Veronica73 Posted August 2, 2018 Share Posted August 2, 2018 Being "yourself"--whatever that means--is overrated if your real self is a jerk. Lol, exactly!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 2, 2018 Share Posted August 2, 2018 I've had a few serious relationships and dated plenty, and when it comes to checking out and commenting on other women, men are all over the map. It seems to be a personality/character trait that isn't easily changed. Each man shines (and likely falls short) in different ways. In this respect, the best man I've been with never visibly checked out or commented on other women. He was very good-looking and women loved him, but anytime we were together he seemed completely impervious to their attention. He checked out hot cars all the time - but never a hot woman. I loved this about him! On this point, he was the best ever. On the ED, though the issues feel related to you, I think they're essentially separate issues. The man I was with who ogled and commented the worst also happened to be my best lover ever. Someone said above that if you were happy with the sex, you wouldn't care. That wasn't at all true for me! We were having hot, awesome sex constantly, but it still made me so sad when I saw him checking out some other girl. We talked about, and he asked if I wanted him to stop. My point of view was of course, but I can't tell you what to do, I'm not your mother. The compromise was that he "toned it down". But it still bothered me a lot, and was wrapped up in the feelings that drove me to leave him. In short, I don't think his ogling/commenting habit is likely to change. I'd be inclined to give him a taste of his own medicine as well by checking out hot men and broadcasting your thoughts - but stooping to someone else's level isn't the best solution. I'm sorry to say it, it doesn't sound like a very good marriage. You earn the money, put up with the ogling and lack of affection, and aren't even getting hot sex out of the deal? What are you getting out of this relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 Exactly, Timshel. This is so ridiculous. That isn't what I am saying at all. Considerate people take other people's feelings into account. Especially best friends. My ex-husband was my best friend. And he still is, even though we are no longer married. And my girl friends know me about a tenth as well as my ex-husband does. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but nobody knows me better than my ex. I guess I'm glad I've never been in a relationship with a guy who felt like talking trashy about other women was a super important part of his personality. It was exactly what you said. You wouldn’t say things in front of a SO that you would in front of your friends. Honestly, you make absolutely no sense. Your ex h that you didn’t make it with is your best friend but there were things you couldn’t say in front of him & you’re divorced...yes, you sound extremely like you know what a strong proper marriage is. My husband is my best friend & that’s why we’re still married...he’s absolutely nothing but respectful to me...openness doors, pulls out chairs, starts the car for me & clears it off for me in the winter....he’s extremely old school respectful. You just prove the stereotype of an absolutely dramatic woman when trying to make a point..”trashy is super important” who said that? Talk about adding to someone’s word. My H & men that know me, know I’m not insecure. It’s the reason im often the only woman invited to all male events, sporting, clubs, that type of thing. Once again I already said there is a difference when a guy is being a guy & a husband purposely trying to hurt you bc he’s done or sick of his wife...which I stated I think that’s what’s happening here. Life is too short & I see women (Generally) focusing on such insignificant things sometimes...& 9/10 it’s always surrounded by insecurity but they’ll never admit. It turns into “proper this or proper that”...who cares. when you’re a 100% comfortable in your own skin as a woman..& I mean “Really” there...not much gets to you. I hope the feeling for all woman! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 The OP has not seemed to be back for a bit, but... It was exactly what you said. You wouldn’t say things in front of a SO that you would in front of your friends. No... that is not what I said at all. This is what you are accusing me of saying: Privacy is fine but if you can’t say in front of your SO what you do in front your gf, then what you’re saying is you’re 100% yourself in front of your friends but not your SO. This is what I actually said: I never treated my husband like he was my girlfriend, and he didn't talk to me like I was a guy friend. Not all men are the same, not all women are the same, different kinds of relationships work for different people. I certainly never felt that I was more prone to cheat because I couldn't blabber on about whatever I wanted to him. And there was no way in hell he would have been okay with my talking about other men in front of him, the way the op's husband talks. I think it is about consideration and treating your partner with respect. Do you really not see the difference? For instance, you brought up the example comparing how men like the OP's husband (and I guess yours as well) talk about women, to how men don't want to listen to "all the insignificant stuff women say? But they’ll do it bc that’s who that women is & they’re not trying to change her." Guess what? I didn't talk to my ex-husband about a bunch of crap he wouldn't be interested in like shopping and skin care products. He would have been bored to tears. I have other types of friends to talk about that sort of stuff with. That doesn't mean I'm more myself in front of my GFs, than I was in front of my SO. And while I wouldn't have been able to talk about other men the way the OP's husband talks about other women in front of her, it is a moot point because I don't talk that way about men ever. One example of something I might say in front of a girlfriend that I wouldn't have said in front of my ex-husband: One of my friends was talking about how attractive her personal trainer was. I told her she should see mine and sent her a link to his bio- (he is literally the most physically beautiful man I have ever known). Did I throw that in my ex-husband's face? No. What purpose would that serve? I wasn't being disrespectful to anyone. And just because my girlfriend knows an insignificant thing about me doesn't mean I'm 100% myself in front of my girlfriend and not my SO. My ex-husband knows me better than anybody in the world. Honestly, you make absolutely no sense. Your ex h that you didn’t make it with is your best friend but there were things you couldn’t say in front of him & you’re divorced...yes, you sound extremely like you know what a strong proper marriage is. I'm not surprised I don't make sense to you. There wasn't anything important that I couldn't say in front of him. And if had I really thought running my mouth off about unimportant stuff was more important than showing him respect, then I could have said anything. I chose not too. Because that's being true to myself because I try to be a considerate human being and don't feel that expressing every thought or feeling, regardless of the audience or context is something to aspire to. I have a deep, strong friendship with my ex-husband. And I don't think I'm saying I know what a strong, proper marriage is. I haven't said a word against yours, even though it doesn't sound like one I would want to be involved in. The OP is unhappy with hers. I would also be unhappy with a man who spoke that way. Like I already said, people are different and different kinds of relationships work for different people. My husband is my best friend & that’s why we’re still married...he’s absolutely nothing but respectful to me...openness doors, pulls out chairs, starts the car for me & clears it off for me in the winter....he’s extremely old school respectful. That's nice. Good for you. You just prove the stereotype of an absolutely dramatic woman when trying to make a point..”trashy is super important” who said that? Talk about adding to someone’s word. Lol! You think that's dramatic? Who is getting personal here? I said that! I think that talking like the OP's husband IS trashy. And if talking like that was so important to them that they couldn't take my feelings into consideration, or it made them consider cheating on me because "they couldn't be themselves around me" then it would seem that that is a super important part of their personality. I guess I was putting words in my own mouth? Life is too short & I see women (Generally) focusing on such insignificant things sometimes...& 9/10 it’s always surrounded by insecurity but they’ll never admit. It turns into “proper this or proper that”...who cares. when you’re a 100% comfortable in your own skin as a woman..& I mean “Really” there...not much gets to you. I hope the feeling for all woman! Good luck That's lovely for you. Very few people, men or women, are 100% comfortable in their own skin all of the time. I try to take that into consideration when interacting with people I care for. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 Funny you are such a mind reader, and can just assume that the OP must be unattractive and must be nagging her husband. Yours must be a hack of a model marriage, when both you and your husband chose to get into extramarital affairs and chose to cheat on each other. It was exactly what you said. You wouldn’t say things in front of a SO that you would in front of your friends. Honestly, you make absolutely no sense. Your ex h that you didn’t make it with is your best friend but there were things you couldn’t say in front of him & you’re divorced...yes, you sound extremely like you know what a strong proper marriage is. My husband is my best friend & that’s why we’re still married...he’s absolutely nothing but respectful to me...openness doors, pulls out chairs, starts the car for me & clears it off for me in the winter....he’s extremely old school respectful. You just prove the stereotype of an absolutely dramatic woman when trying to make a point..”trashy is super important” who said that? Talk about adding to someone’s word. My H & men that know me, know I’m not insecure. It’s the reason im often the only woman invited to all male events, sporting, clubs, that type of thing. Once again I already said there is a difference when a guy is being a guy & a husband purposely trying to hurt you bc he’s done or sick of his wife...which I stated I think that’s what’s happening here. Life is too short & I see women (Generally) focusing on such insignificant things sometimes...& 9/10 it’s always surrounded by insecurity but they’ll never admit. It turns into “proper this or proper that”...who cares. when you’re a 100% comfortable in your own skin as a woman..& I mean “Really” there...not much gets to you. I hope the feeling for all woman! Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xedon Posted August 4, 2018 Share Posted August 4, 2018 Its going to get worst as he ages. The other thought I have is why is he having all these comments of women when he can't even deliver to his wife without medical help? I don't understand... Had you not brought up his ED I would have thought he had a raging libido. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 4, 2018 Share Posted August 4, 2018 Maybe because he has ED, he is overcompensating and wanting you and others to see him as a sexual being. He's probably even worse around his buddies. It's kind of unfair because like you said, he has ED, so he can't take it at ALL, but he can dish it out. I'm sure it really makes him feel awful that he's got ED. Have you ever tried just totally ignoring his lurid comments and changing the subject. Maybe shock value is all he feels he has left for you. I don't know what to tell you about giving it back to him like the firemen. Not sure if that may just keep him going at it or if it might really make him feel bad, but since you don't like that sort of lurid joking stuff, I doubt you enjoy saying it. Sometimes changing the way you react will change how a person comes at you. I mean, he's getting something out of it. Figure out what that is. Link to post Share on other sites
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