I finally blocked him. For good.

[Jk1990]

Deflection from the guilt of being too weak to say no while in a relationship? Check

Blame shifting to the other dude? Check

Keeping in contact with him? Check

Wanting to work it out with boyfriend after cheating? Check

 

I don't think you have truly understood exactly what you did to ruin your relationship and no, I do not think you care.

 

You may fool other people, I'm calling it as I see it.

 

You want to reconcile with your boyfriend, the man you supposedly love? Start with understanding the impact of your betrayal to him. Then realize it's going to take a lot more than a simple "I'm sorry".

 

If he chooses to stay with you and work it out, then I guess be grateful for him and show him that each and every day because most dudes, including myself, would just use you until you left after **** like that happened.

 

I never denied my guilt. I know I’m guilty as hell. I take full responsibility for what I did. Stupid, selfish, careless, and cruel. Need I go on? I’m a big girl, I can admit all of my short comings.

 

As far as blaming the other guy? Yes I blame him to an extent. Believe me, he is not an angel. Should I have worked harder to deny him? Absolutely. Was he wrong in stepping over the line to begin with? Absolutely.

 

And yes I should have cut contact much earlier than I did. Again, poor decision making on my part. But when emotion is involved, clear thoughts are rarely had.

 

Of course I want to work it out! I love my boyfriend. He loves me. That’s why he didn’t leave. I gave him the option and he stayed. I am incredibly grateful to have him and I’m extremely ashamed that it took ****ing up this badly for me to realize what I taking for granted.

 

It seems to me that maybe you have zero tolerance for cheaters and maybe you were cheated on in the past but I don’t want to make assumptions. However, I’ll speak for myself and say I’m not a horrible person and yes, I am capable and willing to change and become better. Because otherwise, what else is there in life?

[Jk1990]

Well I applaud you for being willing to think of your boyfriend and for your honest attempt to make that work.

 

I applaud you effort and commitment to going beyond your own selfishness.

 

And I will encourage you ... to make you take care of yourself and make yourself happy AS MUCH AS you take care bf and work to make him happy.

 

Thriving relationships have to have that balance. I just worry that you're swinging from one pole (selfish affair) to the other (focus on bf and making him happy).

 

You want to focus on yours and bf's happiness. So I'm only encouraging you to not let that guilt over the affair cloud out your own right to be happy. A good relationship has an element of self-interest and selfishness (I'm so happy to be with this person--I'm totally into them) ... and interest in the other person's well being.

 

I used to focus too much on making the other person happy ... and had to learn that my own happiness was quite legitimate and necessary. You might be balancing the other way.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I think you’re right. I’m not exactly happy with the person that I am. I have a lot of self hate for the decisions I’ve made. Unfortunately I have the self destructive habit of sabatoging my own happiness by engaging in really harmful behavior. I used to see a therapist and I probably really need to see one again.

 

I feel like if I had a healthy relationship with myself I wouldn’t have felt the affects of someone else’s attention. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t need it. Or I would have had enough self respect to say no. As well as respect for my relationship.

 

I am extremely happy to be with my boyfriend. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Right now I still feel like I don’t deserve him. And honestly, I don’t know why he even wants to stay with me aside from the fact I know he loves me. Or maybe he just thinks he can’t do better than me. I sincerely hope that’s not the case.

 

I have a lot of self love and care to work on alongside my relationship. I just hope I have the strength in me to do it.

 

Thank you for your positive reply and encouragement.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I never denied my guilt. I know I’m guilty as hell. I take full responsibility for what I did. Stupid, selfish, careless, and cruel. Need I go on? I’m a big girl, I can admit all of my short comings.

 

As far as blaming the other guy? Yes I blame him to an extent. Believe me, he is not an angel. Should I have worked harder to deny him? Absolutely. Was he wrong in stepping over the line to begin with? Absolutely.

 

And yes I should have cut contact much earlier than I did. Again, poor decision making on my part. But when emotion is involved, clear thoughts are rarely had.

 

Of course I want to work it out! I love my boyfriend. He loves me. That’s why he didn’t leave. I gave him the option and he stayed. I am incredibly grateful to have him and I’m extremely ashamed that it took ****ing up this badly for me to realize what I taking for granted.

 

It seems to me that maybe you have zero tolerance for cheaters and maybe you were cheated on in the past but I don’t want to make assumptions. However, I’ll speak for myself and say I’m not a horrible person and yes, I am capable and willing to change and become better. Because otherwise, what else is there in life?

 

Look, I think it's great you're trying. I'll give you that much. Admittance of guilt, and FEELING the guilt are two different things though. If you want things to work out with your boyfriend, you need to FEEL it, not just go through the motions. That's why I'm hammering this point. Most people who get caught in an affair or cheating are upset they got caught, not upset about the actual cheating!

 

You can blame the other guy all you want, but with that mentality, you are simply transferring the guilt you SHOULD feel to someone else. Does he share the blame? Of course he does. However, we're talking about you, aren't we? Shifting the blame to the other guy isn't going to do you any favors. As other posters have pointed out, there will always be another guy hitting on you or is interested in you. Always. The important part is how you handle it. Acknowledging you had an attraction to this guy, but not letting it develop or go further is part of that process.

 

A woman with integrity? A woman with integrity is someone that knows she did wrong, made the wrong choices, is now paying for those choices, and wants to do better for it. If I didn’t have any integrity, I would feel no remorse for what I did and wouldn’t bother to change to become a better person.

 

A woman with integrity doesn't make that mistake to begin with. You've passed that point, quit acting like you are a woman with integrity. You are doing damage control.

 

Can you grow to become a woman with integrity again? Yes. When the next guy hits on you and you're feeling vulnerable while in a committed relationship, I hope your integrity kicks in before it becomes null and void.

 

Yes, I have very little sympathy for people who have cheated on me. There's only a few women in my life (two, I think)I've given that second chance to. However, the ones who got the second chance were the ones who admitted what was going on and truly felt guilt and ashamed by it rather than having it end only because he moved away.

 

From what you wrote, you were emotionally involved with a coworker, lied to your man for however long, cheated on him countless times, couldn't say no because he kept contacting you, and finally it ended and you're ready to heal because he left the company, none of which initiated by YOU.

 

So, you can fool the other people here but I'm calling bull****.

[Jk1990]

Look, I think it's great you're trying. I'll give you that much. Admittance of guilt, and FEELING the guilt are two different things though. If you want things to work out with your boyfriend, you need to FEEL it, not just go through the motions. That's why I'm hammering this point. Most people who get caught in an affair or cheating are upset they got caught, not upset about the actual cheating!

 

You can blame the other guy all you want, but with that mentality, you are simply transferring the guilt you SHOULD feel to someone else. Does he share the blame? Of course he does. However, we're talking about you, aren't we? Shifting the blame to the other guy isn't going to do you any favors. As other posters have pointed out, there will always be another guy hitting on you or is interested in you. Always. The important part is how you handle it. Acknowledging you had an attraction to this guy, but not letting it develop or go further is part of that process.

 

 

 

A woman with integrity doesn't make that mistake to begin with. You've passed that point, quit acting like you are a woman with integrity. You are doing damage control.

 

Can you grow to become a woman with integrity again? Yes. When the next guy hits on you and you're feeling vulnerable while in a committed relationship, I hope your integrity kicks in before it becomes null and void.

 

Yes, I have very little sympathy for people who have cheated on me. There's only a few women in my life (two, I think)I've given that second chance to. However, the ones who got the second chance were the ones who admitted what was going on and truly felt guilt and ashamed by it rather than having it end only because he moved away.

 

From what you wrote, you were emotionally involved with a coworker, lied to your man for however long, cheated on him countless times, couldn't say no because he kept contacting you, and finally it ended and you're ready to heal because he left the company, none of which initiated by YOU.

 

So, you can fool the other people here but I'm calling bull****.

 

I’m sorry but how do you know I DONT feel guilty? I feel like an absolute piece of ****. I actually tried to break Up with my boyfriend. Because I felt so horrible about what happened and felt I didn’t deserve him.

 

Also, I never got caught. I confessed to him. I told him everything that happened. Did it happen more than once. Yes. Did I lie to him. Yes. As I said, it was a horrible vicious cycle that I was stuck in. That is also why I tried breaking up with my boyfriend. Because I really didn’t know if I was in love with him anymore because this **** kept happening. I even told my boyfriend I wanted to leave my job and he told me to stay and just try my best to avoid the coworker. When he left the company the cycle was still happening. So yes, him leaving finally broke it. Call bull**** all you want to. I don’t deny any responsibility and I certainly don’t feel good about anything that’s happened.

 

But once again. I will defend myself and say I am not a horrible person and yes I can and will change. Your and everyone else’s judgment of me is motivation enough, though I don’t know you.

[Imajerk17]

OP, somethings for you to think about:

 

1. You actually said a lot of the right things in your thread from last summer. But you went ahead and cheated anyway. What steps are you taking so that you will not cheat again?

 

2. How did your boyfriend find out about your affair. Were you the one who told him? (Nevermind I just saw your response above. That you went ahead and told him yourself is a positive)

 

3. What are you doing to make it up to your boyfriend. After all this it is uneven, as it should be. Hopefully you are the one who is making the extra effort and who is meeting your boyfriend more than halfway.

 

Meanwhile you need to lose ALL sympathy for OM. He was the one who helped you betray your boyfriend. And yes I would still seriously consider finding a new job. It may not be an easy or simple thing to do, but if you want to fix this you will have to do many things that are not easy nor simple.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Jk1990]

OP, somethings for you to think about:

 

1. You actually said a lot of the right things in your thread from last summer. But you went ahead and cheated anyway. What steps are you taking so that you will not cheat again?

 

2. How did your boyfriend find out about your affair. Were you the one who told him? (Nevermind I just saw your response above. That you went ahead and told him yourself is a positive)

 

3. What are you doing to make it up to your boyfriend. After all this it is uneven, as it should be. Hopefully you are the one who is making the extra effort and who is meeting your boyfriend more than halfway.

 

Meanwhile you need to lose ALL sympathy for OM. He was the one who helped you betray your boyfriend. And yes I would still seriously consider finding a new job. It may not be an easy or simple thing to do, but if you want to fix this you will have to do many things that are not easy nor simple.

 

I will for sure be thinking about those things. I already have been. There are things I've been doing lately that actually are improving my relationship already and I plan on continuing to try as hard as I can. I do have confidence that we can mend what's been damaged.

 

I don't have any more energy to even THINK about OM. I have allowed the situation with him to steal much of my life over the past several months. I don't think I can feel much anymore as I am literally exhausted. I am definitely considering looking for new work. It makes me uncomfortable to hear OM brought up in conversation with current coworkers and to know that he may still ask about me. I never want to hear his name spoken again.

[Imajerk17]

I will for sure be thinking about those things. I already have been. There are things I've been doing lately that actually are improving my relationship already and I plan on continuing to try as hard as I can. I do have confidence that we can mend what's been damaged.

 

I don't have any more energy to even THINK about OM. I have allowed the situation with him to steal much of my life over the past several months. I don't think I can feel much anymore as I am literally exhausted. I am definitely considering looking for new work. It makes me uncomfortable to hear OM brought up in conversation with current coworkers and to know that he may still ask about me. I never want to hear his name spoken again.

Considering looking for another job? Let me take back what I said previously, you instead have to be ACTUALLY looking for another job, right now. There must be no "considering".

 

You just cannot stay where you are, after all that happened.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Malin889]

Maybe you should break off your relationship and be alone for awhile? I feel your guilt for having an affair and thus trying to make things up with your boyfriend may not make you happy, but may just be guilt stemming from your affair. You weren't happy before, hence why you had an affair. So how can you be happy now?

 

You will never get things back to "normal", unfortunately. Your boyfriend will always be looking over his shoulder, and he'll never trust you again. I know you don't want to hear another person say this, but it's probably best to move on and break up, for both of your sakes. I think you both need space. Eventually, you may come back together, but for now, give each other space to breathe, to think. Your boyfriend is probably thinking about your affair non-stop and the last think he wants is you breathing down his neck "making things up to him." Give HIM time to think, time to relax, time to forgive. Even if he thinks he doesn't need it. He does!

Edited June 20, 2018 by Malin889

[DKT3]

The thing is, you've never wanted to end the affair. Still don't. If you did your actions would match your words. Even when you talk about blocking him its with reservations. It's clear that you are doing this because you think it's the right thing to do and not out of any love for your boyfriend.

 

You say he stayed after to have him a chance to leave. Sorry but its not over. It generally takes a man around 10 months to leave a cheating partner. The competitiveness in men drives us to win, once won we realize it wasn't worth the fight. It's hard to reconcile love and betrayal. Your boyfriend is having an internal battle everyday to stay, you're not helping. Only if he is an idiot will he not realize the new found attention is your effort to get him to stay, but really your behavior hasn't changed. That's why the saying once a cheater. Cheaters don't change the behavior, they simply think not fking is not cheating so it's all better.

[Versacehottie]

It's the mess YOU created. That means YOU need to do the work to fix it. Stop blaming the coworker for mess that you still need to deal with. It was you that had the responsibility to your bf and if you are actually trying to make things work with your bf, YOU need to do the hard work. A message through a mutual co-worker shouldn't derail you if being with your bf is what you want and are WILLING to work for.

 

For all the damage you caused, it sounds really entitled and selfish to say such a thing. Do you best with the blocking and do some more. The fact that this co-worker is sending a message here and there is hardly the BIG problem. Big problem will be repairing the trust with the one you say you love. Frankly to be complaining about that now and "wanting your life back", you sound really selfish and like you didn't learn the lesson. Your mess, you fix.

[Jk1990]

I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to this. I won’t be replying to anymore individual posts. I read and understood everyone’s opinions. Some I agree with, some I do not. At the end of the day I am my own person and my life is to do with what I will. If I need more advice I’ll seek an objective, unbiased professional. I wish everyone well.

[preraph]

Mistakes were made, but in the end he didn't respect your wish to not hear from him, so stop feeling guilty. You did what you had to do.

 

Now, since your husband has stood next to you through this, all the experts say that you must do full transparancy to have any chance of really regaining his full trust again, so I'm just telling you this because you're still thinking mostly about this guy you blocked and the trauma of that, but now you need to unlock your phone and give it to your husband and tell him you want him to look at it anytime he wants, and your email and whatever social media as well. It takes extreme measures to regain someone's trust. Even if he protests, you tell him, No, I want you to. I messed up. It will help me trust myself as well.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

Me leaving my boyfriend would be me giving up on the relationship. I love him and I want to be with him. He feels the same for me. We’re working through our issues together.

 

And no, I’m not over the other guy. That’s why I need no contact with him. If I had wanted to, I could have been with him. But I don’t want to. However that doesn’t negate the fact I grew to care for him. Im just trying to detach myself emotionally from him so I can focus on my relationship.

 

If I can’t get over these feelings, I’m not sure my relationship will get better. But I’m not giving up now.

 

You may love your bf but you are not in love with him. If you were you wouldn't have cheated on him with the other guy, pinning over the other guy and now after you block him you're still carrying the torch. I don't go for excuses like "he should have left me alone"; no you are in control of your own self and your own actions. The OM is not making you do anything. If you are only keeping your bf because he has unconditional love for you you are never going to be happy.

[smackie9]

Seek out a therapist...at least give it a try. It's pretty obvious you have a lot of emotions you are having trouble dealing with and need to sort out. Jibber jabbering to strangers on the net isn't going to resolve this.

 

 

 

I feel you are going nowhere because you are not forced to go forward. Your BF is letting you walk all over him and the relationship. There are no consequences to your cheating behavior. He keeps taking you back and forgiving you...this is bad. This is why you are struggling.

[ExpatInItaly]

In terms of your boyfriend and his knowledge of this affair, the worst is yet to come for you, OP.

 

He's still processing. The really hard work will begin when the gravity of what happened sets in and he starts questioning and doubting everything about you and your entire relationship. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. That is when you will really be put to the test in terms of your renewed commitment to him.

[preraph]

Seek out a therapist...at least give it a try. It's pretty obvious you have a lot of emotions you are having trouble dealing with and need to sort out. Jibber jabbering to strangers on the net isn't going to resolve this.

 

 

 

I feel you are going nowhere because you are not forced to go forward. Your BF is letting you walk all over him and the relationship. There are no consequences to your cheating behavior. He keeps taking you back and forgiving you...this is bad. This is why you are struggling.

 

Oh, he's going to blow one of these days and also use it for leverage. that's why it's better to just give him everything he needs now. Therapy, yes, maybe for both of them.

[Imajerk17]

In terms of your boyfriend and his knowledge of this affair, the worst is yet to come for you, OP.

 

He's still processing. The really hard work will begin when the gravity of what happened sets in and he starts questioning and doubting everything about you and your entire relationship. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. That is when you will really be put to the test in terms of your renewed commitment to him.

 

Yes indeed, pretty much this.

 

Right now OP's boyfriend is still shellshocked. He has not really processed what has happened. He probably blamed himself for her pulling away when she was in her affair. When he found all this out he may have actually been relieved (as crazy as it may sound) to know what was happening and to have a second chance with her.

 

But when he processes about what OP did some more....watch out. That anger is going to erupt like a volcano. OP disrespected him for another man!

 

I especially agree w what @smackie said....that her boyfriend is right now being so *ahem* Nice about it isn't helping her. I'm not really seeing any consequences (right now anyway) and so OP is left spinning in her guilt/feelings for OM.

 

In any event I'd tell OP's boyfriend to move on away from the OP. She still seems self-absorbed (she wants *her* life back?? What about her boyfriend's feelings??) and she STILL doesn't seem aware of ALL the pain she has caused. There are plenty of women out there who won't cheat.

Edited June 21, 2018 by Imajerk17

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Yes indeed, pretty much this.

 

Right now OP's boyfriend is still shellshocked. He has not really processed what has happened. He probably blamed himself for her pulling away when she was in her affair. When he found all this out he may have actually been relieved (as crazy as it may sound) to know what was happening and to have a second chance with her.

 

But when he processes about what OP did some more....watch out. That anger is going to erupt like a volcano. OP disrespected him for another man!

 

I especially agree w what @smackie said....that her boyfriend is right now being so *ahem* Nice about it isn't helping her. I'm not really seeing any consequences (right now anyway) and so OP is left spinning in her guilt/feelings for OM.

 

In any event I'd tell OP's boyfriend to move on away from the OP. She still seems self-absorbed (she wants *her* life back?? What about her boyfriend's feelings??) and she STILL doesn't seem aware of ALL the pain she has caused. There are plenty of women out there who won't cheat.

 

I agree with most of what you said.

 

She detailed a thread last summer basically stating she was on the verge of having an affair. Everyone told her not to. She went and did it anyway. (I didn't even know this when I first replied until someone pointed it out!!!) She didn't end the affair; he's just no longer in the immediate vicinity. She STILL was entertaining his communication because she still has feelings for him.

 

Now she wants her life back the way she used to have it?

 

That's not remorse, that's entitlement.

 

I'll go ahead and tell her that blocking him was a good idea and a good start to moving on. However, I call bull**** on the rest of it.

[Leigh 87]

I just have to comment on a theme of posters on this website... everyone really seems to be a fan of breaking up and ending relationships. I wonder if that’s just a common theme in society in general these days. Hence why so many marriages end in divorce.

 

I’m not planning on being part of a statistic.

 

Not sure I’m going to get an comfort, clarity, or closure from posting here if everyone’s solution is just to walk away. It’s incredibly disheartening. I suppose that’s what happens with objective strangers on the internet.

 

Not saying I don’t appreciate the comments and advice. Just wondering why everyone seems to want relationships to fail if they’re not perfect. Or if the people in them are struggling. Nothing in life is as black and white as people seem to want to believe and get others to believe too.

 

 

Are you serious?

 

There have been times where I despised my fiancee. The way he eats is so annoying. We stopped having sex at times altogether. We broke up too at one stage for real.

 

He is a recovering addict and had anger issues.

 

So sure - I am a fan of making things work, rather than throwing them away. But there is monogamy and then there is polygamy - cheating is just too deep of a cut to mend in my personal opinion. MAYBE if you are together 15 plus years and have kids and are otherwise very happy, albeit it has gotten a bit stale then maybe.. MAYBE I could excuse cheating...

 

But you have been together for 3 years....You are not even engaged or married and have no children - yet you have already succumbed to the temptation of thrilling new chemistry with another man...

 

I personally LOVE the thrill of new chemistry, where the guy wants me really badly and thinks I am amazing. The new buzz of a man fancying you and wanting to do dirty things to you is thrilling - it is also something you give up for the right partner. No matter how tough it gets.

 

As I mentioned - I have despised my fiancee at times, and whilst I believe on working on relationships (as we have done), I think cheating is NOT something people should just "work through" by default.

 

It is not just one of these "issues" that couples need to work harder to get past. I personally draw the line at cheating and physically being abused. Most other things can be worked on for me.

 

Cheating changes everything. It is never the same again after.

 

I am not sure I can ever associate cheating as just one of those " silly relationships blunders" that couples should always "work on".

 

You need someone who you truly love and get the warm and fuzzy and secure and comfortable feeling from - AND you ALSO need someone who turns you on enough for you to not have to cheat. It is only THREE YEARS - sorry but there is next to 0 chance of you refraining from cheating after 20 years if you cannot keep it in your pants after 3....

 

So yeah, cheating is not just one of those issues couples should "work on", entirely different level of betrayal and pain.

 

The victims entire world comes crashing down for the cheaters own selfish gain - it is not the same as cancer or sudden disabilities or illness that couples work through. It is calculated and deliberate.

 

Sheesh, there are plenty of times I got bored initially in my relationship - long term commitment can be boring at times I missed the thrill of new encounters but there comes a point where you are either all in, or you're not.

 

I cannot relate and feel a real disconnect between the natural inclination to MISS the newness of new encounters, versus actually allowing yourself to go through with it...The former can be worked through and IS just one of those " relationship things" that can be resolved..

 

Just my opinion, after also being with my fiancee for 3 years. As sh*t as things got between us, cheating was never an option. And we both struggled with the notion of monogamy at one stage in the relationship.

[Leigh 87]

I personally feel as though the OP's BF is a pushover and too much of a "nice guy" which is, more than likely, the reason she feels so much comfort with him....

 

I really don't know if I could respect a guy if I cheated on them after such a short relationship and he was super keen to take me back:confused:

 

Me being pounded by another man is enough to make my fiancee hate me and never want to talk to me again:lmao:

[Highndry]

There also seems to be a lot of sentiment on this board of 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. (You haven't said explicitly, but you have strongly implied that you cheated on your bf with the coworker.) Yes, a lot of posters here believe (not necessarily 'want') certain relationships are doomed. And one of the main factors in that judgement (along with abuse) is cheating. Be careful about where you throw your rocks.

 

 

Count me as one of them. A leopard doesn't change its spots. It's a character and morality issue. Sure, there are always statistical outliers, but for the most part there are cheaters, and there are those who don't cheat. It's really that straight forward.