Do I need to decide if I can see myself marrying them after a few dates?

[drdre]

Hi everyone!

 

After being in a 2.5 yr relationship with someone I considered marrying, I recently became single again 3 months ago and back in the dating world. There is a good chance I shouldn't be out there dating anyways but for me, it has helped me stay busy.

 

That being said, I want to do things the "right way". This is where you guys come in.

 

One one hand, I have been trying to be upfront with anyone Im dating that I just got out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious right now. I want to be fair and not lead anyone on or waste their time.

 

On the other hand, I do hope to find someone one day and get married, have kids, etc. I fear it may be hard to find that if I tell everyone off the gate I just want to casually date, as they wont take me as "relationship material".

 

So, what I have found myself doing is, after a couple of dates, I've trying to picture whether or not I can see myself marrying the person! Obviously this has ALL kinds of flaws since I barely know them. I feel conflicted between being upfront that I just want to casually date, and let things develop naturally (without that talk) and potentially hurting someone if it turns out I don't want to commit to a more serious relationship/become exclusive with them.

 

What is the "right way" to balance casually dating while looking for "the one"?

 

Thanks!

[CollegeKid101]

Hi everyone!

 

After being in a 2.5 yr relationship with someone I considered marrying, I recently became single again 3 months ago and back in the dating world. There is a good chance I shouldn't be out there dating anyways but for me, it has helped me stay busy.

 

That being said, I want to do things the "right way". This is where you guys come in.

 

One one hand, I have been trying to be upfront with anyone Im dating that I just got out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious right now. I want to be fair and not lead anyone on or waste their time.

 

On the other hand, I do hope to find someone one day and get married, have kids, etc. I fear it may be hard to find that if I tell everyone off the gate I just want to casually date, as they wont take me as "relationship material".

 

So, what I have found myself doing is, after a couple of dates, I've trying to picture whether or not I can see myself marrying the person! Obviously this has ALL kinds of flaws since I barely know them. I feel conflicted between being upfront that I just want to casually date, and let things develop naturally (without that talk) and potentially hurting someone if it turns out I don't want to commit to a more serious relationship/become exclusive with them.

 

What is the "right way" to balance casually dating while looking for "the one"?

 

Thanks!

 

Obviously, it takes time to know if they are someone you would marry. But for me, I see if they check the majority of the "boxes." Does he/she have the same goals as you? Are you attracted to them emotionally (this one takes time to figure out) and physically?

 

I am someone who doesn't like many people. I don't catch feelings unless I have a good connection and they are someone I am genuinely interested in. It may be better to say "I am casually dating at the moment with the hope to find someone I can settle down with in the future." That's the truth and comes off as intelligent.

[basil67]

"I am casually dating at the moment with the hope to find someone I can settle down with in the future." That's the truth and comes off as intelligent.

 

I really like this ^

 

Kudos to you for not wanting to misrepresent yourself towards a guy who's looking for something more serious. The above quote may scare off a guy who's tired of just casually dating, but it sounds like you wouldn't be the right match for him at present anyway.

[coolheadal]

Hi everyone!

 

After being in a 2.5 yr relationship with someone I considered marrying, I recently became single again 3 months ago and back in the dating world. There is a good chance I shouldn't be out there dating anyways but for me, it has helped me stay busy.

 

That being said, I want to do things the "right way". This is where you guys come in.

 

One one hand, I have been trying to be upfront with anyone Im dating that I just got out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious right now. I want to be fair and not lead anyone on or waste their time.

 

On the other hand, I do hope to find someone one day and get married, have kids, etc. I fear it may be hard to find that if I tell everyone off the gate I just want to casually date, as they wont take me as "relationship material".

 

So, what I have found myself doing is, after a couple of dates, I've trying to picture whether or not I can see myself marrying the person! Obviously this has ALL kinds of flaws since I barely know them. I feel conflicted between being upfront that I just want to casually date, and let things develop naturally (without that talk) and potentially hurting someone if it turns out I don't want to commit to a more serious relationship/become exclusive with them.

 

What is the "right way" to balance casually dating while looking for "the one"?

 

Thanks!

 

What happen in the 2.5 yrs someone you were going to marry and 3 months ago ended. Wow so fast your looking again. Solve what happen fist before you start looking serious again. The ghost of that relationship will be always in your mind it takes time to forget and heel. It takes 6 months to 1 year for past love to fade might take longer to heel your scars.

[Lotsgoingon]

Right now, you're agonizing about how to be verbally precise and exact with your dating goals and your emotional state. Chill! If you want, just say looking to meet people, nothing too heavy right now ... That's fine ...

 

You don't need to have a fully articulated policy and long-term strategy ... because frankly, you're not going to follow it anyway. You're going to--as most of us do--follow the energy and the relationship and the person. People change their intentions and feelings all the time ... based on the person in front of us. Meet fabulous person who gets you and makes you feel great ... makes you feel safe and understood ... guess what ... turns out you may be more open to a serious relationship sooner than you thought.

 

And vice versa ... people want a committed relationship ... get out there ... and realize yeah I wanna get married, but you know what: Right now I am enjoying going to the movies, laughing, bowling and dancing with different guys. I'm enjoying this way more than I thought I would.

 

A friend of mine was resuming dating after a divorce ... and he got really tangled and confused ... about when to think of marriage with a woman, what type of woman he really wanted to marry .... yada yada.

 

I will never forget what his therapist told him ... because I learned from her wisdom as well. His therapist said: Your job is to go out on a date with someone ... and then ... decide whether you want a second date. That's it. That's all the thinking that needs to be involved. Do you want to see this person again? Don't talk yourself into seeing them again.

 

If you do, go out on a second date ... After which ... the question is ... "do you want to go on a third date with them?" Again that's it. The therapists' words were so helpful to my friend ...

 

And quit worrying about being "clear" to men. We have our own radar that we can use ... thank you ... Men will figure out for themselves how your energy and behavior and your level of interest ... emotional health ... how all of that fits or doesn't fit with what they're interested in.

Edited July 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[drdre]

Right now, you're agonizing about how to be verbally precise and exact with your dating goals and your emotional state. Chill! If you want, just say looking to meet people, nothing too heavy right now ... That's fine ...

 

You don't need to have a fully articulated policy and long-term strategy ... because frankly, you're not going to follow it anyway. You're going to--as most of us do--follow the energy and the relationship and the person. People change their intentions and feelings all the time ... based on the person in front of us. Meet fabulous person who gets you and makes you feel great ... makes you feel safe and understood ... guess what ... turns out you may be more open to a serious relationship sooner than you thought.

 

And vice versa ... people want a committed relationship ... get out there ... and realize yeah I wanna get married, but you know what: Right now I am enjoying going to the movies, laughing, bowling and dancing with different guys. I'm enjoying this way more than I thought I would.

 

A friend of mine was resuming dating after a divorce ... and he got really tangled and confused ... about when to think of marriage with a woman, what type of woman he really wanted to marry .... yada yada.

 

I will never forget what his therapist told him ... because I learned from her wisdom as well. His therapist said: Your job is to go out on a date with someone ... and then ... decide whether you want a second date. That's it. That's all the thinking that needs to be involved. Do you want to see this person again? Don't talk yourself into seeing them again.

 

If you do, go out on a second date ... After which ... the question is ... "do you want to go on a third date with them?" Again that's it. The therapists' words were so helpful to my friend ...

 

And quit worrying about being "clear" to men. We have our own radar that we can use ... thank you ... Men will figure out for themselves how your energy and behavior and your level of interest ... emotional health ... how all of that fits or doesn't fit with what they're interested in.

Thanks everyone for the replies so far! Although, small clarification, I'm a guy, looking to date women (guess I was pretty gender neutral in my post haha)

 

If you want to know my history on that relationship, the thread is here https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/656816-i-should-ve-listened-you-guys-4-5months-later-update.

 

Long story short, I loved her but never felt comfortable we were compatible enough.

 

The problem I see with the approach of only worrying about the next date is that it's very easy to find yourself dating someone for several months without ever having intentions of being more than casual. Maybe it has been just my experiences or my behavior but often times, they "catch feelings" and now I gotta hurt someone. After reading so many heartbreak stories here, I want to do what I can to be considerate of others feelings.

 

But yeah, I'm not looking to fall in love tomorrow and replace what I had. I don't think I'm ready for that. I want to date and have fun while leaving the door open if someone special comes along, while also avoiding hurting feelings.

 

Thanks,

[Lotsgoingon]

You stay in the moment.

 

If you notice a person is getting more intense than you are comfortable with, you tell them that ... You space out how often you meet them.

 

So what if they "catch feelings"? ... You can't control that ... They may catch "dislike" for you as well ... That's in the mix too ... does that mean you don't give yourself the chance to meet people because some are going to dislike you? ...

 

You can help steer the relationship by being honest ... if you notice them getting mushy, then you say, "Hey, I need to tell you I'm not feeling this serious."

 

Someone wants to go on a next day on a consecutive night. You ask yourself in real time, "do I want to do that?"

 

If no, say no, I don't want to meet again that soon.

 

You have to use your voice regularly ... that's how you steer a relationship. Otherwise, you're just at the mercy of someone else's feelings.

 

Same question if someone kisses you or expresses deep interest ... do I want this deep interest the next time I see them? ... If not, say so ...

 

Clear feedback is so helpful to everyone! ... You may need to speak up more loudly ... you might have a faulty guilt mechanism.

 

You worry about and now I gotta hurt someone. After reading so many heartbreak stories here, I want to do what I can to be considerate of others feelings. You are misunderstanding love and romance if you think the stories here are all about not being considerate. Telling someone to their face that I like you a lot, but I don't want to date you any longer. That IS considerate when it comes to love and romance ... because now they can find someone who genuinely wants to be with them.

 

People experience sadness and disappointment in relationships ... that doesn't mean someone "hurt" them. You're not responsible for their feelings unless you lie, cheat, steal, hit, maim, assault, batter and so on ... Actually the hurt you worried about might be exacerbated because you aren't telling people what you're really feeling all along.

 

You're looking for like some 12-year-old's secret to dating without the possibility of disappointment. Doesn't exist ... You can and will be rejected by someone. It's up to you to handle that and keep going ... That person has the right not to be interested in you in the slightest. Same for you with them.

 

Sounds like you need a voice in real time. Sounds like you're going silent ... and misleading people by hiding what you're feeling if you think they feel more than you do. That's actually what leads to unnecessary hurt.

[d0nnivain]

No you don't have to decide within a few dates if you think you could marry her. It's way tooo soon. You actually need to date for at least a year to figure that out.

 

However, within a few dates you should be able to figure out if it totally would not work. If you get that vibe end it now.

 

I don't think you have to announce that you just got out of a relationship or that marriage is your long term goal. Yes, you can check that box if it's OLD but whoever above said "live in the moment" was right on target. The purpose of the 1st date is solely to see if you want a 2nd date. After a week you can decide if you want another week. After a month you can decide if you want a 2nd month but don't project or plan much farther. For example if you have a date for this Friday you can't even think about possibly spending Labor Day with her. Understand?

Edited July 10, 2018 by d0nnivain

[act00]

I don't really know how to approach this, TBH, but I think "Casual for now, but with hopes of finding long-term" is about the best anyone can do. The thing is, someone who is also not interested in anything more than casual will see you as good potential...and either one of you could catch feelings and this in turn causes the other one to bolt...because someone changed the rules. "I wanted casual and so did you. Now you don't. It's time to end this." This will happen, as I'm sure you're aware. Either you're going to have to cut her loose, or she will have to cut you loose if either of you is just not interested in anything more serious for the foreseeable future.

 

With you only being three months out of a LTR, I think the "casual" route is the best for you. You're not in a position now to leap into another LTR. It seems that some of your anxiety is stemming from the fact you feel like you're completely shutting the door on any potential LTR, if it happens to show up, and I think you need to stop worrying so much about that right now. "Casual but open to more" is about all you can do and hope you meet someone with similar goals.

[drdre]

I don't really know how to approach this, TBH, but I think "Casual for now, but with hopes of finding long-term" is about the best anyone can do. The thing is, someone who is also not interested in anything more than casual will see you as good potential...and either one of you could catch feelings and this in turn causes the other one to bolt...because someone changed the rules. "I wanted casual and so did you. Now you don't. It's time to end this." This will happen, as I'm sure you're aware. Either you're going to have to cut her loose, or she will have to cut you loose if either of you is just not interested in anything more serious for the foreseeable future.

 

With you only being three months out of a LTR, I think the "casual" route is the best for you. You're not in a position now to leap into another LTR. It seems that some of your anxiety is stemming from the fact you feel like you're completely shutting the door on any potential LTR, if it happens to show up, and I think you need to stop worrying so much about that right now. "Casual but open to more" is about all you can do and hope you meet someone with similar goals.

 

Does the advice change if you're dating multiple women at the same time? What if you are sleeping with more than one?

 

I was recently dating 3 women. One of them, we were pretty much clear on being friends with benefits. No issues there. One of them, we talked about not looking for a relationship today but being open to it in the future. We continued to see each other after the talk for a few more weeks (2.5 total time dating) but I decided to end things this week because I felt she wanted more time/effort than I was willing. It didn't feel great but I didn't want to string her along since I believe she was hoping it would turn into a relationship.

 

Then there is the last one. The one I actually enjoy the most. We've been going on our second month. She knows I just got out if a relationship. When I asked her what she was looking for, all she said was "spend more time with you". I took this as a good sign of just letting things develop naturally. In the last 2 weeks though, she has started telling me somewhat often that she likes me. I like her too and I told her that. But not sure I want a full relationship yet. She also made a comment about how she's sad we aren't going to get to see each other for 10 days next week. At that moment is when I decided to come here and ask for advice. I want to have another week and another month with her (as someone put it) but if I do, won't I be letting her feelings grow when I know I don't want a relationship yet? Do I have the responsibility to make sure and remind her I'm not ready for more than we have now? Also, she is friends with a good friend. That's how I met her. Which makes it even more important that she doesnt feel screwed over if/when things end.

 

Again, I just want to do the right thing.

[O'Malley]

If you perceive that someone is behaving and steering your interactions towards exclusivity, that's your cue to step up to the plate and be honest about your feelings, even if it's an awkward conversation. If you're not ready to be exclusive, tell her so and accept her response, in that way you're being both true to yourself and not misleading someone who wants far more than you're ready to give. If you're not that strongly into her after a few months the way that she is into you, then she's not a good fit for what you're currently seeking.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you perceive that someone is behaving and steering your interactions towards exclusivity' date=' that's your cue to step up to the plate and be honest about your feelings, even if it's an awkward conversation. If you're not ready to be exclusive, tell her so and accept her response, in that way you're being both true to yourself and not misleading someone who wants far more than you're ready to give. If you're not that strongly into her after a few months the way that she is into you, then she's not a good fit for what you're currently seeking.[/quote']

 

Bingo on O'Malley's words.

 

It's wonderful that you make a big deal about doing "the right thing." There's just a key part you're missing: the right thing is also about the right thing for you! ... If you don't tell someone they're getting ahead of what you're feeling, it's so easy to be pulled along into deeper relationship than you really want.

 

And it's downright stressful to be around someone who expects more of us than we want to give ... or who feels more for us than we feel. You end up tap-dancing and walking on egg-shells, picking every word and every gesture so carefully ... for fear of communicating the wrong thing.

 

People often interpret silence as agreement. So yes, you want to be clear to this other person. And align your actions with your feelings. If you're not feeling a certain way with this person, don't take her out to an expensive dinner that would suggest you feel more. Your actions also communicate.

[drdre]

This makes sense. Let me ask a slightly different version of the question. If I determine after a few dates I don't see this as long term but I do enjoy hanging out and dating for now, is it ethical to continue dating? Assuming I make it clear that I'm not looking for anything long term?

 

An example would be, they don't want kids ever but I do.

Edited July 11, 2018 by drdre

[Lotsgoingon]

This makes sense. Let me ask a slightly different version of the question. If I determine after a few dates I don't see this as long term but I do enjoy hanging out and dating for now, is it ethical to continue dating? Assuming I make it clear that I'm not looking for anything long term?

 

An example would be, they don't want kids ever but I do.

 

Well ... if you make clear what you are looking for ... you don't need to say "I want a woman who wants to have kids." Just in the normal course of conversation and talking about yourself, you will say/should say at some point, "I want kids one day." Totally implied you want a woman who also wants kids.

 

That's key information to get out there. So if you get that info out there, and the woman does NOT want kids, she'll know that she isn't what you are looking for. You'll see a visible physical reaction on her part, and you probably will get words as well.

 

Now when you say "dating' ... I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean having sex? ... Or do you mean going out to movies, dinners, bars for conversation, etc.?

 

Part of this is mute ... if the other person wants a long-term relationship and they know you want a different kind of long-term relationship (because you say this), they will usually pull away ... and won't be all over you.

 

Now here's a wildcard. You want to sense when someone REALLY likes you ... because if someone REALLY likes you, they will often delude themselves into thinking that any good treatment from you means your previously stated goal is no longer in effect. They might assume you have changed your mind.

 

Say what you want honestly. See how the other person reacts. If they don't like you, they'll disappear. If they match your energy, you keep going. If they show more interest than you are comfortable with, you pause and slow down.

 

Does that help? You might need to be a bit more specific on what is happening that is getting you into awkward situations.

 

Maybe this will help ... sometimes people will say, "Ultimately I want a family and children" ... and they may also say ... "But right now, I'm just looking to casually date." You can do that. But again, if things get intense, you want to notice if the other person has forgotten your long-term goal ... and pull back/disrupt things when you sense they are thinking they are long term when in your mind they aren't.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I was head over heels for my ex w/in the 1st few dates. We were incompatible, but I thought he could be potential marriage material. The 1st couple dates show whether you would want to date that person. Dating them long term will show if you to marry them.

[Highndry]

If you want to put the most pressure possible on both yourself and your dates, then yes, do this.