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In your experience, is it possible to get another shot after going full-on beta?

lo3223

By lo3223
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lo3223 Member

lo3223

Posted
Posted

A year or so ago I met a wonderful woman (I'm 27, she's 30), and we had a thing for awhile. It never got to the serious/relationship stage but there was some physicality and lots of emotions involved.

 

Unfortunately - I ultimately screwed things up by becoming too attached and pushy, and she ran away. I was fine with it - you live and learn.

 

Fast forward today, and we recently began communicating again after months of NC (she initiated). Basically, I cannot help but feel the chemistry is still there. I will spare details, and I'm probably just seeing what I want to see. But for the sake of my post lets hypothetically say she's testing the waters.

 

Is there potential for a relationship to bloom again after screwing up like I have? (I.e. being too clingy.) Has anyone here had a positive experience or outcome after things went to **** the first time around?

 

The important thing is that I really do feel much more confident and happy since our last endeavor. I learned a lot from the experience so I'm confident the second time around things would go differently. But that's just it - I'd need that 2nd chance.

 

Looking for both perspectives - men and women - thank you for reading :)

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

No there is not... any way to get this back...

 

Don't do that...

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I hate this beta - alpha thing but . . .

 

Since she reached out to you maybe there is a way to reclaim this. First, do not talk about it. Second, do everything differently this time. Don't chase her as much but do express interest, It's a fine line. Third, take the lead in certain things. Arrange dates more confidently. Not wanna hang out? What do you wanna do? Instead say would you like to go to {x place} with me on {date}?

  • Like 3
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Can you clarify, in which ways were you clingy or pushy before?

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lo3223 Member

lo3223

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I hate this beta - alpha thing but . . .

 

Since she reached out to you maybe there is a way to reclaim this. First, do not talk about it. Second, do everything differently this time. Don't chase her as much but do express interest, It's a fine line. Third, take the lead in certain things. Arrange dates more confidently. Not wanna hang out? What do you wanna do? Instead say would you like to go to {x place} with me on {date}?

 

I've actually been semi-regretting my post title after I posted it. I don't really follow the whole alpha-beta thing either but figured it got the message across about the problem I had.

 

Thank you for your response.

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lo3223 Member

lo3223

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Can you clarify, in which ways were you clingy or pushy before?

 

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Primarily just very touchy, for example always wanting to hold hands. She never made it explicitly clear that I was going overboard as such, but looking back there were "signs" that she wasn't always cool with it that were going over my head in the moment

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted (edited)

OP you can do whatever you want too if you want to be with this woman. It's how you do and say it the question. We men makes the crazy mistakes ever. Some women might say yes and some might say no. it depends how much the woman really was with you. Like, love and in love. For you that's the question there are ways to get that out of them so you know where you stand. I always do that to find out where things are going.

 

Alpha Man

Fada Man

Beta Man

 

Fada man I say this is the type who's in between both Alpha and Beta. Need to have some guts to be this because you don't want to come off as to weak, needy, clingy and some strong minded women just will see you as a dud.

 

I say go with your heart and do what you want but if you really want to be with this woman then get your self as Fada Man.. I am that sort of man.. I stand up and kinda tell them where I going to take them. I am not rude but I say it because it has to be said. With the Toxic women out there they have to be told off and if your Beta Man you will never survive their encounter. You have to be a Fada Man with a Toxic woman. Oh yes Toxic Woman don't cheat on you but they can make sure you don't cheat on them or fool around a lot of them are very jealous and will question everything you do. The other type of women will not be that way but at lease you know with a Toxic woman where you stand.

 

I should write a online book about this.. LOL

 

My advise just be yourself but watch what you say and do around this woman you want to be with. Learn to back off and don't be clingy with her or needy. Just don't do it.

Edited by coolheadal
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
Primarily just very touchy, for example always wanting to hold hands. She never made it explicitly clear that I was going overboard as such, but looking back there were "signs" that she wasn't always cool with it that were going over my head in the moment

 

That's not being clingy or beta. That is being tactile. Some people are touchy feely & some people are more standoffish. To those of us who don't like being pawed at constant touches are unwelcome but even when we don't like it, as we care more about the person doing it & feel more secure in that person, it grows less annoying.

 

 

If that was your biggest sin, absolutely keep talking to her but don't constantly touch her. Save that for private time. She may also be somebody who does not like PDA. Respect that.

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

Yes you could resurrect and good if she is the one who got in touch with you (better chance of). You are going to need to do things differently though. Two important things: show you have your own life and are confident. Second thing: weird about the holding hands thing, makes me worried she is not attracted to you physically or is frigid in general. However, assuming she is neither of those things, sometimes guys I think do this without taking into account the actual "moment". They become so intent on pushing their agenda of moving things forward physically that there is no "purpose" for when they grab a hand or show PDA. (i know that once you are dating it really doesn't matter & is typically a welcome thing). I think it's best done like a dance, if that makes sense. There have to be little emotional or conversational moments as the impetus for PDA otherwise it feels pushy, unnecessary, unwelcome--especially if someone is averse and sensitive about it in general. Err on side of not so much. Anyway, if you are starting back as friends, this shouldn't be an issue. Good luck

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

So, since your thing ended, how many women have you dated and what have you learned? For example, the woman making heavy eye contact, etc....

 

'Another shot' will turn on compatibility and attraction. If you're still the same guy she ran away from and she's still the same lady, then don't expect much.

lolococo New Member

lolococo

Posted
Posted

Unless there were other things there that were compatible (hobbies, interests, friends, work, etc.) I'm not sure I'd go for a round 2. People don't change that much - and that includes you! You will probably fall into the same pattern that you did the first time. Unless one or both of you have matured a bit and are willing to make compromises.

  • Like 1
Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted

Don't be a text pester.

 

The thing is if you're a touch physical type and she isn't how much chemistry could there be except on your end.

 

I think if I was going for this I'd be upfront. Let her take it or leave it.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Not with her but take the lesson and learn from it.

RideTheLightening Member

RideTheLightening

Posted
Posted
Thank you for your response.

Primarily just very touchy, for example always wanting to hold hands. She never made it explicitly clear that I was going overboard as such, but looking back there were "signs" that she wasn't always cool with it that were going over my head in the moment

 

Being touchy is good.... Who told you this is Beta behavior?

 

I mean the Alpha-Beta thing is good for newbies to conceptualize what's going on in dating. Just understand that it's not a rigid inflexible thing.

 

If the woman is reaching out to you... then you obviously have a shot. Just be polite but aggressive. Go for what you want.

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted

A woman who wants you that badly doesn't run from you dude,

She'd be happy to communicate and she'd be anything but rude,

If you see something with her and you want to be with her, then do it,

Otherwise, stop second guessing yourself and instead, just say screw it.

Normm Established Member

Normm

Posted
Posted

You're a clingy, needy, insecure guy.

 

 

 

That's not going to change.

 

 

You need to find a woman who is willing to put up with that.

 

 

 

The woman who is the subject of this thread clearly is not that type.

 

 

So the short answer is "No".

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted
A year or so ago I met a wonderful woman (I'm 27, she's 30), and we had a thing for awhile. It never got to the serious/relationship stage but there was some physicality and lots of emotions involved.

 

Unfortunately - I ultimately screwed things up by becoming too attached and pushy, and she ran away. I was fine with it - you live and learn.

 

Fast forward today, and we recently began communicating again after months of NC (she initiated). Basically, I cannot help but feel the chemistry is still there. I will spare details, and I'm probably just seeing what I want to see. But for the sake of my post lets hypothetically say she's testing the waters.

 

Is there potential for a relationship to bloom again after screwing up like I have? (I.e. being too clingy.) Has anyone here had a positive experience or outcome after things went to **** the first time around?

 

The important thing is that I really do feel much more confident and happy since our last endeavor. I learned a lot from the experience so I'm confident the second time around things would go differently. But that's just it - I'd need that 2nd chance.

 

Looking for both perspectives - men and women - thank you for reading :)

 

I disagree with the majority, she's entertaining your talks,

Obviously from this, you can expect she's not about to walk,

If she lost respect for you, you'll notice this through her behavior,

If that's the case, then move along, don't expect her to be your savior.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
Being touchy is good.... Who told you this is Beta behavior?

 

I mean the Alpha-Beta thing is good for newbies to conceptualize what's going on in dating. Just understand that it's not a rigid inflexible thing.

 

If the woman is reaching out to you... then you obviously have a shot. Just be polite but aggressive. Go for what you want.

 

Actually I have to disagree. Being touchy isn't always good--however you name it. There are guys who do this by rote and almost being completely clueless about what is going on right in front of them and the mood. If she is on the fence it will turn a girl off quite fast. These kind of guys that do this think that by reaching benchmarks of physicality they are progressing the relationship. Not so at all. The touchiness is either welcome or unwelcome. It will not advance his cause if it is not welcome just because he "got away with it". It's cringeworthy if you have ever been on the other end of it or sat near a couple on a first date or so when this is what is obviously going on.

 

So for lack of a better word it is not Beta because a guy that is willing to try it has the guts (i.e. dissimilar to a typical Beta guy). BUT it is Beta, in that he lacks the game and cognition to know whether the affection will be welcome and to create a moment & vibe in which it will be. I know these type of guys can convince themselves that the girls who didn't like it are not affectionate or not into PDA with them, but nah it's just cringeworthy. Often it's that exact awkwardness which is what is the turnoff. Just sat near a guy/couple like this last night (roll eyes).

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Being clingy/touchy isn't good and usually boils down to a guy constantly "testing" to see if you still like him and reminds me of a toddler always trying to get your attention back when you are even briefly focused on something else. Yes, I'm saying it's infantile. It's not sexy. It's needy/clingy.

 

If you get a second chance, don't do it.

Don't follow her around the house.

Don't ever follow her to the bathroom.

Don't hover when she's on the phone.

Don't text her constantly to make yourself feel better that she's still there.

 

There's a big difference between a guy who puts his arm around your shoulders briefly when you're out or takes your hand and a guy who comes at you to get your attention back OR because he's marking his territory or just is continually pawing you at inappropriate times, like when you're trying to work or on the phone with someone, trying to get you to focus on him.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
Being clingy/touchy isn't good and usually boils down to a guy constantly "testing" to see if you still like him and reminds me of a toddler always trying to get your attention back when you are even briefly focused on something else. Yes, I'm saying it's infantile. It's not sexy. It's needy/clingy.

 

If you get a second chance, don't do it.

Don't follow her around the house.

Don't ever follow her to the bathroom.

Don't hover when she's on the phone.

Don't text her constantly to make yourself feel better that she's still there.

 

There's a big difference between a guy who puts his arm around your shoulders briefly when you're out or takes your hand and a guy who comes at you to get your attention back OR because he's marking his territory or just is continually pawing you at inappropriate times, like when you're trying to work or on the phone with someone, trying to get you to focus on him.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes i agree it feels like testing and very one dimensional. Guys with game seem to never have to do this (and some of them are shy & nice guys--they just read people way better).

  • Like 1
geckojohn Member

geckojohn

Posted
Posted (edited)

Why change? A gir should appreciate who you are. If she doesn't appreciate your real self, then you deserve someone better. Your real self will come out eventually

Edited by geckojohn
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