Is writing a "Good Bye" letter but leaving the option open even worth it?

[holms]

So, me and my current Ex broke up shortly after New Years. We had a pretty serious fight right after midnight about my kids mother texting me. She blew up on me right in front of her friends and family. The next day she felt horrible for her actions and was VERY apologetic but I was still a bit hurt. We again had another minor fight the following weekend about unresolved tension from New Years but seemed to get things out into the open. I thought we were okay but later that week she broke it off with me and immediately was on a dating site later that week. I kind of figured she would, so I did too.

 

We both started dating around but nothing serious on my end. I dated 5 different women in 3 months and didn't even steal a kiss from any of them. I guess it was all just sort of a distraction for me. Nice to be out with a woman, but none of them were "Her."

 

Now, my ex never went more than 2 weeks without contacting me (She is the dumper) but it was always just chit chat. One day in early March I caved and asked her out and she agreed. We went to dinner and had a nice time. Even back to flirting with out little inside jokes. Later that night after dinner she was mentioning that she told her best friend who she was meeting that night and her friend asked "Why?" and her reply she said was "Because no one else compares to him." Which made me smile. We then had some rather passionate sex and I can honestly say that no one else compares to her either, at least for me. I asked her to come out with me and a few friends on St. Patrick's day and she agreed to that as well, so I was feeling good, like we were going to get back to us. But later that week she asked if I could go to Vegas over Easter weekend, I said yes but that I would need to check with work if I could get off for that weekend. Later that night when I was asleep she text saying that she couldn't do that weekend and that she knows she will always let me down. She said that she has to let me go then blocked my number.

 

So, I went out for St. Patrick's day like planned. Even sent her a text that I wished she was with me in hopes that she would get it. I knew I wouldn't stay blocked. But she never replied. However, she was stalking my Facebook page and seen all my pics and posts.

 

The following Friday after St. Patrick's day she showed up at my door about 9:30 pm crying at me. She said she just feels horrible about everything since New Year's and just wants to be good again. I told her to meet me at the bar up the street and we can talk. Within 15 minutes of me being there talking to her she pulled me into her and kissed me deeply. Saying things like "It's you and always you that's on my mind." She spent the night and we again had some very good sex like we used to. We made plans for the following weekend (Good Friday/Easter) and I told her that if she didn't stick with them again that I was just done with this. But she laughed and promised she would stick with the plans, and she did. I surprised her with a dinner at a place downtown and we had an awesome night. She was even practically sitting on my lap at the bar afterwards taking pictures of us kissing.

 

So, the following weekend was what would have been our anniversary so we made plans to meet up at the very place we first met. She was all sorts of excited about it and I was too. Only the day before she injured her arm pretty bad at work so I just canceled as I know she does NOT do well with pain. I went out with a friend that night and she text me saying how she wished she was with me and not at home in a sling. So we made plans for the next weekend instead.

 

We again had a nice dinner at a very nice place and some very good sex. Sex was NEVER our issue and she even commented on that as well. But later that night she got a text and freaked out. I mean almost had a full on panic attack. She wouldn't tell me what was going on and just rolled over and went to sleep. The next morning she confessed to me that in our time apart she did start seeing a guy and that though she knows he is not good for her as he seems to disappear a lot, she still had a strong connection with him at one point. She did confess that she had not heard from him in a while until that text the night before and it just messed with her head. She basically was texting him back telling him to leave her alone and such. So I did confess to her that I too had been dating as well and reminded her that in our time apart is none of our business really, and to just move on from here. She kissed me and thanked me for being a wonderful man.

 

Only, later on that week she again broke up with me. Telling me in an hour long conversation that everything was too much for her and that she just needs time to herself. I told her "Look, you are the one that showed up at my door and you are the one who begged for forgiveness" and she even agreed that it was wrong. She again said that she hates that she has hurt me again, and reminded me that ever since New Years day nothing has gone right for her. I did remind her that before that night she was always nothing short of wonderful to me. She was always loving, attentive, and passionate. She agreed that we were once a great couple and that she does love me but can't get her head out of her ass.

 

Now, she is still checking out my Facebook as she had liked a post of mine (that in truth was kind of directed at her anyway) and freaked out the other week when I post about my cousin dying in a motorcycle accident. She sent me a series of texts the Saturday after asking if I was okay and such, but I never replied. I was actually giving her space and trying to go NC anyway. But she text me again that following Monday on my break. So I told her I would call after work.

 

All week long she was calling after work like she used to. Sometimes in the evening as well. We were talking a lot that week. She again told me that she thinks about me all the time. So later in the week I asked if she would go to an event with me that I had bought tickets for when I thought we were getting back to us again. She said "Maybe, as long as you don't have any expectations, we'll talk later about it." That was the last time I spoke to her or heard from her. Memorial Day came and went and the event is this coming weekend.

 

I guess my question is this. I wrote out a nice long "Good Bye" letter listing a number of reasons why we were once great but how we both had some issues near the end. And yes I did list some of my issues, not just finger pointing at her. I did end it by saying I hope that someday we could get past all this and be good again but that I can't wait around. I do love this crazy woman and as I said, before New Year's she was about the best woman I had ever been with. I am hurt but if she can come clean about things I could and would like to get back with her. Would it even be worth it to send to her this letter and cut all communication until she makes a choice? Or should I not send it and just go NC? I don't want to pressure her or anything as I am the dumpee, but I do want her to know that she is always on my mind as well.

[ItIsNotMe]

Go in NC. She's constantly pushing and pulling you. May be she does love you but her behavior is immature. Don't send it. If she does contact you again, tell her that you're already tired and have no intentions to play such type of games. She should figure out what does she want from you and that's it

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don't send the letter.

 

She has been bouncing back to you when her new guy isn't giving her attention. But as soon as he does, she disappears on you again. A woman who actually respects you and cares about your feeling doesn't behave like this. She would gracefully bow out and stop using you as her Plan B when Plan A doesn't pull through.

 

She is not the girl for you, OP.

[holms]

Thanks for the honest answers. And the whole "Plan B" comment, I even told her that the last time I saw her. Told her flat out that I am not a "Back up option" and won't be treated like one. However, I am totally addicted to her. Until New Year's we had an absolutely awesome year together. One of the last times I talked to her I did mention that. I thanked her for the wonderful 2017 with her and told her that I do believe we could have more great times, and she agreed. Said that I was the most meaningful relationship that she has had since her marriage fell apart. That's when she told me that she thinks about me all the time and wishes she wasn't so neurotic.

 

I do honestly wish the best for her, and if that does not include me then so be it. But I do love this mess of a woman for some reason. Just wish there was a way to get that across to her. I know that NC is for the best. I have moved all the pics of us or anything that reminds me of her from my phone to a flash drive, and removed her from my contacts and deleted all of our text logs. I purged her from my phone and my Facebook but I just can't bring myself to block her completely.

[ExpatInItaly]

And the whole "Plan B" comment, I even told her that the last time I saw her. Told her flat out that I am not a "Back up option" and won't be treated like one

.

 

The problem is that your actions completely contradict this. She knows there's no weight behind those words.

 

Unfortunately, love isn't enough when it's this one-sided. Even if she knew you loved her, it won't really make a difference as she doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

Your self-esteem has taken a beating with this break-up, causing you to hang on to a woman who's just not there anymore. It takes time to learn to let go, to see that it's not in your best interest to wait around hoping she'll come back. True time and space away from her will give you the opportunity to heal, which you haven't had thus far because you've been allowing her to come and go when she pleases. When you cut her off, you will not be losing anything other than a girl who treats you as one of her many options.

[kendahke]

Go no contact and send nothing. Vaporize.

 

She doesn't deserve the effort.

[carhill]

One of these days I'll scan and publish the 'goodbye' letter my dad typed to the wife who left him during the war, the wife who wanted to 'be free' and thought nothing of taking his daughters in doing it. It's quite sobering to read.

 

IMO, such formalities should be saved for a substantial and long-lived union, like being married.

 

Instead, focus on fathering your children and ramping back the wanderlust and leave this person in the past.

 

Was the text from your children's mother that precipitated the late-night fight about the children? Were they OK? What was that about? What's your association with the children's mother? Just fodder for the future because those children, and their mother, are going to be in your life until you're dead.

[preraph]

I didn't get a clear idea of what exactly was happening that made it hard for you two to stay together. You did say she flaked on plans. What was the biggest issue, if you had to say, that both of you did that the other didn't like? Trying to get an idea if this is severe or not. You know, it has to be mutual, but I've known a real trainwreck whose husband stayed with her because he knew all her flaws but loved her enough anyway. It happens. But it has to be mutual.

 

Also, how old are both of you? I'm sorry if I missed it. That makes a difference here. If she is young but has never explored to see who and what all is out there, then she might just need to get that experience under her belt and then realize what a prize you are after she deals with some of the gomers out there. Or same might apply if she has been attached her whole life to a guy even if she's 40.

Edited June 13, 2018 by preraph

[cooldude123]

No Contact.. No Contact ... No Contact... Go completely dark. Dont contact even if she tries to reach out to you.