Author HardChoice Posted July 21, 2018 Author Share Posted July 21, 2018 She moved - and we already had our first crisis as I can't visit her this weekend as I am writing on my thesis. She is angry, says 'My needs come first before everything else. I suppose I am not the type for a long distance relationship...' 'I can't live with somebody who works as a consultant, I want you close to me everyday'. I feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 First off, her needs to not come before yours. You are doing something you need to do, its not like you are off at a party. Her extraordinary selfishness does not bode well for a future with her. Yes indeed, drama is her middle name. Is it really how you want to live your life from now on. To make a successful relationship, both of you have to give a little. She is giving nothing, only taking. LDRs are nearly impossible when both people get along well, in your case it probably is impossible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted July 21, 2018 Author Share Posted July 21, 2018 First off, her needs to not come before yours. You are doing something you need to do, its not like you are off at a party. Her extraordinary selfishness does not bode well for a future with her. Yes indeed, drama is her middle name. Is it really how you want to live your life from now on. To make a successful relationship, both of you have to give a little. She is giving nothing, only taking. LDRs are nearly impossible when both people get along well, in your case it probably is impossible. Well, my best male buddy also celebrated his birthday today - I was there for 4 hours, not drinking, nothing. Well, you can imagine her reaction. It just can't in my mind - she is an engineer and really smart but her mental crazyiness are sucking the life out of me and she does not get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 She doesnt get it, but maybe you dont get it either. She is not someone to form a future with. Link to post Share on other sites
TheJessieSix Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 You’ve complained a lot about her... you decided not to move, and LDR isn’t going well... so why haven’t you ended it yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 She has FOO issues. I'd let that be someone else's problem 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted July 30, 2018 Author Share Posted July 30, 2018 Thanks a lot for your posts. We broke up. I feel miserable but this will go away. Yes, she was smart and she was pretty but her insecurities were too much. I have to admit, I am guy who gets along with a lot of different people and I have a quite strong personality. I have always been a happy, outgoing guy - anyway the lasts month were hard due to the internship and university in combination with running out of money but I did it. It feels so unreal - she was my fifth girlfriend but I have never felt so devastated. There are a lot of emotions going on: aggression, sadness & depression. I am feeling emotionally dead it feels like dying as a part of me has died. I supposed I sticked way too long in here atmosphere. I was at my parents place yesterday but this break up feels heavier than all 4 break ups multiplied by 100000 together. Never ever again. I will teach that my kids. I want to become the guy I have been before - outgoing, easy going with girls and pure positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 A good relationship lifts you up, not drags you down. Onward and upward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted July 31, 2018 Author Share Posted July 31, 2018 Thank you all guys. I would reply to each of you but your words are so motivating. Never experienced something like that - no breakup EVER felt like loosing myself. I can't described it in words - everything seems so unreal like a split up in the dimension, a real world. Something what happened but what should not have happened. I was always a lucky guy but somehow in this regard, I was not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 8, 2018 Author Share Posted August 8, 2018 Well, a small update. She is on vaccation with her new boyfriend, writing below their picture "My life". Well, as far as I rember I heard the same sentence also several times "You are my life and everything to me". Huu, feels strange. It's somehow weird - I can't temper myself from checking her IG although I know that it kicks me back. It's like a car crash - you don't want to watch but you do anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 Wow she moves FAST. You broke up what a few weeks ago & she's already going on vacation with a new BF. Dude, you dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 8, 2018 Author Share Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) Wow she moves FAST. You broke up what a few weeks ago & she's already going on vacation with a new BF. Dude, you dodged a bullet. Donnivain, Thanks a lot of the reply. I appreacte it a LOT - as well as the posting from the other people. This breakup feels absolutely different THAN all the breakups I did went through. I feel some kind of responsibility - that's total irrational. We formed something toxic what I rarely can distant myself from. All my thoughts, my mind is always about her - I try not to think about it but it just comes to my mind. My family tells me that I should be glad that she is gone. My friends tell me the same and my mind too but somehow I can't get rid of it. It's like a cold, you can move, you can work but there is still something knocking you out. But what really pains me is the fact that we never had much money to go on vaccation, travling, no shopping trips, buying something we don't need - everything was calculate and we lived with a minimum. And now we have cash but she is gone. The most important aspect is somehow that I believe "ohh, maybe she changed to a better" and now everything will be fine for her - I know that people don't change within weeks but somehow to know that another guy might get happy with her, kills me. Edited August 8, 2018 by HardChoice Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 A little update: I feel that I am suffering from somekind of depression. I do my job but once I am home, I am feeling totally shiftless. I don't want to go out with friends and just want to be alone. It feels like this breakup is sucking the life out of me. I would love return to be the funny, open, easy-going guy I once was but I feel so guilty although I know it was the best and going with her would have troubled my life much more. I am reading BPD breakup stories and that's how exactly it feels like. I have a list with all the negative aspects, sometimes it helps, sometimes it does not. I would not wish my greatest enemy to go through what I am going now. Funny Fact: The new guy she met was just a couple of weeks in her city and thus they have a "long-distance" relationship now. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 Funny Fact: The new guy she met was just a couple of weeks in her city and thus they have a "long-distance" relationship now. A word of caution: she may try to get you back now. Don't! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 A word of caution: she may try to get you back now. Don't! Thanks a lot. I suppose I will talk to a psychologist. My emotional state is really volatile. I don't want to go the gym, I don't want to go out...I feel so empty. I mean, I already hat some breakups but NONE of them feels like that. It's like a break up on steroids. Funny fact: One year ago I was talking to a friend and saying "Oh, I think people with depressions / anxiety and any kind of dirsorder are self-made. It's so simple to be happy - just be happy. I think a lot of stuff is persuade oneself". And now I am in myself. Boom, boomerang. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 You would be wise to block everything about her. Only you can keep yourself in this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 I am reading BPD breakup stories and that's how exactly it feels like.Leaving a BPDer loved one usually is extremely painful, HC. The primary reason is that it feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship. A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually BELIEVES the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. And when she is claiming the exact opposite a week later, she likely believes that nonsense too. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning. A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Unfortunately, our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved. A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 You would be wise to block everything about her. Only you can keep yourself in this. Thanks a lot. The main question is...why is it knocking me down so heavily ? Was it because she was toxic ? Maybe I did mistakes ? Anyway, another story. I was invited to a party from some co-workers, going into the city, drinking a bit and then going to a club. During the night she was freaking out and wanted to have my location and a picture of me to "proof that no other girl is next to me". The next week after I was out, she decided to a club with to girlfriends. She wanted to pre-drink at her place and then going to a club. She:"Could you go to your place on this day ?" Me:"Why ? I mean we are living since one year together" She:"I want to go clubbing and you have been also out without me!" Me:"Yes, you can go out with your girls. But could I not stay in the flat ?" She:"No, we are going to predrink there". Me:"Yes but I can participate for the predrinking and then you can go clubbing with them without me." She:"No it's a girls evening" Me:"That's hard. I give you ten minutes to think about it and to decide." 10 Minutes later. She:"I want to you to go to your appartment for this evening and you have been out without me too!" Me:"That's hard, but okay." I felt so smashed. I never met ANY of her friends during this year, NOBODY. I mean I understand that she wants to have a girls evening and I am totally fine with that - but kicking me out of the appartment...? Your opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 Leaving a BPDer loved one usually is extremely painful, HC. The primary reason is that it feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship. A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually BELIEVES the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. And when she is claiming the exact opposite a week later, she likely believes that nonsense too. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning. A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Unfortunately, our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved. A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate. This is it. I have to admit at the beginning, I was a bit suspicious about her behaviour - I mean, moving in quickly together had a big benefit for both of us. So it was not due to my feeling but more for the benefit for both of us. I slowly started to fell in love after a couple of months - I quite believe that I would if she dropped me after three months it would not have been a big deal. "Leaving a BPDer loved one usually is extremely painful, HC. The primary reason is that it feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship" That's it. I liked to cheer her up, seeing her happy. When I cam home after a long day, she was literally jumping on me like a dog happy to see his owner. And Yes, I liked that. If she was a borderline (I still don't know) then she was a quite borderline. The love was so intensely - I met a girl last week but in comparison to her, she seems like a rock. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 And guys - Thanks a lot for your postings. It improves my mood dramastically. :-) I mean, I already talked with my family and friends but it seems that they don't understand me. My mum & dad tell me "Oh, god boy, you look nice go out and life your life! Have fun, get an affair, like life. Do whatever you wanna do". But somehow it seems that they don't get me. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 She was raised in a violent household and moved out when she was 15 -- Her emotional/mental growth stopped at 15. She is an adult now but still operating at that maturity level. You are essentially in a parent-child relationship. Do not move away for her. She needs to stand on her own two feet and learn how to be a strong, secure woman before she can be a suitable partner for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted August 25, 2018 Author Share Posted August 25, 2018 She was raised in a violent household and moved out when she was 15 -- Her emotional/mental growth stopped at 15. She is an adult now but still operating at that maturity level. You are essentially in a parent-child relationship. Do not move away for her. She needs to stand on her own two feet and learn how to be a strong, secure woman before she can be a suitable partner for anyone. Thanks for your post. This is it. Even if I think that she stayed here the relationship would look like: - Coming home, taking care for her, entertain her. - On Weekends: Being next to her, entertain her, relax. She also never understood the princip of "me-time" as she never needed any "me-time". I suppose it's because once she has nothing to do, she start thinking about herself - something she wants to avoid at all costs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 Funny fact: One year ago I was talking to a friend and saying "Oh, I think people with depressions / anxiety and any kind of dirsorder are self-made. It's so simple to be happy - just be happy. I think a lot of stuff is persuade oneself". And now I am in myself. Boom, boomerang. You don't persuade yourself to be happy, you push yourself to do the things that lead to happiness. Big difference. You exercise, eat right, lean on family and friends, pursue hobbies and interests, etc. One foot goes in front of the other, pretty soon you've covered some distance... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardChoice Posted September 1, 2018 Author Share Posted September 1, 2018 You don't persuade yourself to be happy, you push yourself to do the things that lead to happiness. Big difference. You exercise, eat right, lean on family and friends, pursue hobbies and interests, etc. One foot goes in front of the other, pretty soon you've covered some distance... Mr. Lucky Thanks a lot. But somehow I am feeling energyless. I dont want to go out, I dont want go to the gym. Everything seems dark. I have always been a happy and really optimistic but somehow...everything is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Moondaisy Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 Any update on how you’re feeling? I’m truly curious. Link to post Share on other sites
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