Don't Want a Big Wedding

[Liz Murry]

Six thousand is an inexpensive wedding. You are smart and practical. My sister's cost 5k, mine was only $260.00 and I paid for it myself. Now.......my niece? Her wedding was over the top ridiculous. It must have set my BIL back a lot, despite the fact that he was loaded. The kicker is, they got divorced one year to the day after that ostentatious show. My BIL told her that the next time, she was getting married in the back yard, and I don't blame him.

[Els]

Six thousand is an inexpensive wedding. You are smart and practical. My sister's cost 5k, mine was only $260.00 and I paid for it myself. Now.......my niece? Her wedding was over the top ridiculous. It must have set my BIL back a lot, despite the fact that he was loaded. The kicker is, they got divorced one year to the day after that ostentatious show. My BIL told her that the next time, she was getting married in the back yard, and I don't blame him.

 

 

It really surprises me that in this day and age, anyone would agree to letting their parents pay the entire bill for an expensive wedding, or that parents would even offer to pay the entire bill ("helping out" with a small sum as a gift is different). IMO, there is nothing wrong with a couple having whatever wedding they want - as long as they pay for it themselves rather than letting anyone else do so.

[Leigh 87]

It really surprises me that in this day and age, anyone would agree to letting their parents pay the entire bill for an expensive wedding, or that parents would even offer to pay the entire bill ("helping out" with a small sum as a gift is different). IMO, there is nothing wrong with a couple having whatever wedding they want - as long as they pay for it themselves rather than letting anyone else do so.

 

Yeah I am really feeling you there.

 

Fiance agrees - we do not feel right about parents offering to pay and have decided to actually have kids before getting married, and being in the position to finance the wedding ourselves. Like adults lol.

 

It feels right to get married anyways only after we are a the stage where , you know, you can afford to pay for our own sh*t:lmao:

[Leigh 87]

I am all for parents helping in times of need, but I would rather limit that to emergencies like medical emergencies or the like. When we really need it, if it ever comes to that.

 

A wedding is a luxury and not a given, it is not an urgent must have item.

 

I won't ever have a big wedding but I would like to wait a few years and at least have a nice day out of it, preferably with a kid by then. A nice day wedding that is very small is still, realistically, 6K so I Will just have to swallow my pride and buy into the whole expensive wedding package.

 

It will be a symbol of what we have come out of - a hard time. When we were poor, students/ him starting his new career and finding a long term stable job. I only really want a "nice day" with very few people, but I have since learnt that even a nice day with very minimal people is till not a cheap day when it comes to a wedding:(

[Gaeta]

Yeah I am really feeling you there.

 

Fiance agrees - we do not feel right about parents offering to pay and have decided to actually have kids before getting married, and being in the position to finance the wedding ourselves. Like adults lol.

 

It feels right to get married anyways only after we are a the stage where , you know, you can afford to pay for our own sh*t:lmao:

 

 

Pardon me Leigh but if you don't have 6k to pay for your wedding how will you be able to raise children? If you are not in a financial situation where you can go to a bank and borrow 6K, or in a position where you can pay your own sh*t as you say, then you're not ready to have children.

[bene]

Pardon me Leigh but if you don't have 6k to pay for your wedding how will you be able to raise children? If you are not in a financial situation where you can go to a bank and borrow 6K, or in a position where you can pay your own sh*t as you say, then you're not ready to have children.

 

Maybe they can afford children because they don’t spend money on things that aren’t necessities?

 

Honestly I wouldn’t borrow money for a wedding that I can’t afford out of pocket. There are countless other things that a young couple could do with that money. I find the idea of pretending some faux lifestyle for one day odd. I understand that people want a memorable day but it can be achieved within your means. Just inviting family and closest friends sounds reasonable to me.

 

Then again I live in a country where the average income is lower than Australia or Canada so my view could be affected by that.

[Els]

Maybe they can afford children because they don’t spend money on things that aren’t necessities?

 

Honestly I wouldn’t borrow money for a wedding that I can’t afford out of pocket. There are countless other things that a young couple could do with that money. I find the idea of pretending some faux lifestyle for one day odd. I understand that people want a memorable day but it can be achieved within your means. Just inviting family and closest friends sounds reasonable to me.

 

Then again I live in a country where the average income is lower than Australia or Canada so my view could be affected by that.

 

 

In Australia 6k won't even get you 3 months of daycare.

[Leigh 87]

Pardon me Leigh but if you don't have 6k to pay for your wedding how will you be able to raise children? If you are not in a financial situation where you can go to a bank and borrow 6K, or in a position where you can pay your own sh*t as you say, then you're not ready to have children.

 

With respect, I am happily going to try and conceive whenever I am next fertile. I have been fertile for three months in 1.5 years. I am 31 years old.

 

I mean, when our car broke down yesterday, we could afford to fix it. A 1000 or so upfront. Fiance just got promoted and has a good income now, with 1500 AUD a week and my part time wage - I am sure we will start to save small amounts NOW. Just not necessarily 5 or 6K at any given day. the baby would have food and medical needs met as it is. Just not a heap of savings.

 

Yes, an option for us could have been to use protection and then once we get our sh*t together financially when we are around 35, start trying.

Our desire to have a family with my crap fertility status, makes that above option abhorrent (to us). But ultimately, we are not going to do something that feels wrong and upsets us just because some people think we should do it. THEY are not the ones who have to face a life of childlessness; we are the ones who stand to lose out on our dream of having a family. We are the ones who live with our decisions. We are the ones who would have to endure the depression and despair if we remained childless. No one else would have to live with our decisions but us. I know how devastated I would be if I missed out on having children for any reason; I cannot bear the thought of missing out on kids due to career and money.

 

Being left with a career and financial stability would mean nothing to me, I wouldn't truly enjoy it all without having my own biological family.

 

Not protecting in my case still means that it is highly likely that I will still take years to conceive and carry. I am guaranteed a few miscarriages with my disease too. So, even after a 1 or 2 year period that it will take to conceive just ONCE - when I do conceive after trying 1 or 2 years, I will likely lose a few pregnancy and then take another year to conceive again. So...the reality is... I will be mid 30's by the time I conceive AND carry a pregnancy anyway and that is likely with medical assistance too. 36 is probably the earliest realistically, where a successful pregnancy will occur. And 36 is likely the earliest it will occur IF we start trying NOW. We didn't want to get to 35 or 36 or so, before we even START trying.. At the age we will finally have decent savings and our sh*t together, we will not HAVE the 5 or 6 years up our sleeve (that it usually takes woman like me to conceive and/or carry).

 

I am a science person and as a couple we have realistically weighed up our options and decided to take charge of my fertility and our dreams, rather than risking depression and suicidal thoughts due to picking financial security over having kids. When we can still achieve BOTH objectives, albeit the finances a little later on by a few years. If there is even a tiny chance that we could conceive naturally without spending 1000's on fertility specialists and without waiting 4 to 5 years for a successful pregnancy -- then we are all for that, as it will save us money and heart ache in the long run. To us, it would be worth having a baby 4 or 5 years before we are financially doing well.

 

I pick having children over career and financial security. Although, I will thankfully not have to choose one of the other, it MAY just work out that kids may come along first due to biology not giving us the opportunity to achieve them in the usual, traditional and "best case scenario" order of affairs. MORE likely though - is us being financially stable before kids come along, due to my me being infertile the majority of the time with very limited windows where I am ABLE to conceive.

 

Fiance has a good job. It is only me that is a year off being a podiatrist and having a good job too. And then a year or two of hard savings would provide a decent enough emergency savings account..

 

I am not willing to play Russian roulette with my fertility, and since we are the ones who have to live with the consequences of our actions we are doing what is best for us - and our child will be fine, our lack of savings is temporary, child would afford all the good things in life by the time they are in school. Plenty of parents have no savings when they have babies and catch up just fine.

 

If single mums manage to have babies poor and then catch up within 5 or so years - I am sure we will do it especially considering my fiance already has a good job and has started to save as it is and I am only one year off the same prospect.

 

I feel great about my decision and know deep down that we will not be having kids anytime soon anyway, even without using contraception.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

Maybe they can afford children because they don’t spend money on things that aren’t necessities?

 

Honestly I wouldn’t borrow money for a wedding that I can’t afford out of pocket. There are countless other things that a young couple could do with that money. I find the idea of pretending some faux lifestyle for one day odd. I understand that people want a memorable day but it can be achieved within your means. Just inviting family and closest friends sounds reasonable to me.

 

Then again I live in a country where the average income is lower than Australia or Canada so my view could be affected by that.

 

We can afford food and medical needs for a baby as it is. Due to me studying and having a part time income, we just cannot save 1000's at a time, at any given time. I also spend 250 a week on my medical issues, on natural therapies as they work better than just throwing women like me on the birth control pill but that is another story.

 

If baby came earlier than anticipated (it takes years for women like me to conceive, I have been infertile for a year and 2 months out of the 1.5 years being off birth control) - I would happily forgo my treatment.

 

We would then save 1000's by me simply going without the Chinese medicine and acupuncture that makes my condition more manageable, in order to provide security and savings for a baby. I would soon get a good job in a year or so from NOW, and then be able to not only well provide for a baby but resume my own self care.

 

We can afford rent, two cars, 3 dogs and one cat AND 100's a week on natural therapies for my condition, AND to fix our cars when they need it. We can afford a child. As a mum, I would just go without my treatment without a second thought and manage it by being more strict with my diet.

 

We also have emergency help from family so pride aside, baby would be just fine and have access to everything a little person should.

 

My employer actually said to me recently that when I have a baby, I am welcome to take it with me to my job. I take a disabled client to the pool once or twice a week (high functioning can dress himself etc is just autistic and needs a driver and companion). The employer is the clients mother. She seemed very eager to help facilitate me still working despite babies and would love to see me have a baby.

 

My fiance can actually afford for me to not work at all for a few years. I just do happen to graduate podiatry in a year, so thankfully, I would have the option in the near future to provide too.

 

SO we are not exactly welfare recipients in menial wage jobs with no imminent prospects of cash flow with savings.

[Leigh 87]

I am happy to accept emergency help if I had a baby and something tragic were to happen. Most people do not have 10s of 1000s for emergencies anyway.

 

I am not happy to accept money from parents for non emergencies however, like weddings.

 

As you can all see, we are pushing back any wedding related expenses ad we are too focused on saving for a baby and on having a family, which matters more to us than a piece of paper/marriage at this life stage we are currently sitting at.

[Leigh 87]

In Australia 6k won't even get you 3 months of daycare.

 

We have decided to not put our children in daycare, when and if we are blessed with them at all.

 

I will either be taking the baby to work with me (which is allowed in my role as confirmed by clients mum/my boss), or my parents are at home and have offered to take baby part time if I wanted to work part time.

 

Partner earns 1500 to 2000 AUD a week and is in a stable industry with ample employment options even if he lost his job, he can walk into a 1700 a week role tomorrow.

 

We just do not have, as it stands, a tonne of savings due to only living off his income, and me only working part time.

 

We are not on welfare or in crap jobs for the long run or even medium term future, but if I gave up my alternative therapies that are so good for managing my health condition, we could save hundreds a week so easily if a baby were to come alone now.

 

Not everyone wants to wait until mid to late 30's to have kids just so they can amass 50K in savings for daycare.

[Leigh 87]

For those perplexed as to why we want children anytime now, when we cannot "even afford a 6K wedding"

 

NO parent who loves being parents (not all parents do despite loving their children endlessly) - NO parent would say that they would:

 

- choose living without their child, due to being a bit tight in cash for 2 - 5 years of the kids life

 

I mean.... no parent who is maternal and LOVES being a mum, would trade their kids, even if it meant being tight for a few years with cash flow. I can see how some mums would - not all mums get great joy from being a mum.

 

When it comes to bad fertility, which some unfortunate women like myself are cursed with, those extra 2 - 5 years of not being established in your career with loads of savings - could cost us our opportunity to ever have a child at all.

 

It is bizarre when people make remarks despite having happy healthy children in their lives. They never had to CHOOSE to have kids being poor initially, versus missing out on kids altogether for the sake of being able to say " well, I got myself established, got loads of savings and did the "right" thing but hey, I am now childless and I never get over that pain"

 

No one gets a medal for doing things the best, most correct way.

 

And not many children suffered greatly from their parents lacking much savings when the kids very young.

 

At the end of the day, part of our realistic 5 year plan is to: have savings, own a home and finally be financially secure enough to have 10K for a rainy day/emergency.

 

Not a plan that makes us want to risk never having children for, due to waiting until my late 30's to even START....

 

I bet there is a truckload of women who are childless and positively livid that they COULD have had children, and are not in their 40's, very well off with a great career - look at the great lives their children could have had? SO many women online and in real life, including my lecturer at Uni, have ALL warned me against "waiting for everything to be ideal" before kids. They all lobby to save women like myself from a lifetime of regret and heat ache.

 

Despite having great lives, women like my lecturer have NEVER recovered from their desire to have a child. And she is a very positive, happy person in her own words and her actions. Just a happy lady, you would NEVER feel "sorry" for her at all.

 

I have spoken at length with some of the most fulfilled women I have known. All the ones who put off children regret it.

 

So now I have provided a very detailed explanation regarding WHY I am silly enough to go and try to have kids before I have 10K sitting in the bank - lets never mention it in this thread again, and I will only be requesting wedding related posts. What I do with my uterus is my business, ,I am going to go right ahead and have unprotected sex and happily welcome a miracle baby irrespective of whatever anyone here advises me to do.

 

Thanks for the concern, but our kid/kids would be just find, I am sure a few years of minimal savings will not haunt them for life lol and all their needs will still be met as we are.

[Els]

Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.

 

 

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know that you can bring your kids to work, when you don't have a job yet? I'd think that sort of privilege would vary according to your workplace and seniority.

[lana-banana]

Leigh, in fairness to the posters here, you were the one framing your wedding choices as dictated by your longer-term family and life planning. But I will say I do know at least two couples---loving and wonderful parents both---who wish they had waited longer before they had children. It's not right to speak in absolutes about what "no one" does.

 

Have a wedding, don't have a wedding, go to the courthouse or church. The most important thing is you marry the person you're utterly over the moon for and who loves you the same way. Everyone will be happy for you regardless, you will be so giddy together you can't stand it, and nothing else really matters.

[Woggle]

The way I see it is you should have a small and humble wedding and splurge on the honeymoon. Enjoy spending time together on vacation.

[Leigh 87]

Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.

 

 

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know that you can bring your kids to work, when you don't have a job yet? I'd think that sort of privilege would vary according to your workplace and seniority.

 

 

 

I have had a job for years now during my studies.

 

I have been told that they would love me to keep working throughout a pregnancy if I am well enough, and with a baby if I am blessed and lucky enough with a healthy child one day that I am able to just take with me.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, in fairness to the posters here, you were the one framing your wedding choices as dictated by your longer-term family and life planning. But I will say I do know at least two couples---loving and wonderful parents both---who wish they had waited longer before they had children. It's not right to speak in absolutes about what "no one" does.

 

Have a wedding, don't have a wedding, go to the courthouse or church. The most important thing is you marry the person you're utterly over the moon for and who loves you the same way. Everyone will be happy for you regardless, you will be so giddy together you can't stand it, and nothing else really matters.

 

Well that is why we want to spend money on experiences that matter, rather than such a happy day where the feelings of joy involved would be enough- not much else could make us "happier" on the day plus we want kids soon so have to make choices in regards to finance. If we were the types to need an expensive wedding we would wait a few years once we can afford it - as I believe in working for the things you truly want and making it happen. The way we both did with our overseas travel and being single for a lot of our adults lives - we really feel like we have lived a full of a life as possible now and have nothing left we yearn to do, other than having a family. I personally feel as though I have well and truly loved my life to the fullest up until this point.

 

In an ideal world, if I did not have sh*t fertility and there was a 90% chance I would conceive within a year long period like with most women (85 - 90% depending on country) - if I was the fertile 85- 90% I WOULD indeed, wait two or so more years to begin the process of trying to conceive....It sucks that biology has a limit and despite the numerous professionals who say there is not a high risk of being unable to conceive in your mid 30s to early 40s - I have made my own intelligent and informed decision to take steps to achieve my dreams; this precludes waiting until I am almost 3 to even start for the sake of having more money.

 

Of course we would BOTH rather have good job. We do not want to be living paycheck to paycheck and living with the bare necessities. We want savings and security and to have a decent quality of life, with some savings who wants to be poor and struggling? Due to PCOS I've been infertile for over 1 year and 3 months- out of the 15 months I have been off the pill. It is not looking good. I have managed to have three healthy 28 day cycles in 1.5 YEARS....At age 34 or 35, I do not have the luxury of choosing when I am able to conceive, because most women with PCOS take YEARS to conceive - at age 31, I DO have the luxury of a few years to spend trying - where as if we waited another 2 or 3 years for the optimal financial landscape to be rolled out -There is a high enough likelihood that I would run out of eggs before I managed to have a PCOS miracle baby.

 

And that is what babies with PCOS are - miracles. Our bodies do not ovulate, only 50% of u respond to infertility drugs. All the women I know that have this awful disease were infertile for a decade before conceiving children. I am still likely to be at least 36 before I conceive, and even older before I actually carry to term a healthy pregnancy - then there is a high chance I may never conceive and carry a child. So, there is a high chance we will just end up with plenty of money as DINKS anyway; this is not what I would want though, so we are simply giving it our BEST shot to conceive.

 

So we are actively picking to be a bit broke in order to have a high chance at even HAVING kids at all to achieve our dream of a family and I personally do not believe I will ever look at a miracle baby and think " hmm, gee, I wish I waited and risked having even had a child at all"

 

Fiance does have a good job and we would have plenty of savings if I did not have to spend 300 a week on natural therapies that manage my condition. We would not be white trash broke or anything too awful......I doubt I could ever wish I had waited due to my infertility

 

As annoying as being broke can be, I just cannot see it weighing more heavily on my heart than living a life without my own child would.

 

So that is why we want to start a little earlier, we are not trying to be reckless and harm a prospective baby.

[Leigh 87]

Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.

 

 

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know that you can bring your kids to work, when you don't have a job yet? I'd think that sort of privilege would vary according to your workplace and seniority.

 

 

 

Fiance earns 1500 - 2K per week, I earn 400 a week part time working...

 

We spend inordinate amounts on Chinese medicine and acupuncture as this is the only thing that has proven to work with my PCOS and sht hormones. I refuse to just "take the birth control pill" to regular my hormones and then be default, use artificial conception when I want to conceive.

 

So.. We have okay wages collectively and will have above average combined waged once I graduate podiatry. It is not as though we will be starving and without medical care - I will just need to work and or/quit my acupuncture and just go on the birth control pill to regulate my hormones artificially as opposed to forking out 300 or so a week on potent natural pills and treatments.

[bene]

Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.

 

Ok, that other poster just realized that 6000 AUD is 3700 euros, so yes, it is not that much. It would still buy a nice trip or some home furnishing or baby stuff like strollers etc.

 

If it’s three weeks salary for Leigh’s boyfriend then I don’t get what the fuss is even about.

Edited October 4, 2018 by bene

[No_Go]

Ok, that other poster just realized that 6000 AUD is 3700 euros, so yes, it is not that much. It would still buy a nice trip or some home furnishing or baby stuff like strollers etc.

 

If it’s three weeks salary for Leigh’s boyfriend then I don’t get what the fuss is even about.

 

The point was she does NOT want to waste money on parties when she can use them for something productive. IMO that’s an admirable behavior showing she’s ready for her next steps:)

[Leigh 87]

The point was she does NOT want to waste money on parties when she can use them for something productive. IMO that’s an admirable behavior showing she’s ready for her next steps:)

 

Thanks. Yes, he offered to treat me to something this weekend but I declined. I want to save as much as we can. I don't believe I'll conceive within two years from now realistically, but it's never too early to build savings.

 

A 6K wedding just seems laughable when we have no savings and want kids.

[Els]

Thanks. Yes, he offered to treat me to something this weekend but I declined. I want to save as much as we can. I don't believe I'll conceive within two years from now realistically, but it's never too early to build savings.

 

A 6K wedding just seems laughable when we have no savings and want kids.

 

 

 

 

I am just concerned that $6k is viewed as such a big sum by you. $6k is NOTHING in the grand scheme of raising kids in this day and age, Leigh. Nothing. It's 3 months of daycare. Even if you stay at home with the kids and thus don't need daycare, you're essentially paying in terms of opportunity cost of your career, i.e. what you COULD earn by being a full-time podiatrist.

 

 

 

If you both are in a position where 6k AUD is such a huge amount to you, you'd better be prepared to make a LOT of lifestyle sacrifices when you have a kid.

[Leigh 87]

I am just concerned that $6k is viewed as such a big sum by you. $6k is NOTHING in the grand scheme of raising kids in this day and age, Leigh. Nothing. It's 3 months of daycare. Even if you stay at home with the kids and thus don't need daycare, you're essentially paying in terms of opportunity cost of your career, i.e. what you COULD earn by being a full-time podiatrist.

 

 

 

If you both are in a position where 6k AUD is such a huge amount to you, you'd better be prepared to make a LOT of lifestyle sacrifices when you have a kid.

 

6k is not a large sum of money to us in a sense.

 

As it stands, Fiance earns between 1600 bare minimum - to 2200 with overtime, per week after tax.

 

I earn 350 - 450 a week.

 

We afford expensive dog food for three large dogs and a cat I recently rescued, in addition to very expensive alternate medical treatment for me, none of which is the least bit covered by even top private health insurance here. SO like 300 a week for me alone in medical care. And he still affords massages for his neck when he needs them (unless we have additional car repair or emergencies that week or month).

 

Yet we still do have leftover money, we are just late to the game in terms of savings. We started later in life, ten years later than the average person. We are both very similar in this regard and share the same outlook; late in life to get our sh*t together but both doing very well and on a great path, craving financial stability and making marked steps to achieving it.

 

Hence the wedding to us is very irresponsible given we want kids well within our reproductive years, so much so we are willing to make our dream happen ahead of me establishing myself in my career.

 

At least he will not need to make career sacrifices and I will get to be a stay at home mum, which is my dream goal. Career is a distant second and why I cannot fathom putting it first over having children. You can still want a career while simultaneously wanting children even more than career progression. And I think this turns out okay when it is only one partner who will sacrifice the career, whilst the other is already in their dream job and on path to provide in the interim, while the mother stays at home and sacrifices.

 

He has spent 2K this fortnight on car registration and care repairs this week alone and we still manage expensive groceries (loads of meat and fish). So we can afford emergencies but savings need to be built from this point if all goes well for a few months with no major repairs.

 

Savings are imminent and our focus at this stage, it is super important to start putting more money away for children. Even just a baby.

 

We are late to the game in terms of savings but we are not struggling and poor to the point of not affording a baby, and we are not so far back in our career trajectories that 6k upfront will be an issue FOR LONG. Moreover our situation is temporary. There is no way someone on his income will struggle to afford 6k for kids for the long run or medium term. This is a short term issue.

 

I am not sure why 6k would be alarming to us at the end of the day over the course of the child's life. This is a temporary discomfort and sacrifice for long term gain -our dream of a family before a wedding and before my career takes off. Emphatically, I really could not give a crap about my career in favour of kids; I choose kids over career. As much as I want my degree and career, it is NOT important enough to put off having children for.

 

At least we have top private health cover, which we can afford for our baby too; I go in for a uterine biopsy (wish me luck!) to check for uterine cancer due to my PCOS and having super thick lining despite regular bleeding, and after the surgery I will be fertile (yay! After 1.5 years of total infertility!) They are shaving down the thick lining, drilling my ovaries and flushing my tubes!

 

So after this surgery, if it goes to plan I will likely fall pregnant next year or the year after (fingers and toes crossed the surgery folds out how it usually does in the majority of women with PCOS).

 

I guess most people in my position would get the degree and value their degree enough to want to put it first; to go work a few years, save, establish themselves and THEN try for kids. And this is exactly what I WOULD do if I felt I had that luxury of time. But a age 31 and 32 - we are not comfortable with waiting for it all to be lined up the way MOST adults get done ten years EARLIER than us. We cannot catch up 10 years to our peers before we even START to have children, it is not an option since our dream of children are that important to us.

 

This is not what I want to do, as I really value being a mum so much more than my career. And that is not to say I am ambivalent career wise; I LOVE podiatry and it is super important to me to have a professional role.

 

Kids just come before career, and wellllllll before any wedding!

 

We are moving closer and closer to marriage emotionally speaking things get better and better and more solid as time goes by but saving to us is of upmost importance, we REALLY need to formulate a plan possible even with a financial adviser, saving as much as possible is just front and centre of our lives with weddings being a "if we won lotto" desire we would do TOMORROW yet are happy to put on hold in favour or saving.

 

We do not all get to have it all at once, sometimes we put what is most important to us first despite it not being the ideal order, and it does not make 6K to us a huge deal in the long run of the ENTIRE lifetime of us raising children.....

[clia]

At least he will not need to make career sacrifices and I will get to be a stay at home mum, which is my dream goal. Career is a distant second and why I cannot fathom putting it first over having children. You can still want a career while simultaneously wanting children even more than career progression. And I think this turns out okay when it is only one partner who will sacrifice the career, whilst the other is already in their dream job and on path to provide in the interim, while the mother stays at home and sacrifices.

 

I'm very surprised to hear you say this, given how extensively in previous threads (particularly when you were trying to figure out what to do for a living) you've talked about how important it was for you to have a career, work full time, and be able to support yourself. To drop all of that when you are seemingly so close to the finish line and your degree (and to say you don't give a crap about it) almost makes it seem like you never really wanted to have to work full time at all. Assuming you do get pregnant in the next year or two, do you think you will ever actually work as a podiatrist?

 

But anyway, you seem to be somewhat missing the point. It's not just about 6k. You started this thread acting like 6k was a tremendous amount of money to spend, when in reality (as pointed out by several people) it is not a huge amount to spend on a wedding (comparatively speaking) and is nothing in the grand scheme of the tens and hundreds of thousands you will spend raising a child over the course of their life.

 

It's good that you recognize you should start saving, but I wonder why you haven't started that yet? You keep telling us how much money your fiance makes, and how your focus is saving, but your most recent post indicates that you aren't actually doing that -- you are still spending money on luxuries rather than necessities (e.g. expensive dog food, expensive groceries, etc.) It certainly doesn't seem like saving is your focus right now. And although you talk about making sacrifices in the future, I wonder how realistic that is really going to be for you. How much do you anticipate you will be able to save? Do you two have a budget? Have you tried going through it to see what you can eliminate and to try and formulate a savings plan? You don't need a financial advisor to do this -- and in fact, one of the first things a financial advisor is going to want you to do is put together a budget.

 

All of that said, at the end of the day, poor people have children, too, so on your fiance's salary you can absolutely raise a child.

[Leigh 87]

I'm very surprised to hear you say this, given how extensively in previous threads (particularly when you were trying to figure out what to do for a living) you've talked about how important it was for you to have a career, work full time, and be able to support yourself. To drop all of that when you are seemingly so close to the finish line and your degree (and to say you don't give a crap about it) almost makes it seem like you never really wanted to have to work full time at all. Assuming you do get pregnant in the next year or two, do you think you will ever actually work as a podiatrist?

 

But anyway, you seem to be somewhat missing the point. It's not just about 6k. You started this thread acting like 6k was a tremendous amount of money to spend, when in reality (as pointed out by several people) it is not a huge amount to spend on a wedding (comparatively speaking) and is nothing in the grand scheme of the tens and hundreds of thousands you will spend raising a child over the course of their life.

 

It's good that you recognize you should start saving, but I wonder why you haven't started that yet? You keep telling us how much money your fiance makes, and how your focus is saving, but your most recent post indicates that you aren't actually doing that -- you are still spending money on luxuries rather than necessities (e.g. expensive dog food, expensive groceries, etc.) It certainly doesn't seem like saving is your focus right now. And although you talk about making sacrifices in the future, I wonder how realistic that is really going to be for you. How much do you anticipate you will be able to save? Do you two have a budget? Have you tried going through it to see what you can eliminate and to try and formulate a savings plan? You don't need a financial advisor to do this -- and in fact, one of the first things a financial advisor is going to want you to do is put together a budget.

 

All of that said, at the end of the day, poor people have children, too, so on your fiance's salary you can absolutely raise a child.

 

 

Yes we have had a talk.

 

We have decided to push fertility treatment back to end of next year after I graduate as it is ruling my life and deep down I know my body needs a year mentally and physically to conceive, I just know it is not meant to be before then. Moreover, my degree IS still very important to me - I guess the urge to have a child or two is just soooo much more important.

 

But I do not want a cop out, I need to see this degree through, this is something that is non negotiable and crucial for me overall fulfilment; I do not see it now, but I know I will come to realise how much I would have regret not having a professional job. I see myself working part time when the kid is young too I do not want to only be a mum, I want the profession thing too albeit not AS much as I want kids. Kids leave and hate you at times, I need an identity outside being a mum and will deprive myself of the person I should be if I do not see this podiatry thing through and know I would regret it.

 

We have not saved because we suck at it and my medical stuff is pricey and he also has had to spend 2k on his car, as well as a fence and various things that came up.

 

He only got the good job not so long ago and prior to that was one a very average wage. He had intermittently high paid weeks but never a good solid job with healthy conditions he saw as a long term job - the highly paid ones were 19 hour days with crap hourly rates - the safe jobs were crap paid. So he kept pushing on looking for the ideal job, whilst obviously still working in a lesser job he did not want. You gotta have a job while you look for a dream job after all.

 

Things have only recently come together for us financially, it was an uphill hard road until recently, he has progressively got better and better jobs until this current jackpot.

 

We have not been doing well for long enough to save but now we have very seriously spoken about it all. The truth is, since living out of home I have learnt that him and I are the types who need a good solid 1500 plus per week or more to live the way we want - we do not go out even, but just to LIVE without worrying or stress!

 

And we have only just arrived at that sweat spot where we like the quality of life and feel it would be easy to maintain a nice with savings.

 

So yes, trying to conceive will be end of next year with ongoing specialist appointments to monitor my condition until then. My uterine lining has gotten too thick and I need surgery and will prob be on some form of birth control until end of next year to manage things with the lining growth.

 

I let the desire to conceive rule my life when I know in my heart now is not the right time (although we are NOT waiting much longer, only a year). I couldn't focus on my studies and did not give a flip about the wedding anymore:D

Edited October 9, 2018 by Leigh 87