I should've listened to you guys [4-5months later update]

[drdre]

I totally should've listened to you guys! Since I promised I'd give updates, here I am.

 

For those who want the full story, you can find my last post here

 

Long story short, we broke up a 2.5yr relationship this past December. I always had thoughts since early on about our compatibility. She wanted to just get married and "figure things out as we went along". I have been divorced once and was not on board with that plan.

 

After our break up in December, since we were on good terms and still living together, we started getting along super great which made me feel like maybe it shouldn't be over and I could try harder. That's when I got on here and literally just about everyone told me I should not get back with her. Against better judgment, I didn't listen and went for it anyways. We got back together, it was magical, and I thought things were going to be great. I picked out a ring (didn't buy it yet) and started thinking of how I'd propose. I told her We'd get married in 2018.

 

After a couple of months back together and not proposing yet, she's started pressing on when it was gonna happen (I had planned for her bday in June). After that, things started going back to how they used to be.

 

5 weeks ago after what should've been a small argument, I got upset and said I didn't want to talk anymore and wanted to go to sleep (one of her desires for improvement on my part was better communication when I'm upset). After that she told me I was being my old self and if she knew it was going to be like this that she would have moved out back in December. This did not sit well with me so I told her that, if she felt that way, that there was always tomorrow. We slept in stearate rooms that night and didn't speak all day tomorrow. Next communication is this text:

 

"Hi (drdre). I'm not in love with you anymore and I've leased an apartment in Dallas. I'm moving out May 23rd. I don't want to talk because I've told you everything I felt already back in December. Definitely can't say I didn't try.

 

I was pretty shocked but also didn't try to salvage it. Just told her I agreed and that I tried as much as I could as well.

 

It has been 5 weeks or so (April 13th) since that went down and we have not seen each other or spoken on the phone. Traded a few texts about her potentially saying goodbye to my daughter (which she didn't) and a few logistic texts around who is keeping what.

 

I'm any case, Im hurting some but not as bad as last time. I think trying again made me feel like I did what I could. She's done some things that have hurt my feelings (I.e. Pack everything up but leave behind the box where she kept all of our keepsakes as well as gifts I've given her - I wish she had taken them and thrown them away instead of rubbing it in that she doesnt even want it) but I guess that's part of the process.

 

Updates are tough and I wish I had a happy ending to give but I'm any case, having loveshack up and running again and be able to share my story my friends here still helps. It gets old to wear out your friends and family. I'm still keeping the counseling I got for myself when we got back together and that has helped a little bit too (although I wish we had gone together of nothing else so my counselor could have had both sides of the story).

 

Anyways, I'm trying to heal and keep faith that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason.

 

Thanks for sticking with me everyone!

[drdre]

Today is supposed to be her move out date and movers are coming. I texted her this morning asking her to make sure to leave my house keys, my laptop and erase my garage code. She then informed me that she can't take some things that are in the garage to her storage today and that she needs until June 1st. I'm not OK with that because I just want it to be over.

 

Am I over reacting? As I mentioned, Last night I also noticed she packed everything except any gifts I've given her, as well as the box where she kept our keepsakes. That REALLY upset me. I get not wanting to keep it but why rub it in my face? Why not just take it and throw it away later? I have done nothing but be nice about this break up, I don't get why she's acting like what it feels like purposely trying to hurt my feelings. Am I reading too much into that? Is this just what girls do when they move out? I would never get rid of things she gave me like this.

 

As of right now, I don't know if the movers came or if she took everything like I asked. Of she didn't, what do I do? I don't want to be insane a s just put all her stuff on the curb but I'll also feel super disrespected if she disregards my ask of being done today.

 

Help!

 

Thanks,

Edited May 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SpecialJ]

June 1st is annoying but it is only a week away. If you are really done with her, I think I wouldn't even respond... who cares about being disrespected because she's no longer your concern and it doesn't matter. I'd leave her stuff in the garage for the week, assuming there's space, and just add the box of her keepsakes to her pile so it's clear she needs to be taking that out of your sight as well. If she doesn't take the hint and leaves it there, then it's all packed up for you to just throw out. I'm sorry you're going through this :/

[drdre]

June 1st is annoying but it is only a week away. If you are really done with her, I think I wouldn't even respond... who cares about being disrespected because she's no longer your concern and it doesn't matter. I'd leave her stuff in the garage for the week, assuming there's space, and just add the box of her keepsakes to her pile so it's clear she needs to be taking that out of your sight as well. If she doesn't take the hint and leaves it there, then it's all packed up for you to just throw out. I'm sorry you're going through this :/

 

I responded and said this:

 

Hi xxxx, I've been nothing but accommodating with everything and you taking 5 weeks to move out but I need this to be over today. I can't do it anymore. Please have the movers take your work stuff to your place and just keep it there till you can take it to storage. I can't drag this out any longer. Thanks

 

Im really hoping she takes it to heart, respects my wishes and really takes all her things. If she doesn't, Im not really sure what I'll do but Im trying to not be insane and keep being the person I want to be vs reacting to her actions.

[preraph]

Perfectly reasonable. I don't understand these people who can't get along well enough to stay but think they ought to get to use you for their storage unit. Please.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. The critical error on her part was her unwillingness to sit down and talk about expectations if you did marry or live together because how hard is it to just say "I expect you to do half the housework" and the other person say "No, not into it"? Saves a lot of anguish. "I expect you to bring half the income." "No, not going to happen." Saves a lot of bankruptcy.

 

Anyway, glad you didn't marry and mix money and once she gets her crap out, you'll be free to start over with only emotional pain to worry about. Good luck.

[SevenCity]

I didn’t read the background story, but from what you posted here it sounds like she gave you another chance and feels you failed.

 

Shutting down on a woman in anger can be just as bad as yelling at them.

 

I know because I used to be the same way and still struggle to communicate at times.

 

Work on this as it will increase success of your future relationships.

 

In her mind you’ve hurt her which is why she expects you to accommodate her storage needs. It’s not your problem but I suppose June is just a couple of weeks away. If it goes on past that, I would set a deadline and curb it once it expires.

[drdre]

Today is her birthday. I woke up thinking about it and it's been on my mind a lot this week. On one hand, I know I should leave it alone and try to just forget her. On the other, I think about how hard today will be for her and how maybe, it would mean a lot to her to just get a happy birthday message. Her family and most close friends don't live here. I've also been trying to implement a philosophy in my life of being the person I want to be (kind, honest, stable, etc) and not letting other peoples action (i.e. Someone being a jerk to you) deviate you from being who you want to be.

 

Since we finilized things (she moved her things, she gave all my things back and left a sweet letter for my daughter and one for me along with the box of memories I mentioned here), we've traded a couple of nice messages in which we both mentioned how we are better than being mean exes to each other and wishing one another well.

 

All that said, is it just a terrible idea to say anything? Or is it the right thing?

[fredflint]

Today is her birthday. I woke up thinking about it and it's been on my mind a lot this week. On one hand, I know I should leave it alone and try to just forget her. On the other, I think about how hard today will be for her and how maybe, it would mean a lot to her to just get a happy birthday message. Her family and most close friends don't live here. I've also been trying to implement a philosophy in my life of being the person I want to be (kind, honest, stable, etc) and not letting other peoples action (i.e. Someone being a jerk to you) deviate you from being who you want to be.

 

Since we finilized things (she moved her things, she gave all my things back and left a sweet letter for my daughter and one for me along with the box of memories I mentioned here), we've traded a couple of nice messages in which we both mentioned how we are better than being mean exes to each other and wishing one another well.

 

All that said, is it just a terrible idea to say anything? Or is it the right thing?

 

Best thing you can do is try to forget her. All this additional nice stuff is just residual attachment and doesn't help either of you. You just need to remain, calm civil and get her out of your life, no more no less. That's the goal right? Not to have lingering sweet moments that will haunt you later.

[drdre]

Best thing you can do is try to forget her. All this additional nice stuff is just residual attachment and doesn't help either of you. You just need to remain, calm civil and get her out of your life, no more no less. That's the goal right? Not to have lingering sweet moments that will haunt you later.

 

Gang, you'll be proud. I did not message her. I did unfortunately found out accidentally through a friend that for her bday, she went to Fredericksburg, a wine country in Texas where we had planned to go for her bday and also where I was planning on proposing. It felt weird that she went still but not since it's where she wanted to go. I know she went with at least one gf but not sure if guys were involved. Didn't want to know. Just the thought of her with another guy makes me sick - which means I'm not over it?

 

Anyways, wanted to just post, share and talk. I know it'll get better but this helps too.

[HumanMachine]

Gang, you'll be proud. I did not message her. I did unfortunately found out accidentally through a friend that for her bday, she went to Fredericksburg, a wine country in Texas where we had planned to go for her bday and also where I was planning on proposing. It felt weird that she went still but not since it's where she wanted to go. I know she went with at least one gf but not sure if guys were involved. Didn't want to know. Just the thought of her with another guy makes me sick - which means I'm not over it?

 

Anyways, wanted to just post, share and talk. I know it'll get better but this helps too.

 

Well done for not messaging mate. Now either stop asking, or let your friends no that you do not want to know what she’s up to. Of course you aren’t ove her yet, it’s still early days. Stay strong!

[drdre]

Well done for not messaging mate. Now either stop asking, or let your friends no that you do not want to know what she’s up to. Of course you aren’t ove her yet, it’s still early days. Stay strong!

 

Thanks for replying! Since she has been here since the first day I bought the house, everywhere is a reminder of her - from the furniture to the wall paint, she helped pick it all (I paid for all so I kept it). Even getting the mail every day reminds me of it because she still has stuff that comes here.

 

I did not ask for an update but I need to do a better job on making sure people know I don't want to know. But since I can't really scrub her from my house or life, what tips do you guys have to keep me from thinking of her?

 

I don't have the urge to get back together or anything I just feel sad, lonely and wish it had worked. Just that big void I'm my life. I have my daughter still but even when we are together, the dynamic is different going from the 3 of us back to the 2 of us. Father's day around the corner is gonna be tough too since my ex always made it special. Then my bday coming up soon too.

[preraph]

I'm glad she ended it on an up note, though. So for now probably best to keep your distance and fully detach, but maybe sometime into the future you can be just acquaintances without getting all involved. You know, like acquaintaces where you don't go out alone one on one.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

**** that, just keep moving on and down the same path,

Ain't no reason to keep this woman around in your head to last,

Just detach and forget she exists, she did the same to you,

Remember the good times, move on, and forget the rest too.

[drdre]

Hi guys/gals!

 

It has been 2 months now since we officially broke up and 1 month since she finally moved out and it was "over over". Since then she has texted me a couple of times about some things she forgot behind as I did about some mail but no "how are you doing" type of thing. Just very transacional. Not sure if that counts as breadcrumbs but it was good to not feel angry at each other.

 

I've been doing well and started casually dating multiple people. I know it doesnt fix anything but it has helped me stay busy and move on. I've started being able to go a few days without thinking about her or missing the companionship. I don't have feelings of getting back together or anything but I miss having that person and the dynamic it created.

 

I'm any case, yesterday I saw a friend I hadn't seen since they break up and I ended up going over the whole thing to update him. Last night, I ended up dreaming about her and us and it was so vivid I woke up feeling weird.

 

How crazy that our brains can do that! Has anyone else experience that? I need a NC strategy for dreams now. Haha

 

Anyways, I just wanted to write an update and day hello.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hi guys/gals!

 

It has been 2 months now since we officially broke up and 1 month since she finally moved out and it was "over over". Since then she has texted me a couple of times about some things she forgot behind as I did about some mail but no "how are you doing" type of thing. Just very transacional. Not sure if that counts as breadcrumbs but it was good to not feel angry at each other.

 

I've been doing well and started casually dating multiple people. I know it doesnt fix anything but it has helped me stay busy and move on. I've started being able to go a few days without thinking about her or missing the companionship. I don't have feelings of getting back together or anything but I miss having that person and the dynamic it created.

 

I'm any case, yesterday I saw a friend I hadn't seen since they break up and I ended up going over the whole thing to update him. Last night, I ended up dreaming about her and us and it was so vivid I woke up feeling weird.

 

How crazy that our brains can do that! Has anyone else experience that? I need a NC strategy for dreams now. Haha

 

Anyways, I just wanted to write an update and day hello.

 

Learn what lucid dreaming is, you can control your own mind,

It's quite a trip to travel your subconscious; it's surprising what you may find,

Once you realize you're awake while in your own dream world,

You can change what you want, it's quit fascinating, go give it a whirl!

[Albert Bert]

Hi my friend, I can relate to alot of your story. My girlfriend of over 4 years begged me to get a ring and I did. She doesn't like when I get upset so finally left me here alone beginning of June. I haven't talked much with her about relationship, only logistics. It's very upsetting that she has hardly any furniture and can't get it out faster so I can try to move on and not see her things. She has a huge family that is supporting her. I asked last week "any chance you could be out before June 28th" because someone from out of town was going to hang with me. Of course she can't do that. I ended up telling my buddy that I'm just going to my parents and we'll have to get together Sunday. Too bad, I wanted to enjoy time with him at my apartment that I've been alone at for a month now. She is moving out this Thursday and Friday. I can't stop thinking about those days because they will really mean the end of a long relationship and a good time in my life.

Edited June 27, 2018 by Albert Bert

[drdre]

Yeah man it sucks. I'm about a month past move out date and it's getting better, although there is no way to erase her memory from the house since she's been here since I bought it and even the paint on the wall had her input/decisions. Leading up to actual move out date was pretty stressful and that day was hard and emotional. Try to find a friend of family to be with so you're not alone.

 

Have you had a break up before now?

[drdre]

Hi everyone,

 

Im going into the 5th month post break up and wanted to write an update and ask for feedback. In this time, we've had very little contact with the exception of some mail I got at the house that was hers and her asking for something she had left behind. She sent me a very pleasant text asking for it (some files on the computer she used here) so I helped. The next day after that, I had my counseling session and I talked a bit about how it made me feel. When I saw the name pop up, my heart jumped. I didn't know what to feel. What if it was an "I miss you text"? It would probably felt good for 2 seconds then not. What if it was something ****ty? No real reason for that but who knows. Anyways, it got me nervous. When exploring more what I'm feeling, I feel a mix of sadness and anger and disappointment that it didn't work. I know ALL the reasons why and they are legit ones, but it doesn't keep me from wanting what a had back: a stable relationship with a promise of a family. I think that's what I pine for. Not her specifically but that. I also crave the feeling of excitement I had when I first met her. I had never felt that before her even though I have easily dated 70-100 women (not slept with but gone on dates with). That makes me feel scared that I won't find/feel that again and that she was special because of it. I know this fear may be irrational but I still feel it.

 

In any case, what is a reasonable amount of time to get over a 2.5yrs relationship in which you lived together? If I know she was not compatible for me, why cant I truly let go? Has it just not been enough time yet? Am I missing something? Are there exercises or tips I can practice to help?

 

This week I finally went around the house, round up everything that was hers, out them alnin boxes and put it in the attic. I'm not contacting her for it but it'll be there when she does. There are ton of childhood pictures and things from her deceased mom so I know she'll want it someday. What else can I do? I want to stop thinking about her all the time already and wondering what could have been.

 

Thanks!

[FMW]

To really move on I think you have to fully process all your feelings for her and the relationship. That means that you actually do have to let yourself think about her and feel whatever feelings come up, you can't just block them forever hoping they'll go away.

 

Don't get me wrong, don't obsess, limit your "sessions" of thinking about her by moving on to something that you enjoy that will distract you, but you'll have to continue thinking about her until you reach some resolution within yourself.

 

You realizing that part of what you miss is the stability and promise of a family is great - that means you ARE processing it.

 

Unfortunately you won't be ready and therefore won't be truly open to feeling that spark with someone else until you get some closure on this. So look at it as an assignment, work on it with the goal of acceptance and peace. You don't have to stop loving her, just come to terms with the fact that she's no longer part of your life. And keep the faith that someone better for you really is out there.

 

ETA: While you're thinking of her make sure and remember all the negative and not so happy things, counter your "what could have been" thoughts with the reality of what was.

Edited September 8, 2018 by Finding my way

[TeddyPSmith]

To really move on I think you have to fully process all your feelings for her and the relationship. That means that you actually do have to let yourself think about her and feel whatever feelings come up, you can't just block them forever hoping they'll go away.

 

Don't get me wrong, don't obsess, limit your "sessions" of thinking about her by moving on to something that you enjoy that will distract you, but you'll have to continue thinking about her until you reach some resolution within yourself.

 

You realizing that part of what you miss is the stability and promise of a family is great - that means you ARE processing it.

 

Unfortunately you won't be ready and therefore won't be truly open to feeling that spark with someone else until you get some closure on this. So look at it as an assignment, work on it with the goal of acceptance and peace. You don't have to stop loving her, just come to terms with the fact that she's no longer part of your life. And keep the faith that someone better for you really is out there.

 

ETA: While you're thinking of her make sure and remember all the negative and not so happy things, counter your "what could have been" thoughts with the reality of what was.

 

This is great advice. I love seeing this rather than "distract yourself". I cant think of any better way to guarantee some future disorder or substance abuse than "distract yourself".

 

Too often we are told that we need to just suck it up and move on. I think this is why we overeat, abuse substances, are addicted to everything under the sun, and generally just avoid our inner demons. Sitting with the pain is the only way to move through the hurt and completely heal. I wish this was more common advice.

[preraph]

Your relationship was rocky and tempestuous, exciting but also not stable. Something about that excited you. You're in counseling, so that should eventually provide some insight.

 

Love shouldn't be a struggle. Something wasn't right, so it didn't work out.

 

It was bad of her to saddle you with your gifts to her. If I were you I wouldn't put them in the attic. I'd sell anything worth money on ebay and get rid of the rest, maybe keeping just one special momento. But that's me.

 

Just because you dated a lot of women and never felt this type of momentum doesn't mean you won't again. Thing is, this didn't work, so don't go looking for the exact same thing. Just stay open to getting to know someone. You see like a nice guy and you've dated a lot, so you'll date some more and one of these days you'll find someone you love that it's easier with. Until then, keep us updated and you're not alone,

[drdre]

Your relationship was rocky and tempestuous, exciting but also not stable. Something about that excited you. You're in counseling, so that should eventually provide some insight.

 

Love shouldn't be a struggle. Something wasn't right, so it didn't work out.

 

It was bad of her to saddle you with your gifts to her. If I were you I wouldn't put them in the attic. I'd sell anything worth money on ebay and get rid of the rest, maybe keeping just one special momento. But that's me.

 

Just because you dated a lot of women and never felt this type of momentum doesn't mean you won't again. Thing is, this didn't work, so don't go looking for the exact same thing. Just stay open to getting to know someone. You see like a nice guy and you've dated a lot, so you'll date some more and one of these days you'll find someone you love that it's easier with. Until then, keep us updated and you're not alone,

 

Thank you so much for replying and for the kind words. You make a good point in that it was exciting and unstable at the same time. Since it didn't work, it makes sense I should look for something slightly different. Otherwise, it would be the definition of insanity; doing the same thing and expecting different results. I do want to feel excited again but the rest I will try to take it as it comes.

 

When I think about her, I'll try to remember the negatives too and picture reality, not just be romantic about it.

 

As for her stuff, if I'm looking in the mirror and being honest with myself (and you guys), keeping it in the attic, given the nature of what it is, almost 100% ensures she contacts me again. It's her entire childhood stuff, of course she'll want that. I should probably find a friend to give to huh? Maybe not to go drop it off right as it may trigger her but for when the time comes when she wants it.

 

Thoughts?

[drdre]

After talking to my counselor, she recommended I reach out to her and tell her to come get her things. Idea being that I needed to cut these last ties as opposed to always waiting and wondering about the day she would reach out for those. Also, if she does reach out some day, it will be because she wants to, not because she has to.

 

So I did. She received the message well, and we exchanged some nice words:

 

---

 

ME:

Hi xxx, I went through the house last week and gathered your things that I think would be valuable to you, including your childhood pictures and your mom's things. I want to make sure you get them back. Although I think it was probably the right thing, I'm still struggling with the loss of the relationship and when I see your things, it's painful for me. I would like it you could pick them up on Thursday while I'm at church? If that doesn't work, let me know a better time.

 

HER:

Hey. Thank you. I totally get that. This is really hard, and sad.

 

Yes. I can come by Thursday night.

 

I have been keeping a list of some things I think I left there, if you don't mind adding them to the pile that would be great if you can find them.

 

 

I really don't have much of yours besides socks and your knit caps. I'll bring the caps.

 

I think and dream about you and [my daughter] a lot but still think this is the right thing for us, as hard as it is. You'll always be in my heart and I have amazing memories of our time.

 

ME:

[comment on the list]

 

This has indeed been really hard, and very sad. Waaay harder for me than my actual divorce. You have thought us so much and brought so many amazing things into our lives. Even little things like ordering food by saying “May I please” and “It’ll be great”, that will stay with us forever. [my daughter] and I talk about you often. I can definitely say Im a better person and parent because of you and I wanted you to know that. You will always be in my heart too and I’ll always cherish our time and the memories we made.

 

HER:

That means a lot. Thank you for telling me all that. One day I really hope we can sit down and open our hearts and I think that will help. I know that the way things ended and the silence was extra hard. It is nice to hear you think I added good things to your life, that was always my goal.

 

If you think they will be fine on your porch on Thurs night that will work.

 

---

I think this is about as close to "closure" as I'll get. It was nice to hear some nice things, say some nice things and part ways with no hard feelings. Knowing she still thinks about us and will cherish us validates the relationship was meaningful to her as well and it makes me feel better. For good or bad, she was the most meaningful relationship I've had in my life (more so than my ex-wife since I only married her bc she was pregnant and I never loved her). She definitely impacted me and will always be special to me.

 

I know deep down that one day I will look back at this and understand why it didn't work. I still believe one day Ill find someone who is right/better for me. I still get these random pits in my stomach when I accidentally see her name or a picture on my phone, when I run into something around the house that reminds me of her or have a conversation that reminds me of her (for instance, I dont think I can go to Kansas City for a while bc all it reminds me is her) but those are starting to be less frequent. Im trying to embrace the feelings as you guys suggested.

 

Tonight I feel a little anxious as I go through the house one last time trying to find everything. Im sure tomorrow will be an emotional day but I hope I can truly start healing a little better after it. I've been really trying to stop looking on the rear view mirror but it's easy to relapse. In fact, Im trying to stop thinking of love/relationships/romantic future all together. I've put a considerable amount of energy into dating and relationships over the last few years and am starting to think that maybe it's time to let "Jesus take the wheel" instead of trying so hard to make something happen.

 

Anyways, Im sure Ill be back here tomorrow night! Any words of support or feedback are appreciated!

[Gretchen12]

I don't know the whole history. From only the info given in this thread, I don't understand why you are not together. But that's because I don't know about the bad things that happened before, I'm sure.

We tend to believe relationships should just last while we're in it, and we believe once broken up it is forever. That's the life and death model. Sometimes I think we should be more vigilant in a relationship, nothing is permanent in life. As for break ups, it depends on the reason. Unless there was a huge betrayal and abuse, I see no reason to be so fatalistic.

People change. They grow apart, they can also become more compatible in old age. It is possible to get back together after 20 years. Why not? Only death is permanent. In the meantime you have to live your life. You each have your own paths to take. You don't know where the paths take you.

[ThreeRainbows]

I believe in fixing relationships, rather than moving on, whenever possible. It sounds to me like she wanted you to propose, and that was causing her to be insecure, and lose trust in you and in the relationship. The sad thing is, you were getting ready to propose! Timing wasn't quite right here.

 

 

I mean, you could try to get back with her if you wanted, and you might be able to, but she would also need to work on being less insecure. This is something I am working on right now as well, as I just got back with my ex (who was somewhat commitment phobic in the past as well). You seem like a sweet guy.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you!