The day after a good first date

[d0nnivain]

Now comes the 10 days or so in between where if I don't contact I fear she'll move on to the other guys she's no doubt in the orbit of and if I do contact it will come across as needy...

 

It's 10 days, not 10 weeks. She has a life. Her parents are in town. She's busy.

 

Sending her 2-3 texts & maybe having a phone call between your dates should be sufficient to keep you on her radar & telegraph your interest without crossing into needy.

 

In your shoes I would do the following. Send a text Monday. Hope you enjoyed your weekend. Any chance we can squeeze in a quick phone call on Wednesday before your parents arrive?

 

Have a short conversation on Wednesday, friendly get to know you, lasting no more than 20 minutes.

 

After her parents arrive send a quick text that says something like "Hope you are enjoying your time with your family. I'm looking forward to seeing you on [day of your date]. Give me a buzz when your company leaves."

 

You put the ball for next contact firmly on her.

 

Then you just go on your date. At no point to you allow her to even suspect you were remotely concerned about the passage of time between the dates. You are the cool guy who understands she has a life & you have enough going on that there is no need to stress about what she's doing.

 

That's what I think. Surely if you are super interested in a guy you would make more of an effort? I'd rather her tell me she isn't interested then prolong it and flake on me in 10 days time.

 

 

When I first started dating my husband I had just opened my own business; I had 2 part time jobs, I served on 3 boards of trustees, & I was working toward become state president of a large organization for women entrepreneurs, plus I was the primary caregiver for my elderly parents. Which one of those things should I have abandoned for some guy I went on one date with?

 

I didn't have a lot of time to date. There would be periods when DH & I didn't see each other for 1-2 weeks because I was already booked. My husband was also working full time, had a p/t job & was taking classes on line. You fit it in when you can until you are comfy enough to blend -- he'd be doing his on line class & I'd sit on my lap top doing work. Even now we both are out of the house for at least 12 hours per weekday, which is often 6 days per week for us. It makes the time we do have together even more precious.

 

Her interest does not require her to rearrange her life to accommodate your impatience. Seriously be more chill. It is so much more attractive because you will come across as confident.

[Sbla22]

It's 10 days, not 10 weeks. She has a life. Her parents are in town. She's busy.

 

Sending her 2-3 texts & maybe having a phone call between your dates should be sufficient to keep you on her radar & telegraph your interest without crossing into needy.

 

In your shoes I would do the following. Send a text Monday. Hope you enjoyed your weekend. Any chance we can squeeze in a quick phone call on Wednesday before your parents arrive?

 

Have a short conversation on Wednesday, friendly get to know you, lasting no more than 20 minutes.

 

After her parents arrive send a quick text that says something like "Hope you are enjoying your time with your family. I'm looking forward to seeing you on [day of your date]. Give me a buzz when your company leaves."

 

You put the ball for next contact firmly on her.

 

Then you just go on your date. At no point to you allow her to even suspect you were remotely concerned about the passage of time between the dates. You are the cool guy who understands she has a life & you have enough going on that there is no need to stress about what she's doing.

 

 

 

 

When I first started dating my husband I had just opened my own business; I had 2 part time jobs, I served on 3 boards of trustees, & I was working toward become state president of a large organization for women entrepreneurs, plus I was the primary caregiver for my elderly parents. Which one of those things should I have abandoned for some guy I went on one date with?

 

I didn't have a lot of time to date. There would be periods when DH & I didn't see each other for 1-2 weeks because I was already booked. My husband was also working full time, had a p/t job & was taking classes on line. You fit it in when you can until you are comfy enough to blend -- he'd be doing his on line class & I'd sit on my lap top doing work. Even now we both are out of the house for at least 12 hours per weekday, which is often 6 days per week for us. It makes the time we do have together even more precious.

 

Her interest does not require her to rearrange her life to accommodate your impatience. Seriously be more chill. It is so much more attractive because you will come across as confident.

 

I take on board what you're saying about me coming across needy and impatient and agree with that.

 

However I'm not sure your advice is valid for this situation. We are both 26 and living in the UK. I think the phone call is now only for when you know each other well. In the 3 relationships I've been in to date we didn't speak on the phone until at least 5 dates in, maybe a few more. For me to text her asking for a phone call when she has basically implied she doesn't want to see me (or speak to me?) This week would IMO come across more needy and strange than no contact at all. I actually know what would happen - I'd call, it would go to anwerphone, she'd never contact me again or text me much later saying 'sorry was busy when you called' but not actually tell me to call again.

 

I get that she has a life and her parents are coming on Thursday but in my experience when a woman seriously liked me she would see me again within a week if not within 4 or 5 days usually. Not only that they would be far more enthusiastic in the tone of their text messages and would initiate slightly.

 

I am getting the impression from this current woman that she feels indifferent - if I never contacted her again I don't feel like she would care very much. How do I know? 3 years experience of OLD. I am getting that vibe. No woman that has delayed the second date by this length has EVER actually gone on the second date with me.

[GemmaUK]

If you're this insecure about it just end it and tell her that 10 days is too long to wait.

 

Seriously! Even if the date ended up great it sounds like you would have a bee in your bonnet about it.

 

End your angst now.

[d0nnivain]

I'm old enough to be your mom so I prefer phone calls. Plus, by having one, hearing each other's voices, you set yourself apart from the other guys. If you are willing to spend time together in person, I don't get why your generation thinks talking on the phone is so darned "intimate" & therefore to be avoided. Knowing that your generation hates phone calls is why I suggested you ask her by text in advance if she would take the few minutes for the call. Think of my suggestion as a short mini date.

 

I just fear from your posts that you are somehow projecting a negative defeatist attitude.

 

I want you to succeed. If not with this woman, with the next.

[Sbla22]

I'm old enough to be your mom so I prefer phone calls. Plus, by having one, hearing each other's voices, you set yourself apart from the other guys. If you are willing to spend time together in person, I don't get why your generation thinks talking on the phone is so darned "intimate" & therefore to be avoided. Knowing that your generation hates phone calls is why I suggested you ask her by text in advance if she would take the few minutes for the call. Think of my suggestion as a short mini date.

 

I just fear from your posts that you are somehow projecting a negative defeatist attitude.

 

I want you to succeed. If not with this woman, with the next.

 

I am not against calling but I am telling you when I have tried this advice before they never pick up and then either pretend it didn't happen or never contact me again.

 

I think I'll text her on Tuesday asking how her week is going and a little flirty message. If she isn't responsive I think I'll have my answer.

[d0nnivain]

I think I'll text her on Tuesday asking how her week is going and a little flirty message. If she isn't responsive I think I'll have my answer.

 

It's a start. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[Gaeta]

However I'm not sure your advice is valid for this situation. We are both 26 and living in the UK. I think the phone call is now only for when you know each other well.

You decide to use the phone, not society. Nowadays it's all about texting but my bf doesn't give a heck about texting. Last time he text me was July 2016. He uses the phone. It's a good thing I didn't interprete this as him lacking interest and invating my privacy because he calls.

 

Women like men that don't follow the herd and have a mind of their own.

 

I get that she has a life and her parents are coming on Thursday but in my experience when a woman seriously liked me she would see me again within a week if not within 4 or 5 days usually. Not only that they would be far more enthusiastic in the tone of their text messages and would initiate slightly.

and those dates ended up in long term relationships?

 

I am an experienced online dater. I have learn that showing a lot of interest at the beginning means nothing long term. And I have learn that the best relationships will often start slow.

 

I am getting the impression from this current woman that she feels indifferent - if I never contacted her again I don't feel like she would care very much. How do I know? 3 years experience of OLD. I am getting that vibe. No woman that has delayed the second date by this length has EVER actually gone on the second date with me.

 

She is not suppose to care, she only met you once.

 

You are the problem for caring so much at this point!

 

You should put her on your agenda, put also a couple of calls (text) on your agenda, then turn around forget about the rest and go on dates with other women. If it's meant with this woman it will stick together after a few dates.

 

 

.

[Sbla22]

Update on this: I text her Monday quite late in the day a picture I saw that was funny and linked to someting on our date. She replied a couple hours later laughing and asked if I was happy England won in the football.

 

I was asleep and then had a busy day at work the next day so responded yesterday (Tuesday afternoon) saying I wasn't too passionate about England then asked how her week had been and said 'are you all set for your parents coming to stay? Tidied up? Hidden any inappropriate items? '

 

She read the message but replied 5 hours later 'been a busy week, just preparing food for them. How's your week been?'

 

I haven't replied yet - I ak agonising over messages as don't want to send too many.

 

Still reckon she's only mildly interested - think I'll just say have a great time with your parents then not get in touch until monday (our second date is scheduled for tuesday)

 

What do we reckon?

[StartingOver77]

Update on this: blah blah blah

 

I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Actually, I'm going to burst your bubble because this 16 year old non-sense is nauseating.

 

You are overly hung up on this. You are overly insecure. This is going to fail. If you have to ask for validation in regards every time you message this girl then I think it's time you figure out how to make yourself happy. Do that before you you worry about getting into a relationship because you will always bring overwhelming feelings into them. Any woman who doesn't have baggage and aren't desperate will not find you at all attractive.

 

Hope that helps.

[d0nnivain]

I haven't replied yet - I ak agonising over messages as don't want to send too many.

 

Still reckon she's only mildly interested - think I'll just say have a great time with your parents then not get in touch until monday (our second date is scheduled for tuesday)

 

What do we reckon?

 

I reckon she's busy but trying to stay connected to you. Lighten up. Stop agonizing.

 

Have a great weekend & reach out on Monday to confirm Tuesday's date.

[Sbla22]

Update: so we went for date 2 tonight playing mini golf. Had good fun and a drink afterwards. Thought it was going well. She mentioned she is in London for the week next week Mon-Fri so I asked her what she is up to this coming weekend. She said she might have plans with friends but 'nothing concrete' and she said this a few times so I took it as a sign to ask her for another date. I asked if she would fancy dinner and drinks at a gin bar (her favourite drink) on Friday night. She said that sounds good but would let me know.

 

Then later as we said goodnight I tried to go for a kiss but she gave me a kiss on the cheek instead. I think I was quite blatant about going for a proper kiss so I'm confused now. I'm taking it as a bad sign

[mortensorchid]

A without question.

 

I've said this many times, but there are a few rules you have to follow and acknowledge as facts in the dating world. If you (the woman) has not heard from the man within 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again 90% of the time. He may call you a few days / a week later, he may ask for a second get together and you may have one, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no. If you have a second get together, you will not have another after that.

 

Texting, however, has muddied our communication skills. Many times some gals (myself included in the past) have received a text from the man the next day maybe 75% of the time after the first get together. If he says just a polite message like "I had a nice time last night" or just a "Good morning" text, what will happen then is that you will have a few days afterward of polite, chatty texting. And then one day a few days later, you will never hear from him again. He must say to the woman "I would like to see you again, what's a good time for you?". If he doesn't it's just polite texting. A week or so will go by then one party will text the other saying "Hey haven't heard from you in a bit, how are things?" And they'll go poof.

 

Facts.

[Sbla22]

Update: so we went for date 2 tonight playing mini golf. Had good fun and a drink afterwards. Thought it was going well. She mentioned she is in London for the week next week Mon-Fri so I asked her what she is up to this coming weekend. She said she might have plans with friends but 'nothing concrete' and she said this a few times so I took it as a sign to ask her for another date. I asked if she would fancy dinner and drinks at a gin bar (her favourite drink) on Friday night. She said that sounds good but would let me know.

 

Then later as we said goodnight I tried to go for a kiss but she gave me a kiss on the cheek instead. I think I was quite blatant about going for a proper kiss so I'm confused now. I'm taking it as a bad sign

 

Anyone got any advice? I really like this one - is it all over or can it be saved?

[MaleIntuition]

Definitely lukewarm at best. Do nothing. You’ve already told her you would like to see her again, if she is interested she’ll contact you.

[Sbla22]

Put out my misery once again. She just text:

 

'Had a great time on our dates and you're a lovely guy but don't see it going anywhere sorry :/ best of luck!'

 

I've had pretty much that same response 5 times in the last few months.

 

I have tried being more sexually suggestive, confident, tried to have fun, go for kiss. All the advice given. Nothing seems to make them stay past a second date.

 

It is so damn hard to get a woman to give me more than a slight chance. Maybe I am just not worthy of someone attractive. Might have to lower my standards or end up dying alone for real.

[MaleIntuition]

Put out my misery once again. She just text:

 

'Had a great time on our dates and you're a lovely guy but don't see it going anywhere sorry :/ best of luck!'

 

I've had pretty much that same response 5 times in the last few months.

 

I have tried being more sexually suggestive, confident, tried to have fun, go for kiss. All the advice given. Nothing seems to make them stay past a second date.

 

It is so damn hard to get a woman to give me more than a slight chance. Maybe I am just not worthy of someone attractive. Might have to lower my standards or end up dying alone for real.

 

I don’t think you should lower your standards per se. But remember that the biggest flaw with the dating apps is that they are based on pictures. A picture is a still image - in reality we are constantly moving. True charisma can’t really be captured. I’ve seen people on Tinder whom I considered very attractive (irl), but because of their pictures I barely recognised them. My point is; don’t be too quick to judge.

 

Otherwise I can’t really give much advice, girls 25ish-30ish just get an annoying amount of matches to choose from. You don’t seem to have troubles getting dates though, which is better than some. Time to try to meet girls in the good-ol real life instead?

[HiCrunchy]

Omg I would love for him to text me the next day.

Give me all those butterflies and make me blush like a teeanage girl :love:

[Grey40]

 

I have tried being more sexually suggestive, confident, tried to have fun, go for kiss. All the advice given. Nothing seems to make them stay past a second date.

 

It is so damn hard to get a woman to give me more than a slight chance. Maybe I am just not worthy of someone attractive. Might have to lower my standards or end up dying alone for real.

 

Part of why you’re failing is how you view yourself. All you keep doing is talking super negatively to yourself and doubting every single move you make. That is not confidence. You can say you’ve been trying to be more confident but if this is how you are thinking in your head, then you are not at all yet confident. I think you need to do some work on your inner self. You need to work on getting your life in order and taking a break from women to build back up your confidence level.

 

Taking advice from women on dating is really terrible idea. Women act very much on emotions and thus can be very volatile and change their minds very often based on their mood. What women SAY they want a guy to do is NOT what makes them FEEL the feelings that make them fall head over heels for you.

 

This girl may have not been all that interested in you in the first place, who knows, but I see some major spots where you might have went wrong.

 

1) Based on how you describe yourself and the constant doubting yourself might have come across on the dates. The most unattractive thing you can do is to constantly seek validation, which you may have done without even realizing. It comes off as lack of confidence, which to women translates as “he was acting weird and awkward”.

 

2) Small talk texts in between dates is just unnessecary and makes you seem like you’re trying to hard to keep her and that you’re worried she’s going to forget about you (which you were). Once again, it shows lack of confidence. If she contacts you first definitley respond and converse but don’t reach out first so much. You do so after the first date 1-2 days later and set up another date. And then if you can’t see her for over a week, then reach out and check in with her. But other than that, you’re being too available. If her interest level was super high, it wouldn’t matter as much. But, if she’s on the fence about you in any way, that stuff will help give her an excuse to doubt you,

 

So take the advice women on here give you with a grain of salt. Most of the women on here are in their 40s and couldn’t be more out of touch with the younger generation, dating and OLD which is relatively new. It’s a different world today and the etiquette that worked on them when they met their husbands 10+ years ago doesn’t apply as much now. Plus, they probably don’t even remember when they met them all that well.

 

Go with your gut. You knew she wasn’t 100% keen on you, and you were right the whole time,

[Veronica73]

So I'm replying in response to Grey40's text...

 

I'm not going to reread the whole thread, but when I got to his post... I was kind of like "Wait... the impression I got from reading through this thread is pretty much what he suggested (after saying don't pay attention to all these people)...??" Except for the people who were saying text every couple days. I think that would feel like a little much for ME, personally, unless the date was obviously amazing for both of us... which isn't the case in this situation or the OP wouldn't be agonizing over every little thing. (Plus, I'm in my 40's so...waaaaaaaaay back in the olden days... it was more like if you haven't heard from the guy in 3 days he's gone. When I first started dating somebody if they were interested they would call again within 3 days to set up a date for the next week (If they were really interested they would call the next evening), then call the night before the date to confirm and give details, and then there was the date. There was no contact between. As you established more of a relationship we'd start talking on the phone more in-between dates.

[Grey40]

So I'm replying in response to Grey40's text...

 

I'm not going to reread the whole thread, but when I got to his post... I was kind of like "Wait... the impression I got from reading through this thread is pretty much what he suggested (after saying don't pay attention to all these people)...??" Except for the people who were saying text every couple days. I think that would feel like a little much for ME, personally, unless the date was obviously amazing for both of us... which isn't the case in this situation or the OP wouldn't be agonizing over every little thing. (Plus, I'm in my 40's so...waaaaaaaaay back in the olden days... it was more like if you haven't heard from the guy in 3 days he's gone. When I first started dating somebody if they were interested they would call again within 3 days to set up a date for the next week (If they were really interested they would call the next evening), then call the night before the date to confirm and give details, and then there was the date. There was no contact between. As you established more of a relationship we'd start talking on the phone more in-between dates.

 

 

Yeah. And today with social media and everything, 3 Days isn’t as long as it used to be because you can stay in contact and see what people are up to. Before that, the phone was everything.

[rightondude]

Put out my misery once again. She just text:

 

'Had a great time on our dates and you're a lovely guy but don't see it going anywhere sorry :/ best of luck!'

 

I've had pretty much that same response 5 times in the last few months.

 

I have tried being more sexually suggestive, confident, tried to have fun, go for kiss. All the advice given. Nothing seems to make them stay past a second date.

 

It is so damn hard to get a woman to give me more than a slight chance. Maybe I am just not worthy of someone attractive. Might have to lower my standards or end up dying alone for real.

 

damn brother. I can sympathize, been there too. But, you're young. With every incident of this happening, you will toughen up. Some would say become bitter. You certainly can if you don't watch it.

 

Some would say, "don't worry! Someone will come along who will like you for you!" But, guess what, you probably won't want that person. You will be settling "for less" as you said. You obviously are looking for someone who wants something MORE than what you currently are. So, to get that level of hottie, you must become MORE than what you are.

 

What's cool about you? Seriously. Anything? Lots? Not just what you think is cool, but what a woman is willing to give up going after other guys to get. If you don't have an answer for that, you better find it, or else you're gonna repeat this cycle over and over and over. Ask yourself, would someone truly cool worry about the level of texting and such that you've done in this thread? Don't just try your best to ACT cool, be an actual cool person who does cool things. And no, having a hot woman doesn't make you cool. You may fool her for awhile but it will be sniffed out.

 

Good luck brother, you will figure it out. I am just sharing experience years (decades!) of blunders taught me. So much wasted time.

[Juha]

She replied 'Yeah let's go with that for now '

 

Now comes the 10 days or so in between where if I don't contact I fear she'll move on to the other guys she's no doubt in the orbit of and if I do contact it will come across as needy...

 

I know we males got lucky with not being able to get pregnant but the dating game is incredibly painful for us

 

did not finish reading

Edited June 28, 2018 by Juha