Was my comment that insensitive? Best way to reach out for damage control?

[Romantic_Antics]

As a cereal dater you should've known that mentioning the Chex would get you in trouble. You need to start thinking outside the box.

[Lotsgoingon]

Early on she talked about how her brothers would take her out and buy her expensive dinners, telling her that's what she deserves and only deserves the best. How her dad provides for her mom and makes sure she's always taken care of. Said she wants space and independence but still wants that treatment. After hearing that I kind of felt obligated to pay because I was worried and knew she'd think less if I didn't.

 

Ok brother, lesson right here ... It's not your job to get into worrying if she'd think less of you.

 

Or flip it: why didn't she pay 50-50 or at least more often out of worry that YOU'D think less of her? And why didn't she think that especially you're paying and not even dating her?

 

You want to decide and think about whether you want to play someone else's game ... You want to play your game. And basically your game is gonna involve spending time and energy with people who are immediately open to dating. None of this "eventually" stuff.

 

BTW: I'm still NOT hearing her directly say, "I will only go out with you if you pay." I've hung out with plenty of "traditional" women (whatever that means) who pay half and more than half. Plenty.

 

If she's gonna date, it will have nothing to do with whether you are paying for platonic outings with her. Don't go down that route.

 

So what do you want in a relationship? Let's ask that question. Are you really interested in a woman this traditional?

[preraph]

It was just her brothers. Her father was very strict and never showed her much appreciation, just set ultra high standards and acted like that was expected.

 

My best friend met her a few weeks ago. He thinks the situation is quite interesting. His opinion was that she pretends to be very humble but isn't, considers herself on a pedestal. Has internal conflict because she's always try to project how happy she is and has zero confidence.

 

Also, a month ago she said "You're everything I'm looking for in a guy and it scares me". A few days later she denied saying it?! Two weeks ago she joked with a server saying "he doesn't like seafood, he's not boyfriend material". She makes these bold statements fairly often that seem to indicate she's thinking about me more than just a friend. This is what keeps me guessing.

 

breadcrumbs to keep the gravy train comin'.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As a cereal dater you should've known that mentioning the Chex would get you in trouble. You need to start thinking outside the box.

 

I'm not saying she's a Froot Loop, but unless he really Kraves a Kix in the butt for Life, he should consider saying, "Cheerio!" She may not be his true and Total Honeycomb. But then again, she could be his Lucky Charm. Love goes Kaboom sometimes!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

They guarded her virginity too? (don't answer)

 

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

I hope not! It does sound like she was reared in a certain way, though, to expect to be put on a pedestal. This is not a realistic expectation to have.

[Romantic_Antics]

I'm not saying she's a Froot Loop, but unless he really Kraves a Kix in the butt for Life, he should consider saying, "Cheerio!" She may not be his true and Total Honeycomb. But then again, she could be his Lucky Charm. Love goes Kaboom sometimes!

 

Show off.

[cereal_dater]

Last time we saw each other that day, we discussing a trip to Europe and other fun summer adventures. It stings to think about.

 

I wonder if she's thinking about me, wondering when/if I'll reach out again, or if I just mean nothing and am already forgotten..

[Versacehottie]

Last time we saw each other that day, we discussing a trip to Europe and other fun summer adventures. It stings to think about.

 

I wonder if she's thinking about me, wondering when/if I'll reach out again, or if I just mean nothing and am already forgotten..

 

Listen, you are just too over-invested. I do think she is stringing you along a bit. I don't think she is being intentional about it, but i don't think she feels a need to decide and is a bit princess-y about it all. Traditional can be fine. But there are plenty of girls who choose the traditional route and you would still know they are YOURS, get some low level affection etc. This girl is putting you in LIMBO. F*ck that. This lil argument could be your best friend. It has put you at a crossroads--to get your answer. Pull way way back. Be friendly and cordial if you here from her. Correct your mistake of that dumb statement you said. But apart from that pull back and make her come to you. My guess is that if she doesn't now, she never will. I'm 70/30 that she will make her way to you. I'm an optimist though so maybe realistically 60/40. She won't come to you, if you keep kissing her a** and jumping through her nonsense hoops.

 

Generosity is good but you are acting like a guy who is courting her right now, when you are dating lots of that drops off bc of just pure economics. So if you are really dating in near future how long does she expect you to continue paying??? Basically she is using up her months right now where you pay to court her--when you are bf/gf she is going to have to pony up or is she going to become real demanding??? No. that doesn't seem fair. Anyway, pull back

[Highndry]

After reading the whole thread, this gal was using you. I doubt she would ever contact you again. I don't know why you're torturing yourself even thinking about her, she's given you nothing. There are so many better women out there, why are you wasting your time with this "Fruit Loop?"

[Logo]

cereal_dater,

 

Here's what's happening here. In your mind, you have already made her your girlfriend. You're emotionally invested in her and are doing your best to try to please her and make her feel comfortable hoping she would change, warm up to you and finally say, "Let's be an exclusive couple in a romantic relationship".

 

The bad news is that after 6 months it's clear that her feelings and emotional investment do not match yours.

 

You seem like a nice, loving, caring and generous guy, but you're not seeing what's happening right in front of your own eyes.

 

 

This "relationship" is not going where you want it to go. I'm sorry, but she's mislead you and she's been building up and building up your expectations to the point that you're so hard on yourself because of a comment you made, when in reality you should be patting yourself on the back for finally saying something.

 

What you said probably wasn't the best way to communicate how you feel about the relationship in general, only because you left out a lot that should have been said, such as how you feel about being 'just friends' when in reality you want it to be more than that.

 

All that talk about her brother taking her out for expensive dinners because that's what she deserves doesn't pass the smell test. In other words, she wants another brother (you) to take her out for expensive dinners. Do you see where this is going?

 

At this point, if she doesn't call you or contact you, count your blessings and move on. If she does, tell her that you've thought things over and decided that it's time for you two to go your separate ways, friends or no friends.

 

And next time, try not to plunk down 100% on dinner. If the person you're going on a date with doesn't offer to split it by the the second date, then you need to ask her if she'd like to split it. Be assertive. It's an attractive trait.

 

 

Or at the very least, you alternate. She pays for one date, you pay for the next. You get the idea.

 

Generally speaking, this entire let's start as friends and see where it goes....Is a waste of time. And the lack of physical contact of any sort is another indicator as to where the relationship is headed and how the other person has already defined it - Platonic.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Logo

[guest569]

I don’t get it. If a woman tells you that you’re only friends, believe her. If you carry on waiting and hoping for potential then it’s on you.

[kendahke]

Or flip it: why didn't she pay 50-50 or at least more often out of worry that YOU'D think less of her?

 

 

If this is about keeping score, then this relationship is done and over.

[cereal_dater]

I must say, reading all these responses has made me feel much better. For months this situation has been nothing but a boatload of stress and anxiety because I am over-invested. What to text, when to text, will she reply, trying to psychoanalyze every word and movement, making the right move, all while feeling like eggshells because I know she's fickle.

 

I would rather keep her as a friend than lose her altogether. My friends think I should text and ask her to meet up this weekend like nothing's wrong. I want to, mostly just to find out whether she'll reply.

 

Another part of me wants to let her miss me and be the one to reach out, do a hard reset with a few weeks or longer of little to no contact. Not sure if she's the type to reach out, but we didn't talk for 2-3 weeks back in March after she suddenly pulled way back, then reached out after a few weeks of no contact.

 

What's the consensus on whether or not I should text her this week?

 

 

 

 

 

Correct your mistake of that dumb statement you said.

 

How do I do this?

[kendahke]

 

What's the consensus on whether or not I should text her this week?

 

I vote for don't.

 

Texting her buttresses the obvious--that you like her and want to date her. What you don't know and what this whole thread is about is how she truly feels about you and you rushing in constantly to fill that void will never lead to her arsing herself of her own volition--because given enough time, you'll turn up.

[Versacehottie]

I must say, reading all these responses has made me feel much better. For months this situation has been nothing but a boatload of stress and anxiety because I am over-invested. What to text, when to text, will she reply, trying to psychoanalyze every word and movement, making the right move, all while feeling like eggshells because I know she's fickle.

 

I would rather keep her as a friend than lose her altogether. My friends think I should text and ask her to meet up this weekend like nothing's wrong. I want to, mostly just to find out whether she'll reply.

 

Another part of me wants to let her miss me and be the one to reach out, do a hard reset with a few weeks or longer of little to no contact. Not sure if she's the type to reach out, but we didn't talk for 2-3 weeks back in March after she suddenly pulled way back, then reached out after a few weeks of no contact.

 

What's the consensus on whether or not I should text her this week?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do I do this?

 

Well I wrote that when I gave my first advice to you. Now that you have written more, I'm conflicted myself. I went back to see how you smoothed or tried to smooth thing over on the night and the days afterward. Important: she said she is "over it" but is not acting over it. She is stonewalling you by not answering to your last text--unless that is normal for her (in which case she has overall issues, which we already know that she kind of does). So as far as what you should say, and assuming your intention is to preserve the friendship, I think just be honest--something to the effect of I guess I have been doing things in hopes that we would be able to have relationship like a bf would which is where that insensitive comment came from.

 

But here's the thing, i wouldn't reach out to her and apologize--you already did that and you already tried to proceed as normal with the photo. I think she really is taking the power play to a next level with you which shows she thinks she can without consequence OR she doesn't mind if she loses you. You don't run toward that and keep letting it happen to rebalance things. You let her come to you. To me, you have done enough. (and honestly, would you really be fine with her just as a friend right now--to me,you need some space before that. so it seems like this effort that you are so intent on making is an effort to still stay in with her, have a chance as her bf, which i don't know that you should be rushing or pushing for, because if you do that now, nothing will change on her end IMO). So if you go with honesty, I would recommend doing that when SHE contacts you.

[Logo]

 

I would rather keep her as a friend than lose her altogether.

 

 

Honestly, I think that would be a mistake.

 

You still have feelings for her. So you’re going to want to spend more time with her - time you could otherwise use to find someone who would be a girlfriend, not just a tease. Sorry.

 

And, the longer you stay with her, the more attached you will be.

 

It will emotionally consume you.

 

I know it’s hard to let go, but it sounds like you need a few days to process the fact that in the long run, it will be for the best.

[Highndry]

I must say, reading all these responses has made me feel much better. For months this situation has been nothing but a boatload of stress and anxiety because I am over-invested. What to text, when to text, will she reply, trying to psychoanalyze every word and movement, making the right move, all while feeling like eggshells because I know she's fickle.

 

I would rather keep her as a friend than lose her altogether. My friends think I should text and ask her to meet up this weekend like nothing's wrong. I want to, mostly just to find out whether she'll reply.

 

Another part of me wants to let her miss me and be the one to reach out, do a hard reset with a few weeks or longer of little to no contact. Not sure if she's the type to reach out, but we didn't talk for 2-3 weeks back in March after she suddenly pulled way back, then reached out after a few weeks of no contact.

 

What's the consensus on whether or not I should text her this week?

 

 

So, after finally having an epiphany as to how unfulfilling, stressful and exhausting this "relationship" is, you've decided you want to double down?

[guest569]

I would rather keep her as a friend than lose her altogether.

 

She already is just a friend. This was never a relationship or dating, was it??

[heavenonearth]

I read the whole thread.

 

I would not reach out. In fact i would even delete her number.

She is stressing you out and you are not even realizing it.

 

Acknowledge that this “relationship” is not good for your mental and physical wellbeing.

[cereal_dater]

I read the whole thread.

 

I would not reach out. In fact i would even delete her number.

She is stressing you out and you are not even realizing it.

 

Acknowledge that this “relationship” is not good for your mental and physical wellbeing.

 

Unfortunately I realize it too well. This probably sounds crazy, but for the last 3 months it feels like my happiness has become contingent on how things are going with her. I'm probably the least "clingy" guy on earth, but when you've got someone you really like, have chemistry where hours feels like minutes, instant comfort and connection, lots of attraction, common interests you never you'd find in a potential partner, they reciprocate interest and assure hope.

 

Then POOF the rug gets swept out leaving you in a tailspin, unsure where you stand, trying to psychoanalyze mix messages, she's indecisive and distant, feels like eggsells, anxiety just to text in fear of if/how they'll respond, etc.

 

Then a week or two later things start going really well again. She's initiating warm texts often. Dropping obvious hints and making bold statements of interest. You get that sense of relief that everything is fine again. Rise and repeat the cycle about x3. You become consumed with the situation and it occupies your thoughts much of the day when in those doubtful periods. Meeting other women does nothing but makes you appreciate chemistry with her even more. She's been mostly upfront about wanting to move slow and a relationship would be difficult, so it's hard to fault her personally.

 

I'm a seasoned dater and usually have no trouble walking away -- so I don't think I'm crazy?

Edited June 20, 2018 by cereal_dater

[heavenonearth]

I realize it all too well. This probably sounds crazy, but for the last 3 months it feels like my happiness has become contingent on how things are going with her. I'm probably the least "clingy" guy on earth, but when you've got someone you really like, have chemistry where hours feels like minutes, instant comfort and connection, lots of attraction, common interests you never you'd find in a potential partner, they reciprocate interest and assure hope.

 

Then POOF the rug gets swept out leaving you in a tailspin, unsure where you stand, trying to psychoanalyze mix messages, she's indecisive and distant, feels like eggsells, anxiety just to text in fear of if/how they'll respond, etc.

 

Then a week or two later things start going really well again. She's initiating warm texts often. Dropping obvious hints and making bold statements of interest. You get that sense of relief that everything is fine again. Rise and repeat the cycle about x3. You become consumed with the situation and it occupies your thoughts much of the day when in those doubtful periods. Meeting other women does nothing but makes you appreciate chemistry with her even more. She's been mostly upfront about wanting to move slow and a relationship would be difficult, so it's hard to fault her personally.

 

I'm a seasoned dater and usually have no trouble walking away -- so I don't think I'm crazy?

 

 

 

I know what it is like. I am like that often in relationships.

I want the PERFECT relationship, and now that I have it, I constantly worry when there are days where I feel his love is not as strong as on other days.

And that's all just in my head... but it completely consumes me and it is SO UNHEALTHY for me.

Sometimes I just cry for an hour because I am so exhausted in my mind.

Therapy has helped me with this.

 

I don't know what else to advise you, but I think a clean cut is the only solution.

I know exactly how you feel, but you need to make sure that you take care of yourself, that's the first priority.

[ChatroomHero]

I agree with other posters, she is on the fence or not overly interested. Like she likes you, you probably check off her boxes, but she can't get into you and can't explain why not.

 

 

If that's the situation she probably feels bad about not wanting to go to the next level. She doesn't want to lose you, but doesn't want to take the step to lock you down. It's hard for her to rationalize why she won't progress things. "He would be perfect for me but...." and she can't rationalize the "but" part. So when you slip up or challenge her on it, it's a potential out for her and reason to push you away and she can rationalize the "but".

 

 

Basically if she can't think of any reason not to get serious with you yet still doesn't want to, any slip up becomes her reason. I could see your comment being a bit offensive, like she never asks you to pay but you offer and then later say something that sounds like a complaint about it, but her reaction will be amplified because she also feels guilty about accepting you paying despite knowing it is leading you on.

 

 

If a girl bought me dinners all the time and paid a lot for dating-like activities and insisted she paid and not me, I know by accepting if I was not interested in seriously dating her, I would be leading her on.

[Versacehottie]

Unfortunately I realize it too well. This probably sounds crazy, but for the last 3 months it feels like my happiness has become contingent on how things are going with her. I'm probably the least "clingy" guy on earth, but when you've got someone you really like, have chemistry where hours feels like minutes, instant comfort and connection, lots of attraction, common interests you never you'd find in a potential partner, they reciprocate interest and assure hope.

 

Then POOF the rug gets swept out leaving you in a tailspin, unsure where you stand, trying to psychoanalyze mix messages, she's indecisive and distant, feels like eggsells, anxiety just to text in fear of if/how they'll respond, etc.

 

Then a week or two later things start going really well again. She's initiating warm texts often. Dropping obvious hints and making bold statements of interest. You get that sense of relief that everything is fine again. Rise and repeat the cycle about x3. You become consumed with the situation and it occupies your thoughts much of the day when in those doubtful periods. Meeting other women does nothing but makes you appreciate chemistry with her even more. She's been mostly upfront about wanting to move slow and a relationship would be difficult, so it's hard to fault her personally.

 

I'm a seasoned dater and usually have no trouble walking away -- so I don't think I'm crazy?

 

Well it's not crazy, it's a common phenomena. Basically, wanting what you can't have or is just out of reach. That said, it doesn't make it like this is real love or something special (necessarily and i would lean toward not). Because it is not reciprocated. And surely things aren't balanced or even.

 

So I think you need to examine why PUSHING IN and trying to fix and reset things with her would be the right course of action? I mean the example you have where she actually made a move toward you was when you were steadfast in not smothering her, perhaps giving the indication that you were moving on, is THE ONE that WORKED. So you need to pull back. I say this as it is what is most likely to work--not that i believe in it. I think she has strung you along for long enough and the relationship is unbalanced and bordering on unhealthy for you. Also if you want to gain her respect, this is the best way to do it. Rebalance things. You said your apology; you were open to talk; and you made the first move after the awkwardness. That's enough.

 

 

Much like a child, you need to show her that she is not pulling your strings like a puppet. If you don't, she will keep jerking them around & then fall in love with the guy who doesn't let her jerk him around. Since you seem set on the end goal (which i don't recommend but you seem to think she is special for you in spite of her bad behavior), then you need to sacrifice & risk some of the impulsive things you are trying to do to make sure she stays in your life at any cost for the end goal. BTW, as a friend or otherwise, if she won't meet you halfway, then she is not worth it. You need to hold out for her to meet you halfway. I haven't seen any attempt whatsoever in this most recent incident on her part to do so. (bad sign to rebalance and little respect AND a knowledge that she can stonewall you into doing what serves her even when she knows it's not fair).

[JuneL]

The statement by itself would have been insensitive and would have made you look cheap. But, with the whole story and context, it’s exactly what should have been conveyed to her to make her aware that what she’s been doing to you is plain unacceptable. If you must text her again, just text something light and brief (e.g., Wow it’s so hot again; I got dehydrated!); don’t ask her out again and don’t ever mention this incident.

[cereal_dater]

Called her today.

 

My best friend has been following the situation since day 1 and has predicted her behavior and personality quite well, said she'll never reach out and by disappearing will push her away. My gut feeling agreed but I also wanted to take action on the situation instead of just sitting around left to wonder.

 

She called back in a few minutes and was eager to talk. Didn't sound upset or distant. No mention of the situation last time with the bill. I mentioned it'd be fun seeing her this weekend but she was busy with work. She mentioned something about finding a partner someday and explained friends first again, it might have been a hint, but I'm done analyzing her. I ended the call after 20 minutes. Went like every other call we've had.

 

Feels much better knowing things are "fine" between us. Taking a step back over the past 10 days with no contact has also been a very needed breath of fresh air, feels like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders and given me perspective. Reading all these replies helped equally so. So I'll sit on it for now. I'll try to distance myself but feels like I'm in a much better position to engage her while keeping my emotions in check, if I decide to do so. Hell maybe I can even spit back a little hot/cold game myself.

 

Lastly, had a second date Wednesday with a new girl and received a very encouraging text from her last night. Definitely seems interested. She even threw in for most of the tab and refused to let me pay even when I offered. Felt good

Edited June 22, 2018 by cereal_dater