ringer on in case as one my new boss was going to be contacting me about some coaching stuff.. I politely explained to the woman that I was going to be busy for a couple of hours but my phone kept going off and interrupting my train of thought. It would've been a different story if I could have turned the phone off.

 

 

 

I enjoy communicating with this woman as she's a sweet person. But, as with many people I've met, they want to text all day long and that's just not my thing. I've explained this but it doesn't stop people from texting me from sun up to sun down.

[Rockdad]

My silly parents and educators taught me how to actually "Talk." Crazy isn't it? I have customers that somehow have gotten my cell number and want to do business by text. By the 3rd text I want to chuck my the iphone across the room. Call me old school but good business practices are not performed by text and neither are relationships.

[smackie9]

If I was dating again I would really enjoy facetiming. The sound of their voice, seeing the smile on their face....I value that sort of thing.

 

 

When it comes to business, everyone phones me because having a discussion is way quicker, and I always like to chill out with them with some humor to build a good rapport. I definitely get way better service that way.

Edited June 27, 2019 by smackie9

[Kitty Tantrum]

I hate talking on the phone, I hate texting, I hate emailing. Talk to me in person or drop a letter in the mail.

 

I used to throw all of this under the heading of "anxiety" because that's the easy and popular explanation/excuse, but in my case it's really more a lack of patience with the idea that anyone and everyone should have a direct line of communication, with me, available to them wherever and whenever they please - and the expectation that I keep pace with everyone else in terms of response time, etc.

 

It's been a very real point of contention for my entire life since getting the internet and my first cell phone. Someone calls my phone and I don't pick up for whatever reason - so instead of leaving a message, they proceed to call 4-5 more times, as if there is no reason for anyone with a cellphone to ever NOT answer right away. Same thing with texts - don't reply within a few minutes, get a barrage of additional messages asking why I'm not responding.

 

There is little more infuriating than receiving a barrage of calls and texts from someone who seems to be URGENTLY trying to get ahold of me - and stopping whatever I'm doing, finding a place sufficiently free of noise pollution, and returning the call... just to have my concern greeted by "oh hey, what's up, I was bored and wanted to chat, how are you?"

 

Even my own mother, who also claims to hate electronic communication, has given me crap about this - as if I have an obligation to adopt this weird repugnant policy of hyper-connectedness, JUST because "technology makes it so easy these days."

 

It's not actually that the form/tool of communication itself makes me anxious - it's the anticipation of the fact that the vast majority of people have NO. FRICKING. MANNERS.

 

Back in the days when the phone was necessarily attached to the wall, everybody understood that the time for telephone calls was when both parties were at home and had free time. Now everybody expects to be multi-tasked into whatever else I'm doing at any given moment. And if I do take the time to have a phone conversation, it's almost GUARANTEED that I've only got about half of the other person's attention (at most), because they're multi-tasking ME (driving, grocery shopping, eating, watching TV, etc.).

 

No thanks.

 

It's different for business communications, of course. MOST people still understand that BUSINESS communications at least should be reserved for the appropriate time/context. BUSINESS communications have always and nearly without exception been some of the most pleasant electronic/telephone exchanges I've had.

 

People who aren't getting paid to be courteous don't seem to have any such inclination.

[crispytoast]

My silly parents and educators taught me how to actually "Talk." Crazy isn't it? I have customers that somehow have gotten my cell number and want to do business by text. By the 3rd text I want to chuck my the iphone across the room. Call me old school but good business practices are not performed by text and neither are relationships.

Well said good sir

[Curiousroxy86]

Op just an observation. I don’t know you of course and I will admit I haven’t followed everything you shared on ls so take it all with a grain of salt...

 

I think there is only so much “closeness” that you can take. I think if it was up to you that you can do without a lot of time spent not only on the phone but together. And I am going off of what I read not only here but in things I’ve seen from you prior. I think this anxiety you feel is your personal limit when it comes to intimacy. Your boyfriend stays on the phone even when there is nothing to say because he just likes to be around you. He likes your presence. That concept is not even what you think of and if you do it’s not important to you. You feel there needs to be some other “important” reason to be on the phone with your guy. It isn’t to say he is right and your wrong. He could very well be a needy boyfriend. But I have to say I feel like you and him could very well just be a match made in hell. Your compromising which is good but it seems you and his differences still very much worry you hence you making the posts that you make. I think your anxiety of things getting stale is more so you afraid of getting tired of him and not the other way around. The actions we take in relationships a lot of times even if it’s for the other person are normally born out of our own agendas/desires. For example I am an affectionate person because that’s how I love to show care or “love”. I love to receive affection and affection feels good and therefore I give affection. You give space because you want to take space and see the great benefits when you have space and therefore you give those benefits to the men you date...even if they don’t want it lol.

 

I think for you op with your current boo you need to realize that you guys are fundementally different on what you deem “important”. You not wanting to talk on the phone yet he does.

you being okay with alone time yet he is not....y’all just don’t agree on what you individually important. That is something that can’t be ignore. That’s not a death sentence to your relationship.....yet. That doesn’t make you “wrong”. But you being aware of it puts you in a powerful position. You know talking on the phone and being around him is important to him so that allows you to give value in the relationship by doing the things he likes and “needs” from a partner BUT at the same time you have your “needs” so when you reach your limit you have to ensure you take care of yourself as well. you need to be upfront and you need to take a stand during those times you reach that intimacy threshold. Not in a way that makes him feel bad. Just do it in a lovingly respectful way. A lot of these you already do....You get off the phone when you need to, if he call you during a time your not ready to talk then you call him back when you are and if it’s prolong give him a courtesy heads up text “babe I’ll call you back at xyz time”, you still take alone time when y’all are not together....if he trips no need to feel bad about yourself. Take a stand where you feel it is right and times that it’s not a big deal let your man have his way....that’s called relationship maintenance. If it gets to the point where this relationship doesn’t seem worth it because maybe he is being unreasonable most of the time, causing conflict when you trying to be accommodating, not respecting your boundaries, not caring about needs and only his.....then your going to have to cut the boy loose. This is pretty much what you would have to do with any guy you date and let the chips fall where they may and the right one will stick.

 

Good luck

[schlumpy]

I hate talking on the phone, I hate texting, I hate emailing. Talk to me in person or drop a letter in the mail. I used to throw all of this under the heading of "anxiety" because that's the easy and popular explanation/excuse, but in my case it's really more a lack of patience with the idea that anyone and everyone should have a direct line of communication, with me, available to them wherever and whenever they please - and the expectation that I keep pace with everyone else in terms of response time, etc.......

 

IMHO this is a fine piece of writing. As you smoothly moved from point to point, I was like a cat watching a laser pointer.

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[surferchic]

Exactly..

Anything that is considered "normal" needs to be embraced and any anxieties got over and fixed.

It may be seen as "cutesy" for a while but anxieties over everyday things, starts to become a pain pretty fast and the "crazy" label is then applied.

 

OP

You want to be seen as a well rounded, balanced adult, not as someone who can't even communicate via a simple phone call..

 

So... when I said cute I was referring to him. I don’t think what I do is cute or not cute. It just is what it is.

 

I talk to people for a living,similar to another poster, so I think my issue is coupled with me trying to create a balance btwn work and home life.

 

I communicate fine via phone calls. So I’m not sure what you mean just because my preference is different from most and doesn’t conform to the majority.

[surferchic]

@ curiousroxy86 ——— Wow, I really appreciate the post. You’ve given me a few things to think about. And you’re in point with most of it.

 

I just have to give a definitive answer in that, I do like being around my bf a lot. And I’m very affectionate. I just called him a little while ago and we were both happy to hear each other’s voice. We talked for a while though about different things which is normal for us because again, we met as FRIENDS. I do feel like in the beginning stage of relationships (mine anyway) things to talk about flow easier. Right now I feel like we’re at the next stage where we’re both more comfortable with one another where we share more intimate and personal details that we wouldn’t have, in the earlier stage.

 

I’m feeling like perhaps my love for men isn’t as clear as I assume it is. .For me that’s sad, because I don’t like being alone all the time. AND I do really like and care for my BF. We’ve both shared the fact that sometimes neither of us communicate as well as we could.

 

I just want to know that when conversations have lulls it doesn’t mean that things are going south.

 

I also want to know if it’s normal to withhold telling your SO that you miss them sometimes. Currently I do tell him most of the time and I we feed off of one another’s energy a lot. Nuances can vary I suppose...

 

I feel like the relationship may be better than what I’m making it sound. The problems may be in me with my fear of things not working out in the end due to other things I haven’t mentioned.

Edited June 27, 2019 by surferchic

[Curiousroxy86]

Imo it is the differences that we give a damn about that makes or breaks a relationship. That and how one or both handles those differences. You can only do your part and only time will tell if you continue to do your part and he will continue to do his...

 

You say that you “want to know that when conversations have lulls it doesn’t mean that things are going south.”...well I say it doesn’t mean that all the time and I would think most of the time it don’t but I think the key for anyone to want to maintain a good relationship for a long time is to find a way to be okay with lulls because they are inevitable. Your going to have them when your with anyone your familiar with. Be okay with familiarity and be comfortable. One should feel safe in the relationship. I would argue that trying to facilitate passion all the time would be tiring and futile all at the same time. This does not mean you stop passion all together btw. Not saying be lazy. Not saying accept prolonged boredom. People who “work” at their relationships do shake things up but in a good way. Yes shaking things up means respecting each other’s autonomy. It does also mean you don’t lose yourself and continue to do what feeds you individually. It means have boundaries. But shaking things up also means trying new things together and continue to do what your partner likes (that’s within your boundary of course). So maybe just reframe that fear... when there is a lull it’s not the end of the world and it actually can be a good thing but if it becomes an “actually problem” then I know how to address it. The good thing about the way you see things is that you already naturally have a routine that encourages desire and shakes things up but just be careful because you don’t want to be so focus on your fear of things going south that you do things that makes your guy feels disconnected. With everything find your balance (which I think your already trying to do).

 

Now when it comes to I miss yous and I love you’s. Personally I’m of the camp that you show me better than you can tell me and vice versa. If your guys love language is words then give your guy what he wants. Tell him you miss him from time to time. no need to withhold. My personal default setting is not words so I tend to only say things like that when it is said to me. I would say it more if a guy express he needs that. My love language personally is quality time and physical touch. So to answer your question...it depends on the guy honestly. Some guys don’t need to hear it but rather you show it. Some guys need to hear it too. How to tell what kind of guy you have on your hands? Well pay attention to his complaints. Again it’s the differences we give a damn about that makes or breaks a relationship...so if a guy has a grievance well then he is telling you what he wants/needs in a relationship and you have to make a decision what to do with that.

 

Concerning your fear of it not working out I would leave you with two things that I think could be helpful. 1) don’t be afraid to lose a guy. Why? Well a) it’s always a chance you might over things outside of your control or desire b) that fear can have you doing things that cause you to do what you fear which is lose a guy prematurely or worse hold on to a guy you should lose lol. So I say don’t be afraid. Do be a good partner. Do stick to your boundaries. Do think thats enough. The Right guy will stick. If you do those things and it doesn’t workout then it just means he is not the right guy. What more can you do except totally change yourself into what he wants you to be? and if you don’t want to change well then you unapologetically be yourself and a good partner and be okay with the possibility that the guy will either take you or leave you. put it in it’s proper perspective 2) address issues that are actually in front of you and try not to worry too much about issues that’s not even there yet. Your worried about things not getting stale and you got men complaining that you don’t talk on the phone for example lol. And quite honestly I think your doing as best as can be done coming from the stand point as far as how you feel. You are compromising and at the same you are sticking to your boundaries in terms of how you feel about the phone and your alone time. if there is any room for improvement I would just finesse the communication during times of conflict so your guy does feel the care you have. Also try to not care about the outcome even when boo boo sulks cause he not getting his way lol. Your his girlfriend not his genie.

 

As always just my chump change

 

Good luck