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Have I ruined my chances?

tomoyo

By tomoyo,
in Dating

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preraph

preraph

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Posted (edited)
Thank you Preraph, I hadn't really thought of it that way. If he's going to be the one to push for it and then decide its okay for him to want it but not me, then he's probably more "for a good time call..." than future husband material anyways.

 

Which I'm going to warn you is the case with most young men in their early to mid-twenties. Some of them are capable of being a good boyfriend, but most of them, their first priority and sometimes only priority is sex as easy as they can get it and as cheaply. You should assume that's the case and let them prove you wrong, but beware, many of them will say whatever you want to hear just to get you to have sex and then be done with you and on to the next. It is good to date a couple of months before actually having sex. They will be on their best behavior at first, but most of them cannot keep it up if it is a facade for much longer than a couple of months. Kiss them and stuff, but don't go down on them or intercourse unless you want that and don't care if they stick around or not.

 

The longer you date one, it should become clear if they are just high pressuring you for sex and that is their main concern or if they are starting to feel like they're your boyfriend and want to spend time and want to know you and share things with you. Let sex come naturally, and don't let anyone pressure you into it. When the guy is right, you'll want to have sex, but you won't know right away what his goal is, so for someone who doesn't want casual, that means dating and waiting to see what he morphs into or if he just bails because he can't handle not having sex with you for 2 months. Now, be prepared also that he may be multidating, and that's okay as long as it goes both ways. Some people don't feel comfortable dating except one at a time, and it's usually hard to get guys to actually do that in a new relationship because it's really too soon for commitment. They may say they're doing it just to appease you but keep looking in the meantime, which leaves you being faithful and him not. Until he talks about being exclusive, you keep dating. Don't throw it in his face, but don't close your options until he at least cares enough to focus on you.

 

Whatever you do, don't give more than you've gotten from him because that doesn't make him love you more, it just creates an imbalance under which they feel obligated and like they need to get out because they're not ready for obligation, so no gifts or anything. Expect him to treat you like you'd treat others and get out early if it's clear they are not up to that standard. Love doesn't change men. You can't change people by being better than they deserve. Good luck.

Edited by preraph
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Blake101

Blake101

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I've been talking to this guy online for about 3 weeks, we finally went out on Friday night, coffee turned into a walk, which turned into ice cream, which turned into sitting by the river and talking, which turned into minigolf (We were out for like 5 hours!). He bet me dinner at mini golf and then lost intentionally, we drove back to where we met for coffee (we had only taken one car) and talked for a while longer, and had a (Great!) kiss/light brief makeout. He tried to get me to come over but I said no because I had chores at home I had put off. He kept in contact all weekend, sending me long texts and keeping a very good conversation going and made plans right away to see me for dinner.

 

Last night we went for dinner, he picked me up, we went and had dinner, talked and laughed the whole time, just as much chemistry as the first date. Then he asked me to come over for a movie, and this time I agreed. We drove out to his place, he gave me a tour of his house, showed me a bunch of his photography and talked about travel. Then we picked a out a movie...... and this is where I let things get out of control. Obviously we didn't end up watching the movie, make out turned into back massaged, turned into clothes all off touching, which let to oral sex. We didn't have "p in the v" but its all basically the same thing.

 

I REALLY like this guy, in person we have great chemistry and I thought both dates even before physical stuff happened were great. He's a great conversationalist and SUPER polite (Opens car doors, pulls out he seat, ect). I'm worried now that I have ruined my chances with him by getting THAT physical that fast. I am NOT normally like that, I have only been with two men in my life, and I have normally believed in a 10 date rule before you get physical. Now I'm terrified I have ruined everything with this guy and that he is going to assume I'm an easy slut, when that's not the case, I just got caught up in the moment, hadn't been with anyone for a while, and was super attracted to him so I just let it happen. Do you think I killed my chances here? How can I change his opinion of me? Or is it just too late? (I'm 28, he's 34 for reference)

 

10 dates???? Lol F that.

 

You're good, just chill out and have fun. You like him, don't you? Then keep enjoying the ride and see what's in store for the future.

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  • 2 years later...
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tomoyo

tomoyo

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Posted (edited)

I know this is an old post, but I thought it might be nice to give an update just in case there are any women out there going through something similar and want some hope... this guy proposed to me last week! :) Sometimes we really do overthink things and worry way WAY too much.

Edited by tomoyo
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Acacia98

Acacia98

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2 hours ago, tomoyo said:

I know this is an old post, but I thought it might be nice to give an update just in case there are any women out there going through something similar and want some hope... this guy proposed to me last week! :) Sometimes we really do overthink things and worry way WAY too much.

Oh my goodness! Congratulations @tomoyo! 

Edited by Acacia98
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Versacehottie

Versacehottie

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Omg, congratulations! I read the first post without looking at the date and was going to say, it looked all good to me.  Then I saw the date! Such good news.

I think you could help a lot of people who equate directly what you do or don't do physically on a date with the success of the relationship when it is more nuanced than that (the majority of the time).   What I noticed is that he seemed general very interested in you and treating you well on the dates, was obviously trying to impress you and you also were having lots of fun. You might have had a little panic behind the scenes just due to what the stereotype might be of sleeping with a guy "too soon" but I would guess what you guys both did the following days was just continue to have fun---in other words having had sex wasn't the ENTIRE meaning and reason for everything and neither of you proceeded like it was.  Is this right?  

Literally there is a thread going on right now--similar themed--where it's obvious the OP is hyper-focused on what she did or didn't do physically on the date, almost to the point that she is ignoring the other signs and her own subsequent actions (to the determent of any potential that existed).  If you kind of detail the week or two after your second date, I'm SURE it should help people who are being too one-note in the interpretation of what getting physical early on can be or how to handle it best. 

Congratulations again❤️❤️❤️

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Miss Peach

Miss Peach

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Congrats!

 

Edited by Miss Peach
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thewoomensay

thewoomensay

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On 6/19/2018 at 11:15 AM, MaleIntuition said:

Give it up too fast? Give what up? Sex isn’t a freaking price or a competition.

Say it to the people still in the back 🗣️

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