Red flag - ?

[inpeices]

I do agree, yes, he lost his right to privacy, and that's something we need to talk about. I do want to discuss with him that we should have open access to each other's phones.

 

To answer a previous question, yes, I do think what happened 5 years ago was an emotional affair, a huge betrayal. I was seriously ready to call it quits at that point but we started counseling.

 

I know there's something immensely wrong in our current state and I see this is a clear crisis point in my marriage, that we are on the path toward divorce right now - and I have a lot of thinking to do; I don't want to tolerate unfaithfulness and I will discuss this with my husband, though I dread having that discussion, I need to have it.

 

Yes, the entire set up IS terribly sad and lonely, and quite frankly it's pretty depressing to be in this current state. Inertia is easy to fall back on, not changing or doing anything different.

 

I don't want to snoop; I just want open access and I will talk to him about this. I hate that he's learned to cover his tracks better and yes it takes two to work on this and there clearly isn't respect or honor, and it sucks. I don't tiptoe around my husband living in mortal fear though of him. It's extremely complicated when there's young kids involved; leaving him would mean also leaving my children 50% of the time and that thought breaks my heart. However I do know that I am worth more than being made a fool of.

 

 

Hi Confused 135,

 

To me, your husband has cooled off the affair and just so happened to offer you access to his phone as a fake show of transparency & willingness. The reality Is, once things 'settle down' He will be back to his old tricks with a second phone and now VERY careful about covering his tracks.

 

Because you have accused him, he knows you are vigilant so really you are now stuck with no way of finding out the truth one way or the other and he sure isn't going to tell you!

Also.. sending yourself mad with doubt is horrendous self abuse and ultimately you won't ever truly know.. and if you did.. the outcome will be the same, you will never trust him anyway.

 

If I had my time again, I'd wish I'd never have found what I found out (The depth of betrayal and the lies, the money, hotels, lunch dates when my ex only supposedly had 30 mins)

AND... I therefore wouldn't have been subjected to the most horrendous gaslighting, bare faced lies and minimalising which DESTROYED me emotionally and almost mentally.

 

My advice is to separate immediately into separate residence and you remain in counselling until you are stronger. Then when you are ready, you are emotionally and mentally equipped to divorce him.

 

If you stay with this man you will waste precious happy years of your life failing to be loved, respected and treated as you should.

It will be hard, but I can assure you, as I sit typing 7 YEARS later, the road of infidelity leaves you devastated and takes what feels like a lifetime to process and 'get over' and I'm not over it all of it yet!

Escape while you still have your integrity, sanity and self-esteem intact.. be sure the moment you mention seriously about a divorce.. assets and bank accounts will mysteriously vanish so get your stuff quietly together.. and get urgent legal advice.. It will get messy so be prepared and good luck.. you deserve so much more x

 

Incidently, if it helps, having lost what I felt was the love of my life and everything I worked for including my business, home etc due to ex cheating, I am now 3.5yrs into an amazing loving trusting relationship which I never ever thought possible.. my regret? That I wasted 12years with a serial cheater.. oh and the $€X is like nothing on earth so there ya go xx

[S2B]

Just divorce him - he's wasting your time and isn't respecting you!

 

Stop being so understanding and passive and give him the hard consequences.

 

File divorce papers and request all things that make him squirm!

 

The ONLY way you will make progress is to make him really uncomfortable!

 

Get busy doing that!

[Starswillshine]

My heart is breaking for you. Because over 2 years ago, I sat EXACTLY where you are.

 

I had a traveling husband. He was going have drinks, coffee, etc with other women. Told me all business related. But of course, they had personal discussions as he would have with any of his guy co-workers. I was just insecure and jealous. Etc.

 

He got secretive of his phone. I didn't want to be disrespectful and snoop. Because he taught me over the years that was bad. I was a good little wife... didn't want to nag him and constantly question him. Because I didn't want to cause any problems plus didn't want to further that image of being so insecure (because that is so unattractive).

 

Then I saw the texts. Except he played it off as just sexting. I foolishly believed him. And I foolishly believed him when he said it was done. When he would give me his phone when he walked in the door every day. When I could hook it up to a computer and pull up anything that had been deleted...

 

He just used his office phone and hotel phones when he traveled. None of it stopped.

 

Now we're divorcing. After 20 years. 4 kids... we're divorcing.

 

I have no idea how many women he bad sex with over the years, but I know of at least 9 that he took out and hung out with. He had them in all the cities he frequented and of course the ones he had "business" relationships with here.

 

Many hugs!!! Everyone warned me. Everyone told me. But I needed to come to this all on my own. I needed to see it clearly for myself. You'll get there.

[lostmyway82]

Most people will say it is wrong to snoop, but for most that didn't snoop end up raising a kid which is not even theirs, infected with STDs / HIV , having their bank accounts emptied and what not.

 

So you can either be that person that didn't snoop or the person that got caught snooping. And most of the time getting caught snooping is not as bad as the other.

 

However if you got caught snooping, its unlikely you will ever get to know the truth ever again because they would be alerted and will be more careful in the future.

 

My ex used to think I was screwing around with other girls, and I caught her snooping on me. I admit at the time I was disappointed and confused as to why she didn't trust me. I was angry for a brief moment, but then I had a clear conscience and after a while it didn't matter anymore. Eventually I forgive her for that she did, and thought that she probably did it because she loved me.

 

Our relationship resumed and things got better, but I could never shake off the thought of why she snooped on me in the first place, so I started snooping on her instead, and I eventually found out it was her who was screwing around with other men. So I packed her stuff, and kicked her out. Looking back, I am glad that I snooped on her.

Edited July 31, 2018 by lostmyway82

[S2B]

What is the update Confused?

 

Why do you have to stay with any man that isn't considering your feelings in this marriage? All the while he's focusing his time and energy on other women! AND he's going to counseling! He's not focused on improving this marriage so what's the point?

 

He's totally lying to you - get out so you have a chance to find a man that WANTS to be a good partner!

 

Your husband wants to be married so he doesn't lose what he's worked to earn.

 

If you stay stop doing things for him! Things that make his life nice... he isn't being a good husband!

 

Please consider divorce! He's betraying you! You can get spousal support... please take care of you - he's obviously not concerned about your well being.

 

Stop seeing that counselor. You've wasted time and money.

 

See an individual counselor so you can get strong enough to say "no more" knowing you deserve to be treated way better than he's treated you for years!

Edited August 8, 2018 by S2B