Partner in contact with ex despite my requests

[CKJD]

There are many reasons people lie. Most likely to avoid "getting in trouble"..

 

She knew you'd be upset when you found out, so she tried to hide it. Not going to work out so well for her, however.

 

This really resonates with me because I think the girl I was seeing had a very similar outlook.

[PeaceAndLove1]

I haven't predicted this move she makes now. She is trying to get me a job in company she works for in different department, so I can move back in with her with no logistics issues and so on. That would be something contrary to the whole view I have been having by now.

[BluesPower]

I haven't predicted this move she makes now. She is trying to get me a job in company she works for in different department, so I can move back in with her with no logistics issues and so on. That would be something contrary to the whole view I have been having by now.

 

So what are you saying... Are you saying that you don't believe that she was cheating with her Ex? Am I misunderstanding?

 

Dude, if that is where your mind is you had better wake up...

[PeaceAndLove1]

I am trying to use logic here and getting grip of what the heck she is doing in bigger picture. But I think for my own health, I ll give up on this task.

[Becky_19]

Women can be very confusing.

 

Do you know of the nature of her relationship with him? I understand he is her ex and she cheated with him before in a past life, however it’s possible that she developed a friendship with him as well. It’s possible that she has no romantic feelings for him but she values his friendship, maybe he supported her through her husbands death? To me it could explain her behaviour.

 

Also, I think her suggesting you take a job with her could be her way of creating an environment where you can trust her. See I don’t believe that once a cheater always a cheater is a thing because circumstances are important. She might be hoping that if you firsthand experience the nature of the contact she has to have with him for work you can trust her. So rather than telling you because at this point you can’t believe her word. I’m not sure, just trying to throw an alternate perspective.

 

Sometimes our own insecurities can influence our perspectives. If you want to know (and I’m suspecting you’re thinking of giving her another chance that’s why you’re here) you should talk to her about it, it could be difficult to hear some things but it will probably give you more clarity.

[marky00]

There are many reasons people lie. Most likely to avoid "getting in trouble"..

 

She knew you'd be upset when you found out, so she tried to hide it. Not going to work out so well for her, however.

 

Pretty much.

 

Its probably because once the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back. The cheater or the dumper knows the dumpee is going to get emotionally wrecked which of course will have a profound affect on the relationship.

 

Even if a dumper wants out, most would preferably to not nuke whatever good in the relationship still remains. So they will try various strategies like the "slow fade" etc.

 

Another possibility is they want to avoid any further drama forthcoming from the dumpee. To avoid further drama, they withhold the truth up to the very last minute.

[PeaceAndLove1]

Sometimes our own insecurities can influence our perspectives. If you want to know (and I’m suspecting you’re thinking of giving her another chance that’s why you’re here) you should talk to her about it, it could be difficult to hear some things but it will probably give you more clarity.

 

This is exactly how she explains it. He gave her helping hand, acted as her best friend, she says she was in poor emotional state at that time and didnt care of his background, she just wanted to get filled on her needs.

I know I am sensitive on honesty, too many bad experiences in the past that came from me being unaware and not believing in unbelivable. My reaction was rapid. I packed within a week. All dreams got burried.

What bothers me most is that my crystal clear communitation and what I did to be with her, didnt make her follow. I sent a few strong warnings and still to her it is a minor reason for such a move. What she did (even if she just wanted to keep in touch with him) was against what we have agreed. As well between Sep and May I occasionaly asked out of a blue questions in likes "you are not in touch with him are you?". These were coming from my own insecutities. She would then assure me that all is as we agreed. And then it fell apart. It is almost a round year of telling small lies about it. I dont like it. It is a huge turn off, she fecked up, I still love her much, but dont believe any more. To continue this relationship I would have to chip her and send secret service after her. Thats not my style. I enjoy my sleep at night.

[Malin889]

There’s way too much going on with this woman. You must be exhausred with all the drama. Find someone who is drama-free.

[PeaceAndLove1]

I am indeed.

[Orokotikki]

I am sorry for your pain.

Her actions tell you who she really is, and how she does not respect or value you.

I am sorry but let this pain teach you the lesson of how she truly is, so you can learn and avoid her.

 

She may be beautiful and the sex may be great, but can you have a relationship without the respect? Or learning later that you shared her?

 

I think you must be a good person, and smart to see this now, that you should move on.

 

It will teach her and improve her life as well, to learn that she cannot manipulate and disrespect good men, so if she learns from this, she will stop this behavior and learn better boundaries.

[preraph]

I mean, she figured why not keep this FWB around and keep you too. It's pretty much that simple. She has that sneaky thing going with him and they're both enjoying it and they're both betraying their partners.

 

I think you know what to do unless you want this to be your new lifestyle. Sorry. Some people have no loyalty or ethics. If you're not having kids together, maybe it doesn't much matter if she has ethics, but it's always going to be a thorn in your side and I'm assuming you can do better.

[PeaceAndLove1]

I made it back with her through setting list of my requests she must comply with. Within a month she breached about three of them explaining it with some logical reasons (dressing it differently than it looks to make it acceptable).

[DKT3]

I made it back with her through setting list of my requests she must comply with. Within a month she breached about three of them explaining it with some logical reasons (dressing it differently than it looks to make it acceptable).

 

Man, you aren't getting it are you? Your wife will continue to act wayward because she is In deep, lacks respect for you and clearly believes she can keep manipulating you.

 

The question is what do you plan on doing now? Continue to place trust in her and give her more opportunities to prove she cant be the wife you deserve?

[PeaceAndLove1]

Thank you for your honesty. I need to think about it.

[DKT3]

Thank you for your honesty. I need to think about it.

 

I think you need to start putting your foot down, not thinking about it.

 

I get it, you want nothing more than to believe her and that she has your best interests at heart. You cant and she doesn't. She is gaslighting you, she has you willing to believe up is down and red is blue. You HAVE to start protecting yourself. She has shown you who she is, why cant you believe it?

[Mardelis]

I made it back with her through setting list of my requests she must comply with. Within a month she breached about three of them

 

 

Yet you are apparently still with her.

 

Have you decided what it's going to take for you to pull the plug for good? Would it be 5 more lies? 10? Catching her in bed with the other guy?

[PeaceAndLove1]

[update-merged threads]

 

 

1. "By accident" she met this guy again2 weeks ago at business dinner, rang him that day apparently looking for other Cient to whom she couldnt get through, they asked each other if they both will be at the dinner. She rang me straight after dinner on the way home, but I was asleep at that time and didnt pick up. She told me about it next day, but story had holes which I uncovered my own way. She knew I will blow up so she drove 150 miles to soothe me.

2. On other occasion recently she went out with 9 foreign Clients for a dinner (other dinner;) It was true. On the way back home she was rejecting my calls as she was with her boss in the taxi and couldnt talk. She rang me after getting into bed, drunk, flaked out half way through our conversation. Told me in the morning she doesnt remember much from point of taxi drive. Young daughter helped her throwing up in the night - was that pissed.

I don't like women who can't control themselves when drinking. This is not the first time.

 

 

Relationship is over. Called all Chrimstmas/New Year get aways off. She rings crying every so on, doesnt understand why I left. I am using my logic to explain, she says old stuff - I won't do it again.

Pity... beautiful, sexy, quite intelligent woman. But too much mess.

 

 

Thank you all for your help.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads

[DKT3]

As I said in your pervious thread, she has a long history with the guy and she simply isn't willing to let it go. She knows she has no future with him, which is why you were in the picture to start with. She cheated on her husband with this guy and continued to take whatever she can get from him.

 

Good call on finally ending this joke of a relationship. If you want to look inside her head to see what she is thinking pop over to the other woman section and read, you will find women who confuse addiction with love, your ex is addicted to this guy and wont likely break the addiction without first being honest with herself.

 

Your not married to her, you dont have kids with her so with what's already happened it's best to walk away.

[PeaceAndLove1]

...it's best to walk away.

 

I am really really tiered of women who lie, try to manipulate. Life can be very simple without it.

This relationship did cost me a lot. I hope this is the last time I am getting myself into such a mess.

Now I am free, happy, meeting other woman who seem to be delighted to find and me and who even removed her profile from dating app after saying "Lets spend some time together".

 

Thank you DKT3

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PeaceAndLove1]

We met every few weeks just to spend night together in hotels, to eat, talk and have sex. We are not together. There has been plenty of accusations in our conversations. I blocked her on my mobile and unblocking only when I want to speak to her. After once again I am falling into a trap of conflict with her, she is now telling me she is... pregnant with me... She made a decision to abort the pregnancy, not tell anybody about it, looking for my help in logistics which I refused. Just basically told her I am not sure if this is my pregnancy and that she has plenty of support around her already including her Tinder chit chat friend.

She is going mad at me now.

[BC1980]

This is simply toxic, and you need to walk away from this. No good will come from this.

[PeaceAndLove1]

She decided she wants to abort pregnancy. I have no say in it.

[PeaceAndLove1]

We have used the abortion pill last week. Not the nicest experience. I assisted her with it. Stayed with her 2 days in a hotel, she decided she doesnt want anybody else to know. When leaving the hotel I said I dont want to keep in touch any more and it is time to break away from each other. This week she emails me intensily saying she made a few mistakes with me and she understood who I am and she would love to put maximum effort for this relationship to work. She is ready for anything I ask so she can be family with me and her kids.

Problem I have is that once I start even thinking about it I am getting anxious. I dont know why. So many things collapsed in this relationship I am actually confused on her decision now. What to do with it? I made a list of everything I d need from her like truth, communication, cooking etc. And she is up for absolutely everything.

Advice?

[DKT3]

Come on man, I have no doubt she is still involved with that married dude. Like so many of the married and single women in affairs her overall life outlook is a direct reflection of how the married dude is treating her in that moment. So when you hear from her its going bad with him, when you dont it's going good with him.

 

Just leave it alone, she is a mess and not even close to being relationship ready.

 

I strongly recommend that you pop over and read the OW section of this site. It will give you a really good look into how women in her position think and just how much they are willing to give up and the people they are willing to hurt for the slightest bit of attention from their object of obsession.

[mark clemson]

Just skimmed through your thread and it sounds to me like DKT3 (and a lot of other posters) are 100% right.

 

It sounds to me like this woman is a beautiful, sexy, manipulative trainwreck. So, pretty much the worst kind. I'm no therapist but she sounds BPDish with the betraying you then begging you to take her back etc.

 

I think you are letting her drag you back in by being available for the fun aspects - but see this is how you let her turn YOUR life into a trainwreck too. It's started already. No doubt it boosts your ego to have her acting so desperate for you. But now you're having anxiety attacks etc. Think this kind of stuff will only get worse from here. Is this kind of mess what you want for your life?

 

IMO you need to get a hold of yourself, dust yourself off, block her completely, keep her blocked, and be done. That will allow you to move on to something normal and sane, which I suspect you will be really be craving soon if you let this continue.