Failing New Marriage

[Ronin3993]

Where did she say she's staying?

 

Don't cave - you're right, she needs to change.

 

I'd bet money she's really involved with someone. Do you have the child tonight?

 

She didn't, and so I didn't ask. If she wants to come back then maybe I will otherwise I guess it's not my concern. I have the little one, she woke up not long ago screaming for me to go get her mommy... Makes it that much harder to be strong...

[d0nnivain]

With the separate bank accounts she was never really all in. She always had an escape route.

 

You did the right thing with the ultimatum. I'm sorry she chose not to come home. I'm going to hope for you that a night alone will help her gain some perspective on the family she's giving up. When your child woke up I would have texted her to make her feel guilty. It's more then her & you that will be effected by her choices.

 

As tough as this is you do deserve to be loved, Hang on to that through the dark low points.

[Ronin3993]

With the separate bank accounts she was never really all in. She always had an escape route.

 

You did the right thing with the ultimatum. I'm sorry she chose not to come home. I'm going to hope for you that a night alone will help her gain some perspective on the family she's giving up. When your child woke up I would have texted her to make her feel guilty. It's more then her & you that will be effected by her choices.

 

As tough as this is you do deserve to be loved, Hang on to that through the dark low points.

Well the bank account thing was less of not being all in and more of us procrastinating... not as though she fought combining the bank accounts and actually brought it up in the past we were both just busy

I would have messaged her but I figured it was stronger not to initiate contact, she messaged me this morning asking how we were, I told her how our daughter had been asking for her, she said she wanted to come home this morning but was physically sick with anxiety (a pre-existing condition). I asked if she intended to come home tonight, and she said yes that she couldn't afford to keep paying for hotels. I know believing someone after an affair is tricky but with given how heated things were before she left I believe she would have rubbed my nose in it if she stayed with another man

Edited June 30, 2018 by Ronin3993

[S2B]

When she gets back do the hard part... tell that if she doesn't give the marriage 150% of her energy then you're ending it.

 

That way she shows you with action that she intends to act married or not.

 

Don't go acting like you're happy she's home - she's got to EARN your trust.

[d0nnivain]

I was actually going to suggest a softer approach to her return. She gets part of the carrot for doing the right thing & coming home. Be firm that things have to change & she has to work but do be kind so she feels welcome at home, that it's a place she wants to be -- with you working things out

[Ronin3993]

I was personally leaning towards d0nnivain's suggestion, I don't intend to backslide, I will be firm in my statement that I deserve a loving relationship, and if she agrees to counseling we can work towards that, but otherwise she needs to let me go so I can move on. But I will be kind, I was the stick last night and it was against my nature, I showed her that I am serious about my statements and what things will be like if she rejects our marriage. Tonight I will show her how things will be if she accepts the marriage...

[d0nnivain]

Good luck.

 

It's so heart breaking that you have to persuade a spouse to accept her marriage.

[Ronin3993]

Well she agreed to attend marriage counseling, I'm going to work to get it set up... it may not work out, we may not be married forever, and that is fine but at least now we are both trying... thank you to everyone who weighed in and gave advice, your help and support was greatly appreciated in this troubling time

[S2B]

That's great she agreed to counseling - did she call the OM- put him on speaker in front of you and tell him she won't have ANY contact with him anymore?

 

If she didn't/won't - you still have three people in your marriage.

 

The OM needs to be eliminated immediately if she intends to focus only on your marriage!

[Aqulesco]

eventually the other man wont be able to resist her

[Ronin3993]

Update,

Tonight I came home early from a trip across state, to find her not at home. Suspecting she was with the OM I took a trip to his house to see. She was in fact there, unfortunately in my anger I knocked on the door to get them to come outside. When the man came outside he was aggressive and proceeded to attempt to put me in a headlock, the insuing fight has given me a disorderly conduct and a harassment violation (the latter of which I will appeal, as I did not initiate the physical contact, the former is legally sound considering I knocked on the door at 3am). I packed up most of her stuff tonight and told her she could get it in the morning but she better find someplace else to stay. I have been expecting it for so long, and yet right now I don't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no joy that my days of being a paranoid person are over. Just nothing. I'm sure I'll feel something tomorrow when I confront her, but for now I sit awake, not feeling anything, not wanting to do anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

At least now you know, no more wondering "what if".

 

As you've found the hard way, separation/divorce is a difficult path to navigate. Get an attorney and follow the advice given before any more late-night adventures occur.

 

Sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronin3993]

At least now you know, no more wondering "what if".

 

As you've found the hard way, separation/divorce is a difficult path to navigate. Get an attorney and follow the advice given before any more late-night adventures occur.

 

Sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yeah I don't intend on doing anything else, if she wants him more power to the both of them, I feel awful for my daughter who has had nothing but a happy upbringing with the two of us... Tomorrow morning I'm having my attorney draft up some papers, and I'm converting my MC session to an individual session... I am glad I no longer am stuck wondering, but still I just can't believe she would be that ****ty of a person... Really trying to be strong and tell myself I deserve to be happy but that light looks oh so dim in this long tunnel...

[Marc878]

When they have to take time to decide if they want the marriage it's already over.

 

Good mothers don't destroy their families.

 

File and don't look back.

 

Get an attorney and get those charges dropped that will not bode well to have it on your record nor help with child custody!!!!!

[Adiron]

unfortunately in my anger I knocked on the door to get them to come outside.

 

It has nothing to do with "fortune" it's yet another bad decision on your part. You've got quite the uphill climb and you keep burying yourself rather than making progress. What do you hope to gain by going over there? She wants him, not you; you aren't going to change that by acts of desperation.

 

 

 

the insuing fight has given me a disorderly conduct and a harassment violation (the latter of which I will appeal, as I did not initiate the physical contact, the former is legally sound considering I knocked on the door at 3am).

 

 

Good luck with that! 2 witnesses who will both collaberate and say you started it, you're already in the hole because you're the aggressor having gone over there. The charges will stick, you'll waste a lot of money trying to appeal it, and you'll be spending more anyway trying to fight the restraining order that's definitely headed your way.

 

 

 

I packed up most of her stuff tonight and told her she could get it in the morning but she better find someplace else to stay.

 

 

She'll use the order to kick YOU out of the house. She isn't going anywhere.

[Ronin3993]

It has nothing to do with "fortune" it's yet another bad decision on your part. You've got quite the uphill climb and you keep burying yourself rather than making progress. What do you hope to gain by going over there? She wants him, not you; you aren't going to change that by acts of desperation.

First of all It wasn't a rational decision, its easy to speak in hindsight its another to be experiencing a rush of emotions. And I went there first to make sure that was who she was with.I had intended to find out and drive away, but intentions don't always amount to what happens.

Good luck with that! 2 witnesses who will both collaberate and say you started it, you're already in the hole because you're the aggressor having gone over there. The charges will stick, you'll waste a lot of money trying to appeal it, and you'll be spending more anyway trying to fight the restraining order that's definitely headed your way.

One witness, she was too busy hiding like a coward rather than face me, or see what was going on. Oh and before you say that she'll lie and say otherwise I have proof of her admitting she hadn't seen anything. Also as for a restraining order, she has no intention to do such a thing, but even if she did have an intention she would have to develop a proof that I would harm her, which is impossible.

 

She'll use the order to kick YOU out of the house. She isn't going anywhere.

And as I stated already she moved out already so once more you are wrong.

 

 

Hey how about next time you comment on something, instead of berating a man who is already feeling the worst he has ever felt in his life, you say something encouraging, productive, or otherwise useful.

[Adiron]

First of all It wasn't a rational decision .I had intended to find out and drive away, but intentions don't always amount to what happens.

 

 

It's unfortunate that you make irrational impulsive decisions that will at best hinder your progress and at worst, set you back considerably.

 

 

One witness, she was too busy hiding like a coward rather than face me, or see what was going on. Oh and before you say that she'll lie and say otherwise I have proof of her admitting she hadn't seen anything.

 

 

She'll lie and say she saw you initiate the conflict. Regardless of what proof you think you have.

 

 

Also as for a restraining order, she has no intention to do such a thing

 

 

You have no idea what she might or might not do. You probably didn't think she'd cheat on you either. You don't know her like you think you do, and you unfortunately make the common mistake of underestimating your adversary.

 

 

but even if she did have an intention she would have to develop a proof that I would harm her, which is impossible.

 

 

Wrong. She simply needs to tell a judge she's afraid of you, and point to your recent actions at her boyfriends house. That's all it takes.

 

 

 

And as I stated already she moved out already so once more you are wrong.

 

 

That won't prevent her from a) getting a restraining order and b) moving back in.

 

 

Hey how about next time you comment on something, instead of berating a man who is already feeling the worst he has ever felt in his life, you say something encouraging, productive, or otherwise useful.

 

 

I'm telling you things you need to hear. Get mad at me rather than her.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, you deserve to be happy. I hope that she stays away. Is your child with you , or with her?

[Ronin3993]

It's unfortunate that you make irrational impulsive decisions that will at best hinder your progress and at worst, set you back considerably.

Yes, and that is part of being human, I'm not a damn Vulcan, no person always acts rational and anyone who does is either a sociopath or broken beyond belief.

 

 

She'll lie and say she saw you initiate the conflict. Regardless of what proof you think you have.

Except I have legally acquired voice recording of our conversation the next day in which she admits seeing anything. Also the police officer who took the statement said her version of the events was that she didn't see anything. You are reaching so hard to try and be pessimistic. Finally, pressing such a citation would require a court proceeding at which point her affair will become a matter of public record something she is openly terrified of. I've not seen much emotion out of her during this whole thing, but I saw genuine fear in her from people finding out what she had done.

 

You have no idea what she might or might not do. You probably didn't think she'd cheat on you either. You don't know her like you think you do, and you unfortunately make the common mistake of underestimating your adversary.

There you go throwing salt in wounds again, as if helpful. Furthermore encouraging me to become more hostile and adversarial to my soon to be ex-wife, will not make divorce proceedings any easier.Nor will it make co-parenting my daughter in the future more productive.

 

Wrong. She simply needs to tell a judge she's afraid of you, and point to your recent actions at her boyfriends house. That's all it takes.

 

I by no means have a law degree but that is highly dependent on the judge. Some will just slap it based on that, others require evidence.

 

That won't prevent her from a) getting a restraining order and b) moving back in.

First time I can say this whole heartedly that you are right, that does not prevent her from doing those things. What it does however is severely decrease the likelihood of such a thing, as if she had intention to do that she more than likely would have before packing all of her stuff and loading it into a car.

 

I'm telling you things you need to hear. Get mad at me rather than her.

Telling me a fictional pessimistic possible future without any suggestion of how to prevent such a thing is far from helpful. You are like if Kyle Reese had no idea how to save Sarah Connor and just ran around telling people what would happen when the machines took over. You really don't understand how emotions work do you? Increasing someone's anger does not always equate into it being purely directed at you, and is by no means helpful to an already distraught person.

I feel as though you care more about being right and a pessimistic boogeyman than you do about actually being helpful

[Ronin3993]

Yes, you deserve to be happy. I hope that she stays away. Is your child with you , or with her?

I keep telling myself that... She has to return to keep getting her stuff, but other than that she has stayed away. Luckily the plan with my cross-state trip was to take my daughter and let her stay with my parents for the week, because they miss her and given our recent problems we could use the break. So currently our child is staying with the parental grandparents.

[Jamess1]

She has been cheating on you for a while now, at least, planning it for for a while (yes, get STI test) I knew it from the first paragraph. Have a DNA test on your daughter too, I don't care what you think and how you feel, just do it...The way and time you got married, definitely get a DNA test '..we have experience...'. This isn't the first affair, this is the first one you caught her..or she wanted you to catch her..

 

This marriage is over, no matter what happens afterwards, even if she begs you, apologizes, it's over...taking her back will hurt you twice later..

 

The woman you got married to is not the one you divorce...she already doesn't like you, doesn't respect you, you now mean nothing, the past you had means nothing, she hates you in a way..she is just concerned abt her future...she wanted this longer than you did.....don't be surprised with heartless and greedy behavior...

[Loveandobey]

I was in a similar situation straight out of college, getting into a serious relationship, a little rushed. What worked for me was to work on myself. You want her back, but clearly she may not want you. So take a step back. Work on your own needs. What do you need from yourself..make a list. Work on that. What do you need from your partner ( absolutely need). Once you are clear about what you need and if she really can give you what you need from a partner then I suggest a heart to heart conversation just so you can figure out if there is anything to save. But if your list shows you that she can't give you what you need long-term from a partner, then you need to figure out if remaining in the current situation is the best solution. Just don't be impulsive. Give it some thought.

[Josef Reisz]

A lot of things I have read are to give her space, focus on improving myself, and let her work through her thoughts/feelings.

 

Which makes complete sense, but I’m worried that since problems began from a lack of time together that doing that would make things worse.

 

She wants you to be her man! In full force. A true masculine, stepping up in his full love for her.

 

She is scared and insecure, and all she wants is to feel your powerful masculine love.

 

That's not meant to be in any sexual way. I mean your true essence of a masculine. Holding her firmly, being present with her, not shaking when she is giving you her tests. Telling you that she didn't love you is a test of your love.

 

She doesn't feel loved in the relationship, that's why she is trying to make you "try harder". She knows that you love her because otherwise you'd be gone already. When you now withdraw even more, she will lose the feeling of being connected to you.

 

It is now time to understand her needs and how you can meet them. Think of needs, such as stability, surprises/variety, importance, love/connection, growth, contribution.

 

How much do you think she feels that your love is certain, that you make her feel important, that you give her the feeling of love and connection with you?

(these are neutral questions, without any judgement)

 

Find out how you can meet her needs. If you fulfil all of her basic human needs 100%, there is no way that she will ever leave you or say "I don't love you".

 

People who don't feel their needs fulfilled from their partner are looking for it somewhere else, or from someone else. Before you judge, remember that there are two sides to every story. And both of you are 100% responsible for your relationship.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Josef, I think you are a bit behind the curve with regard to the situation involving Ronin and his stbx wife. You may have missed the fact of Ronin's 3 am visit to his wife's Om's house and how that involved a physical assault on him and his being saddled with charges of disorderly behaviour etc. All the while his wife was hiding out of sight and refused to intervene on her husband's behalf. Guess Ronin got the answers he was looking for and now the only course of action for him to take is to divorce his cheating wife.

 

Ronin, I am very sorry that you have been placed in such an unenviable position. However, now that you know where your wife's loyalties lie it is best that you take swift, proactive action to divorce your cheating wife and move on without her. There is nothing else that you can do without laying yourself open to being called and treated like a doormat. You have shown your self to be a man with strong character and good values. You deserve a woman who equals you in that department. Will be rooting for you. Best wishes.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Just a Guy