Have I ruined my chances?

[tomoyo]

I've been talking to this guy online for about 3 weeks, we finally went out on Friday night, coffee turned into a walk, which turned into ice cream, which turned into sitting by the river and talking, which turned into minigolf (We were out for like 5 hours!). He bet me dinner at mini golf and then lost intentionally, we drove back to where we met for coffee (we had only taken one car) and talked for a while longer, and had a (Great!) kiss/light brief makeout. He tried to get me to come over but I said no because I had chores at home I had put off. He kept in contact all weekend, sending me long texts and keeping a very good conversation going and made plans right away to see me for dinner.

 

Last night we went for dinner, he picked me up, we went and had dinner, talked and laughed the whole time, just as much chemistry as the first date. Then he asked me to come over for a movie, and this time I agreed. We drove out to his place, he gave me a tour of his house, showed me a bunch of his photography and talked about travel. Then we picked a out a movie...... and this is where I let things get out of control. Obviously we didn't end up watching the movie, make out turned into back massaged, turned into clothes all off touching, which let to oral sex. We didn't have "p in the v" but its all basically the same thing.

 

I REALLY like this guy, in person we have great chemistry and I thought both dates even before physical stuff happened were great. He's a great conversationalist and SUPER polite (Opens car doors, pulls out he seat, ect). I'm worried now that I have ruined my chances with him by getting THAT physical that fast. I am NOT normally like that, I have only been with two men in my life, and I have normally believed in a 10 date rule before you get physical. Now I'm terrified I have ruined everything with this guy and that he is going to assume I'm an easy slut, when that's not the case, I just got caught up in the moment, hadn't been with anyone for a while, and was super attracted to him so I just let it happen. Do you think I killed my chances here? How can I change his opinion of me? Or is it just too late? (I'm 28, he's 34 for reference)

[MaleIntuition]

The advice to wait with sex for an arbitrary numbers of dates are based on the wrong assumption that guys only want sex and girls therefore somehow need to trick the guy into a relationship first; which is a really weird viewpoint. When two consenting adults are ready- they are ready. Screw what society says.

 

Yes some players are only after sex - if that was the case with this guys he was only after sex is the first place, so nothing to ruin anyway.

[smackie9]

Ok one of two things are going to happen...he got what he wanted, or he really likes you too!

 

 

I agree with the above poster. Judging on how he wanted to get you in the sack on the first date, tells me that sex is all he was after anyways, so you didn't ruin your chances. He had no intention of letting this go into a relationship....he just wanted to get laid.

 

 

 

Everyone is different so maybe he really does like you...only the next text will tell.

[Normm]

I disagree with the above 2 posters.

 

 

If you give it up too fast most guys are going to think you are cheap, do it with lots of guys and will not view you as quality relationship material.

 

 

Not always, but often enough that you need to use restraint or you risk losing a good potential relationship partner.

 

 

Clearly that's what happened here.

[tomoyo]

What is a reasonable timeframe to expect to hear from him? It's 11:30 am here and I haven't heard a peep. But I also know he was driving the people he is house sitting for this weeked to the airport for 5:00 am, and has a very busy day job, so I have been trying to not worry about it. I don't want to text him first, as a 34 year old man I'm sure he knows it in his court to reach out to me.

 

He drove me home last night afterwords, walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight. I didn't get the vibe that I wouldn't hear from him again, as he was making jokes about roadtrips and how we would end up having to rock paper scissors for who gets to drive and future movies and plans and such. On our first date he said he hated the "ghosting" phenomenon and would rather I just "act like an adult and be upfront and say I'm not interested than pull that". So I had my hopes up that I would at least hear something. I'm trying to be optimistic, but the fact that I haven't heard a word yet makes me nervous. Mainly because I am not that experienced with men, I've only seriously dated two guys and both of them were very eager to constantly have plans set up and get in contact. Everyone else I've dated I have had to be the one to call things off. I've never been blown off before so I don't really know the warning signs.

 

At what point of hearing nothing should I be worried?

[MaleIntuition]

I disagree with the above 2 posters.

 

 

If you give it up too fast most guys are going to think you are cheap, do it with lots of guys and will not view you as quality relationship material.

 

 

Not always, but often enough that you need to use restraint or you risk losing a good potential relationship partner.

 

 

Clearly that's what happened here.

 

Only hypocritical a-holes and immature players. Those are not good potential partners.

 

Give it up too fast? Give what up? Sex isn’t a freaking price or a competition.

[caveman621]

I don't think you ruined anything! I think he will be in contact again. Then play it by ear. Just because he wanted sex doesn't necessarily mean that's ALL he wants! Keep seeing him and having fun and see what happens! We call it dating!

[coolheadal]

What is a reasonable timeframe to expect to hear from him? It's 11:30 am here and I haven't heard a peep. But I also know he was driving the people he is house sitting for this weeked to the airport for 5:00 am, and has a very busy day job, so I have been trying to not worry about it. I don't want to text him first, as a 34 year old man I'm sure he knows it in his court to reach out to me.

 

He drove me home last night afterwords, walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight. I didn't get the vibe that I wouldn't hear from him again, as he was making jokes about roadtrips and how we would end up having to rock paper scissors for who gets to drive and future movies and plans and such. On our first date he said he hated the "ghosting" phenomenon and would rather I just "act like an adult and be upfront and say I'm not interested than pull that". So I had my hopes up that I would at least hear something. I'm trying to be optimistic, but the fact that I haven't heard a word yet makes me nervous. Mainly because I am not that experienced with men, I've only seriously dated two guys and both of them were very eager to constantly have plans set up and get in contact. Everyone else I've dated I have had to be the one to call things off. I've never been blown off before so I don't really know the warning signs.

 

At what point of hearing nothing should I be worried?

 

It happens too men also just have to wait and see. Since you two never slept over night together kinda make this one odd out come. So you haven't heard a word yet from him. Why not you call him up and see what he's up too. Invite him over for dinner. Why sit there and guess what's going to happen? Just to drive you up the wall. Talk to him and find out what's up in his head. Don't knock him saying he likes to travel, that's what he likes doing. If your not up with that talk then you have a problem with him and traveling.. Play that low for now. You should feel excited with him and his traveling. That's his hobby and you can't take that away from him. You had chores were they so important that you couldn't even spend the extra time to get to know the guy. Chores can wait life can't.

[MaleIntuition]

What is a reasonable timeframe to expect to hear from him? It's 11:30 am here and I haven't heard a peep. But I also know he was driving the people he is house sitting for this weeked to the airport for 5:00 am, and has a very busy day job, so I have been trying to not worry about it. I don't want to text him first, as a 34 year old man I'm sure he knows it in his court to reach out to me.

 

He drove me home last night afterwords, walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight. I didn't get the vibe that I wouldn't hear from him again, as he was making jokes about roadtrips and how we would end up having to rock paper scissors for who gets to drive and future movies and plans and such. On our first date he said he hated the "ghosting" phenomenon and would rather I just "act like an adult and be upfront and say I'm not interested than pull that". So I had my hopes up that I would at least hear something. I'm trying to be optimistic, but the fact that I haven't heard a word yet makes me nervous. Mainly because I am not that experienced with men, I've only seriously dated two guys and both of them were very eager to constantly have plans set up and get in contact. Everyone else I've dated I have had to be the one to call things off. I've never been blown off before so I don't really know the warning signs.

 

At what point of hearing nothing should I be worried?

 

Where is that written? Why must the man do all the chasing?

 

Best scenario you shouldn’t be so invested early on and, therefore not worry at all at this point - but it’s clearly to late for that. If you don’t hear from him in 1-2 days reach out and see what’s up.

[stillafool]

First did you give him oral sex or did he give it to you? Second, please don't bother telling him that "I never do that on a first date" because he won't believe you and in his mind he will roll his eyes. Look, if you wanted oral sex, giving or receiving, you are a grown woman so just own it without apology. That said he may see you again to go all the way but I doubt he will make you his gf.

[Normm]

That said he may see you again to go all the way but I doubt he will make you his gf.

 

 

^^This. If you gave him a BJ on the second date he's probably thinking how many have been there before him, and this girl is not someone he's going to have children with.

 

 

 

Even if it was really and truly the first time you ever did anything like that.

 

 

Also it doesn't matter if HE did it to dozens of women. Even good men (such as myself) are hypocritical A-holes. What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander.

[preraph]

You're worried about looking cheap, but you need to step back and look at what he did. He tried to get you over to his place and into bed on the first date. He isn't even pretending to want to just "be dating" or getting to know you. He wanted sex and he went for it each time. The real question isn't if you lost his respect, but if all he wanted was sex and he's done now.

[smackie9]

If I was on a second date with a woman who was so quick to give me a BJ while at the same time telling me (during a time when her mouth wasn't full) that I was only her second guy I wouldn't believe it for a second.

If I am not mistaken he did oral on her too...it was equal satisfying consensual sex. That is what adults do.

[smackie9]

I had a one night stand fun fling camping weekend that turned into a relationship we were total strangers. We were together for about 4 months and stupidly went back to my ex. We are still friends 38 years later.

[tomoyo]

You're worried about looking cheap, but you need to step back and look at what he did. He tried to get you over to his place and into bed on the first date. He isn't even pretending to want to just "be dating" or getting to know you. He wanted sex and he went for it each time. The real question isn't if you lost his respect, but if all he wanted was sex and he's done now.

 

Thank you Preraph, I hadn't really thought of it that way. If he's going to be the one to push for it and then decide its okay for him to want it but not me, then he's probably more "for a good time call..." than future husband material anyways.

[fredflint]

I've been talking to this guy online for about 3 weeks, we finally went out on Friday night, coffee turned into a walk, which turned into ice cream, which turned into sitting by the river and talking, which turned into minigolf (We were out for like 5 hours!). He bet me dinner at mini golf and then lost intentionally, we drove back to where we met for coffee (we had only taken one car) and talked for a while longer, and had a (Great!) kiss/light brief makeout. He tried to get me to come over but I said no because I had chores at home I had put off. He kept in contact all weekend, sending me long texts and keeping a very good conversation going and made plans right away to see me for dinner.

 

Last night we went for dinner, he picked me up, we went and had dinner, talked and laughed the whole time, just as much chemistry as the first date. Then he asked me to come over for a movie, and this time I agreed. We drove out to his place, he gave me a tour of his house, showed me a bunch of his photography and talked about travel. Then we picked a out a movie...... and this is where I let things get out of control. Obviously we didn't end up watching the movie, make out turned into back massaged, turned into clothes all off touching, which let to oral sex. We didn't have "p in the v" but its all basically the same thing.

 

I REALLY like this guy, in person we have great chemistry and I thought both dates even before physical stuff happened were great. He's a great conversationalist and SUPER polite (Opens car doors, pulls out he seat, ect). I'm worried now that I have ruined my chances with him by getting THAT physical that fast. I am NOT normally like that, I have only been with two men in my life, and I have normally believed in a 10 date rule before you get physical. Now I'm terrified I have ruined everything with this guy and that he is going to assume I'm an easy slut, when that's not the case, I just got caught up in the moment, hadn't been with anyone for a while, and was super attracted to him so I just let it happen. Do you think I killed my chances here? How can I change his opinion of me? Or is it just too late? (I'm 28, he's 34 for reference)

 

All depends on the guy. If a woman doesn't get physical fast with me, it turns me off and I start wishing I had someone who's hotter for me. I like women to be flirty and forward and move very quickly. I think it shows confidence and a high sex drive. Both of which are VERY attractive, esp. for a LTR. (I also think its shows a willingness to be yourself rather than be dependent on social/cultural norms or afraid of what people think of you).

[fredflint]

Judging on how he wanted to get you in the sack on the first date, tells me that sex is all he was after anyways, so you didn't ruin your chances. He had no intention of letting this go into a relationship....he just wanted to get laid.

 

This is such a myth. Guys who want an LTR also want to get laid fast with the same women they view as potential LTR, more often than not IMO

[d0nnivain]

At what point of hearing nothing should I be worried?

 

You are a 34 year old woman who made a decision to engaged in sexual activities. You weren't forced. You weren't coerced. You could have said no. You said yes because it was enjoyable. It's your body. It's your choice. Maybe that's not your norm but even it was, it's still your decision. Own it.

 

He pushed for sexual contact. You two had a mutually enjoyable time.

 

If he doesn't contact you again because he drew erroneous conclusions about your morals, well, that is his loss.

 

If he does contact you again, stay out of each other's houses for a while & avoid horizontal surfaces if you don't want sex. You already know you will end up consummating the relationship if you are alone. If you don't realize that, you are fooling yourself.

 

I'd give it 48 hours before I panicked. Day after tomorrow, I'd send some cheeky message about double or nothin' that he can't beat you at pool, foosball, air hockey or some other game. Offer to meet him somewhere nearby to play one of those games. See what he says. If he does not respond, you know he's a cad who only wanted another notch on his bedpost. If he takes you up on your offer, go & have fun.

[tomoyo]

You are a 34 year old woman who made a decision to engaged in sexual activities. You weren't forced. You weren't coerced. You could have said no. You said yes because it was enjoyable. It's your body. It's your choice. Maybe that's not your norm but even it was, it's still your decision. Own it.

 

He pushed for sexual contact. You two had a mutually enjoyable time.

 

If he doesn't contact you again because he drew erroneous conclusions about your morals, well, that is his loss.

 

If he does contact you again, stay out of each other's houses for a while & avoid horizontal surfaces if you don't want sex. You already know you will end up consummating the relationship if you are alone. If you don't realize that, you are fooling yourself.

 

I'd give it 48 hours before I panicked. Day after tomorrow, I'd send some cheeky message about double or nothin' that he can't beat you at pool, foosball, air hockey or some other game. Offer to meet him somewhere nearby to play one of those games. See what he says. If he does not respond, you know he's a cad who only wanted another notch on his bedpost. If he takes you up on your offer, go & have fun.

 

 

If I haven't heard from him in 48 hours you really think I should initiate contact? Is the lack of contact not my answer right there? I feel like since I have already compromised my morals once with him and given the impression of being "easy" then he would take any attempt at a third date as a booty call. Or that I'm desperate. I have never followed up with or chased a man after the first few dates before, the few times I have not heard from a man after a date I just assumed he wasn't interested, and if he was then I would hear from him. I thanked him at the end of the night after he walked me to my door for nice evening, and he kissed me goodnight, there should be no ambiguity on his end of whether or not I'm interested in seeing him again, so what good will throwing myself at him requesting another date do?

[d0nnivain]

It's entirely up to you.

 

On the one hand if he's not calling that may be your answer.

 

But if you like him & want to see him again, you have the option of taking action. If you reach out from a confident place & enforce your own boundaries, you may end up with a great relationship. By taking some initiative you regain the power you mistakenly think you lost. You are not a bit player in your own life.

 

However, if you haven't sent him what seems to be the obligatory post date text that reiterates that you had a good time, many men second guess themselves & wonder if you are rejecting them. Some guys have posted that they won't reach out if they don't get the follow up text. So there is some ambiguity.

[tomoyo]

Update: He texted me after work to see how my day was! All hope is not lost!

 

Now how can I salvage my mistake last night so that he realizes that I actually haven’t been around the block a million times and takes me seriously? I REALLY like him, he is such a nice guy with his life together and I’ve dated nothing but a string of douchebags before him.

[Only-yours]

Update: Now how can I salvage my mistake last night so that he realizes that I actually haven’t been around the block a million times and takes me seriously?

 

First tell me what do you mean by been around the block a million times?

[Only-yours]

Honestly speaking, advices given by women here are quite ridiculous. The claim that "If a man gets sex on the first date, then he will start thinking that she is a "cheap slut" and leave her after first date and sex" is nothing but ABSOLUTE CRAP. Surely some men do this. But generalizing all men based on the actions of a few is nothing but logical fallacy. Unfortunately, some women can never ever understand this. Such women give wrong advices to other women and they lose trust in men as a result. Personally speaking, If a woman were to have sex with me on the first date, then I would respect her even more and appreciate her. This is because that would show me that she trusts me and chose to be sexually intimate with me. I would never break her trust. I would never break her heart. I would always be with her forever and comfort her. In fact, I would prefer her as my long term partner over other so-called "image-conscious" women. I prefer sexually open and sexualy confident woman as my long-term partner. Yes, men like me do exist who prefer and have even greater respect for women who initiate sexual intimacy on the first date. Unfortunately, some women never understand this. By the way, It is their OWN LOSS.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Only-yours

[MaleIntuition]

Update: He texted me after work to see how my day was! All hope is not lost!

 

Now how can I salvage my mistake last night so that he realizes that I actually haven’t been around the block a million times and takes me seriously? I REALLY like him, he is such a nice guy with his life together and I’ve dated nothing but a string of douchebags before him.

 

You haven’t done any mistakes! Other than ofcourse stressing about perception. If he truly is a good guy, like you say, he will not be a judgmental prick.

 

He might be stressing about the exactly same thing; “I don’t want to look needy - better to hold off texting for a while”, “did I push for sex to soon”, “why hasn’t she initiated”, etc

[d0nnivain]

Update: He texted me after work to see how my day was! All hope is not lost!

 

Now how can I salvage my mistake last night so that he realizes that I actually haven’t been around the block a million times and takes me seriously? I REALLY like him, he is such a nice guy with his life together and I’ve dated nothing but a string of douchebags before him.

 

Glad he reached out.

 

Now own your behavior & stay away from private horizontal surfaces for a date or two & you should be fine. But if you want to have sex with him, it's OK for you to make that choice.