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What am I to do?


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AnotherGuy1234

Will do Sunlight.

 

I will tell some detailed info about us.

 

She has been married two times. The first marriage she didn't want to go through with, but she did anyways. She said she wasn't in love with him. They did have a child

She divorced him, but she gets along with him and his new wife fine and I support her for doing that for the child.

 

The second marriage her friends warned her to not do. The guy was on drugs. Well, she got married to him anyways. She said it wasn't a good marriage and his parents didn't like him. They had a child together. She left him because he left some needles around and she had enough of him.

 

 

She has been in a few relationships since then, but they all ended. She left her marriage about two years ago. SHE TOLD ME THAT I HAVE BEEN THE BEST RELATIONSHIP SHE HAS EVER HAD.

 

I know her through work and that is how we got together. Everyone was happy we got together. Everyone is always asking when am I moving up there to her. Her job pays good and she can not do that job if she moves here with me. So, I am sacrificing and transferring up there.

 

Our relationship was great in the beginning- like most.. the "honeymoon" period.

 

Anyways, to the point..things have changed.

 

#1 issue

I got upset with her one time because she would let her guy friend come spend the night (I wasn't used to that). The guy was her friend's ex-fiance. They hit it off good because they both love the same football team. She said there was nothing going on. She said she wasn't going to hurt her other friend and that she sees him as a friend. She said they both flirted one time with each other, but nothing happen. She did say they did lay in bed with each other another time before to sleep, but nothing happen. She sees him like a brother. The kids sometimes call him Uncle.

 

She tells me everything and I trust her because she didn't hide it. I met the guy to and we got a long. So I figured nothing was happening.

 

But she got upset in the beginning when I told her I didn't like it. She said she known him longer than me. So, I said I trusted her and was ok with it.

 

#2 issue

She says she loves me, but isn't in love with me. She had an affair long ago with a married guy. She says she was in love with him.

 

That bothers me a lot. In love with a man who cheats on his wife.

 

Then she told me she wasn't in love with the guy in her first marriage...and look what happen. Divorced.

 

She says I am to affectionate and she has never been a very affectionate person.

 

It bothers me a lot.

 

I feel she does love me, but she is confused with herself and what she wants.

 

She told me one time that she could be single and be ok. I just told her I could find someone else that would feel the same about me as I do them.

 

This eats at me constantly with the things she says

 

 

 

 

There are a few little issues, but like I told her. I want us to work through them. We HAVE to communicate. That is one main reasons why relationships fail is poor communications.

 

 

Anyways, this weekend I told her I wanted to talk, but she didn't feel like it. She was moody. She said lots of things have frustrated her. She did tell me eventually that one frustration was at her friend (girl) and told me everything. I asked her couple more times what was wrong and she got snappy at me. I backed away.

 

She was wearing a ring I made for her on her wedding finger. She did call me 'baby' some. She did tell me she loves me. We hugged. I told her I loved her and she means so much to me.

 

She did say I got her frustrated some this weekend (I was cleaning up the yard and accidently tracked in some). The kids were a pain this weekend so they got her frustrated.

 

But we didn't talk. I told her I want to when she feels better.

 

I asked if she wanted me to come back up this coming weekend, but she said she has to see how the week goes (guess with the kids). She doesn't have them this coming weekend and she said she might want some alone time.

 

I did forget her middle name couple weeks ago. I just had a lot of stuff on my mind. She joked with me about it. I forgot somethings to and could tell she got aggervated. She doesn't have much patiences sometimes.

 

I was going to ask to video chat her and talk, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to be needy, but I just feel like she doesn't care

Edited by AnotherGuy1234
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Thanks for the info AnotherGuy,

that doesn't sound so good. I know where you're at.

 

I'm going up to see my girl this evening - I'm just going to go and see how things are, no agenda other than that. I figure I can see from her actions and our interactions where we're at. We've already made a general plan that I'm going to be transitioning to her city soon, so that will be the real time to see how we do together.

 

I'm happy to see her, and she will be happy to see me too. I'll have a couple days to see how we are, and if that's good, I'm going to start moving up there next week - part time. 4 days (?) there, three back at my own home/work for the next several months. I don't like the long-distance guesswork - I end up overthinking things some days, which is annoying and a waste of energy. I want an actual relationship, and fortunately I have my own business, and can make it happen. We've been together about 4 months, and I am over the wondering about goofy little non-issues that will be clear in person. So, I'm going.

 

Putting my best foot forward.

 

She's great for me (as I hear you feel your girlfriend is for you), and I need to see if that's the real situation or if it's based on my hopes. That's on me.

 

Good luck with your next few weeks,

hope you have an easy talk and things smooth out.

I'll be curious.

 

Cheers,

Sunlight

Edited by Sunlight72
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AnotherGuy1234
Thanks for the info AnotherGuy,

that doesn't sound so good. I know where you're at.

 

I'm going up to see my girl this evening - I'm just going to go and see how things are, no agenda other than that. I figure I can see from her actions and our interactions where we're at. We've already made a general plan that I'm going to be transitioning to her city soon, so that will be the real time to see how we do together.

 

I'm happy to see her, and think she will be happy to see me too. I'll have a couple days to see how we are, and if that's good, I'm going to start moving up there next week - part time. 4 days (?) there, three back at my own home/work for the next several months.

 

Putting my best foot forward.

 

She's great for me (as I hear you feel your girlfriend is for you), and I need to see if that's the real situation or if it's based on my hopes. That's on me.

 

Good luck with your next few weeks,

hope you have an easy talk and things smooth out.

I'll be curious.

 

Cheers,

Sunlight

 

Same to you. Keep us posted.

 

Women are sometimes a pain to deal with.

 

My girlfriend's friend just found out the guy she was seeing was also having a relationship with another woman.

 

Don't know why people do that, like I told my girlfriend.

 

Don't screw with someone's emotions like that, especially mine.

 

I haven't texted my girl yet and asked for her to talk with me. She texted me first this morning and wished me a good day and said she loves me.

 

 

But I have to get this off my chest. The guy i work with, who is my friend, said that my girlfriend already told me how she feels about me...basically she doesn't want me from what it sounds like he says.

 

To me it sounds like she wants me, but then wants to be independent and do what she wants. I can not stand that.

 

Like she told me...she is wishy washy. She needs to figure it out.

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AnotherGuy1234

I didn't text good night to my woman for the past couple of days. We would text before and it would go silent. I texted her one morning wishing her a good morning. She mocked me in a wayx because I was using yall (due to me talking about the kids and her). But she wished me a good morning and hope i was ok. Told me she loves me.

 

I texted her back asking how she was. No response. She was busy. No problem.

 

She texted me later on when i left work asking how my day was. We texted a few. She had one of her daughters friends staying with her for these past few days since the girls mom was leaving for work. My woman told me she was going home today just because. I know the kids have been wild. I said ok.

 

My woman's friend invited her and I to her daughters birthday. So i was texting my woman about what we could get for the girl.

 

 

Girlfriend texted back and said she didn't know if she wanted company this weekend yet.

 

I said, "Company?"

 

She said, "Yeah, just someone over.

 

I said, "I know what it means."

 

She then replied, "Why did you ask then?"

 

I said, "It's nothing. Well my term of how I use that for is friends. I felt like I was more than just company. But I see how you use it as just someone over. I understand you may want some alone time from everyone. I have no problem and understand it. I was just wanting to spend some time with you while we don't have the kids. Get you out the house and have some fun. But it's all up to you, baby".

 

She didn't reply back. I eventually texted back an hour or two later asking how the kids been acting. She said theyre good and she wasn't ignoring me. She had to get somethings striaght.

 

I told her it is was ok.i know her routine (cleaning up and getting kids settled down).

 

Didn't hear her back for the rest of the night. I didn't text.

 

I havent heard from her this morning either.

 

I saw someone was watching my netflix last night....it could've been her.

 

I know her guy friend comes over once a week and spends the night and he watches my netflix sometimes.

 

But whatever.

 

If she wants me..she has my number. I am tired of chasing. I know she is busy and could've fell asleep last night as well. I love the kids and her to death. Just hope she is not back in her wishy wash mood. I am getting tired of that.

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She clearly doesn’t see you as a serious boyfriend, and that’s why she was offended when you took upon yourself to thank her friends for helping her.

 

There’s so much drama in your companionship (I don’t even think yours is a relationship), and you’re worrying about people of different races dating each other?

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AnotherGuy1234
She clearly doesn’t see you as a serious boyfriend, and that’s why she was offended when you took upon yourself to thank her friends for helping her.

 

There’s so much drama in your companionship (I don’t even think yours is a relationship), and you’re worrying about people of different races dating each other?

 

 

I just stated my opinion in that thread. This has nothing to do with interracial relationships. So thats irrelevant to my thread.

 

But thanks for your input

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DrReplyInRhymes
I didn't text good night to my woman for the past couple of days. We would text before and it would go silent. I texted her one morning wishing her a good morning. She mocked me in a wayx because I was using yall (due to me talking about the kids and her). But she wished me a good morning and hope i was ok. Told me she loves me.

 

I texted her back asking how she was. No response. She was busy. No problem.

 

She texted me later on when i left work asking how my day was. We texted a few. She had one of her daughters friends staying with her for these past few days since the girls mom was leaving for work. My woman told me she was going home today just because. I know the kids have been wild. I said ok.

 

My woman's friend invited her and I to her daughters birthday. So i was texting my woman about what we could get for the girl.

 

 

Girlfriend texted back and said she didn't know if she wanted company this weekend yet.

 

I said, "Company?"

 

She said, "Yeah, just someone over.

 

I said, "I know what it means."

 

She then replied, "Why did you ask then?"

 

I said, "It's nothing. Well my term of how I use that for is friends. I felt like I was more than just company. But I see how you use it as just someone over. I understand you may want some alone time from everyone. I have no problem and understand it. I was just wanting to spend some time with you while we don't have the kids. Get you out the house and have some fun. But it's all up to you, baby".

 

She didn't reply back. I eventually texted back an hour or two later asking how the kids been acting. She said theyre good and she wasn't ignoring me. She had to get somethings striaght.

 

I told her it is was ok.i know her routine (cleaning up and getting kids settled down).

 

Didn't hear her back for the rest of the night. I didn't text.

 

I havent heard from her this morning either.

 

I saw someone was watching my netflix last night....it could've been her.

 

I know her guy friend comes over once a week and spends the night and he watches my netflix sometimes.

 

But whatever.

 

If she wants me..she has my number. I am tired of chasing. I know she is busy and could've fell asleep last night as well. I love the kids and her to death. Just hope she is not back in her wishy wash mood. I am getting tired of that.

 

She's 'Netflix and chillin' with her guy friend and you're still in a relationship with her?

 

Best of luck with that.

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AnotherGuy1234
She's 'Netflix and chillin' with her guy friend and you're still in a relationship with her?

 

Best of luck with that.

 

Well, everyone is always saying to trust. I trust her. I already told her how I felt. The guy is he friend's ex-fiance too. She told me she would never do anything, because it would go against her friendship with her and him.

 

And on top of that, she claims he is like a brother.

 

My woman has been through 2 divorces. I am a good catch like I told her...if she screws it up..it is on her.

 

I spend my time with the kids and her. He doesn't with them like that. He comes over to drink and smoke and BS.

 

I have met and hung out with the guy. I felt there was no issues.

 

But if she does me wrong and something has been going on....her friends and her will never hear the end of it..especially when everyone we work with knows me and supports her and my relationship.

Plus her parents like me a lot....she would never hear the end of it from them either.

 

And I trust her to not do me wrong. She doesn't seem to keep it from me that I know about

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If I may ask: Why are you so crazy about this woman? What are her most attractive traits in your eyes?

 

So why does it matter if her parents, her friends and her kids like you if she doesn’t see you as a serious boyfriend?

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AnotherGuy1234
If I may ask: Why are you so crazy about this woman? What are her most attractive traits in your eyes?

 

So why does it matter if her parents, her friends and her kids like you if she doesn’t see you as a serious boyfriend?

 

She is a great mother, hard worker, she loves the outdoors and doesn't mind helping me out in the woods. When she does love...she loves me great. I really do look to have a future with her and her children. She has humor.

 

We have discussed about her getting an IVF done since she can not naturally have kids. But now her decision on that has changed. Even still, I told her I would be with her even if we didn't have kids. I see her two children as my own. The little boy slipped up and called me daddy this past weekend.

 

I want to give her a better life, but I can not do it alone if she doesn't want me.

 

Things she has said has been getting to me. I try to avoid conflict. I communicate to her. But sometimes she doesn't want to talk.

 

But I am really wanting to talk to her soon and get this settled. I am not a dog. I can befriend who I want. I go along with her having her guy friend stay or come hang out and our job that we both work at is male dominated and everyone knows and likes her. And she should've told our co-worker that asked her to dinner that her and i were together instead of her saying she would text him later.

 

Like i told her when i broke up with her (for a few hours...yeah i know)...she needs to make her mind up. She is old enough and has been through a lot to know what she wants. The wishy washy **** is messing with my emotions. And I wasn't in a relationship with just her..I was in one with her children too.

 

She gave me a fathers day card as well.

 

So, I know she loves me, but then again she gets in these mood swings (she takes meds for depression) gets all short, and don't know what she wants.

 

I love her for who she is, but only so much a person can handle.

 

I give her space. I help around her house. I spend my time and money on the kids and her (when one of the kids dads doesnt even pay child support; but what is crazy is when i met him...he thanked me for being a good guy to his son) in front of my woman. I go out of my way to go see her more than she comes down here. I even will transfer up there to move in with her so she doesn't have to quit her job.

 

 

I AM NOT ASKING FOR MUCH. Love me as I love you. Make your mind up. I am in it for the long run. I know what I want and that is her. If she constantly questions what she wants...then she has some issues because everything I have done most guys wouldn't have done. They would've hit it and quit it. I DO ALL I DO OUT OF LOVE AND COMPASSION.

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I asked what attracted you to her, and you answered in a brief paragraph. Then you wrote an essay listing why she should see you as a serious boyfriend and her future partner. The reason why she didn’t tell her co-worker she was with you was, again, she never sees you as a serious boyfriend. You’re just some guy to provide companion when she doesn’t have better things to do, and provide help when she or her kids needs it. As simple as that.

 

She is a great mother, hard worker, she loves the outdoors and doesn't mind helping me out in the woods. When she does love...she loves me great. I really do look to have a future with her and her children. She has humor.

 

We have discussed about her getting an IVF done since she can not naturally have kids. But now her decision on that has changed. Even still, I told her I would be with her even if we didn't have kids. I see her two children as my own. The little boy slipped up and called me daddy this past weekend.

 

I want to give her a better life, but I can not do it alone if she doesn't want me.

 

Things she has said has been getting to me. I try to avoid conflict. I communicate to her. But sometimes she doesn't want to talk.

 

But I am really wanting to talk to her soon and get this settled. I am not a dog. I can befriend who I want. I go along with her having her guy friend stay or come hang out and our job that we both work at is male dominated and everyone knows and likes her. And she should've told our co-worker that asked her to dinner that her and i were together instead of her saying she would text him later.

 

Like i told her when i broke up with her (for a few hours...yeah i know)...she needs to make her mind up. She is old enough and has been through a lot to know what she wants. The wishy washy **** is messing with my emotions. And I wasn't in a relationship with just her..I was in one with her children too.

 

She gave me a fathers day card as well.

 

So, I know she loves me, but then again she gets in these mood swings (she takes meds for depression) gets all short, and don't know what she wants.

 

I love her for who she is, but only so much a person can handle.

 

I give her space. I help around her house. I spend my time and money on the kids and her (when one of the kids dads doesnt even pay child support; but what is crazy is when i met him...he thanked me for being a good guy to his son) in front of my woman. I go out of my way to go see her more than she comes down here. I even will transfer up there to move in with her so she doesn't have to quit her job.

 

 

I AM NOT ASKING FOR MUCH. Love me as I love you. Make your mind up. I am in it for the long run. I know what I want and that is her. If she constantly questions what she wants...then she has some issues because everything I have done most guys wouldn't have done. They would've hit it and quit it.

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AnotherGuy1234
I asked what attracted you to her, and you answered in a brief paragraph. Then you wrote an essay listing why she should see you as a serious boyfriend and her future partner. The reason why she didn’t tell her co-worker she was with you was, again, she never sees you as a serious boyfriend. You’re just some guy to provide companion when she doesn’t have better things to do, and provide help when she or her kids needs it. As simple as that.

 

We will talk soon.

 

I don't need a long paragraph to say why I am attractive to her. I love her. Plain and simple. I would give my life to save hers. I would be by her side at all times especially when she is in need or sickness.

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She's uncertain of her feelings for you that's why she doesn't want you to interfere. When you communicate with those friends and thank them you strengthen the friendship bond and she doesn't like it. Her heart isn't in the same place as yours.

 

 

 

I remember my friend's BF stopping by my house with flowers because I had taken my friend to her chemotherapy while he was out of town, that was the sweetest gesture! it was like 25 years ago and as you see I've never forgot about it.

 

 

 

I am sorry, I know you are thrilled about this woman but there seems to be lots of uncertainties on her part.

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AnotherGuy1234
She's uncertain of her feelings for you that's why she doesn't want you to interfere. When you communicate with those friends and thank them you strengthen the friendship bond and she doesn't like it. Her heart isn't in the same place as yours.

 

 

 

I remember my friend's BF stopping by my house with flowers because I had taken my friend to her chemotherapy while he was out of town, that was the sweetest gesture! it was like 25 years ago and as you see I've never forgot about it.

 

 

 

I am sorry, I know you are thrilled about this woman but there seems to be lots of uncertainties on her part.

 

I try to be nice. This really has been the longest I have been with someone and truly I felt was a serious relationship.

 

I did text her earlier. Asked how the kids and her were. She replied pretty short like "good". Asked if i got sleep. I told her. No reply.

 

Texted her again later hoping she felt good (she has been hurting lately). No reply.

 

 

 

I did message her other friend earlier about something she wanted me to do for her. Asked if I was coming to her daughters birthday. Told her my girlfriend is trying to decide if she wants me to come because she has had a rough week this past week. Told my girlfriends friend that I will ship my girlfriend a present to give if I can not make it. I may swing by her friends house if I plan to go to my girlfriends parents house this weekend to help her dad.

 

 

 

So, right now. I am not going to bother texting my girlfriend. If she wants me...she can text me. I am going to give her some big space to maybe she will think once again. Maybe she will figure out what she wants.

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AnotherGuy1234

And lo and behold. She has finally texted me saying she isn't hurting right now, but thanks for thinking of her.

 

She must've been sleeping or working from home.

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AnotherGuy1234

Think I am just going to end it really this time.

 

The "she is not in love with me" eats at me a lot. Like why are you even with me? Because of my stability? Me being a good man?

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Think I am just going to end it really this time.

 

The "she is not in love with me" eats at me a lot. Like why are you even with me? Because of my stability? Me being a good man?

 

 

I think you deserve much better and as long as you'll hang on to this mediocre relationship you'll be preventing yourself from meeting someone genuine that has a real interest in you. You gave it all of your best now it time to let it go.

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Sunlight72

Hi AnotherGuy,

I've been up at my girlfriend's for a few days. I'm offline when I'm there. Things are solid (fun, playful, connected) when we're together. It worked out well to relieve my concerns about the co-worker who flew in from out of town to work one of her projects and stayed in her guest room. In person, talking to her, she shared openly about some of the day to day stuff with work with him and without him, and I got the clear impression she likes him in a friendly, pittying kind of way. I also happened to learn more about how busy she was on her own project while he was around, and some other daily life things that put me at ease concerning her and him. It was tough in my own head to let go of these things before I spent a few hours with her.

 

Fortunately in my situation, I kept the insecurities in my own head, and didn't need to ask her any dramatic questions. During conversation, she shared plenty for me to feel I was right to trust her that it is a friendly, work relationship between them. If I'm overly naive now, I'll change my station when other information comes up. I don't anticipate that, but I'm also not simple minded.

 

I am actively moving us together also, with now a schedule for me to be there 4 days each week, and moving some of my things there. If that goes well, in a few months I'll likely propose, and if she says yes, move my business too, and be there full time.

 

When we're apart, a I tend to let my imagination go to doubtful, worried places due to a lack of the non-verbal time together, and non-verbal reassurances (a glance, a touch, saying, "Sunlight, where are you?" from across the house) that are natural in a close relationship.

 

I don't like that, it really hurts and messes with my head and my heart, so in my case I am doing my best to stay busy with other friends when I'm apart from her, and stay busy with my work. And, I'm rearranging my life to spend significantly more time with her, regularly.

 

She has told her mother that we're getting more serious, and her roommate (also a good friend of hers) that I'm moving there part-time but weekly, and she took me to her aunt's birthday party which was a big family gathering. So, I feel I have enough information that she sees me as a serious love interest for me to move forward with her and see what happens when we are closer. Then I'll have to re-evaluate before the next step (which will be hard, I'm sure. I really like her, and have a lot of hopeful 'plans' and imaginary filters myself).

 

From what you've written, I have a few thoughts, and wishes for you to be able to take more control of your own peace of mind.

 

I don't know if you've called it off with your girlfriend yet, but understand if you have.

 

If not, or in future with someone else -

 

- I'd STRONGLY recommend you more or less stop texting her. Call her on the phone. Speaking with someone is Hugely more connecting and informative than texting. Texting itself is a terrible way to communicate romantically, as it gives such half-impressions, incomplete thoughts and disjointed back and forth that no one can really tell what the heck is going on. I'm not kidding. Stop texting.

 

- You have some pretty distinct expectations around texting. When you text, you want a reply, and a back-and-forth exchange, or else you feel neglected and unloved. The solution is not for you to demand your girlfriend pick up the texting slack, or hope for it. The solution is for you to stop setting yourself up to be disappointed and hurt. You can do this by not texting. Call. Also - do better about Not Having Expectations that she sooth your fears, or help you feel loved and appreciated. That is actually quite a bit of you to expect her to provide several times each week, or each day.

 

When you talk to her (or don't talk to her), if it greatly impacts your feelings of being loved or not, you are asking for too much. You need to get that validation somewhere else. Work, friends, hobbies, volunteering. Maybe I've got an incomplete picture, as of course you've mainly written about your challenges with her, not your other successes in life, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

In a relationship that has lasted as long as yours has, phone conversations should usually be neutral. You're happy when you call, and happy when it's done. Or, you're tired when you call, and tired when it's done. But, that emotion should be your own baseline, not so much affected by her 'performance' for you during the conversation. You shouldn't be calling her when you're down, hoping for the conversation to lift you up. Sometimes it will happen, but you should have methods to bring yourself back to contentment without her. If you don't, practice finding some ways.

 

 

- If you really want to be with her, why do you not live where she lives? A relationship is when two people are together. The rest is imaginary.

 

Everyone gets bored with / tired of / loses connection when they are doing the imaginary relationship over the phone/text/letters/emails. It's not real. Everyone who wants a relationship, wants the in-person experience. You communicate so much more in person than over devices that it doesn't even compare. There is no substitute.

 

- It's good that you trust her when you're not together, however....

 

that matters little in building your relationship. The vast majority of the time of her life is spent Not With You, because You Aren't There. By your own choice, you have left yourself in the position of sometimes, side-benefit. You are not a real presence in her life (from what you've written). She rarely sees you.

 

How can you expect to be 'building a relationship' with her? You aren't there.

 

Some of what I've written is pretty direct, because if you are ready to get real about this you could use some actionable information. The good news is, you could change these things (move to her town, diminish texting, diminish expectations of her replying on your timeline in a way you prefer, and call her when you want to talk to her instead of texting). You don't have to wish she would change these things, you can do it yourself.

 

If you do change these things, then your next Very Important job is to observe her response from a more removed, neutral part of yourself. If she's not that into you, accept it. Don't try to 'understand' it, just accept it.

 

Please realize, you do not have to 'understand' it. I think this is where you are tripping yourself up. Instead of going, "oh, it's like xxxxx", you are going, "I think she will xxxxx because it would make sense if xxxxx". Think less, see more.

 

If she is really happy to be with you, accept that, and also keep building your own life alongside hers. Not sacrificing your whole self to fit into her life.

 

Show yourself what you enjoy doing without her (mens' city sports league, playing music with friends, yardwork, reading, writing, riding your motorcycle, hiking, going to movies, or opera, what ever). This way, both you and she can see more easily if you are a person she wants to spend her future with.

 

I know it's difficult man, I do. We all want to be loved, and so we sometimes (me too) hope we are being loved, instead of observing if we are being loved.

 

However, you have to know who you are, respect yourself, and accept yourself as worthy and important before she can do those things. Otherwise, the love you offer her is actually not very valuable. Be valuable yourself first. Not because she chooses you.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited by Sunlight72
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