So it's not bad, but does that make it good?

[Lotsgoingon]

I say get to a therapist who inspires you ... and make a project of you walking out when he talks to you in a way you don't like.

 

You want to develop this skill of speaking up for yourself (even nervously) ...and setting boundaries ... or its absence will undermine future relationships as well. It's gonna be hard ... but you can practice and find a way to communicate when you're unhappy. You owe that to yourself ... in a way you owe it to him ... and to whoever else you end up with ... because people cannot read our minds.

 

They can't. And acting like they can is kid-like behavior (kid-like being neutral--not sarcastic) ... Adult behavior is we speak up for ourselves.

 

On the other side of speaking up for yourself is such a sweet possibility: can't tell you the number of times I stood up for myself only to learn that the other person easily made a change ... sometimes wanted to make the change, but because I was silent, they didn't know that's what I wanted.

 

You're spending energy now suppressing your feelings ... that's wasted energy ... assuming you are not a serial killer ... And yes, sexual abuse no doubt plays a role here ... all the more reason for ongoing aggressive therapy and coaching.

[BettyDraper]

Most women wouldn't want to have sex with someone who is rude and selfish.

I feel like your husband should be more understanding of the challenges which come with working through sexual trauma.

 

What does your therapist say about the way your husband treats you?

[MidnightBlue1980]

There is a lot here. Not much point in talking about all your husband's problems as there is nothing you or we can do to change him. But you can work on your reaction to him, assuming there is enough there to save.

 

One thing jumped out at me. You should have bought the mug you wanted. Who cared if he thought it was stupid? I used to be like that and now I tend to do what I want. I'm not talking about buying a car or taking a vacation solo, I'm talking about the little things which make you happy. Don't look for his approval. If you let him and his moods dictate your behavior, then he has won and he only get stronger and more controlling.

 

Next time, buy the mug, purse, or shirt and use it in front of him. When the dogs dig a hole, tell him it's all part of your master plan. If you change your reaction, maybe he will follow as he is not getting the response he expected.

 

Now of course if he doesn't, then you will know.

[MrsConflicted]

Thanks for the further input guys. I'll try address everything said:

 

I have suggested both MC and IC. He has come around to the idea of both after initially being opposed or at least hesitant since I think he realises I am not just having a bad day and I won't drop it.

 

In saying that he has made close to no effort to actually follow through make himself an appointment, look for a councillor, etc and doesn't want to have to take time out of work to attend so it makes it a little difficult as there aren't may after hours councillors in our area or even city. I have been the one who has found a marriage councillor (one he thinks is probably a hack as she isnt a psychologist even though shes qualified, and he thinks coz she's a woman she will be biased anyway)and who went onto his work portal or try organise his IC as he can get it free through work.

 

I also don't feel I am silently enduring it and letting it bubble under the surface. Something happens, I usually calmly say something like "this is an example where I feel you are speaking down to me, you could easily have just said/did abc instead of what you said/did".

 

I think he doesn't fully understand, but I think he realises it is serious and I am not just going to get over it.

 

It somehow feels like he wants me to be his mum but at the same time wants to be a controlling paternal figure to me as well? I don't think he was spoilt but he is the eldest, and he has achieved the most of them with a marriage, house, good job etc so maybe that's where he gets the entitlement.

 

I think my main issue is I am able to call him out and be assertive with what's wrong and what I want changed, but I think I'm struggling is with "consequences" when he doesn't stop. I can and do speak up for myself whenever something arises, especially now even if i didn't in the past, but its the boundary setting I am having issues with.

 

My therapist has been really wonderful and has been a big part of me realising this isnt something I am okay with and it isn't normal and I am not overreacting.

I think I will bring up with her in my next session how I am going to start with these boundaries and more importantly how I am going to stand my ground if they are crossed. My therapist is not a fan of his behaviour.

 

The other thing it is isn't just sexual abuse I have endured, I have had a pretty rough life thus far and have not been able to rely on the people I was supposed to be able to rely on the most to keep me safe or whatever. Won't go into detail as I don't want a pity party, but he is aware of all of this and all my history, so yes it does frustrate me when he isn't sensitive to things he knows trigger me, especially since I try very hard not to have my triggers affect him or others, I just remove myself from the situation, I don't get angry etc.

 

I have tried just walking away when he speaks to me badly, he takes it as a signal the conversation is over and he stops, but he doesn't really register that what he has said or done is wrong?

 

He tries to make it about perception, i.e you feel I am being condescending but I didn't feel I was. For a long time that made it harder to believe myself and not feel it was just me overreacting. I have recently told him it isn't just my perception, it's that of others who have seen us interact as well, but I don't know why my perception isn't enough to instigate enough change.

 

The reason I have talked about his problems or more my problems with him is because I was asked to be less vague, I'm not trying to just have a bitch about him. As I have said before, he has made some changes for the better, it just feels like it's not quite enough for me to be satisfied with the effort, at least not yet.

 

The reason I didn't just go in and buy it was because after his lovely little speech I was quite upset and I didn't really want to go into any store or I would have, I have bought or done things whether he approved or not plenty, but I will say I feel guilty about it sometimes when I do because I feel like I am not considering him or his feelings by directly going against them.

 

I have tried the different reaction strategy to some degree, however saying something like " it's part of my master plan" tends to make him more ****ty and irritated, and frankly I think to some degree I am just exhausted and exasperated with him and sometimes I just shut down and just go to another room and we don't speak after he's had his spit and I've told him that's not okay, and then after a few hours he acts like nothing happened and why am i not happy and wanting to cuddle him now?

 

I read once some people are only motivated by their own pain, rather than the pain of loved ones etc. Doesn't matter how upset I am, his discomfort discussing it is more important to him as it is what causes his pain, so for him stopping the conversation so he's comfortable is more important than resolving the behaviour.

 

Maybe i'm not being as assertive as I think or as I should be, but as someone mentioned earlier, I always thought by "saying when you do XYZ it makes me feel ABC, then leave it. If your husband is a decent man with average intelligence he will figure out how to improve it. "

 

 

I tell him what I don't like him doing, I tell him what I would prefer he'd do instead, I tell him why it upsets me. I feel like I give him what he needs to fix things short of doing it for him myself. I feel like my only real option is to add to this the boundaries because words are clearly not enough.

 

I also didn't want to put pressure or make him feel like the effort he was putting in wasn't appreciated and I wanted to give him the time he'd need for these changes. But it seems that approach isn't working out.

 

Are there some examples of things I could do if boundaries are crossed besides what has already been mentioned(which I have taken note of) so I can make a bit of an action plan for myself?