After D-Day. NC over. But a question.

[whatcomesnext]

Adotta, yes to everything you wrote. It is brutal to dig into these issues, and even more brutal in the space between knowing in your rational mind that these issues are driving the car but struggling to connect what the rational mind knows with what the heart and subconscious so desperately desire. I’ve been out of mine for a year and still struggle to heal and understand what happened to me - even though I’m well aware objectively that I have a plethora of past traumas that leave me vulnerable. I also want to add that it’s not always about sex. My MM and I never had sex, so it’s anybody’s guess what he wanted from me. Whether it was something real that got out of hand and scared him or if he entered my life intentionally for ego strokes. Wanting sex I can understand better in a way. Regardless the damage is just as real and I can only continue trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

[Adotta]

Whatcomesnext

 

Married men are not all uniform. Yes some of them are just like most women here and are searching for emotional ego kibbles and are less interested in the normal sex "god" ego kibbles.

 

That really doesn't make them any less of a user though. Just a slightly different "drug" that affects a slightly different part of their brain.

 

In a way even married men are chasing validation. The validation that they are crazy romantic Casanova playboys and crazy good in bed. Validation that they are better than their ap's spouse. A part of them is damaged as well. Normal healthy minded people don't use others for validation.

 

And it's not like even in a situation where a married man is only after sex that the using is ONLY 100 percent coming from him. The ow/MOW is guilty of using him as well for emotional kibbles, but the one who chases emotional ego kibbles will almost always inevitably be taken advantage of by the one simply chasing "sex god" (wish I had a better term for that...) ego kibbles because the one wrapped up in emotional ego kibbles is wound up in validation from that person and usually only that person, while those married men chasing sex kibbles (is that better?) know that just about any willing attractive woman will do as a kibble supply. Sex is sex right?

Edited July 12, 2018 by Adotta

[whatcomesnext]

Yes, that makes sense Adotta. It’s all very messed up and sad. Unfortunately I didn’t have any self- or life-awareness at the time to be prepared for what it was. The feelings seemed to develop both gradually and quickly, and blindsided me with their intensity. The right thing would have been not to engage to begin with, but I didn’t even think anything of it. I thought I was secure in my life and here was a friend from our social group with common interests that wanted to chat. Then between the sheer amount of time we spent texting daily and the sometimes flirtatious undertone (him telling me not to cheat on him by talking to other people, for example), the lines start to blur. Before long I felt I loved this person. At that point I no longer felt in control, the idea of leaving him behind (which would have been the sound and right thing to do) was like death. Then one day there’s a lingering/suggestive yet ambiguous touch. All goes unspoken. For me it was him and only him as you describe. For him I don’t know what it was, since even though he didn’t seek sex I was surely the one taken advantage of. He one day just stopped, left the relationship without real explanation or acknowledgement. I tried to speak to him about it once only, he knew how much I cared, but for him it was erase and reset. Now he barely speaks to me and pretty much ignores me when he sees me. It was cruel really. Anyway, never again will I be so naive. I was ill-prepared for my own weaknesses.

[BourneWicked]

 

Sadly enough their are millions of crappy men out there willing and able to fill that mental crack for you. Your AP really isn't special. Just the right place and right time and a few of the right words and your own subconscious filled in the rest with half truths and dreams made of gossamer.

 

great comments here. I did want to pull this out though - I think the first bit is 50/50. For many of us here, it was someone we knew for a long time, had a crush on for a long time, and could not have been one of a thousand other men who tried and failed to make a move on us. As a woman, I'm pretty sure I dodge various attempts at fishing on a daily basis. The hook that finally got me wasn't from a better fisherman, it was just from one I liked above all the rest. One I should have known better to avoid.

 

So sometimes it's just convenience and wanting to feel pretty, low self -esteem, etc. But generally (not true for all), women, having to go through 9 months of pregnancy and do 18 years time for one night's bad decision, are a lot pickier. And I think that's part of what really gets women when it comes to these things/why we're all sitting here mourning something that didn't work out - men (again, generally) would say yes to any moderately attractive female that's interested. So we think the feelings mutual, and we're that special to him, the way he is to us. But really, we're just the first (or only, or most recent) one to say yes.

 

 

Once you understand the root causes of these needs your AP will start losing his appeal very quickly.

 

This bit... very much so. Understanding what I need in a relationship, why I want it, (and ultimately, that a MM can only dangle it elusively out of reach and never really give it to me) has made all the difference in being able to slowly, painfully move on.

[grass-hopper]

Grasshoper

 

You understand that what I am saying is probably pretty close to the truth, but your need for validation and the excitement overpowers that logic. Your need for whatever adrenaline hits and dopamine rushes the relationship offers is in control.

 

Find out the reason you crave those feeling so badly and attack the problem at the source. Your desire to be desired in such an out of control way that you even damage yourself when logically you know better comes from somewhere. Find out were when why.

 

If you do that you will be equipped to handle this much better.

 

I had to dig into my FOO issues, feelings of inadequacy, and some other darker things to understand why even when I knew my ap was pure poison, I still desired validation and dopamine hits from her.

 

Digging into those issues and my own weaknesses has branched out and influenced other parts of my life in wondrous ways.

 

I truly think you shouldn't look at this as fighting your desire for your AP. You should look at this like your fighting the underlying need for this type of relationship and what little it offers. In the condition you are (imho) in it wasn't that this guy was special. He just fit into the crack in your ego and subconsciousness like a puzzle piece..... or a splinter.

 

Sadly enough their are millions of crappy men out there willing and able to fill that mental crack for you. Your AP really isn't special. Just the right place and right time and a few of the right words and your own subconscious filled in the rest with half truths and dreams made of gossamer.

 

Once you understand the root causes of these needs your AP will start losing his appeal very quickly.

 

Adotta.

 

Thank you for your words. They are honest, clear, brutal and unapologetic. I see the reality in them. And they are frightening because they make so much sense. And I spend a lot of time trying to make sense and excuses out of MM actions. But your words are truthful. I am no one to him. No one that deserves respect. No one that deserves honesty. Why would I? I am a MOW who is having an A with a MM. as far as I see it I deserve to be treated and thought of as nothing but an easy ***. But it’s difficult because i let my emotions get involved and i put trust into his words. And it’s painful to know someone used my trust for their own interest. And it’s painful to know they’ll be discarded like trash.

 

You are right I do seek validation. That is something I’ve learned in IC. Where it comes from, I don’t know. Maybe a bad father/daughter relationship. Maybe some unresolved child sexual abuse issues. Identifying them isn’t the hard part, how to get over them is. How did you dig into your needs for validation? How did you overcome?

[DKT3]

great comments here. I did want to pull this out though - I think the first bit is 50/50. For many of us here, it was someone we knew for a long time, had a crush on for a long time, and could not have been one of a thousand other men who tried and failed to make a move on us. As a woman, I'm pretty sure I dodge various attempts at fishing on a daily basis. The hook that finally got me wasn't from a better fisherman, it was just from one I liked above all the rest. One I should have known better to avoid.

 

So sometimes it's just convenience and wanting to feel pretty, low self -esteem, etc. But generally (not true for all), women, having to go through 9 months of pregnancy and do 18 years time for one night's bad decision, are a lot pickier. And I think that's part of what really gets women when it comes to these things/why we're all sitting here mourning something that didn't work out - men (again, generally) would say yes to any moderately attractive female that's interested. So we think the feelings mutual, and we're that special to him, the way he is to us. But really, we're just the first (or only, or most recent) one to say yes.

 

 

 

This bit... very much so. Understanding what I need in a relationship, why I want it, (and ultimately, that a MM can only dangle it elusively out of reach and never really give it to me) has made all the difference in being able to slowly, painfully move on.

 

I believe this is extremely accurate, men in general fish with alot of pole. MM jump at smaller nibbles. Rarely is MW/OW special, merely the first or sometimes the next to wiggle one of his poles.

 

The ideal woman is one who has as much to lose as him should it get out. Thus the emphasis on emotionally hooking with the love bombing and once in a lifetime connection stuff. Short sighted since people in affairs rarely think of end games.

[Adotta]

"You are right I do seek validation. That is something I’ve learned in IC. Where it comes from, I don’t know. Maybe a bad father/daughter relationship. Maybe some unresolved child sexual abuse issues. Identifying them isn’t the hard part, how to get over them is. How did you dig into your needs for validation? How did you overcome?"

 

Grasshopper I don't think it was any one thing that pushed me over the edge from knowing my problems and doing nothing to fix them to knowing and attacking my problems at the source.

 

At one point I remember being very pissed at myself for so easily being manipulated by my past and feeling very jeuvinile and pathetic. I felt very little control and I hated that feeling.

 

I also thought about myself and my issues and decided that inaction had to eventually mean I LIKED what I was doing and what I was being. If I sat around and complained about how bad I was internally but never fixed my issues and stopped my own destructive behavior, I was just masturbating myself mentally.

 

Pride was a huge part of it for me. I wanted to have pride in myself for once. I hadn't felt REAL pride in a good while until recently.