Is the OM ghosting me?

[BaileyB]

Indeed, if she wants to blow up her marriage, she should continue on the path she is walking...

 

I understand that it’s complicated and that divorcing will have a significant affect on your finances and quality of life, but if having a healthy sexual relationship with a man is important to you then you should divorce your husband.

 

You deserve to have a relationship that meets your needs - all your needs, including a sexual relationship with your husband. You have already proven that staying with your husband and denying your needs is not going to work long term. Neither is staying and engaging in an affair with another man, but you have yet to discover that.

[stillafool]

To answer your question, yes this man is trying to ghost you. I'm going to be honest with you. He chose to not have sex with you but to finger bang instead which says he wasn't overly attracted to you. He is in no hurry to meet you again and is making any excuse possible not to meet you. I think the writing is on the wall but you don't want to read it you prefer to chase a MM who is not interested in what you want. If you are intent on getting sex outside of your marriage I would suggest you find another man who is interested.

 

 

The thing is that I'm not inexperienced and most guys dont make me feel that good.

 

How would you know this if you aren't having sex with other guys? I thought you have only had sex 4 times in 4 years.

[BaileyB]

To answer your question, yes this man is trying to ghost you. I'm going to be honest with you. He chose to not have sex with you but to finger bang instead which says he wasn't overly attracted to you. He is in no hurry to meet you again and is making any excuse possible not to meet you. I think the writing is on the wall but you don't want to read it you prefer to chase a MM who is not interested in what you want.

 

That, or he wants to cheat but for some reason he is not quite comfortable with taking the big step - thus the push-pull, one foot in, one foot out dynamic. It seems to me that something is holding him back, and I wonder if by chance it may be his conscience.

 

I do agree that he is making up every excuse in the book not to meet again, which is why it’s definitely time to see the writing on the wall and let him go - don’t chase him.

[stillafool]

What could be holding him back are other women he's met and having sex with on AM.

[BaileyB]

What could be holding him back are other women he's met and having sex with on AM.

 

It’s possible. It’s either one or the other - he’s not ready to take that step (which seems strange for a man who has found himself an affair partner) or he is a player, and you are not the only woman in his bed OP.

 

Either way, why would you want this in your life?

[RoseGold18]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I'm done dealing with this guy. He has caused me more stress and sadness than pleasure. Obviously, he is going through a lot right now, or has a lot of other women he is also seeing, or he is just not that interested in me.

 

Oh well, such is life.

 

I will not contact him anymore.

 

As far as divorce goes... we probably will one day. Maybe when our son is out of daycare and that costs goes down. I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now. I need to find another outlet in my life that brings me happiness. Maybe I need more me time or more time with my friends.

Edited July 19, 2018 by RoseGold18

[standtall]

Actually, it's the opposite, people are trying to help stop her from blowing up her marriage...No one goes into an affair thinking, I'm going to be caught, yet most are. Besides, whatever she gets into will only make things worse, she just refuses to see or acknowledge it.

 

Thanks...you proved my point by not responding to my answer to the question. The OP got it though.

[Bittersweetie]

I met my xAP on AM. And looking back over the year that I knew him, when he would stop responding me, or "ghost" me, that was when he was with his other girlfriend. He actually told me he had another girlfriend, and "let me go," but I refused to see him for what he was and continued to reach out. He finally contacted me after both his girlfriend AND his wife dumped him.

 

I've already said my piece regarding the huge mistake I think it is walking down this AM path, as I've done it, lived it, and paid the price. Nothing good or positive came out of my choices and actions. NOTHING. I cannot say that enough.

[pepperbird]

I don't approve of cheating, but in these cases I sure don't mind it. Her husband is not victim. He it an abuser in my opinion.

 

In fact I think we should all look at people that do not meet the sexual needs of their husband or wife an abuser. Because that it what it is.

 

And for men, I will not blast them for screwing around either in this type of case. I will blast them and woman for not being strong enough to divorce the abuser.

 

Listen, if you are married or in a relationship, you should be IN LOVE, you should be having sex. That is one thing that keeps love alive.

 

Sex is part of life, is should be part of any marriage, or any romantic relationship.

 

When I am in love with a woman, I am unable to keep my hands off of her, and if she is with me, she better be the same way. With my GF, we cannot keep our hands off of each other, ever.

 

And we are way older than some of the people on this thread.

 

There is really no excuse for this type of thing to go on in a marriage, I believe it is abuse and the other partner should get out of the marriage.

 

But him a victim, please...

 

 

Sorry, but I'm going to call bullst@t on this response. Quit trying to shame someone for being who he is.

 

The op herself said she knew going in to the marriage that sex wasn't high on her prospective husband's radar. He hid nothing from her, and she either thought he might change or she was willing to forgo a having a partner with a high sex drive because he could provide her with the other benefits she was seeking from a marriage.

 

It's really no different than someone being upset because they chose to marry someone with a high sex drive and expected them to change and become less interested in sex once they get the ring on.

 

Op, if your husband is truly asexual, that is who he is. He sits at the end of the sexual spectrum, and he doesn't need testosterone or other drugs, he doesn't need therapy or "help". You will have to decide if this is something you can live with. Cheating isn't the answer.

Edited July 19, 2018 by pepperbird

[BluesPower]

Sorry, but I'm going to call bullst@t on this response. Quit trying to shame someone for being who he is.

 

The op herself said she knew going in to the marriage that sex wasn't high on her prospective husband's radar. He hid nothing from her, and she either thought he might change or she was willing to forgo a having a partner with a high sex drive because he could provide her with the other benefits she was seeking from a marriage.

 

It's really no different than someone being upset because they chose to marry someone with a high sex drive and expected them to change and become less interested in sex once they get the ring on.

 

Op, if your husband is truly asexual, that is who he is. He sits at the end of the sexual spectrum, and he doesn't need testosterone or other drugs, he doesn't need therapy or "help". You will have to decide if this is something you can live with. Cheating isn't the answer.

 

Call it what you will... but know that I never condoned her cheating, I recommended divorce.

 

And, he if he is asexual, or just super low drive, he should not have married a woman and then keep her is sexual prison.

 

And... And, I told her she was a fool for marrying him in the first place.

 

But understand this about me and people like me... I have ZERO respect for any partner in a romantic relationship that does not take care of the other partners sexual needs. ZERO...

 

I have known women in these types of situations, and it breaks my heart.

 

As much as I HATED my ex I never failed to take care of her sexual needs, or any other woman that I have ever been with.

 

This is a form of abuse, no matter what everyone else thinks.

 

And as a man, I am probably biased toward men the deny their partners sex.

 

You know her choices are not morally right, I get that. But, as much as I am against infidelity, the one and only reason I can ever accept it from anyone, is when their partner denies them a sex life.

 

I will never condone it, but in that narrow case, I can understand it.

 

Further, people that are anti-sex or asexual, which I believe is a spectrum, should not get married. They just should not.

 

There are enough bad marriages already, why make one that is sure to be bad.

[pepperbird]

op,

you admit yourself that you knew upfront, long before you married this man and chose to have children with him that he wasn't ever going to provide you with what you need sexually.

 

Do you honestly see that changing about him?

 

I understand why divorce may seem like a really scary prospect, and only you know if it's the right choice for you. As you make your decision, ask yourself what will your children's home life be like should you decide to stay? What will it be like should you decide to go? If you choose to stay will resentment towards your husband build up and result in a toxic environment for your children, or do you feel that there is enough affection between the two of you to ensure your little ones will continue to have a nurturing environment?

[RoseGold18]

op,

you admit yourself that you knew upfront, long before you married this man and chose to have children with him that he wasn't ever going to provide you with what you need sexually.

 

Do you honestly see that changing about him?

 

I understand why divorce may seem like a really scary prospect, and only you know if it's the right choice for you. As you make your decision, ask yourself what will your children's home life be like should you decide to stay? What will it be like should you decide to go? If you choose to stay will resentment towards your husband build up and result in a toxic environment for your children, or do you feel that there is enough affection between the two of you to ensure your little ones will continue to have a nurturing environment?

 

Ive made terrible life choices for sure and now I'm paying the price.

 

I really have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Either choice whether I stay or go makes me cry.

 

I would love a redo on that part of my life. I feel like such a failure.

 

I ask myself does my unhappiness sexually and emotionally matter more than my sons well being and financial stability. Makes me feel extremely selfish to essentially break up our family because I want to have sex. But I know it's more than that. I want the intimacy and feeling loved, cherished, and wanted.

 

My husband treats me like a friend. And he doesn't know any other way.

 

I am having a really hard time right now.

[BaileyB]

Counselling... Find yourself an individual counsellor and perhaps eventually, a marriage counsellor.

 

If you leave the marriage, your son will be well loved, well cared for, and you will find a way to make the finances work. Nobody would suggest that you make a selfish decision that would put your son at risk... but still, you deserve to find happiness.

 

So much to consider, which is why it would be a good plan to find a counsellor who can work with you to weigh the pros and cons of this decision and discover what you really want for your life.

 

You have acknowledged that you have made poor decisions, and now you feel like you are paying the price. Don't compound your pain by making more bad decisions... Do this right, find a counsellor and make a good decision - a rational, not emotional, decision that has been thoughtfully considered from all sides...

[Jamess1]

This is how I feel. We have so much going for us. We really do. We have so many mutual friends, he is absolutely great to my family, adores our son to pieces, is a great father, great provider, has a great sense of humor, and is a good person. I know I can find someone to have sex with me but the other stuff is hard to find. This is why I'm staying.

 

. . . accurate description of the type of men women disrespect and always cheat on. I am nt the above, and they never cheat, they do leave or get dumped with broken heart, bt cheat,never. ,

[DKT3]

Ive made terrible life choices for sure and now I'm paying the price.

 

I really have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Either choice whether I stay or go makes me cry.

 

I would love a redo on that part of my life. I feel like such a failure.

 

I ask myself does my unhappiness sexually and emotionally matter more than my sons well being and financial stability. Makes me feel extremely selfish to essentially break up our family because I want to have sex. But I know it's more than that. I want the intimacy and feeling loved, cherished, and wanted.

 

My husband treats me like a friend. And he doesn't know any other way.

 

I am having a really hard time right now.

 

I have to ask, you said your husband is bad in bed. Bad is different than unwilling. So is the sex just bad or is there actually no sex?

 

I'm guessing that a woman having bad sex will be less likely to want to have sex. This has actually come up alot around here where sex is bad, the woman sends this message out clearly to the husband in a nonverbal manner, sometimes even verbally then is shocked some time later that her husband has totally lost interest.

[RoseGold18]

I have to ask, you said your husband is bad in bed. Bad is different than unwilling. So is the sex just bad or is there actually no sex?

 

Both...

 

We haven't had sex since April and that is pretty typical. Maybe once every 3 months.

 

And when we do have sex there is never any foreplay. He usually has to pleasure himself to be able to get an erection and that usually happens when I'm not even present and then he'll come over and just say no? Or want to have sex? Oh believe me... it is oh so romantic it makes me wet right away. :::sarcastic:::

 

After being with this other guy I realized that I have not had an orgasm like that in 10 years. Insane. Completely mind blowing. This is why I was so eager to see him again. It was so intense for me.

 

My husband doesn't kiss me (besides a peck). He doesn't caress me, fondle me, nothing. He used to offer to give me massages but he just wanted me to go to sleep afterwards. Now when he offers them and I just say no because I want sex, not massages.

 

We're just incompatible when it comes to sex and I knew that pretty early on in our relationship but I stayed for other reasons.

 

We haven't French kissed since our wedding day. And when I think about it I don't think my husband has ever fingered me. I can probably count on 2 hands the amount of times he has done oral on me. A lot of guys in my past would do oral on me every time we had sex. He also has issues ejaculating. Usually he can't and I used to be really hurt by that.

 

My husband is both inexperienced and uninterested. When the relationship first started he was single for over 7 years and I just figured he was so used to being single I thought I just had to give it time.

 

We have also never cuddled and I've always been a very affectionate and huge cuddler. In the beginning when I realized he didn't cuddle I just told myself to not scare him off. I had a crush on him for years before we started dating, and I didn't want him to think I was crazy or obsessed. When he attempts to cuddle his arm is just dead weight and it is so heavy I don't enjoy it. I'm small and feel like even just his arm is crushing me.

 

We never cuddle on the couch or anything. We just literally sit side by side. We tell each other I love you. We peck when we leave work and we hug maybe 3 times a week and that's the extent of our affections.

 

That's basically the same relationship I have with my mother and brothers besides the peck on the lips.

 

His parents are very unaffectionate people and never gave him hugs growing up or said I love you. They are Asian and the culture is just so different.

 

My husband is also the rare guy that can have a completely platonic relationship with women. (I mean that's what our relationship basically is) He has more female friends than I do. Of all ages from 20's through 65+ years old. Most of the are coworkers and friends from high school/college.

 

He doesn't see women as sexual beings. He respects them and he also has a lot of guy friends too. My husband is popular and social but he is also a complete nerd. He used to play video games for 8 hours straight before we had our son. He likes to also play magic the gathering and watch anime. He spends his free time doing that and none of those things are couple things. He is also obsessed with sports and I don't enjoy it. We really are just so different.

 

If I met him outside of work there is no way we've would've made it past a couple of dates, but I worked with him for 3 years before we started dating and I liked how funny and nice he was. He was that funny, young guy in the office that all the older ladies had crushes on because he was so nice.

 

No one knows of our situation. Everyone probably thinks our relationship is completely fine. And no one would ever suspect of me cheating because it's completely out of character for me, and I've always been extremely against it.

 

But i am desperate for human contact. I want to feel wanted and loved like a lover, not a friend.

Edited July 20, 2018 by RoseGold18

[kamani]

There are red flags all over your last post to suggest me that he may be gay. Have you ever checked his computer history? If not check it you can do it by pressing Control+H

 

OP I am married to a gay (at least bi sexual) man and didn't know till 8 years of marriage.

 

I know other posters will jump at me for suggesting this.

 

I strictly suggest you to tell him what you have done. Press him for reasons for not having sex.

[stillafool]

Yeah, I agree something is off about this man. I wonder if he is getting some on the side. All of his female friends and some in their 20s, yeah, okay. I don't know but I don't see this getting any better for OP. Divorce is your best option if you ever want sex again.

[RoseGold18]

There are red flags all over your last post to suggest me that he may be gay. Have you ever checked his computer history? If not check it you can do it by pressing Control+H

 

OP I am married to a gay (at least bi sexual) man and didn't know till 8 years of marriage.

 

I know other posters will jump at me for suggesting this.

 

I strictly suggest you to tell him what you have done. Press him for reasons for not having sex.

 

I've asked before multiple times. The first time was pretty early in our relationship and he got really upset that I would ask him that.

 

He actually blames me for why he feels so inadequate. He said me asking him made him feel inadequate and even worse.

 

His parents are really against homosexuality. They are not from America and they are really religious. It wouldn't surprise me that he could be but was never allowed to express it etc...

 

He doesn't have any gay male friends though... all of his male friends are married and straight.

[Striver]

I've asked before multiple times. The first time was pretty early in our relationship and he got really upset that I would ask him that.

 

He actually blames me for why he feels so inadequate. He said me asking him made him feel inadequate and even worse.

 

His parents are really against homosexuality. They are not from America and they are really religious. It wouldn't surprise me that he could be but was never allowed to express it etc...

 

He doesn't have any gay male friends though... all of his male friends are married and straight.

 

The many platonic girlfriends is sort of a gay man cliche.

 

There are many heterosexual men with effeminate/gay characteristics. In your case, the lack of interest in sexuality is why you care. Given his family hostility towards homosexuality, maybe? You may never get a straight answer from H if that is the issue.