Did I do something wrong...too smothering?

[smackie9]

Some people just simply come to the realization they are no longer into the person they are with. He's fallen out of love, and he feels sad about it , and guilty. It happens. He's being a coward.

[S2B]

He was separated when we started dating so that could be a big problem. He never had the chance to be single again. Maybe now he regrets that. I am just so sad that it seemed to come out of the blue, at least for me. We have plans for a vacation with his family in August, a baseball game with his family in July.

 

If he is truly unhappy I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just break up with me. He seems to find a lame excuse like “you plan things all the time and I don’t like that.” Instead of talking about it and compromising his issues with me or our relationship, it seems as if he wants out. He never said that but that is what I think is coming.

 

Why would he seem happy one day, telling me he loves me, calling me, and then the next totally change his tune? That is what is making me so frustrated.

 

Ya, those passive aggressive qualities in any man would make me want to leave - he may also be conflict avoidant too - since he isn't directly breaking up but wanting to criticize you.

 

His criticism is completely unacceptable. No way he should EVER make you feel badly - especially when YOU are making effort to drive to see him!

 

F that! HE should be making effort to come see you!

 

All things he's doing = end this! He's wasting your time!

 

You could be having a man that plans dates out and treats you with respect!

 

This guy isn't giving you that - no need to waste three more years on a guy that thinks 12 days together is too much. He needs to be single!

 

And when you end it - block him - that's so YOU can find a man who treats you as his top priority.

[S2B]

He says he is ok to drive or he will get an Uber. However there are times he will call me in the middle of the night when he is driving home. He thinks it makes him safer. I don’t want to be annoying. That was never my intent. I was worried about him. He doesn’t just have a few. He has more so I was always concerned that he made it home. Maybe I drove him away.

 

At the beginning of our relationship he wasn’t this way or he hid it from me. I noticed he drank but it wasn’t excessive. Then I fell in love with him, and I talked to him about it. However he isn’t going to change his ways. It is difficult being in love with someone who may be an alcoholic.

 

Oh... and this too? Hello! Get rid of him! He's toxic and now you think you're doing something wrong?

 

Read codependent no more! You need to understand where your thought pattern is off.

 

These are HIS problems and why are you blaming yourself?

 

He's broken and it's not your job to fix all his issues... and he's got big issues that you seemto be overlooking and taking on as your own fault. Stop that.

 

Find a man that will treat you right - never, ever settle. And stop making excuses for HIS bad behavior. He's a jerk - call him what he is.

[MLT 14]

This was the first time we didn’t say goodnight to each other. I’m trying really hard to give him space. How long is too much space and we are over?

[MLT 14]

Went for an early morning workout with a friend. Helped a little. Afterwards I see a text from my boyfriend that said the storms made me think of you. He knows they make me nervous. I hate this generic texting between us.

[Gaeta]

This was the first time we didn’t say goodnight to each other. I’m trying really hard to give him space. How long is too much space and we are over?

 

 

So you will let him decide if this is over or not?

 

 

If you don't break this yourself he'll continue giving you crumbs, blow out at you, spend half his time drinking, ignore you for a while, come back for sex..............continue giving you crumbs, blow out at you, spend half his time drinking, ignore you for a while, come back for sex..............Repeat.

 

 

 

How old are you? You have many years in reserve to waste like this?

[MLT 14]

I am 43 years old. When I was younger I never had any boyfriends. I met my ex husband when I was 23 and we got married when I was 27. We had 3 kids together. I got divorced when I was 39. I was single for over a year. I met my now boyfriend when I was 40. We have been together for 3 years. Since this is only my second time going through what seems to be a break up I am having a hard time letting go. I know I probably should. Everyone advice makes sense to me, but I am not wanting to yet. I don’t know why. Maybe I am hopeful. Maybe I am just really scared.

[MLT 14]

So now he invites me over to his house? What is up with that?

[heavenonearth]

I don't know if he wants out of the relationship, but he sounds a bit like my boyfriend in some regards.

 

My BF was with his ex for 15 years, and they lived together for 10 years of that. When we met, he was only single for 5 months, and he really was not ready for another relationship -- but went for it anyway because he fell in love with me badly. We are together for a year now and we couldn't be happier.

 

I think there will be a time where he will be ready to move in together, but I do not think it is anytime soon. It makes me a bit sad, but that's what I signed up for when agreeing to be his girlfriend, and that's the price I pay for now until he is ready. I know very well that he enjoys having his home for himself now and that he has more independence again. But we are madly in love with each other and he tells me every day, so I don't really feel like I need to worry about that.

 

What matters is that your partner loves you and wants to grow WITH you.

I don't know about you two, but I can also tell you that no matter how much two people love each other, there will always be times where things are a bit 'off', no relationship is ALWAYS perfect.

 

Maybe this is just a slump.... if he truly loves you, he wouldn't care about being single again. If he truly wishes to be single, then he doesn't really love you.

And that would suck... but there is only one way to find out, you need to speak to him about this.

 

I would not break up with him right away without seeking a conversation first.

 

What will you tell him?

Just speak openly, tell him how you feel.

 

If you have a close bond, you should not feel afraid to speak your mind.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

He's not the guy for you. He isn't wanting to remarry and he tries to gaslight you when you make a reasonable request for a plan. Look, no one who is employed or got anything going on in their life can afford to have someone in it who just waits until they're good and ready and then drops in. People need to plan. Those who can't plan aren't going to be able to hold a job or anything else.

 

There's no reason to stay with someone like that. He's the one with the major flaws.

[Lotsgoingon]

Unfortunately I see some of my old habits here.

 

He waits until you are far away ... distant ... and just when he knows you will be pissed or walk away ... he invites you over.

 

That's a technique that a lot of people us ... doing the minimum ... You basically ignore the other person ... minimize their importance ... and just when you're at the breaking point ... you make a move towards them ...

 

We can run a test ... If you want, go see him at his place ...

 

Then report back ...

 

My guess ... He'll be in a good mood when you see him ... and you'll have a good time, a good enough time to think maybe he really does like you ... But here it is: After you leave his place, he will emotionally disappear ... as if he's met his time quota with you ... The closeness you feel from the time you were with him --you won't get that mirrored back to you ... Then after a period of time, he'll contact you again ... If he follows this pattern, that's a red red flag.

[S2B]

So now he invites me over to his house? What is up with that?

 

He's lazy! Why are you always driving?

 

And why doesn't he ask you OUT on a real date?

 

Don't go! He's offered nothing he makes effort for! Why are you making effort?

 

 

He's just making minimal effort so you don't find someone else - someone that treats you like their priority!

 

Why would you go see someone that just told you to get lost? He's just not at all nice to you!

Edited June 17, 2018 by S2B

[Gaeta]

 

I would not break up with him right away without seeking a conversation first.

 

What will you tell him?

Just speak openly, tell him how you feel.

 

If you have a close bond, you should not feel afraid to speak your mind.

 

Good luck.

 

 

This guy is nothing like your boyfriend. He's an alcoholic, drinking and driving, he blows out at her, ignores her etc.

[Gaeta]

He's lazy! Why are you always driving?

 

And why doesn't he ask you OUT on a real date?

 

Don't go! He's offered nothing he makes effort for! Why are you making effort?

 

 

He's just making minimal effort so you don't find someone else - someone that treats you like their priority!

 

Why would you go see someone that just told you to get lost? He's just not at all nice to you!

 

 

I wholeheartly agree with this.

 

Now he calls and you have to be at his service?

 

If he has something to tell you he can drive to your home 'like a gentleman' and tell you what he needs to say. Especially if he has a complain about the relationship or he wants to break up!! You don't call a woman over to break up with her or complain about her.

[heavenonearth]

This guy is nothing like your boyfriend. He's an alcoholic, drinking and driving, he blows out at her, ignores her etc.

 

I just read her post that says he goes out drinking 4 nights a week. Does he get wasted every time, or are these just after work beers?

 

My boyfriend goes out for beers with friends after work at least 3 times per week, as well... and at least once per week gets pretty drunk and stays out til very early morning hours. I don't see a problem with it.

 

So yeah, I am not sure now about OPs boyfriend.

But I feel there's more to the issue.

Perhaps it's already over and he cannot man up and say what he truly wants.

But I feel OP needs to go and talk clearly with him and ask him face to face.

Anything else is speculation.

[MLT 14]

I think my original post is misleading. When I said I was 45 minutes away for our date night and where to meet him it was because I was at a baseball game. We only leave about 5 minutes from each other. I was asking where to meet him and he said “he didn’t know because he isn’t a planner or exact minute by minute guy. He goes by the flow.” I felt he overreacted when he got upset with me. Then when we met up that night he continued being frustrated or annoyed and said I was smothering him.

 

When he drinks he goes out on the nights he doesn’t have his kids. He goes to the bar by himself and will meet others there. He doesn’t get wasted all the time, but he drinks a lot more than I do.

 

I went over to his house but other friends of ours were there as well. We didn’t have a chance to have a sit down conversation. He did apologize but we didn’t have an opportunity to really have a heart to heart. His family is coming today so he invited me over. I don’t want to talk to him when they are here. I figure it gives me more time to think about what I really want.

[S2B]

I think my original post is misleading. When I said I was 45 minutes away for our date night and where to meet him it was because I was at a baseball game. We only leave about 5 minutes from each other. I was asking where to meet him and he said “he didn’t know because he isn’t a planner or exact minute by minute guy. He goes by the flow.” I felt he overreacted when he got upset with me. Then when we met up that night he continued being frustrated or annoyed and said I was smothering him.

 

When he drinks he goes out on the nights he doesn’t have his kids. He goes to the bar by himself and will meet others there. He doesn’t get wasted all the time, but he drinks a lot more than I do.

 

I went over to his house but other friends of ours were there as well. We didn’t have a chance to have a sit down conversation. He did apologize but we didn’t have an opportunity to really have a heart to heart. His family is coming today so he invited me over. I don’t want to talk to him when they are here. I figure it gives me more time to think about what I really want.

 

Why go again today?

 

Seriously you are helping him treat you poorly!

 

All those excuses for him... I think it's you that has trained him to treat you in a substandard manner.

 

 

Don't call him. Don't see him! Just don't.

 

When he changes and apologizes maybe give it some thought then... but I don't see this guy making ANY effort to date you.

 

He hasn't earned the right to be with you.

 

Gather your self respect and make sure he doesn't get the privilege of contacting you for a very long time.

 

 

Seeing him now just makes him think he did nothing wrong... which couldn't be further from what's real.

 

 

 

Maybe in 6-8 months if he quits making drinking a priority and actually takes you OUT on a date he plans and pays for - after apologizing and becoming respectful - maybe thought could be given to seeing him... in the meantime be very busy...that way there's no room in your head to go backwards to a manchild that doesn't treat you right.

 

Set yourself higher standards... seriously higher.

[Lotsgoingon]

Somehow I missed the heavy drinking.

 

Alcoholic or not, heavy drinking is not a good sign. You think he drinks a lot now ... Wait until you guys get more intimate ... you'll definitely be the bar to "escape" and "breathe" and "just have a little fun."

 

And guess who's gonna be blamed when you point that he goes out a lot?