Girlfriends past is ripping me apart

[Lucas]

Unfortunately I know my girl's past and her sexual history and the pictures from her past are constanly dawning on my mind and are ripping me apart mentally. I know it is not rational but is there any way to deal with this?? I know the guy she used to date for 4 years, is being friends with her, and ocassionally they see each other, and just the thought of him sends chills in my body. Sometimes I am ready to just go after him and kill him, as scary as it may seem. Any advice?

[sparkle]

Hi Lucas,

 

First of all, how do you know about her sexual history?

 

1. If SHE told you on her own, it was extremely dumb and appropriate of her to do so.

 

2. Now if YOU asked her (or anyone else) about it, it was inappropriate of you as well. You shouldn't have done it if you weren't ready to handle and accept any answer. Besides, it isn't relevant to your relationship with her now.

 

So, how did you find out?

 

You asked, "I know it is not rational but is there any way to deal with this??"

 

There are two things you can do:

 

1. You must realize that she's HUMAN, just like you and all your guy buddies you know. And then you accept her past today, push it out of your mind, and never think about it again.

 

These pictures won't be in your mind if you don't let them. You choose to think about them. Just STOP IT.

 

But the only way you can move past this is by accepting it and realizing that she had every right to be with and have sex with anyone she chose to before she met you.

 

2. If you can't stop thinking about her past or can't get those images out of your head RIGHT NOW, the best solution is to break up with her. Your past or your girlfriend's past is totally irrelevant to your current relationship.

 

Do this girl a favor. Break up with her if her past bothers you. She needs to find someone that is mature enough not to let her past bother him. Or if she told you, you can go find someone that's mature enough not to reveal such intimate details about her past.

 

And the next relationship you're involved in, make sure never to ask her about her past, and never let her tell you either.

 

As far as her seeing this ex of hers occasionally, you can tell her that you think it is inappropriate and that it bothers you. If she does it again, she's showing you her lack of effort in trying to make this relationship work out, and you have no other choice but to break up with her.

[unnamed]

I know where you are coming from. I'm constantly bothered by my girlfriend's sexual past: even today, a year into the relationship. I just cannot seem to stop it from affecting me.

 

If I see one of her partners (I'll call them that even though she never had sex), I too feel enough urge to kill them with my bare hands. Its sad, but its a reality that many people like us have to face.

 

And then there's the folks who are bystanders, saying "get over it", and "it's just the past... she's with you now."

 

If only it was that easy.

 

For some it will be, but for others, it may never be. If I did not love my girlfriend then I would have left her a year ago.

 

And do I have double standards? No. In fact, I was never sexually involved with anyone before my girlfriend.

 

I think I'm heading too far into my tale, so I'll skip that for now.

 

The point is you have two options.

 

One, leave you're girlfriend. Is she worth the suffering? What is it about her that keeps you with her? Is it you're attraction to her, despite how her past affects you, or is it because basically has a controlling grasp on you.

 

Or two, stay with you're girlfriend. Within this option, you also have two options. You can either tell you're girlfriend about you're problem, or you can try to hide it the best as possible.

 

In retrospect, I cannot say whether or not I made a good choice by telling my girlfriend about how I felt. We've been through a lot of problems because of it. Was it worth it? I don't know. But on the other hand, I kept honest and clean with her and told her how I felt. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly good. So ultimately, its up to you. If you decide to stay with you're girlfriend, you have to make the decision to tell her or not. Think long and hard about it, too.

 

Whether or not you should stay with you're girlfriend depends on how commited the two of you are to each other, how you like (or love) her, and if she's worth the suffering.

 

Unlike what Sparkle was saying, the images in you're mind will never dissapear. Never. They will always be there. The only thing you can try to do is tough it out and ignore them. I'm currently in that process. They may come and go, and they will most definetely bombard you when you want them to the least.

 

The only thing you can do is try to think of other things when they come. Sometimes, however, the images and pain may be to intense and strong to overcome. But, if you can think positively (think of good times you had with you're girlfriend, or an interest/hobby). Or even do something else. Get up and exercise. Something to distract you're attention.

 

Right now, I've accepted that my girlfriend has a past. I cannot change it. You cannot change you're girlfriend's past either. That's a concrete fact never to be changed. Its just that I am bothered by what went on. And no, I do not think of what she did myself. I don't bring it on myself.

 

The bottom line is this will cause you massive problems unless you get over it -- or her.

[sparkle]

Unlike what Sparkle was saying, the images

in you're mind will never dissapear. Never. They will always be there. The only thing you can try to do is tough it out and ignore them. I'm currently in that process. They may come and go, and they will most definetely bombard you when you want them to the least.

Actually, I was speaking from experience. I've been there, done that. I've seen it happen also. Just because you are having such a difficult time dealing with your problem, it doesn't mean that you should discourage others who post here by being so pessimistic.

 

Just because you're in the same situation doesn't mean that everyone else will feel the same way as you do. I was letting him know that that he has these images in his head because HE LETS HIMSELF DO SO. And as soon as he can get over his problem, as soon as he accepts what's happened, and realizes that his girlfriend has every right to have a past before he came along, these images WILL DISAPPEAR.

 

Yes, I do know what I'm talking about. Yes, I've been there before. Yes, I did have these nasty images in my mind, and his past in my thoughts, until I got some very good advice, realized how wrong I was. I faced my problem, I changed my thinking/attitude, and I GOT OVER IT. And you know what, the only times I think about it is when I'm answering posts such as this one.

 

My boyfriend's past does not bother me one bit anymore. I don't think about it anymore. I am fully responsible for my thoughts. And I could even sit here and think about him having sex with so-and-so. And you know what, it won't bother me anymore. Not one tiny bit.

 

And it's not that I'm just "ignoring these images". Just the opposite, I've dealt with them appropriately, and now they've disappeared.

 

When you realize that you have full control over your thoughts and images, they will disappear also. But until then, don't assume that it will never happen. And by telling others it will never happen, you're just knocking them down again before they've had a chance to try to get up.

 

Wish you the best of luck in dealing with your problem.

[Miss Mojo]

....i understand that you believe that if you love someone, you can't leave them...but if the past is becoming such a MASSIVE hindrance, isn't it more of a show of love to say, "i am being so unfair to you, you need to live your life without me making something that has long gone, tough on you, because i love you" ??

 

i too have been in this situation, and even though i was with an absolutely wonderful guy, splitting up was the fairest (albeit very painful), way to go. things just became progressively harder to deal with over time, which was obvious proof that it wasn't going to get any better. like you said, it will cause MASSIVE problems. it would have been so much more painful to have let it go on.

 

it ultimately ends up affecting both people in the relationship, and is a terrible way to make someone feel guilty for doing NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong....i know it's been said a thousand times before, but when things happened before you met someone, you have no cause to worry about it. it's just insecurity and inferiority, and these feelings should not be thrown onto someone else.....and that is fair, and that's what it is to love someone.