What's Wrong with Needy and Clingy?

[shydad]

fantastic answers

Yes, the responses have been very clear, and I totally understand now! Thank you so much to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it. The community here is great! I've experienced some of this, and didn't know it had a name. I had gotten in trouble for focusing on my work while I was at work, speaking with female coworkers, etc. This is not what I'm looking for.

[shydad]

Romantic has to be a bit on the clingy an needy side of the fence. What do you want a cold one or a hot one? Touch and feel or look and see? Spoon to be spoon. Flip the bed around and just look at each other. Cuddle, fondle, snuggle, be playful kiss, pet, put your hands in her hair or she into your hair. What do we all really want. Romance with expression or Romance with a little extra cling?

 

I like that. Romance plus just a little cling (but not too much).

 

Perhaps this can be described as someone who is comfortable with and desires showing love physically. (Not everyone is.) A close embrace can mean so much more than just spoken words.

 

So that, minus getting in trouble for not messaging enough, not coming home fast enough, talking with a woman, spending time with family, etc.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Hi all, I was reading a discussion here yesterday where at least three users implied needy, clingy women are to be avoided. What is wrong with that trait?

 

I suspect that the reason is that there could be an underlying emotional problem, or possibly even a more serious problem.

 

However, when I heard mention of a woman being needy and clingy, the image in my head was of a highly affectionate women, which is a trait I have been searching for. What is the difference? Is there a difference? I would like to find someone who likes to cuddle, hold each other, embrace, etc. As an example, in a woman's profile I once read, "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" I interpreted that as a strong desire for affection, and that sentence really resonated with me.

 

Can someone please straighten me out on this? What am I not understanding?

 

Thank you!

My current bf is amazing, affectionate, responsive w/messaging/calling/communication and loves spending time w/me. He doesn't need me attached to his hip 24/7, we both know we need alone time and when the other person is busy.

 

Now how is super affectionate and clingy different? There is a tremendous difference. The guys I was dating were always kinda cold and uninterested and I thought I wanted a clingy guy, boy I was wrong. The guy I dated before was a total nightmare. At 1st the attention was nice and I was excited to have someone be crazy about me. Later I discovered this attention and neediness wasn't out of love, he acted this way purely to control me. He wanted me to pay attention to him 24/7 and got upset when I needed time to do my errands and just have time to myself. There were accusations of cheating or not caring enough. Every time we hung out, there was an argument about what I said in text or how I wasn't spending enough time w/him (yeah 9 hours every other day, yeah so little). He tried to make me feel like I was losing and amazing guy when in the end I freed myself from a psycho.

 

 

An affectionate person is balanced and enjoys a relationships. A clingy person makes you their entire world, you are their life support. This is super unhealthy. You can find an affectionate woman who isn't crazy and speaking from experience, you do not want a clingy woman.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Trust me, you'll change your mind when you get a woman who calls you every 5 minutes, even when you're trying to work. And then blows up at you for not answering.

 

This drove me up the wall!

[Doost]

I find needy clingy of even psycho to be attractive. Now if this sexy triad works to chase me away maybe it was too much of a good thing.

[brigit87]

I like that. Romance plus just a little cling (but not too much).

 

Perhaps this can be described as someone who is comfortable with and desires showing love physically. (Not everyone is.) A close embrace can mean so much more than just spoken words.

 

So that, minus getting in trouble for not messaging enough, not coming home fast enough, talking with a woman, spending time with family, etc.

 

 

LOL!

 

Your bet bet then is buying one of those new sex robots.

 

If you want a real woman it comes with a real emotions which don't always do what we want them to do.

 

I mean if a woman CONSTANTLY has issues with you not being attentive enough then she's not right for you.

[d0nnivain]

Y I had gotten in trouble for focusing on my work while I was at work, speaking with female coworkers, etc. This is not what I'm looking for.

 

I mean if a woman CONSTANTLY has issues with you not being attentive enough then she's not right for you.

 

Exactly -- the above spell trouble.

 

It's much better to have somebody who cares. Moments of vulnerability are fine; it is what makes us human. But you need someone who understands about balance.

[kendahke]

The difference is one is positive, the other is negative.

 

The woman that piqued your interest, if instead of saying "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" She says to you, "You haven't touched me all day today, I guess I'm not attractive enough for you! You only touch me when we have sex, you are just using me."

 

This is the same with men. If I am slow to text back and he says "hey! I'm so happy to hear from you, I missed you!" That's great. If he says "it is rude to not text back for this long, if you don't want to see me anymore, just say so!"

 

Look around and you find a lot of negativity. Note the frequent use of "not, never, no, none."

 

^^^This. All. Day. Long.^^^

[MissBee]

Hi all, I was reading a discussion here yesterday where at least three users implied needy, clingy women are to be avoided. What is wrong with that trait?

 

I suspect that the reason is that there could be an underlying emotional problem, or possibly even a more serious problem.

 

However, when I heard mention of a woman being needy and clingy, the image in my head was of a highly affectionate women, which is a trait I have been searching for. What is the difference? Is there a difference? I would like to find someone who likes to cuddle, hold each other, embrace, etc. As an example, in a woman's profile I once read, "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" I interpreted that as a strong desire for affection, and that sentence really resonated with me.

 

Can someone please straighten me out on this? What am I not understanding?

 

Thank you!

 

Being highly affectionate and being needy and clingy aren't the same.

 

You're right neediness and clinginess usually comes from emotional issues, attachment issues and it's a maladaptive anxiety-fueled issue that feels draining to the receiver. Trust me. It's suffocating, it can feel emotionally manipulative and it's just not fun if you're with someone who seems to have nothing to do besides cling to you. It can also get volatile...people who end up stalking, hurting, even killing their significant others are often needy and/or controlling. It's a dysfunctional trait. Of course it's on a spectrum from mild to extremely dangerous but regardless it's never a good quality.

 

Being affectionate is a normal and balanced quality. For me, my top two tied love languages are quality time and physical touch. I love affection and feel love when my partner spends time with me. However, I'm neither clingy nor needy in that I'm still a balanced and independent person who also enjoys alone time or time with friends and I can check in with my partner and miss them without being obsessive, clinging, suffocating them and preventing them from living their life. You obviously haven't dealt with a needy person....trust me...it's not good. It literally feels like an energy vampire is sucking you dry. Affection makes me feel loved, secure and rejuvenated. Clinginess makes me feel annoyed, smothered, angry and makes me want to run away from the person.

Edited July 17, 2018 by MissBee

[OatsAndHall]

The terms "needy" or clingy" are pretty subjective, in my mind. People have varying degrees of wants and needs out of a relationship and I would only view a behavior as "clingy and needy" if it becomes unhealthy and negative.

 

 

 

Two examples:

 

 

I'm pretty introverted, need my alone time and I am a creature of habit with it; most week nights are scared for me. I get home, drool in front of the TV or play video games unless something has been previously planned. I dated an extroverted woman who struggled with this initially. In fact, she took it fairly personally until she was in a bad place from a long day once and I put the XBox controller down and went over to her place with dinner and flowers. After that, it was never an issue. If she wanted a date night in the middle of the week, we planned a head of time. If she had a rough day at work, I dropped what I was doing and spent time with her.

 

 

 

Now for the not so pleasant story. I was dating a woman who was incredibly insecure and clingy. She could never accept the fact that I needed that time away from society in order to stay sane and would blow up my phone on weeknights. And, this was after chatting all day long, either via email or text, had a Wednesday date night planned each week and spent the majority of the weekend together. Things got out of hand when she texted me one night and said "Do you realize that you only respond to texts every 25-27 minutes?? It's like clockwork, what are you doing that's so important??" My reply: "Apparently, it takes me 25-27 minutes to get through a game of college football on my XBox.." Good Lord, she was furious and I called it off shortly after that.

[brigit87]

Things got out of hand when she texted me one night and said "Do you realize that you only respond to texts every 25-27 minutes?? It's like clockwork, what are you doing that's so important??" My reply: "Apparently, it takes me 25-27 minutes to get through a game of college football on my XBox.." Good Lord, she was furious and I called it off shortly after that.

 

 

Without knowing her side of the story she sounds like she's being unfair. That's the thing with the whole neediness clingy thing. Sometimes ppl are just mismatched. My husband acts needy at times; I act needy at times. Sometimes I'm an emotional mess sometimes he is. IDK.

[kendahke]

Without knowing her side of the story she sounds like she's being unfair. That's the thing with the whole neediness clingy thing. Sometimes ppl are just mismatched. My husband acts needy at times; I act needy at times. Sometimes I'm an emotional mess sometimes he is. IDK.

 

But I'll bet you're both able to self-soothe and you don't force the other to own or alleviate whatever it is that's triggered you.

 

Clingy/needy people are basically emotionally immature and they do not develop the ability to self-soothe. They expect for the other person to manage their feelings instead of them doing it themselves--or at least trying. That becomes tedious and tiresome after a while to have to be responsible for how someone interprets what they do or don't do that's not meeting an unexpressed/unrealistic expectation.

[OatsAndHall]

Without knowing her side of the story she sounds like she's being unfair. That's the thing with the whole neediness clingy thing. Sometimes ppl are just mismatched. My husband acts needy at times; I act needy at times. Sometimes I'm an emotional mess sometimes he is. IDK.

 

 

It came down to two things with her:

 

 

1. She was quite a bit younger than me and was used to having massive, involved text message conversations. I'm a Gen Xer and I really don't like texting. This had actually been an issue in our relationship before hand as she ALWAYS had her phone out, texting, messing around on social media, etc..etc.. So, it pulled her out of her comfort zone when she met someone who could disliked that type of communication.

 

 

 

2. She was a bit insecure (hence counting down the minutes until I texted her..) and my introverted nature bothered her. But, in her defense, many women don't take well to my need for alone time. As I pointed out in my both examples, I do my best to come to a compromise with it but there are still issues at times. She got upset on more than a few occasions when she hit me up on a week night and wanted to meet up for dinner and I declined. Hence the established date night during the week..

[shydad]

If you don't mind my asking, OatsAndHall, how did you meet her?

[dispatch3d]

The terms "needy" or clingy" are pretty subjective, in my mind. People have varying degrees of wants and needs out of a relationship and I would only view a behavior as "clingy and needy" if it becomes unhealthy and negative.

 

 

 

Two examples:

 

 

I'm pretty introverted, need my alone time and I am a creature of habit with it; most week nights are scared for me. I get home, drool in front of the TV or play video games unless something has been previously planned. I dated an extroverted woman who struggled with this initially. In fact, she took it fairly personally until she was in a bad place from a long day once and I put the XBox controller down and went over to her place with dinner and flowers. After that, it was never an issue. If she wanted a date night in the middle of the week, we planned a head of time. If she had a rough day at work, I dropped what I was doing and spent time with her.

 

 

 

Now for the not so pleasant story. I was dating a woman who was incredibly insecure and clingy. She could never accept the fact that I needed that time away from society in order to stay sane and would blow up my phone on weeknights. And, this was after chatting all day long, either via email or text, had a Wednesday date night planned each week and spent the majority of the weekend together. Things got out of hand when she texted me one night and said "Do you realize that you only respond to texts every 25-27 minutes?? It's like clockwork, what are you doing that's so important??" My reply: "Apparently, it takes me 25-27 minutes to get through a game of college football on my XBox.." Good Lord, she was furious and I called it off shortly after that.

 

You've lost me on the texting. I'm sometimes not by my phone but there are lots of times I am next to it and if I am I immediately respond to the texts. I wouldn't make them wait for me to finish my xbox game to get a response. Always taking 30 minutes is very weird, I agree with her.

[brigit87]

It came down to two things with her:

 

 

1. She was quite a bit younger than me and was used to having massive, involved text message conversations. I'm a Gen Xer and I really don't like texting. This had actually been an issue in our relationship before hand as she ALWAYS had her phone out, texting, messing around on social media, etc..etc.. So, it pulled her out of her comfort zone when she met someone who could disliked that type of communication.

 

 

 

2. She was a bit insecure (hence counting down the minutes until I texted her..) and my introverted nature bothered her. But, in her defense, many women don't take well to my need for alone time. As I pointed out in my both examples, I do my best to come to a compromise with it but there are still issues at times. She got upset on more than a few occasions when she hit me up on a week night and wanted to meet up for dinner and I declined. Hence the established date night during the week..

 

I freaking hate texting too. Waiting for text bubbles gets me irritated. Then I feel compelled to check the phone to see if my question was answered. It sort of encourages OCD. I'm GenX too and prefer ppl to just call.

 

So maybe this girl was OK but just too young for a long term relationship with you.

[shydad]

So, I'm in a mode of self discovery, and have a bit of a guilty confession to make. Here it comes: I am pretty certain I am a needy, clingy person.

 

I do strongly desire to give and receive that constant attention. I know how to set boundaries on myself, though. So apparently this is what I'm searching for in a woman.

[d0nnivain]

If you want needy & clingy they are easy to find. I still don't think you want that. I think you want a woman who easily & readily showers you with affection, is demonstrative & attentive (to a point I would find smothering).

 

Be afraid of people who are too insecure to be alone. Find that gem who feeds your soul but has a good sense of self.

 

Tomorrow my husband will leave for a 5 day pleasure trip; I'm going to be awfully "needy" tonight but tomorrow I will pull on my big girl panties, plaster a smile on my face when I drive him to the airport & sulk quietly alone in my car on the drive back home. Then I will fill my weekend alone with activities so I don't feel his absence so acutely & treasure every text & photo (I sent him with a request for multiple pictures of a certain party since I can't go) until he returns next Tuesday & I get to see him after work.

[brigit87]

 

1. Be afraid of people who are too insecure to be alone. Find that gem who feeds your soul but has a good sense of self.

 

2. I will fill my weekend alone with activities so I don't feel his absence so acutely & treasure every text & photo (I sent him with a request for multiple pictures of a certain party since I can't go) until he returns next Tuesday & I get to see him after work.[/b]

 

d0nnivain: Read statement one and two and think. You don't need to respond.

 

 

OP Humans are pack animals like dogs. Survival is better when one has a mate and is surrounded by family that has their back.

 

Forget all the "culture think" and look at nature to clue you in on how ppl really feel. It will surprise you.

[stillafool]

It's tiresome and childish. It's not the same as being whole and happy and proceeding from that.

 

By a certain age, every adult should know how to self-soothe on their own. Those who were never taught that or were discouraged as children to develop that turn into needy/clingy people who drain your life force.

 

They are what's known as "energy drains"... they aren't happy until they consume all of your energy, but they're still rapacious for more.

 

That is on the other side of the universe from someone who is truly into you, loves giving and receiving affection, but has a firm grip on their imagination, which they do not let run wild with conjured up scenarios to fit a narrative they want to invest in about how you're not living up to their unrealistic expectations because they can't amuse themselves in your absence.

 

This is spot on in my humble opinion. There's a lot of neediness and clinging going on these days and I wonder why.

[stillafool]

So, I'm in a mode of self discovery, and have a bit of a guilty confession to make. Here it comes: I am pretty certain I am a needy, clingy person.

 

I do strongly desire to give and receive that constant attention. I know how to set boundaries on myself, though. So apparently this is what I'm searching for in a woman.

 

You should have no problem finding one as there seems to be an over supply of them.

[kendahke]

I do strongly desire to give and receive that constant attention.

 

Define "constant attention", please.

[shydad]

Define "constant attention", please.

Sure, this is what I'm thinking:

 

1. One lengthy email per day, probably during the first six months (with lots of mushy love talk!).
   
2. At least three texts per day, with one or two rapid fire exchanges mixed in, at least during the first two years.
   
3. Cuddling, embracing, etc...at home, in public, wherever, and ongoing without end!
   

The one woman I met a couple months ago texted me and it was like a drug. Shameful, I know, but I'm being honest. I matched her texting frequency of about two per day, but I really wanted more...much more. I'm able to show restraint, though.

[d0nnivain]

Sure, this is what I'm thinking:

 

1. One lengthy email per day, probably during the first six months (with lots of mushy love talk!).
   
2. At least three texts per day, with one or two rapid fire exchanges mixed in, at least during the first two years.
   
3. Cuddling, embracing, etc...at home, in public, wherever, and ongoing without end!
   

.

 

You looking to date somebody unemployed? Who the bleep has time for that other than college kids?

 

People have jobs & lives & obligations -- you know laundry, grocery shopping, car repairs etc.

[shydad]

You looking to date somebody unemployed? Who the bleep has time for that other than college kids?

 

People have jobs & lives & obligations -- you know laundry, grocery shopping, car repairs etc.

I guess I'm looking for someone like me. I handle all of those things, and am a full time dad of an active child, and still have time to be here and a dating site. Most other single parents have a shared parenting plan, which I hope to have as well. If it happens, that will free even more time. I don't see this as an impossibility.

 

With that said, what I've described is what I want. It doesn't mean that is what will happen, and I'm not going to bombard a person who isn't receptive.

 

So I'm assuming now that I've quantified what I want, we're in agreement that I'm needy?

Edited August 3, 2018 by shydad