Why Do Guys Feel This is Ok?

[alphamale]

at least he has a sense of humour which I cannot say for many women

[OatsAndHall]

because some women don't mind it and perhaps that's what he's used to. Nothing wrong with that.

 

You're not. Nothing wrong with that--but you're not right for each other if he's turned you off, so why are you still dealing with him if he's got you recoiling this like?

 

 

I've had it go the other way as well; several women have started dishing out the sexual innuendos before we've met. I don't mind if we've met and had a quality first date but I don't get into those exchanges early on. I was ghosted by a woman last fall when I she came on hard with the dirty talk and I didn't engage with her on it. She asked what was wrong and I told her that I wasn't into pillow talk until we'd met. Bam.. No reply. Lol.

[basil67]

They think it's OK because some women are OK with it. It's not bad or wrong, it's just not what you're looking for.

[JuneL]

I also had a super brief stint on OLD. Fortunately, I didn’t encounter any sexual comments or pics in their early messages. But I was puzzled why pretty much all the guys felt the need to compliment you on your looks. I would think that, by definition, a guy wouldn’t bother to message a woman if he doesn’t at least find her attractive.

[Malin889]

First of all, not all guys do this ... not even most ... and yes, I'm a guy ... and I might be naive ...

 

And ... forget the reason why. Cancel this guy ... You cannot even have a relaxed social media talk with him ... without sex coming up in a way that is uncomfortable for you. End of story. End of game. Move on to different guy.

 

Contrary to what you might be feeling (I assume very frustrated), this interaction with him is a success. The whole point of exchanging messages with someone early on is as much to screen out wackos as it is to find good people. Screening this guy out--ignoring him, canceling any future date--is the flip side of opening up to a guy who is good for you.

 

Tip: In the future, trust yourself to move faster. If you have to suppress negative reactions and look past strong negative reactions early on, no way is the relationship is gonna work. Early on is when people are on their best behavior, most agreeable, most determined to show their good sides, most likely to be cautious.

 

So as soon as he mentioned "spanking" the first time and you reacted negatively, that was your cue to move him out of the column of "possibility" and into the column of "not likely." In fact, that was enough of a cue for many people to put him in the "never" category.

 

Trust your negative reactions--especially early on. They're telling you something!

 

Don't ignore crazy nonsense people say. That's exactly what you any pay attention to ... and pull away accordingly.

 

Great advice, thanks! You hit the nail on the head! And yes, I'm frustrated with men in general acting this way, that's why I'm going to take a little break from OLD. But I like how you said this interaction was a success. That makes sense. Thanks!

Edited July 19, 2018 by Malin889

[rightondude]

eh, people are different. This certainly isn't my approach, and if this ain't what you're into, pass and move on. Lord knows women normally have plenty of options. That's how OLD works, you don't just stick with someone you don't click with and hope they get better BEFORE even actually going out with them. You part ways and move on.

[dispatch3d]

I find these posts funny. The guy is a doctor for crying out loud, he's doing something right, but despite that (very) impressive accomplishment you are insisting on "screening" him based on a couple jokes that aren't to your taste.

 

For me personally I tend to screen based on accomplishments as opposed to me not liking a couple jokes someone says - in which case I might just tell them I didn't like the joke.

 

Also don't be so serious!

[carhill]

If anyone defines a pragmatist, it's a medical professional. Men do what works. It's not about feelings, rather results.

[guest569]

That would have put me right off too. Haven't even met and established attraction or chemistry yet. I don't mind flirting if it is non sexual and save the sexual comments until later.

[Andy_K]

He's doing what tends to work more often online. There are more girls out there who will lose interest from him not engaging in any flirty conversation than there are who will be put off for him being a little too forward.

[kendahke]

You have been texting this guy for a few weeks and you have never met him face to face yet? I have some news for you first of all : You won't EVER meet him fact to face. He's not that serious about meeting you. It's just a texting / pen pal relationship. .

 

So very true.

 

The gentleman I'm currently seeing asked to meet me (instead of the other way around) by day 3.

 

I've found if neither person suggests an in person meeting by day 3 of texting, then there isn't enough interest to give it serious consideration. They're just marking time.

 

A man (or woman) who is really interested in you in the right way acts like it--there is no mistaking their intention.

[Malin889]

I find these posts funny. The guy is a doctor for crying out loud, he's doing something right, but despite that (very) impressive accomplishment you are insisting on "screening" him based on a couple jokes that aren't to your taste.

 

For me personally I tend to screen based on accomplishments as opposed to me not liking a couple jokes someone says - in which case I might just tell them I didn't like the joke.

 

Also don't be so serious!

 

I don’t really see it as screening I was actually having a nice conversation with him and was hoping that we could meet up and was hoping that he would be a decent guy to hopefully date, but he said a few things that were uncomfortable (and frankly, disrespectful) to me. And it’s nice to applaud someone for their “accomplishments” like becoming a doctor, but just because there a doctor or they have a good job it doesn’t mean that they’re classy or a gentleman.

 

I love to joke and I’m not a serious person but I also like to be respected. It is interesting though that when someone does joke with you and say something disrespectful and you don’t like it that they then accuse you of being “too serious“.

[kendahke]

I don’t really see it as screening I was actually having a nice conversation with him and was hoping that we could meet up and was hoping that he would be a decent guy to hopefully date, but he said a few things that were uncomfortable (and frankly, disrespectful) to me. And it’s nice to applaud someone for their “accomplishments” like becoming a doctor, but just because there a doctor or they have a good job it doesn’t mean that they’re classy or a gentleman.

 

I love to joke and I’m not a serious person but I also like to be respected. It is interesting though that when someone does joke with you and say something disrespectful and you don’t like it that they then accuse you of being “too serious“.

 

So the take away from this is that you're not going to be in any further contact with him, right?

[Malin889]

So the take away from this is that you're not going to be in any further contact with him, right?

 

Correct. I told him yesterday that I think we are interested in different things, but thanks anyway. He said “ok”, and that was that. I think he understood. And I agree with you about asking someone out earlier. I agree a person would ask you out earlier if they are really interested or they are just wasting time.

[Malin889]

You have been texting this guy for a few weeks and you have never met him face to face yet? I have some news for you first of all : You won't EVER meet him fact to face. He's not that serious about meeting you. It's just a texting / pen pal relationship. Second : He would be more respectful of you if he was really interested in meeting you rather than making sex comments to you. Fact.

 

Drop him.

 

I actually just looked at when we started texting, and I realized it’s only been about a week- ha- since we started texting. We were messaging a few times online and a week texting.

 

But I could not agree MORE about the respectful part. I’m all set with this guy.

[guest569]

I actually just looked at when we started texting, and I realized it’s only been about a week- ha- since we started texting. We were messaging a few times online and a week texting.

 

But I could not agree MORE about the respectful part. I’m all set with this guy.

 

Well I think a bit of conversation before meeting is important. I like to know what the person is about before I know if I even want to meet them. It may be seen as time wasting but I see it as time saving. I'm talking a few messages back and forth over a few days or a week

 

In this case I think it might have been a positive as you got to know him enough to know that you're incompatible.

[guest569]

 

For me personally I tend to screen based on accomplishments as opposed to me not liking a couple jokes someone says - in which case I might just tell them I didn't like the joke.

 

You screen based on what they do for work rather than who they are as a person. If that's important to you that's fab. But I couldn't care less if someone is a doctor if their personality does not fit with mine. He made Malin feel uncomfortable several times before they even had a first date. She stuck around and gave him benefit of the doubt but the sexual comments kept coming. We all have a different sense of humour. I personally think his jokes were lame and hardly call them jokes. He was trying to flirt. The spanking comment might have been more effective a few dates later if things were getting hot n heavy and there was flirtation and rapport happening.

[dude360]

You sound uptight as hell. You'll be doing him a favor by cutting him off.

[ElKay]

I think the more mature guys wait for you to first starting to flirt and then the kinky texts and suggestions come out. I love that! The convos become really fun for me then.

 

I think the less mature guys might just assume that starting off with that will work on anyone?

[OatsAndHall]

I think the more mature guys wait for you to first starting to flirt and then the kinky texts and suggestions come out. I love that! The convos become really fun for me then.

 

I think the less mature guys might just assume that starting off with that will work on anyone?

 

 

Guys do it because it does work the majority of the time, for whatever reason. I have several male friends (ranging in age from 24 to 51 years old) who use OLD religiously and they will start using sexual innuendoes early and often and with little to no backlash.

 

 

 

Honestly, I don't know how they do it.. It just sends too many mixed signals for me. I met a woman once via OLD who poured on the sexual innuendoes hard but got stand-offish when I responded. Here's an example of a conversation we had:

 

 

Her: -Sends picture of her in HOT Halloween costume- "Here's the costume I'm wearing, it's so much more comfortable now that I've taken my panties off. -insert random emoji-"

 

 

Me: "Wow, you look gorgeous... But talking like that is going get you into nothing but trouble. -insert another, random, dumb emoji-"

 

 

Her: "Umm.. Look, I'm just flirting here.. I don't want you to walk into our date with expectations.."

 

 

Me: "No worries, I'm just flirting too. I understand and I don't have any expectations."

 

 

What I wanted to text: "You started off the sexual innuendoes at an 10, I backed it off to a 4. Also, NO SH-T, I'm 37 years old; of course I'm not assuming that we're going to sleep together on our first date.."

[ElKay]

Guys do it because it does work the majority of the time, for whatever reason. I have several male friends (ranging in age from 24 to 51 years old) who use OLD religiously and they will start using sexual innuendoes early and often and with little to no backlash.

 

 

Honestly, I don't know how they do it.. It just sends too many mixed signals for me. I met a woman once via OLD who poured on the sexual innuendoes hard but got stand-offish when I responded. Here's an example of a conversation we had:

 

 

Her: -Sends picture of her in HOT Halloween costume- "Here's the costume I'm wearing, it's so much more comfortable now that I've taken my panties off. -insert random emoji-"

 

 

Me: "Wow, you look gorgeous... But talking like that is going get you into nothing but trouble. -insert another, random, dumb emoji-"

 

 

Her: "Umm.. Look, I'm just flirting here.. I don't want you to walk into our date with expectations.."

 

 

Me: "No worries, I'm just flirting too. I understand and I don't have any expectations."

 

 

What I wanted to text: "You started off the sexual innuendoes at an 10, I backed it off to a 4. Also, NO SH-T, I'm 37 years old; of course I'm not assuming that we're going to sleep together on our first date.."

 

Oh wow, that's surprising! I only once did end up mentioning that I'm shy at first and not to expect me to be a kinky monster, haha, but that's because our convo went to a 10 and stayed at that for a while.

It's confusing if a woman starts it but gets nervous when she gets a reply in consequence.

 

Maybe it just depends on the type of women you talk to versus the ones your friends talk to?

[OatsAndHall]

Oh wow, that's surprising! I only once did end up mentioning that I'm shy at first and not to expect me to be a kinky monster, haha, but that's because our convo went to a 10 and stayed at that for a while.

It's confusing if a woman starts it but gets nervous when she gets a reply in consequence.

 

Maybe it just depends on the type of women you talk to versus the ones your friends talk to?

 

 

She's one to two women I have dated that have felt the need to "clarify" after tossing out a kinky statement. But, I imagine that they had started that kind of flirting with guys in the past and their date got handsy. I never initiate it as it really isn't my style and I do feel like a person is toeing a fine line as there are women who don't appreciate it. I'll respond to some sexual innuendo but I pull it back the way I did above. I have chatted with several women who have wanted to jump into sexting and I avoid that completely.

 

 

 

You'd be surprised at the "type" of women that enjoy this kind of back and forth though. One friend was chatting with a 30-something kindergarten teacher and their conversations via the OLD app looked like something out of "50 Shades of Grey". I met a woman once who stated she was a "Conservative Catholic" on her profile page several times and she sent me two topless pics the day we exchanged phone numbers (completely unsolicited, I will add..). It freaked me out and I stopped talking to her.

 

 

 

I suppose it's the nature of technological space these days. There's a sense of anonymity via the OLD apps and I get the feeling that people are more likely to participate in kinky talk because of it. I have learned to expect some behavior that I find odd when using OLD apps as it has become a bit of a circus.

[Purrrfect]

Stop with the endless texting. Isnt the point of online dating to meet or are you just wasting each other’s time?

 

Meet within a week of matching. The more you text the more likely you are not to meet.

[fromheart]

I don't use online dating, probably never will. Its too divorced from reality.

 

The one time I tried it, women were coming out with all sorts of weird, creepy stuff that I would hope they wouldn't do in real life.

[caveman621]

Are you comfortable with the exchange and enjoying it? Continue.

 

Are you uncomfortable with it and/or not enjoying it? Block.

 

Different people are looking for different things. If you and the person you are communicating with are not compatible. End it.