6 year marriage ended by ex. Blocking communication

[Marc878]

Is it wrong to be codependent with your other half? I kinda obliged all her requests without hesitation.

 

Always. Codependency leads to lack of respect which will lead to being played/taken advantage of.

 

Hence, unnattractive and you become meaningless.

 

You have value. Use it.

[Beachead]

Always. Codependency leads to lack of respect which will lead to being played/taken advantage of.

 

Hence, unnattractive and you become meaningless.

 

You have value. Use it.

 

Yea, I agree. Just to add to those thoughts, I've learned with the years there's a thin line between being loyal/committed because we care for someone vs. being loyal/committed because we don't know how to see any value/worth in ourself so we try to extract it from someone else. Sometimes it's done through relationships, sometimes friendships. This is co-dependency and its the reason why we stay in relationships that are bad for us.

 

I was with a girl a few years ago who treated me like sh*t. I thought staying loyal and not giving up was noble. "Everyone gives up when things go wrong but not me. I'm going to show her and the world what love is" I thought.

 

Problem was, she had done a lot of disrespectful things right from the get go that I ignored because I admittedly wanted to be with her. I didn't give a d*mn about my life or my well-being so I handed it over to her. For me, a relationship was something I always wanted. It was a need that came partly from being lonely for so long and not wanting to approach my 30's still single..all the wrong reasons to get into a relationship. Because of that I just never wanted to admit to myself that this relationship and this girl was not it.

 

But I didn't..

 

So half way into this, she was cancelling plans at the last minute, breaking promises, didn't even spend time with me on my birthday and started a fight with me that weekend. Then she left overseas to study medicine and it got even worse. She became more irritated and would snap at me. I'd try to talk to her about her change in behaviour and she would leave me in the dark to figure it all out on my own. I spent everyday thinking about what we were and whether she even loved me like she had told me because it didn't feel it. What I felt was misery. I remember lying awake at nights. I remember crying. If I was thinking clearly, I would have admitted the red flags that I saw in the beginning and cut it off before it became what it did but, I needed intimacy, companionship, love and someone to validate my value because I certainly didn't care enough about myself to do it. Nearly destroyed myself for it. That's Co-dependency.

 

Truth is, I could avoided a lot of terrible situations if I had known this back then but I didn't.

 

People who see value in themselves already know how to recognize what they have and who's there. They invest in what is meaningful to them and they don't centralize their life to finding a partner. So they come into a relationship from a place of strength and they give to the relationship not be liked or loved, but because they want to share what they bring to the table. They are ready to walk away if need be.

 

Time and time again, I see these kinds of people but I also see the people who centralize their lives around finding love and friendship. Both groups have problems but the second category of people end up having far more emotionally sporadic lives that cost them in other areas while the first are more balanced and the end up accomplishing far more in all categories.

 

- Beach

Edited August 9, 2018 by Beachead

[cooldude123]

I am taking my days in a very positive manner, busy with work, workout and regularly involving in some or the other activities.

However the back of mind always has that tragic sadness of losing something very dear.

When i sleep at night , i do get peaceful sleep. But my dreams are filled with past menories of my relationship with Ex. It also brings in nonsense sub consious thoughts about my childhood crushes, some early childhoid memories, good ones usually and having a relatiinship with someone other than my ex. Sometimes feelings of betrayal,loneliness, sadness etc. Its a weird feeling. I cant be roo sad. I cant be too happy. I go through this phase every night when asleep. Although the dream phase is not in my control.

Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?

[Beachead]

I am taking my days in a very positive manner, busy with work, workout and regularly involving in some or the other activities.

However the back of mind always has that tragic sadness of losing something very dear.

When i sleep at night , i do get peaceful sleep. But my dreams are filled with past menories of my relationship with Ex. It also brings in nonsense sub consious thoughts about my childhood crushes, some early childhoid memories, good ones usually and having a relatiinship with someone other than my ex. Sometimes feelings of betrayal,loneliness, sadness etc. Its a weird feeling. I cant be roo sad. I cant be too happy. I go through this phase every night when asleep. Although the dream phase is not in my control.

Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?

 

Ah, the old dreams. Been there as well.

 

The dreams will eventually subside as your mind starts to reestablish balance so your objective is to do things that will help you achieve that balance. Things that make you feel as good as you can feel given this period of time, whatever it is. The only thing I would advise not to do is to drink or indulge in drugs or date or jump into new relationships. These are just coping mechanisms that avoid dealing with and processing your pain. You will not heal from it, only postpone. You will need to ride the pain out and let your mind process and and solve the puzzles and get through this period of time. Peace and quiet and healthy people and activities in your life is what will do it for you.

 

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2018 by Beachead

[aminae7]

Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?

 

The best way to get over someone is TIME!

 

U can do it cooldude123;)

[Marc878]

I am taking my days in a very positive manner, busy with work, workout and regularly involving in some or the other activities.

However the back of mind always has that tragic sadness of losing something very dear.

When i sleep at night , i do get peaceful sleep. But my dreams are filled with past menories of my relationship with Ex. It also brings in nonsense sub consious thoughts about my childhood crushes, some early childhoid memories, good ones usually and having a relatiinship with someone other than my ex. Sometimes feelings of betrayal,loneliness, sadness etc. Its a weird feeling. I cant be roo sad. I cant be too happy. I go through this phase every night when asleep. Although the dream phase is not in my control.

Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?

 

Get busy making new memories. It will help overshadow the old ones.

[cooldude123]

I sometimes wonder the human mind is so tricky that it simply remembers the past memories no matter ehat the circumstances are. despite living in an emotionally abusive relationship i remember the good and the bad things of our past relationship. This is after being dumped and I being the dumpee.

 

Isn't it odd the dumper hardly goes through any of the guilt feeling or the pain that the dumpee is facing?

[Beachead]

I sometimes wonder the human mind is so tricky that it simply remembers the past memories no matter ehat the circumstances are. despite living in an emotionally abusive relationship i remember the good and the bad things of our past relationship. This is after being dumped and I being the dumpee.

 

Isn't it odd the dumper hardly goes through any of the guilt feeling or the pain that the dumpee is facing?

 

They go through emotions..it's just different from what we go through as dumpees.

 

If we're lucky, some partners may actually talk about things and settle on breaking up together as being the best solution. Doesn't happen often though.

 

In most cases, dumpers do their "Getting over you" in the relationship itself. They sit there, analyzing the pros and cons of being with you and assessing whether it's worth it for them. But if you and the relationship isn't for them, being with you will start to feel like an obligation and that feeling will get progressively worse until it feels like a prison. Their guilt starts to pile on because they know what they're going to have to do so they try to postpone the inevitable for as long as they can. They also start to feel better and better spending time with other people and doing other things because being with you reminds them of every sh*tty thing they feel about themself, about you and the relationship. It's like relief. Most dumpers will hide it well. Maybe we notice they're more irritable. Maybe they are less talkative. Maybe they smile less. Either way, we chalk it up to them having bad day. We'll excuse it. We'll let it slide. We trust them and believe in our relationship with them. Weak people who are on their way to dumping you may start to talk to other women or men and begin building a portfolio of possible prospects to bounce to as they prepare to leave. Others may just cheat and not say a word because they're afraid to be alone and lose what's comfortable and familiar.

 

In the end, when they've finally reached that point where they are tired of lying to themselves about how unhappy they are and have prepared for the departure, they end it. Again, weak people might blame you or make you feel like you did something wrong but it's really just them projecting their guilt onto you. Others might cope by jumping into a new relationship. Only thing for them to get over at that point is the doubt/fear about the future and the guilt. They're already a good 80-90% over the whole thing. That's why to us, they seem cold, remorseless and heartless when the relationship ends.

 

For us, this is all one big sudden atomic bomb of a shock. It's Day 0 of moving on for us while it's day 150 for them.

 

-Beach

Edited August 11, 2018 by Beachead

[cooldude123]

On a lighter note, should i be sending b'day wishes to my ex who I have blocked since divorce? I know the answer is mostly no, but still putting it out there for your feedback.

[aminae7]

On a lighter note, should i be sending b'day wishes to my ex who I have blocked since divorce? I know the answer is mostly no, but still putting it out there for your feedback.

 

The answer is no plane and simple. You didn't block her for no reason , right? It should be a mutual understanding between you that you are not talking but you never know when contact will come. If you are committed to it I would say no..

[Beachead]

On a lighter note, should i be sending b'day wishes to my ex who I have blocked since divorce? I know the answer is mostly no, but still putting it out there for your feedback.

 

1. Do you want to get back together with her? Nope.

 

2. Do you want to be friends with her? Nope

 

3. Can you be friends with her? Nope

 

There is no purpose to it.

 

- Beach

[cooldude123]

Finally the car registration is out of my name.. it appears she has already transferred it a long time ago. I was a dumb guy just to have not been aware of it.

Such is my plight to have trusted her so much all the time we stayed together while she had 0 trust in me the entire 6 yrs.

I dispatched all her marital assets to her home and i think they promptly received it as well. Tracking confirmed it. Anything related to money they are alert and quick to accept it.

[cooldude123]

Found an interesting girl that i am seriously considering moving forward by dating and getting to know more about each other.

It is appalling the kind of treatment she underwent with her ex and was in such an abusive relationship that she had not dated anyone and remained single for 4 years! I would say she had a strong reason to divorce that ex of hers. After seeing my profile online she thought she would give it a go and we both were so open with each other that we communicated for hours together. So fingers crossed that my physical meeting will go well too!

[Marc878]

Good luck. You'll be fine now.

[cooldude123]

Ex again messaged me saying she owes me money and wants to return it. This is the millionth time she is coming back despite repeatedly telling her that we have no financial dues. How to handle This? Any thoughts? Blocking wont help as she can respond from a different email.

[Zahara]

Ex again messaged me saying she owes me money and wants to return it. This is the millionth time she is coming back despite repeatedly telling her that we have no financial dues. How to handle This? Any thoughts? Blocking wont help as she can respond from a different email.

 

Just ignore it. She is trying to bait you to communicate. She needs you to respond on her terms and since you are not doing that, it's annoying the heck out of her so she's finding excuses to break NC.

 

Based on you list as to how she treated you, her actions now are about her control over you. She was able to do it then, and it is unacceptable to her that she isn't able to do it now.

 

Stay NC. At some point these types go away when they realize that you have no more attention to feed them.

[cooldude123]

I thought it over and I know if i do not respond this will keep coming back to me every once a while. I wanted this matter closed with email evidence.

 

So I sent a response saying that I am not interested to take anything from her and it was money spent for us and not her or me. Asked her to be content and peaceful. And i will have her in my prayers and wish her the best no matter what. Take care.

 

After a while late night, she responded saying that i took care of all expenses for us with my salary and she had saved hers for our future. So i need to receive what is mine. And that she would be thankful if i take it back and put it to whatever good use I need to.

 

Just a while ago I woke up, sent a reply thanking for the offer and responded saying that I respectfully decline. The matter is closed and I am glad she has found her peace.

 

Now she responded back saying Why I decline all the time and this matter will never be closed till I take the money.

 

I responded saying i won't reply to her going forward unless its a geniune post divorce need.

 

She responded saying she was sorry to have invaded my private space and bug me. And going forward she won't bug me in future. Take care.

 

I think i just have to simply ignore any emails going forward.

Edited September 13, 2018 by cooldude123

[stillafool]

I not feel this reflects well on her at all. A truly caring person would realize they hurt the ex and do their best to leave them alone and heal.

 

What she is doing is self serving and manipulative and has nothing to do with caring about the OP.

 

He should not respond unless her lawyer is contacting him at which point he should have his lawyer respond.

 

He has no legal or moral obligation to ever speak with her again.

 

I completely agree with the above. OP I think your response to her is appropriate. She wanted the divorce now let her live with it. After you answered her insurance questions that's all that is required from you. I hope you meet a really great woman.

[Normm]

She said she owes you money and she wants to return it.

 

 

 

Not seeing a problem.

 

 

 

She can

 

 

 

- send a check

- pay via bank auto pay

- use paypal

 

 

That's for starters.

 

 

 

If she wants to give you money, then take it. Unless you have more than you can possibly spend.

[Orokotikki]

Agreed, she is just playing a game with you. If she wanted to send you money she could just send you a check.

 

It will continue, since you keep responding.

 

Cut her from your life and move forward to see what life has to offer you. -THIS MEANS NO RESPONSES FROM YOU - You delete spam don't you? delete or archive her emails - you can even setup rules if you have gmail or outlook or other email services to handle the emails automatically.

 

If you cannot maintain NC then take the damn money and donate it to charity.

[Whodatdog]

Its painfully obvious she's trying to keep contact open with you. For what reason, I dont know, unless she's so used to controlling your life that she wants to continue with that. By ignoring her ridiculous emails...she owes you money? She can mail you a check.....you take control of the situation. So take control and stop the contact. You owe her nothing. Its over and done with.

[Marc878]

You have control over your phone and email (your life).

 

Start using it.

 

No more response. She'll go away eventually

[cooldude123]

Thank you all for providing a valuable feedback. yes, I believe in a way I got a closure because this money thing had been the talk of our entire marital life. she always always always suspected me of taking money from her while I had not touched a bit.

little could she realize life and relationships are bigger than money.

we took an oath in front of the judge that we have settled everything. The judge in fact asked few times to my ex to confirm settlement. the matter was clearly discussed a million times and agreed upon. Because of her suspicious behavior she was unable to trust me or this relationship. Pushed me for an annulment first and later we agreed for an uncontested divorce which I agreed too without much hesitation. now she wants to offer me money after going through all this circus. pretty sure she will be answerable to God for spoiling an honest pious relationship.

I want her to live the rest of her life happily and peacefully with whomever she wishes to live with. but I want to answer questions about her integrity in afterlife.

[Marc878]

Right now you are giving her way to much of your head space.

 

You doing this will just keep you bound up in it.

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

If you want to move on

[cooldude123]

Hope all are having a good holiday season!

I had a Q regarding my situation. One of our common friends with ex is keeping in touch with me and asking my whereabouts once in a while. He was not very close before divorce but we were in touch once in a while. I am not the one to initiate the conversations but it appears he is messaging me once in a while to check on me.

I also remember ex telling me once a long time ago that after divorce, its upto me if she wants me to keep in touch with any of her friends. and she kinda hinted that I keep in touch with him.

I and him were occasionally corresponding before and after divorce. He even invited me home once after divorce and I just gave a pretext that I was busy. Now he checks up on me once in a while.

 

How should my response be ?

Should I communicate at all and if yes how and what ?

 

On a positive note, I am moving on successfully. And I befriended a girl during dating and we even had very passionate kisses and romantic sex. Although I don't have much feelings towards her currently, she is on cloud9 and wants to pursue this relationship further. She said that she has dated many and had a couple of hookups, but never ever experienced the warmth affection, passion and romantic love that she experienced. This was my first sex may be after 4 years or so. Its interesting that during the entire duration of our Sex starved marriage, I was unable to have a proper sexual relationship with my ex for whatever reason. But now I was able to perform it because the other person was also patient, knew some sensual trigger points (That i myself did not and do not know since all these years) and willing to accept me as her trusted partner. I guess this is all that was missing in our Sex starved marriage and wish that the Ex could realize this.

Edited December 17, 2018 by cooldude123