tomoyo Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Not sure if I'm supposed to start a new thread or revive the old one, but this seemed easier since it's a different issue? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/658751-have-i-ruined-my-chances So things with that guy did not implode and I did not ruin my chances afterall! We have been out three times since, and things only got physical again on the most recent date (Although LOTS of flirting on all three dates), even then he was very respectful and could have pushed for more but didn't (Unicorn? I don't know many guys that intentionally pace things on that front, definitely made me feel like he is looking for more than just sex). And again I'm totally crazy about him, He's polite, takes an interest in my life, has his **** together, funny, smart, and not a drinker/partier. Nothing like the guys I normally seem to attract, which haven't really treated me all that great. Now how do I stop myself from constantly wondering "whats the catch?" My first relationship the guy cheated on my for 5 years (Thought it was only 3 times over the relationship, found out after it was the whole damn time) and couldn't be bothered to put in any effort, and the guy after that didn't really give a crap and pretty much used me for sex and let me pay for everything then dumped me because I was too shy around his friends and he wanted a "life of the party girl". I'm trying not to let the negative experiences affect this, but it's hard not to be pessimistic. On top of that I'm worried that maybe we are moving too fast/ seeing eachother too much and it's going to cause him to get bored and move on. Our timeline has been: Friday: Coffee/Walk/Icecream/ mini golf Monday: Dinner out then movie at his place Friday: billiards hall Sunday: Brunch/walk in the park Wednesday: boating at the local lake, and then pizza and movie at his house (clothes off making out, he didn't pressure me to move forward unless I was comfortable) This feels like a lot of time together in two weeks, and I'm worried he is going to get tired of me and hit the road. I haven't asked him on any of these, so I'm assuming he is enjoying the time if he keeps asking, and texts me regularly in between. Maybe i'm just overthinking it because my two exes never really made much effort to see me? I'm also worried that since we met on bumble how many other girls is he doing this with? I don't want to risk getting too attached and find out he just wants casual flings with girls on there. I'm not really seeing anyone else anymore, cut that off after date two because 1 I don't have the time between friends and life and seeing him, and 2 I am not really interested in anyone else and prefer to focus on one person at a time. I know there is a block party with foodtrucks and music downtown on saturday. I have plans in the evening but thought it might be something fun for us to do together during the afternoon, plus a he has asked for all 5 dates thus far and I don't want him to think I'm not interested or unwilling to put in effort as well. But is asking him for saturday too much when we just went out on wednesday and twice last weekend? Again I don't want to scare him off with seeing him too much, or cause him to loose interest if I start "chasing him" and asking him out. Should I ask? Or should I maybe just go with a friend and give him some time away to "miss me"? I guess in short: 1) Are we moving too fast and seeing eachother too much? Or is this a normal pace and I'm just not used to it? I don't want one of those hot at the start but burns out quickly flings. I am 28 and looking for something long term. 2) How do I stop worrying what the "catch" is and get out of my head? 3) At what point do I worry about other women/what he wants out of this? I don't want to bring up exclusivity/intentions so early and scare him off. 4) Should I ask him out saturday, or give some space and let him keep coming to me?
smackie9 Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 (edited) All depends who you are...me if I really like the guy, I would say no it's not too much. Follow your gut. What is it tell you? If it's too much cut out the week day dates. Come up with an excuse you are hanging out with a gf or taking your mom out for dinner. And all that. Oh and if you are worried about "scaring him off....not a good sign on you or him. If he scares off, that means he never had any intentions of being serious in the first place....so it's not you scaring him off. It wasn't going to happen anyways. A guy KNOWS his intentions. Edited June 29, 2018 by smackie9 1
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 If you feel the pace is too fast it's too fast but from what you posted it doesn't seem over the top. It's not 24/7 daily. You seem insecure. You constantly thinking "what's the catch" & is he going to get bored of me is problematic. Just enjoy. Stop fretting. 3
MaleIntuition Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 I told you last time: Relax, you are doing fine. And I’ll repeat that: Chill, try to not think so much. It seems that he likes you are moving forward; “If it ain’t broken; don’t try to fix it”. 1
Author tomoyo Posted July 17, 2018 Author Posted July 17, 2018 Okay so update (I don't want to start a new thread again for the same guy) it's been another few weeks and we've gone out a couple more times now. The last week we didn't see eachother as much, I had a friend in town until thursday and then left friday night for the weekend. We went out last thursday before I left (Local fair, so we we spend the evening going on rides and seeing some shows) I didn't go back to his place but he was very physical all night, held my hand, arms around me in ride lines, grabbing my butt, kissing me often ect. So clearly he was not concerned about being obviously with me in a very public event (the whole city goes). Over the weekend he kept contact, same as usual, loooooong gaps between texts, but very long paragraphs when he did text me. (this has been the standard from the start, we are both busy and both very wordy. I have always appreciated a longer wait for a more meaningful response over a quick and empty reply). He was very flirty all weekend, and I'm expecting him to ask to see me soon (He is off work this week building a garage, so I understand and respect he is busy). Here is the current problem: He is still actively online dating, I know this because my friend matched with him on bumble this weekend. I was a little hurt at this, because I haven't seen anyone else since our third date, and we have been out 8 times now over the last month (First date was june 15th). Is it too soon to expect him to not be seeing other women? We haven't discussed that at all, but if he was happy with where this was going, wouldn't he have stopped actively pursuing others at this point? Or is it still to soon to not be keeping your options open? I've never dated someone that has been seeing others this far into things, but both of my previous relationships got very serious very quickly so maybe this is the norm? We have been very intimate, but have not had intercourse yet. I know we are moving in that direction, but I don't want to have sex with someone if they are sleeping around/seeing others. I don't know how to say this withouth coming off as pressuring him into a relationship. I am fine to keep stay at the physical level we are at , so it's not like I'm withholding everything, and I my reason for not wanting to take that step isn't to try and move the relationship or "play games", it really more out of self preservation (To me, oral sex is just not as intimate, but I know if I sleep with him I am going to get even more attached and get hurt if it doesn't work out). Should I be freaked out by him still being online? Does that just mean he's not interested in anything serious with me? 8 dates seems like a lot to not want to just see that person, but maybe I just am used to moving faster? I don't want to date other people, I don't enjoy multi-dating and prefer to focus on one at a time. If I tell him I don't want to have sex unless it's monogamous is he going to think I'm playing games/pressuring him?
Gaeta Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 You went out 8 times but I noticed you never went out on a Saturday evening? Yes after 8 dates if the man I am seeing was still active online I'd be concerned. I would definitely address it with him. If he bails then what? It simply means his heart wasn't into it and you deserve better. Men know pretty fast if they want to date you exclusively I'd say within a couple of dates. I am the one that brought up exclusivity to my BF after 5 dates and here we are 2,5 years later. He was happy to tell me 'of course' we just date each other. If you address this with your guy and you feel a hint of hesitation on his part then stop dating him. No, wanting to have monogamy before sex isn't putting pressure on anyone. This guy should want exclusivity as much as you do. If he doesn't then good bye. Here is a quote I like: “Men automatically know from the moment she opens her mouth, that if they want her, they’ll have to get in line with her standards and requirements, or keep it moving because she’s done with the games and isn’t interested in playing.” – Steve Harvey .
coolheadal Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 Okay so update (I don't want to start a new thread again for the same guy) it's been another few weeks and we've gone out a couple more times now. The last week we didn't see eachother as much, I had a friend in town until thursday and then left friday night for the weekend. We went out last thursday before I left (Local fair, so we we spend the evening going on rides and seeing some shows) I didn't go back to his place but he was very physical all night, held my hand, arms around me in ride lines, grabbing my butt, kissing me often ect. So clearly he was not concerned about being obviously with me in a very public event (the whole city goes). Over the weekend he kept contact, same as usual, loooooong gaps between texts, but very long paragraphs when he did text me. (this has been the standard from the start, we are both busy and both very wordy. I have always appreciated a longer wait for a more meaningful response over a quick and empty reply). He was very flirty all weekend, and I'm expecting him to ask to see me soon (He is off work this week building a garage, so I understand and respect he is busy). Here is the current problem: He is still actively online dating, I know this because my friend matched with him on bumble this weekend. I was a little hurt at this, because I haven't seen anyone else since our third date, and we have been out 8 times now over the last month (First date was june 15th). Is it too soon to expect him to not be seeing other women? We haven't discussed that at all, but if he was happy with where this was going, wouldn't he have stopped actively pursuing others at this point? Or is it still to soon to not be keeping your options open? I've never dated someone that has been seeing others this far into things, but both of my previous relationships got very serious very quickly so maybe this is the norm? We have been very intimate, but have not had intercourse yet. I know we are moving in that direction, but I don't want to have sex with someone if they are sleeping around/seeing others. I don't know how to say this withouth coming off as pressuring him into a relationship. I am fine to keep stay at the physical level we are at , so it's not like I'm withholding everything, and I my reason for not wanting to take that step isn't to try and move the relationship or "play games", it really more out of self preservation (To me, oral sex is just not as intimate, but I know if I sleep with him I am going to get even more attached and get hurt if it doesn't work out). Should I be freaked out by him still being online? Does that just mean he's not interested in anything serious with me? 8 dates seems like a lot to not want to just see that person, but maybe I just am used to moving faster? I don't want to date other people, I don't enjoy multi-dating and prefer to focus on one at a time. If I tell him I don't want to have sex unless it's monogamous is he going to think I'm playing games/pressuring him? Are you two committed? Doesn't sound like you are? He wants more than you if he's still online and dating. He doesn't seem the type to be in one on one relationship. If he was you wouldn't be here asking us questions. Well you said it right there you're not into multi-dating but he is.. So now it's up to you to drop and run, or stick around with him..
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 Have your friend ask him out....if he accepts then boom out the door he goes.
MaleIntuition Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 Okay so update (I don't want to start a new thread again for the same guy) it's been another few weeks and we've gone out a couple more times now. The last week we didn't see eachother as much, I had a friend in town until thursday and then left friday night for the weekend. We went out last thursday before I left (Local fair, so we we spend the evening going on rides and seeing some shows) I didn't go back to his place but he was very physical all night, held my hand, arms around me in ride lines, grabbing my butt, kissing me often ect. So clearly he was not concerned about being obviously with me in a very public event (the whole city goes). Over the weekend he kept contact, same as usual, loooooong gaps between texts, but very long paragraphs when he did text me. (this has been the standard from the start, we are both busy and both very wordy. I have always appreciated a longer wait for a more meaningful response over a quick and empty reply). He was very flirty all weekend, and I'm expecting him to ask to see me soon (He is off work this week building a garage, so I understand and respect he is busy). Here is the current problem: He is still actively online dating, I know this because my friend matched with him on bumble this weekend. I was a little hurt at this, because I haven't seen anyone else since our third date, and we have been out 8 times now over the last month (First date was june 15th). Is it too soon to expect him to not be seeing other women? We haven't discussed that at all, but if he was happy with where this was going, wouldn't he have stopped actively pursuing others at this point? Or is it still to soon to not be keeping your options open? I've never dated someone that has been seeing others this far into things, but both of my previous relationships got very serious very quickly so maybe this is the norm? We have been very intimate, but have not had intercourse yet. I know we are moving in that direction, but I don't want to have sex with someone if they are sleeping around/seeing others. I don't know how to say this withouth coming off as pressuring him into a relationship. I am fine to keep stay at the physical level we are at , so it's not like I'm withholding everything, and I my reason for not wanting to take that step isn't to try and move the relationship or "play games", it really more out of self preservation (To me, oral sex is just not as intimate, but I know if I sleep with him I am going to get even more attached and get hurt if it doesn't work out). Should I be freaked out by him still being online? Does that just mean he's not interested in anything serious with me? 8 dates seems like a lot to not want to just see that person, but maybe I just am used to moving faster? I don't want to date other people, I don't enjoy multi-dating and prefer to focus on one at a time. If I tell him I don't want to have sex unless it's monogamous is he going to think I'm playing games/pressuring him? Freaking out is not a very good strategy; so don’t do that. However, sounds like it’s time for the exclusivity talk then. You’ve already told us the reason and argument: You don’t have sex without exclusivety and, you would like to have sex with him therefore you would like exclusivity. Yeah. You might scare him away. Perhaps. But then it probably wasn’t because you brought up exclusivity but because he wasn’t interested enough to begin with.
MaleIntuition Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 Have your friend ask him out....if he accepts then boom out the door he goes. That’s a bit unfair if they haven’t established exclusivity though?
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 It will answer her question. She's wasting her time.
Author tomoyo Posted July 17, 2018 Author Posted July 17, 2018 (edited) Freaking out is not a very good strategy; so don’t do that. However, sounds like it’s time for the exclusivity talk then. You’ve already told us the reason and argument: You don’t have sex without exclusivety and, you would like to have sex with him therefore you would like exclusivity. Yeah. You might scare him away. Perhaps. But then it probably wasn’t because you brought up exclusivity but because he wasn’t interested enough to begin with. You don't think it's too soon? He would only be scared off by lack of interest, not by feeling pressured? Like if there was a chance that he would be interested in that with more time, then I would just de-prioritize him for now and start swiping again, while keeping that on the back burner and see if he initiated the talk later on, or if I found someone that I wanted more. Obviously not having sex with him as I do it. I like him and I don't think he is just looking to have sex, because of our 8 dates only 3 have ended at his place, and he hasn't tried to push for anything past oral. Do men take you on full dates without physical stuff if they just want to ****? Or am I just falling for a play? I don't think my friend asking him out is a fair test, because if I was in a coffee shop right now and an attractive guy asked me out, I would accept, because we haven't had that talk yet. My bumble account is technically still active, to the best of his knowledge I could also be swiping (i'm not, but he doesn't know that) I should specify my willingness to accept other dates would be based on keeping my options open because I don't know what he's doing, not because I'm not into him. Edited July 17, 2018 by tomoyo
MaleIntuition Posted July 17, 2018 Posted July 17, 2018 You don't think it's too soon? He would only be scared off by lack of interest, not by feeling pressured? Like if there was a chance that he would be interested in that with more time, then I would just de-prioritize him for now and start swiping again, while keeping that on the back burner and see if he initiated the talk later on, or if I found someone that I wanted more. Obviously not having sex with him as I do it. I like him and I don't think he is just looking to have sex, because of our 8 dates only 3 have ended at his place, and he hasn't tried to push for anything past oral. Do men take you on full dates without physical stuff if they just want to ****? Or am I just falling for a play? I don't think my friend asking him out is a fair test, because if I was in a coffee shop right now and an attractive guy asked me out, I would accept, because we haven't had that talk yet. My bumble account is technically still active, to the best of his knowledge I could also be swiping (i'm not, but he doesn't know that) I should specify my willingness to accept other dates would be based on keeping my options open because I don't know what he's doing, not because I'm not into him. I don’t think there is a “normal” timeframe for exclusivity and for some it happens more naturally than it does for others. There is indeed a risk that the talk will push him away, but the dilemma you’ll have otherwise is how to bring the relationship “forward” so to speak. As a guy, I would definitely start to “worry” if we weren’t regularly sleeping together after 8 dates. Don’t think to much about why he is still swiping on bumble it could mean: 1. He is looking for someone else to date because he isn’t interested enough in you. 2. He is interested in you but he have learnt that multidating is a good strategy to help with “neediness”. 3. He is uncertain about your feelings and are therefore protecting his own feelings by reminding himself about other possibilities.
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 It's human nature to stop looking around when we meet someone of interest. Look at yourself, since you met him you have no interest going online and browsing other men right? Men are the same when they meet someone interesting and they want to keep getting to know her you won't find them online each day browsing around. You have not answered my question: In 8 dates you have never been out together on a Saturday night?
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 OLD is the elephant in a lot of rooms these days. You have to talk about it. Since you haven't brought it up, he might think that you are up for an exclusive relationship, especially if you haven't slept together AND haven't been out together on a Saturday night. Next time you are together in person, mention that you are off line. Ask him what he wants / expects out of your relationship. Only after you learn that should you divulge what you want. As much as I normally respect Smackie9, don't "test" him using your friend & Bumble. Even if passes your test, in his shoes I'd dump you for playing such a game rather than just discussing this issue. 1
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Next time you are together in person, mention that you are off line. Ask him what he wants / expects out of your relationship. Only after you learn that should you divulge what you want.. Shouldn't it be done the other way, like you express what you're looking for on a neutral tone then ask him if it's in tune with what he's looking for. When I addressed exclusivity with bf that's how I did it. I did not want to interrogate him on his intentions, I expressed I was looking for someone to date exclusively and if it matched what he was looking for online. Asking him first without expressing your expectations comes across a little bit as a trick question, no?
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 She lays her cards on the table first by divulging that she's off line. It has to be a give & take with some finesse. He needs to feel like she's open not pressuring him for a commitment When I have started these discussions I'm always a bit reserved. I think with DH, around the 1 month mark I told him I liked him & that I wasn't dating anybody else. I asked him where he was but said that I was OK with keeping things somewhat casual for now, if that is what he wanted, but that meant no sex.
Author tomoyo Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 You have not answered my question: In 8 dates you have never been out together on a Saturday night? No, but that is more my doing than his because he has asked me twice but I've had plans already. Summertime is festival season here, I have most of my weekends planned well in advance with friends for these events and I do not change plans with the girls for a man that I don't know where I stand. Our dates have been: 1 Friday Evening 2 Monday Evening 3 Friday Evening *He asked for the saturday but I had plans. 4 Sunday Daytime 5 Wednesday Evening 6 Saturday daytime-early evening (he asked to extend to the evening but I had plans) 7 Wednesday Evening *One week off because I had company in from out of town 8 Thursday Evening (He had suggested friday or saturday but I was going out of town) Date 9 will be friday, but he gave me the choice of friday or saturday. Also probably worth noting that he has paid for basically every date minus the icecream that I got before he noticed, and the ride tickets that I bought in advance of the evening to avoid having to fight for the bill. I have also been picked up 6/8 dates.
Author tomoyo Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 She lays her cards on the table first by divulging that she's off line. It has to be a give & take with some finesse. He needs to feel like she's open not pressuring him for a commitment When I have started these discussions I'm always a bit reserved. I think with DH, around the 1 month mark I told him I liked him & that I wasn't dating anybody else. I asked him where he was but said that I was OK with keeping things somewhat casual for now, if that is what he wanted, but that meant no sex. I don't want to be laying all my cards out right away, I've been burned before on that. i don't want him to be under the impression that my options are not also open if I want them (seeing as he is still swiping and his options clearly are). My plan to bring it up is to wait until friday evening before things get intimate (I am pretty sure he thinks that will be happening on friday given it's been over a month now) and just tell him that while I'm enjoying myself with him, I do not feel comfortable having sex with someone if it is not exclusive, and that we will not be crossing that line that night if he is not ready for that conversation. If he's not ready to discuss that yet then fine, but we will not be having sex either. I'm fine to wait a little longer for exclusivity, I really like him and this is one of the first men i've dated that has kept taking me on actual dates for this long, usually by now it's a "come over and hang out" without much more effort BS. So if he's not ready to commit but ask still wants to continue dating me while he decides then fine. I know everyone gets there on their own timeline, but I'm not going to let him have his cake and eat it too while he decides, and I think that is fair at this point. i'll start looking at others again and if it hits two months and nothing then I'll bail.
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 I don't want to be laying all my cards out right away, I've been burned before on that. i don't want him to be under the impression that my options are not also open if I want them (seeing as he is still swiping and his options clearly are). My plan to bring it up is to wait until friday evening before things get intimate (I am pretty sure he thinks that will be happening on friday given it's been over a month now) and just tell him that while I'm enjoying myself with him, I do not feel comfortable having sex with someone if it is not exclusive, and that we will not be crossing that line that night if he is not ready for that conversation. If he's not ready to discuss that yet then fine, but we will not be having sex either. I'm fine to wait a little longer for exclusivity, I really like him and this is one of the first men i've dated that has kept taking me on actual dates for this long, usually by now it's a "come over and hang out" without much more effort BS. So if he's not ready to commit but ask still wants to continue dating me while he decides then fine. I know everyone gets there on their own timeline, but I'm not going to let him have his cake and eat it too while he decides, and I think that is fair at this point. i'll start looking at others again and if it hits two months and nothing then I'll bail. This sounds like a very bad plan. You don't wait to be on the edge of the bed to ask a man for exclusivity before sex, most men would say anything you want to hear to get it on.
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 tomoyo My advise was not to lay out all your cards but to open with the disclosure that you haven't been on line since starting up with him. After you make that disclosure then you ask about his intentions. You do need to talk about expectations & no sex before monogamy but those conversations can't occur in the bedroom. I'm OK with the approach you laid out just wanted to assure that the setting was appropriate. FWIW, I think DH & I had the talk in a car & I was way too old for the back seat . lol Why is it that you pay for all the dates? That seems unbalanced. I would say the same thing if he paid for all 8 dates.
Author tomoyo Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 (edited) tomoyo My advise was not to lay out all your cards but to open with the disclosure that you haven't been on line since starting up with him. After you make that disclosure then you ask about his intentions. You do need to talk about expectations & no sex before monogamy but those conversations can't occur in the bedroom. I'm OK with the approach you laid out just wanted to assure that the setting was appropriate. FWIW, I think DH & I had the talk in a car & I was way too old for the back seat . lol Why is it that you pay for all the dates? That seems unbalanced. I would say the same thing if he paid for all 8 dates. The kitchen in his home would work? Our plans on friday are to go paddle boating at the lake near his home, and then to his house and cook dinner together (we both enjoy cooking). I wasn't going to bring it up in the bedroom, but maybe in the kitchen or living room before we go near the bedroom. You also don't think that it is too soon to have this conversation? If I didn't think sex was on the table then I would leave it a little longer to not be too pushy, the only reason I feel pressed to bring it up is because I know things are headed toward being intimate, which I am definitely ready for but not without that talk. I'm not experienced in having these conversations, I've only had to bring this talk up once before, and that person just lied to me and kept seeing others so it clearly didn't go well. My 5 year relationship prior to that my ex brought it up after like 3 dates so I didn't have to worry about it. No he has paid for the dates, not me. I have eagerly tried to pay each time but he always insists, and I'm not going to argue it to the point of causing frustration to the waiter/teller. Edited July 18, 2018 by tomoyo
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 The kitchen in his house is the wrong place. Once you get there, he thinks sex is a foregone conclusion. Discuss it on the way back from paddleboarding, Make sure you have a safe exit. If he paid & you offered that is a more balanced. 1
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 The kitchen in his house is the wrong place. Once you get there, he thinks sex is a foregone conclusion. Discuss it on the way back from paddleboarding, Make sure you have a safe exit. If he paid & you offered that is a more balanced. I second this, you do not have this conversation in his house but during your outdoor activity. I addressed exclusivity with bf during a phone conversation. It was right after our 4th or 5th date and I thought if he's not compatible with my dating style then we can say our good byes and no one needs to drive back home. We spoke about it again on our next date.
GoreSP Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Well the only two people who should be concerned with how fast the relation is going is you and your partner. My boyfriend and I have moved incredibly fast. Like light-year fast but we talked about it and both made sure we are both comfortable with that pace.
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