In love with another man

[S2B]

Why is your husband out of work? When will he get back to work?

 

Does his lack of employment make you feel that you don't respect him as much as when he's providing for the household?

[NMnow]

Why is your husband out of work? When will he get back to work?

 

Does his lack of employment make you feel that you don't respect him as much as when he's providing for the household?

 

It's the nature of the business he is in. He is a contract worker and he needs to get jobs constantly. I think the finances also have something to do with this since it increases my stress level tremendously. We have talked about it.Last year he was out of work for 7 months and it wrecked our savings. That also contributed to my relationship/attraction with coworker.

[NMnow]

I have been dealing with some of the same issues as you in your marriage. It makes things so much more complicated when your crushing on another man. As I mentioned earlier, I was crushing hard on my coworker, he worked his way into my head and we had a short fling, then a whirlwind of emotions filled my brain and I got into an intense fog that I would not wish upon anybody. We said to each we wouldn’t let it happen again but knowing I had to let go was extremly hard, it’s taken a long time to get over and I think I’m almost there, it was like a drug addiction and I’ve never once been addicted to anything. Try to keep your distance from him and don’t go down the road I did because it will make things so much more complicated, the anxiety is horrible.

 

Yep. I think I have crossed that mental line and the fog is real. I know distance and no contact is the answer. It feels like an addiction. Thanks for the advice.

[NMnow]

Being a husband on the other end of my wife having an intense emotional long distance affair, my advice would be to talk to your husband - truly talk to him!! It will be difficult, painful and likely quite unpleasant. BUT, once its in the open, it can be worked through one way or the other. Hiding it doesn't bode well for long term happiness for either of you. I would have appreciated understanding what was going on much much sooner. Life happens; its how we deal with it that truly allows us to understand ourselves and our spouse.

 

Thanks for your perspective. I never thought of this from the perspective that I am not even giving him the chance to help me work through this before it goes on further. Any suggestions how this conversation should go?

[standtall]

Be careful of the advice here....some people want to watch marriages blow up for their personal amusement. Not every crush and fantasy needs to be shared with ones spouse, I know that I don't want to hear every thought my wife has had in the last 22 yrs of marriage. Tread with caution, or the next thread you start may be in the divorce and separation section.

[Jack Be Nimble]

Not easy to answer as I don't know your husband or how the two of you relate to one another. How does he fair when the two of you discuss difficult subjects? I do agree that you don't have to provide all details but a general idea of how you're feeling. Always worth starting any conversation with I love you very much assuming you still do. Once you answer the question, I can likely provide better info

[BluesPower]

Not easy to answer as I don't know your husband or how the two of you relate to one another. How does he fair when the two of you discuss difficult subjects? I do agree that you don't have to provide all details but a general idea of how you're feeling. Always worth starting any conversation with I love you very much assuming you still do. Once you answer the question, I can likely provide better info

 

But to @NMnow, here is the bottom line.

 

You really don't love your husband, and you know it happens. But this situation is way more about you than him.

 

And I want to encourage you to not take ONE STEP FURTHER toward this affair than you have already. So far, you are thinking about cheating, you just have not actually.

 

But do you really understand what the above statement means, because I what you to think about it.

 

Let me explain some things that maybe you don't understand. You say that this man is "committed" to his marriage. Yeah, but if you put it out there, this guy will take you to the nearest hotel and bang your brains out.

 

And, you really need to trust me on this, I know what I am talking about.

 

Now you could do that, if you wanted, and part of you does, I get it.

 

But as I and others have already told you, I promise that you don't want to go there, you just really don't.

 

You have another decision to make, do you want to stay married, or not.

 

There are issues in the marriage for sure:

 

1) You are not happy with his choice of profession. You don't like that he has to find a new job at the end of the contract, and as he gets older it will continue to become harder. Sometimes it makes you feel insecure sometime when he is out of work.

 

But you put up with it, and now it seems unfair for you to "CHANGE" how you view it. You would rather him find a job that pays a little less but is steady. In the long run he will probably make more money in a year if he does this.

 

2) Because of the Job issue, and probably other issues like communication, passion, emotional needs being met, you have built up resentment towards your husband.

 

This stuff happens. But it has caused you to lose respect for your husband, which leads to you now being "In Love" with him.

 

The truth is that you have lost love period.

 

3) But what you have to decide is are you willing to put the work in to loving your husband again? I he willing to understand where you are coming from and work on those issues with you?

 

Bottom line is this: You need to decide if you want your marriage and your husband. If not divorce, if you guys can fix it and you want to do it, then get busy doing that.

 

THAT will require MC, and some form of therapy for both of you. If you don't have the stones to get this done, then please file for divorce.

 

But what ever you do, do not get into a full blown affair with this guy or anyone else...

[stillafool]

OP, I'm curious, what does your Therapist advise for you to get over this crush?

[Mr. Lucky]

Last year he was out of work for 7 months and it wrecked our savings.

 

That sounds like more of a hobby than a career. Is there a reason he's not flipping burgers or drawing lattes between contracts?

 

Mr. Lucky

[NMnow]

OP, I'm curious, what does your Therapist advise for you to get over this crush?

 

I am processing the underlying issues that led to the crush, and to manage the strong attraction.

[NMnow]

But to @NMnow, here is the bottom line.

 

You really don't love your husband, and you know it happens. But this situation is way more about you than him.

 

And I want to encourage you to not take ONE STEP FURTHER toward this affair than you have already. So far, you are thinking about cheating, you just have not actually.

 

But do you really understand what the above statement means, because I what you to think about it.

 

Let me explain some things that maybe you don't understand. You say that this man is "committed" to his marriage. Yeah, but if you put it out there, this guy will take you to the nearest hotel and bang your brains out.

 

And, you really need to trust me on this, I know what I am talking about.

 

Now you could do that, if you wanted, and part of you does, I get it.

 

But as I and others have already told you, I promise that you don't want to go there, you just really don't.

 

You have another decision to make, do you want to stay married, or not.

 

There are issues in the marriage for sure:

 

1) You are not happy with his choice of profession. You don't like that he has to find a new job at the end of the contract, and as he gets older it will continue to become harder. Sometimes it makes you feel insecure sometime when he is out of work.

 

But you put up with it, and now it seems unfair for you to "CHANGE" how you view it. You would rather him find a job that pays a little less but is steady. In the long run he will probably make more money in a year if he does this.

 

2) Because of the Job issue, and probably other issues like communication, passion, emotional needs being met, you have built up resentment towards your husband.

 

This stuff happens. But it has caused you to lose respect for your husband, which leads to you now being "In Love" with him.

 

The truth is that you have lost love period.

 

3) But what you have to decide is are you willing to put the work in to loving your husband again? I he willing to understand where you are coming from and work on those issues with you?

 

Bottom line is this: You need to decide if you want your marriage and your husband. If not divorce, if you guys can fix it and you want to do it, then get busy doing that.

 

THAT will require MC, and some form of therapy for both of you. If you don't have the stones to get this done, then please file for divorce.

 

But what ever you do, do not get into a full blown affair with this guy or anyone else...

 

You have some good points. In therapy I am trying to figure out the underlying issues that even made me want to consider the affair. Part of it is middle age and lack of excitement, my husband's unemployment. Overall he is like my security blanket, reliable, loving, funny. I love him and he is a great father. OM is like his shadow, exciting, deep, and troubled in a way that my husband is not. This is why I feel that what I am going through is more similar to an addiction. My husband and I are great friends and we communicate very well. I just am having a hard time burdening him with my craziness since I think that this issue is mostly me...

 

I am curious, do you really think that all men, given the opportunity, would cheat on their wives? Or did you say that because OM and I already have crossed some boundaries? I just don't see men that way but maybe I'm naive. I'm not even sure OM sees me in a sexual way.

[BluesPower]

You have some good points. In therapy I am trying to figure out the underlying issues that even made me want to consider the affair. Part of it is middle age and lack of excitement, my husband's unemployment. Overall he is like my security blanket, reliable, loving, funny. I love him and he is a great father. OM is like his shadow, exciting, deep, and troubled in a way that my husband is not. This is why I feel that what I am going through is more similar to an addiction. My husband and I are great friends and we communicate very well. I just am having a hard time burdening him with my craziness since I think that this issue is mostly me...

 

I am curious, do you really think that all men, given the opportunity, would cheat on their wives? Or did you say that because OM and I already have crossed some boundaries? I just don't see men that way but maybe I'm naive. I'm not even sure OM sees me in a sexual way.

 

Don't know whether it is good or bad... to actually answer this.

 

In general, yes in a lot of cases. Has he talked to you about issues in his marriage yet?

 

Frankly, it looks like he is grooming you.

 

And even more frankly, married women that are bored with their marriages are super easy to get into bed.

[carhill]

I am processing the underlying issues that led to the crush, and to manage the strong attraction.

Task your therapist to assist you in separating out the marital issues from your attraction processes. My bet is your solution will be found in that separation. It's normal that mating is irrational so don't expect a math problem solution. It's more like the nuances of a painting.

 

Also, don't expect an instant fix, a magic bullet. Learning to process things in different ways naturally takes time and iteration. Failures will occur. Is your M worth it? IDK. Depends on the foundation. However, IMO learning more about oneself and achieving personal growth is worth it in my book. You caught this early. It'll work out.

[NMnow]

Don't know whether it is good or bad... to actually answer this.

 

In general, yes in a lot of cases. Has he talked to you about issues in his marriage yet?

 

Frankly, it looks like he is grooming you.

 

And even more frankly, married women that are bored with their marriages are super easy to get into bed.

 

I would really love it if you would answer this. Now I am really curious. I have had many close, male friends throughout my life and never felt like they wanted to sleep with me. Granted, I have been for the most part happily married. This is the first time I have faced anything like this with someone I consider a male friend.

 

He has talked to me about some issues in his marriage, mostly about his wife constant drama with her relatives. He tends to be rather reserved about that part of his life. A couple of times, but just when we started to know each other over a year ago. My assumption is that he is happily married. He keeps saying how important his family is for him. He doesn't have kids, just his wife and her family. He also talks a lot about his Midwestern value system, he says it's difficult for him to lie or be deceptive. He really appears super proper an honorable. I really don't see the grooming aspect, but it would be incredibly helpful to me to hear a less naive perspective

[Mr. Lucky]

He has talked to me about some issues in his marriage, mostly about his wife constant drama with her relatives. He tends to be rather reserved about that part of his life. A couple of times, but just when we started to know each other over a year ago. My assumption is that he is happily married. He keeps saying how important his family is for him. He doesn't have kids, just his wife and her family. He also talks a lot about his Midwestern value system, he says it's difficult for him to lie or be deceptive. He really appears super proper an honorable. I really don't see the grooming aspect, but it would be incredibly helpful to me to hear a less naive perspective

 

It's not either/or. He could care for his wife, have solid Midwestern values - and still want to sleep with you. Life is complicated, that's why it's best to avoid these types of relationships...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am single but have always had a problem with work crushes because I work with men that are nearly all my type in terms of intelligence, personality and interests. All men I work with are married so there is no chance for anything.

 

Many years ago, when I was young and stupid, one such situation that I let develop unchecked nearly ended my career. Now I am much more careful. It's actually easy to nip attraction in the bud. You simply don't allow yourself to think about it. When feelings resurface go to "yup too bad he is married" thought and redirect your thoughts to some other problem. You kind of let feelings wash over you and pass without giving them notice. Even NC is not strictly necessary. Given that I am single, I also go back to online dating which further distracts me. With these strategies, I have never had a strong crush on someone inappropriate in over 5 years.

[S2B]

I would really love it if you would answer this. Now I am really curious. I have had many close, male friends throughout my life and never felt like they wanted to sleep with me. Granted, I have been for the most part happily married. This is the first time I have faced anything like this with someone I consider a male friend.

 

He has talked to me about some issues in his marriage, mostly about his wife constant drama with her relatives. He tends to be rather reserved about that part of his life. A couple of times, but just when we started to know each other over a year ago. My assumption is that he is happily married. He keeps saying how important his family is for him. He doesn't have kids, just his wife and her family. He also talks a lot about his Midwestern value system, he says it's difficult for him to lie or be deceptive. He really appears super proper an honorable. I really don't see the grooming aspect, but it would be incredibly helpful to me to hear a less naive perspective

 

Don't be naive - him telling you about his personal life and especially his wife IS grooming you!

 

He's disrespecting his marriage and you are helping him.

[DKT3]

You have some good points. In therapy I am trying to figure out the underlying issues that even made me want to consider the affair. Part of it is middle age and lack of excitement, my husband's unemployment. Overall he is like my security blanket, reliable, loving, funny. I love him and he is a great father. OM is like his shadow, exciting, deep, and troubled in a way that my husband is not. This is why I feel that what I am going through is more similar to an addiction. My husband and I are great friends and we communicate very well. I just am having a hard time burdening him with my craziness since I think that this issue is mostly me...

 

I am curious, do you really think that all men, given the opportunity, would cheat on their wives? Or did you say that because OM and I already have crossed some boundaries? I just don't see men that way but maybe I'm naive. I'm not even sure OM sees me in a sexual way.

The underlying issue is your lack of boundaries and unwillingness to be honest with yourself.

 

Case in point, talking to my husband about this will only create drama. False, you flirting with another man and considering an affair is the source of the drama. I'm not in love with my husband.. maybe not, but in long term relationships this is common. The real issue is where you are placing your emotional energy, and it isn't in your husband and marriage.

 

Which conversation is more difficult 1) I have a crush on a co-worker, nothing physical has happened nor do I want it too, I want to learn why "I" have allowed myself to connect with someone else. Or 2) I've been sleeping with my co-worker for six months and I'm not sure what I want.

[CupCakess]

Yes...I think midlife crisis + hormones are a major part of this. I have been able to separate the lust part from the love part successfully for the most part. It has been since his transfer that I have gone into the delusional "love" thing with him. I feel my brain has been hijacked. I know the best solution is to quit my job and never to see the OM again.

 

Having said that.. My husband is currently unemployed and it will take some time for me to find a comparable position with the flexibility I have somewhere else. I also know that the OM is somewhat incidental to the underlying issues related to midlife and other things. I know that if I don't get to the root of this there can be another man who will act on the attraction to my detriment.

 

It's hard to explain, but it is almost like I am observing myself in a movie. I know what needs to happen and I am not acting on it. The good news is that we have never talked or met outside work hours.Like I said, he is deeply respectful of his marriage. I am the crazy one with these feelings. I am the one with a child (he doesn't have any). I hope this new position will keep him away and due to my increased workload with him leaving I will be too busy to make contact with him.

 

As to my husband...he is a very good man, but I know that there are some underlying issues between us that need to be addressed. I love him, but I am not "in love" with him (which I know is a stupid barometer in a long-term relationship!. However I think that it is hard to gauge what is real in this fog of hormones and middle age.

 

 

Every marriage looses its flame at some point. The "love him, but not in love with him" is a common issue.

 

 

The guy is a crush, nothing more. Someone you find attractive that pays attention to you, and probably behaves in a "seductive" way. We guys tend to flirt a lot with women we are not dating, even when we are happily married or in a relationship, we still like to "seduce" other women. Ironically, we usually stop acting in that flirt way towards our wives/girlfriends after a couple of years.

 

 

 

What usually makes women cheat after years of marriage, is that the new love interest takes his time to seduce the woman, even when its unintended; this creates a "spark" when you are in contact with him.

 

 

But the thing is that this can happen, with any man you find attractive.

[S2B]

When I look at an issue I'm having I review what I did that caused it.

 

What did I ALLOW that I can choose to DO differently in the future - so that I can secure a different outcome?

 

I am responsible for how I participate! And YOU allowed this to happen...so ask yourself why YOU allowed it.

 

And then get a plan so you don't do it again in the future.

 

You say you love your husband - yet your behavior doesn't show love and honor and respect at all.

 

He deserves to know what you've done - be honest with him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree with S2B.

 

A poster comes here talking about possibly being in love with a married co-worker. Poster clearly states this man has on numerous occassions spoken positively about his marriage (not the in-laws) and about how important his values are. Has not talked about personal info for over a year.

 

From where I sit, this co-worker was politely telling her that he is not interested. For most men, it is difficult to be direct with women in general let alone a co-worker. But, he is the one that gets the “grooming” hat badge?

 

Guess what folks....women can be “groomers”. Women can not take no for an answer. Women can be the aggressor.

 

OP, I really hope you work this out in IC. For if you decide to carry on down this road and the co-worker is not interested...you might find yourself in the HR office. Or...you do have an affair and your home life blows up and....and you find yourself in the HR office.