Any ladies who became the "wife" after starting out as the "other woman"?

[imsosad]

Me.

We had a relatively short EA, were NC for a year and then resumed contact.

By the time we were back together, he was already out of the marital home.

I left soon after.

We've been together since.

We have been dating, but not living together on account of the children (mine and his).

We wanted to let everyone-kids, ex spouses- settle in to the new routine before any more changes.

Our plan is to move in together in the summer.

I want us to live together for a while before marrying.

I think that sometimes affairs work out.

I don't agree that having an affair invariably means you are a flawed, broken individual. Also, one can be broken and flawed and not have an affair. The fact that someone *didn't* have an affair doesn't automatically mean they are a wonderful spouse.

I don't encourage infidelity and many affairs are awful and harmful, especially for the women involved in them, but it isn't as black and white as portrayed sometimes.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The fact that someone *didn't* have an affair doesn't automatically mean they are a wonderful spouse.

 

Of course not. But having an affair automatically does mean that you're a bad spouse. Sorry, no exceptions. Does it mean you're an irredeemable person for the rest of your life? No. But you can't be a good spouse and cheating one.

[Artdeco]

.....many affairs are awful and harmful, especially for the women involved in them, but it isn't as black and white as portrayed sometimes.

 

Agreed.

 

I was the OW for a few years, and we are now in a committed R.

For me, being in that A was never a problem, I did my own thing, and never felt disrespected or neglected as an OW. I had everything I needed and wanted, and more. The R suited my needs at that time, and I believe this is the case for many (not everybody craves "togetherness" 24/7, men and women alike).

 

I never put pressure on MM to get divorced. We were more or less out in the open pretty much right away (without rubbing it into anybody's face, either, though, in order to not cause unnecessary pain); I was never hidden. I was very well taken care of, in every aspect. However, my former MM, now BF, was always worried that I might meet somebody else who could give me a full-time, official R, which, btw, I never asked for. I wasn't actively looking, either. My needs were more than met. The fear of losing me though, was probably enough for him to make the decision to D. He did it on his own accord. His choice. Although his M wasn't bad per se, and even though they got (and still get) along quite well, I believe the affair situation was hard on him (and definitely harder on him than it was on me).

 

Will we last? Who knows. Ms fail all the time. However, we have many things going for us, many things that connect us, a very similar/identical communication style, have similar interests, we have passion, just like other couples. I believe we have a long, happy R ahead of us. I know he loves me. I am not worried. Plain and simple.

[somanymistakes]

Of course not. But having an affair automatically does mean that you're a bad spouse. Sorry, no exceptions. Does it mean you're an irredeemable person for the rest of your life? No. But you can't be a good spouse and cheating one.

 

Saying 'no exceptions' is just begging for people to try and list fairly complicated possibilities.

 

I think it's easier to say that you're not being the best spouse you could be. That's pretty clear. No matter what, even if you were overall a good spouse, you obviously didn't give everything that you could have.

[Pastypop]

I had co- workers who had an affair and got married. They’ve been married several years and seem quite happy together. The guy’s wife worked there too, so it was interesting to say the least. The other woman liked to eat her lunch everyday directly under the wife’s cube that looked out into the lunchroom. The OW continued to do this post divorce. Not sure how the ex-wife maintained her composure. The ex-wife got several promotions and so did the cheating couple. When the wife finally got another job, she flipped off everyone with both fingers as she left the building. I got fired a year or two later for not engaging in an affair with an old, ugly married man. Go figure!

[Be_Strong]

I know of a number of cases in my personal experience involving friends, family members or acquaintances where an OW became the new wife. In fact, of the affairs I know about, about 50% ended up with the AP’s leaving their spouses and staying together.

 

But, this anecdotal evidence is obviously flawed because when the husband/wife stay together the affair is more likely to stay secret. When AP’s leave their spouses and become a public couple, the affair typically becomes widely known.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know of a number of cases in my personal experience involving friends, family members or acquaintances where an OW became the new wife. In fact, of the affairs I know about, about 50% ended up with the AP’s leaving their spouses and staying together.

 

But, this anecdotal evidence is obviously flawed because when the husband/wife stay together the affair is more likely to stay secret. When AP’s leave their spouses and become a public couple, the affair typically becomes widely known.

 

Good point!

 

I have one friend who cheated on her husband with a man who was cheating on his wife (they were all good friends). They all ended up divorcing and the cheaters ended up together. It didn't last though and now that man is married to someone else entirely (who he cheated on my friend with, shocker).

 

My father cheated on my mother. He and my mom did separate eventually, but they were still married when he died and he did not end up with the other woman, who as far as I know is still married to her 5th (!) husband.

 

My ex-husband's "common law" (long story) wife left her husband for the man she had a 5 year affair with (when he found out). She was with him for three years but when she got pregnant with his baby, she aborted it and left him.

 

I feel like I DO know some couples (I can think of one at least, although they are friends of my ex-husband and not my friends anymore) that got together and stayed together this way, but I can't think of them right now.....

 

Oh, no, I did just think of another one. I don't know the new wife and only met the first wife once or twice. My sister's high school ex cheated on his wife and he's still married to his affair partner. They just had a baby. They seem very happy, at least his Facebook says so .

[abandoned2018]

Me.

We had a relatively short EA, were NC for a year and then resumed contact.

By the time we were back together, he was already out of the marital home.

I left soon after.

We've been together since.

We have been dating, but not living together on account of the children (mine and his).

We wanted to let everyone-kids, ex spouses- settle in to the new routine before any more changes.

Our plan is to move in together in the summer.

I want us to live together for a while before marrying.

I think that sometimes affairs work out.

I don't agree that having an affair invariably means you are a flawed, broken individual. Also, one can be broken and flawed and not have an affair. The fact that someone *didn't* have an affair doesn't automatically mean they are a wonderful spouse.

I don't encourage infidelity and many affairs are awful and harmful, especially for the women involved in them, but it isn't as black and white as portrayed sometimes.

 

 

 

 

thank you... this is what i would love to happen to me.... but it seems impossible..

[abandoned2018]

Agreed.

 

I was the OW for a few years, and we are now in a committed R.

For me, being in that A was never a problem, I did my own thing, and never felt disrespected or neglected as an OW. I had everything I needed and wanted, and more. The R suited my needs at that time, and I believe this is the case for many (not everybody craves "togetherness" 24/7, men and women alike).

 

I never put pressure on MM to get divorced. We were more or less out in the open pretty much right away (without rubbing it into anybody's face, either, though, in order to not cause unnecessary pain); I was never hidden. I was very well taken care of, in every aspect. However, my former MM, now BF, was always worried that I might meet somebody else who could give me a full-time, official R, which, btw, I never asked for. I wasn't actively looking, either. My needs were more than met. The fear of losing me though, was probably enough for him to make the decision to D. He did it on his own accord. His choice. Although his M wasn't bad per se, and even though they got (and still get) along quite well, I believe the affair situation was hard on him (and definitely harder on him than it was on me).

 

Will we last? Who knows. Ms fail all the time. However, we have many things going for us, many things that connect us, a very similar/identical communication style, have similar interests, we have passion, just like other couples. I believe we have a long, happy R ahead of us. I know he loves me. I am not worried. Plain and simple.

 

 

i wish my AP "was always worried that I might meet somebody else who could give me a full-time official R" (which i want....)

 

 

"The fear of losing me though, was probably enough for him to make the decision to D. He did it on his own accord. His choice." that's the fairy tale ending that i want......

 

also may i ask what you mean when you say "I was very well taken care of, in every aspect" ?

 

and... how did you deal with the fact that he goes home to the wife and most probably is kissing her/having sex with her/going out with her etc..?

Edited May 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed line spacing

[lostgirl87]

Less than 1% of all affairs work out.

 

62% of all second marriages fail.

 

It doesn't work. Too many stressors.

 

Divorced comes with a price. 50% of wealth gone, child support, alimony, resentful children, ostracized by friends.

 

You're not with that person on a day to day basis you only see their best side.

 

Hormones fade and the thrill of the chase, the thrill of sneaking around, is gone. You become just like you were before, having sex with the husband in starfish position, hopefully he finishes quickly.

Less than 1%? Is that now a Census question because otherwise I have no clue where you'd get such an exact number.

 

Step out into real life or at least off of loveshack and you'll realize that number is. Ugh higher.

[Cali408]

Less than 1%? Is that now a Census question because otherwise I have no clue where you'd get such an exact number.

 

Step out into real life or at least off of loveshack and you'll realize that number is. Ugh higher.

 

You won't make it.....Keep pretending

[eye of the storm]

Abandoned, do not get caught up listening to the people it worked out for. All of those couples have one thing in common, the MM/MW made concrete moves to end the marriage and be with the AP. Yours is not doing that.

 

 

If you demand your MM leave his W, what are you getting? A man that didn't choose you or fight for you, just one that wanted you to stop pressuring him. Does that sound like a long term relationship? If you contact the BS and rat him out, then she kicks him out and he comes to you, what are you getting? A man that only came to you because you were the soft landing, not because he wanted you but because you were available.

 

 

Your MM wants you because you are easy. When you stop being easy, he will move on. And I am not referring to sexually easy. As an AP you are constantly trying to show your best, because how do you "win" them if you show them bad days/moods. You don't pressure them like their partner does. They don't have to struggle with bills or chores with you. You are easy.

 

 

The best thing you can do for you is decide you deserve someone who loves you for you. Good, bad, and ugly. Who will stand at your side. You deserve that. Why are you settling for someone that will never do that/be that?

[imsosad]

thank you... this is what i would love to happen to me.... but it seems impossible..

 

How do you mean, impossible?

I can tell you that for us it also seemed "impossible".

I told him after 4 months that I wanted us to divorce and marry. He said yes, then he said no. Usual reasons- didn't want to hurt his wife, didn't want to be a part time dad, financial reasons.

Many times these reasons are ridiculed here, but I think they are fair and valid.

You can love another person other than your spouse, but it doesn't mean you want to lose your family.

I personally know 2 couples who went on and off for years and years before they felt it was the right time to move.

We went NC for a long time.

I was set and focused on healing my marriage. I loved my ex husband, and in a way, I still do.

After a year we realised we could drag this on forever or bite the bullet and start over together.

Being apart was not an option, it was too awful.

We decided to leave. It could have gone another way.

Things are more complicated than 'if he loved you he would leave'.

Let me tell you.

If I didn't know that I would do ok financially, I wouldn't have left.

If I thought my kids wouldn't be able to handle it, I wouldn't leave.

If I thought my ex H would take them out of state.

If I thought my ex would fall apart.

If I thought he couldn't parent well on his own.

So many reasons could have made me stay, none of them have anything to do with my overwhelming feelings for my AP turned partner.

Our circumstances worked out.

Timing was right.

I will say though, that it also depends on how he treats you during the affair.

My guy always treated me lovingly, was always a good friend, made sure I felt loved and important and tried hard to show me he was serious-even when he wasn't ready to leave.

My bottom line to you us to figure out what you want and stick to it.

If you want the real deal, don't settle for an affair.

Go NC and try to move on

Life will take you from there.

Edited May 31, 2018 by imsosad

[Artdeco]

i wish my AP "was always worried that I might meet somebody else who could give me a full-time official R" (which i want....)

 

 

"The fear of losing me though, was probably enough for him to make the decision to D. He did it on his own accord. His choice." that's the fairy tale ending that i want......

 

also may i ask what you mean when you say "I was very well taken care of, in every aspect" ?

 

and... how did you deal with the fact that he goes home to the wife and most probably is kissing her/having sex with her/going out with her etc..?

 

Re: taking care of me:

Well, to me it felt like a normal dating R, just with two households basically......he was always here with me when I needed him, when I needed something fixed around the house, he would come over and fix it, or would send somebody over to fix it, or he would bring me food when I didn’t have time to grocery shop, or took care of me when I was sick, checked up on me etc., watered the plants when I was on business trips, all kinds of “normal”, “boring” things. We also took vacations, and I was emotionally and financially taken care of, even though I really didn’t need any financial help, nor did I ask for it. I simply felt I could (and still can) rely on him. I never doubted his “commitment” (if you can call it that in a situation like that), but I also never took advantage of his generosity and helpfulness. But I did let him take the lead, in general, because I knew that his schedule was strongly dependent on other people’s schedules, unlike mine.

His gifts have always been very thoughtful as well. A few months ago, he surprised me with a piece of art that was painted by one of my favorite local artists. Stuff like that really shows, IMO, that somebody cares.

 

Re his BW and sex and being “home with her”:

 

 

Well, that comes with the territory, and that was basically what I had signed up for. Plus, I don’t think that he was happy and content when he was away from me. There was constant communication, even when he was home, and I could reach out whenever I wanted to. He made himself available if I needed him. No exceptions.....And the sex......don’t think they had that much of it, and like I said, that’s what I signed up for. I was never jealous, either. He always made me feel like it was me he wanted. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have stuck around, neither as an ow nor as a “real” life partner/spouse/gf.

[Artdeco]

How do you mean, impossible?

I can tell you that for us it also seemed "impossible".

I told him after 4 months that I wanted us to divorce and marry. He said yes, then he said no. Usual reasons- didn't want to hurt his wife, didn't want to be a part time dad, financial reasons.

Many times these reasons are ridiculed here, but I think they are fair and valid.

You can love another person other than your spouse, but it doesn't mean you want to lose your family.

I personally know 2 couples who went on and off for years and years before they felt it was the right time to move.

We went NC for a long time.

I was set and focused on healing my marriage. I loved my ex husband, and in a way, I still do.

After a year we realised we could drag this on forever or bite the bullet and start over together.

Being apart was not an option, it was too awful.

We decided to leave. It could have gone another way.

Things are more complicated than 'if he loved you he would leave'.

Let me tell you.

If I didn't know that I would do ok financially, I wouldn't have left.

If I thought my kids wouldn't be able to handle it, I wouldn't leave.

If I thought my ex H would take them out of state.

If I thought my ex would fall apart.

If I thought he couldn't parent well on his own.

So many reasons could have made me stay, none of them have anything to do with my overwhelming feelings for my AP turned partner.

Our circumstances worked out.

Timing was right.

I will say though, that it also depends on how he treats you during the affair.

My guy always treated me lovingly, was always a good friend, made sure I felt loved and important and tried hard to show me he was serious-even when he wasn't ready to leave.

My bottom line to you us to figure out what you want and stick to it.

If you want the real deal, don't settle for an affair.

Go NC and try to move on

Life will take you from there.

 

I totally agree with everything that was said here. With the exception that i was a single ow, many of the points above resonate with me and applied to my A with mm as well. The struggle is real if you must make a decision about whether or not to D, especially with kids involved, and/or a spouse who is not particularly awful. Or a marriage that isn’t particularly bad. And I also agree that “struggling” before a decision to D (esp in the case of a long-term marriage) is not per se based on a lack of love for the AP. That’s just way too simplified and way too black and white ( which is always a problematic way to think about things).

Edited May 31, 2018 by Artdeco

[Cali408]

A lot of times the marriage is good/not bad. I had an affair and finally walked away. Since then, my wife slept with a mutual friend of ours. I didn't have a problem with it.

 

We're both now secure in the marriage and it's going great. I'm not for open marriages in regard to dating or sleeping around. But would be fine if, she had 1 special someone else and I had 1 special someone else.

 

That person would be 500+ miles away and if we wanted to get together a COUPLE of times a year. No problem, jealousy whatsover.

 

The constant talking, texting, and weekly get togethers is too much

 

But a couple of hall passes a year is fine. Monogamish, 99% of the year

[abandoned2018]

How do you mean, impossible?

I can tell you that for us it also seemed "impossible".

I told him after 4 months that I wanted us to divorce and marry. He said yes, then he said no. Usual reasons- didn't want to hurt his wife, didn't want to be a part time dad, financial reasons.

Many times these reasons are ridiculed here, but I think they are fair and valid.

You can love another person other than your spouse, but it doesn't mean you want to lose your family.

I personally know 2 couples who went on and off for years and years before they felt it was the right time to move.

We went NC for a long time.

I was set and focused on healing my marriage. I loved my ex husband, and in a way, I still do.

After a year we realised we could drag this on forever or bite the bullet and start over together.

Being apart was not an option, it was too awful.

We decided to leave. It could have gone another way.

Things are more complicated than 'if he loved you he would leave'.

Let me tell you.

If I didn't know that I would do ok financially, I wouldn't have left.

If I thought my kids wouldn't be able to handle it, I wouldn't leave.

If I thought my ex H would take them out of state.

If I thought my ex would fall apart.

If I thought he couldn't parent well on his own.

So many reasons could have made me stay, none of them have anything to do with my overwhelming feelings for my AP turned partner.

Our circumstances worked out.

Timing was right.

I will say though, that it also depends on how he treats you during the affair.

My guy always treated me lovingly, was always a good friend, made sure I felt loved and important and tried hard to show me he was serious-even when he wasn't ready to leave.

My bottom line to you us to figure out what you want and stick to it.

If you want the real deal, don't settle for an affair.

Go NC and try to move on

Life will take you from there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much... i have tears in my eyes after reading your message... thank you

[William]

Moderation came here to repair some formatting issues with a post and, reading, I'll remind members to focus on anecdotes and experiences of former affair partners who went on to become spouses. That's the topic.

 

ETA, even though the site was gone for awhile, our rules about following moderation directives still applies.

 

 

Also, please do not recount postings from other forums. This is LoveShack.org and we discuss our topics here. Topics on other forums are discussed on those forums. Thanks!

Edited June 3, 2018 by William

[jah526]

I know of two. In both cases both APs were married, and it seems like it was an exit affair for all of them. One was in a volatile, if not abusive, situation in her marriage.

 

On the other hand, there’s my second cousin, who wasted her youth on a married guy. She finally did find love and got married in her 50’s.

 

Seems to me like it’s much less likely for a single AP to become the wife but maybe that’s my own biased perspective.

[niteandfog]

Well I might not be married yet, but we’re committed to each other asa a “normal” married couple would be.

 

We’re pretty much living together now and he’ll move in officially in a a couple of months tops. I don’t know about many affair but I think that for me what made a difference is that a) I never wanted to hear how his marital life was so terrible, never got involved in that nor did he. B) we were both married at the the time we started seeing each other but I filed for divorce within three weeks, moved out in less that three months. C) once I moved out and he got to spend more quality time with me, I could tell that what he really wanted was to spend time with me, thehiding around for us was never really appealing. D) he moved out within three weeks I moved out. E) he came clean a month later because he thought it was the right thing to do. F) At some point I gave him the chance to go back to his family / wife and he didn’t take it.

 

So yesterday we celebrated we’re building a home together. A bit ironic given today is his wedding anniversary, but he’s always claimed he actually never wanted to get married nor loved his wife. How true is that I’ll never know, but what I do know is that he loves me and he makes sure I know it every day of my life

[Overtaxed]

Well I might not be married yet, but we’re committed to each other asa a “normal” married couple would be.

 

We’re pretty much living together now and he’ll move in officially in a a couple of months tops. I don’t know about many affair but I think that for me what made a difference is that a) I never wanted to hear how his marital life was so terrible, never got involved in that nor did he. B) we were both married at the the time we started seeing each other but I filed for divorce within three weeks, moved out in less that three months. C) once I moved out and he got to spend more quality time with me, I could tell that what he really wanted was to spend time with me, thehiding around for us was never really appealing. D) he moved out within three weeks I moved out. E) he came clean a month later because he thought it was the right thing to do. F) At some point I gave him the chance to go back to his family / wife and he didn’t take it.

 

So yesterday we celebrated we’re building a home together. A bit ironic given today is his wedding anniversary, but he’s always claimed he actually never wanted to get married nor loved his wife. How true is that I’ll never know, but what I do know is that he loves me and he makes sure I know it every day of my life

 

This is a great testimony and reminder of what it looks like when 2 people really want to be together. Not months of sneaking around. Not years of back and forth. You guys found each other, and within weeks, were taking actions to make the relationship "real". Now, it still would have been better if you'd both left your marriages first, but it's good that you acted swiftly and decisively to move on. But those posters who are agonizing "does he/she really want to be with me", look at this story. This is what it looks like when a man/woman "really wants to be with me". Not the more common story of a years long affair with a deep/undying love, but the married man/woman just "can't get away from" his/her terrible spouse. If you want it, you make it happen, simple as that.

[niteandfog]

This is a great testimony and reminder of what it looks like when 2 people really want to be together. Not months of sneaking around. Not years of back and forth. You guys found each other, and within weeks, were taking actions to make the relationship "real". Now, it still would have been better if you'd both left your marriages first, but it's good that you acted swiftly and decisively to move on. But those posters who are agonizing "does he/she really want to be with me", look at this story. This is what it looks like when a man/woman "really wants to be with me". Not the more common story of a years long affair with a deep/undying love, but the married man/woman just "can't get away from" his/her terrible spouse. If you want it, you make it happen, simple as that.

 

Thanks Overtaxed! To be fair the first three months were semi agonizing because obviously 99% of people were telling me he was playing with me and that he’s move out by then... but considering it took him 3.5 months from our first kiss to actually moving out, well I’d say that was quick! However the fallout has been as that of any affair. Our daughters seem ok with everything (my daughter even seems happy about him being in her life) but his 10yo son hasn’t spoken to him for the past 3 months... He actually decided he wouldn’t speak to his dad before the truth came out so in a way I just think it’s also a normal separation/divorce consequence. IME deadlines are always good... he set himself some and he always fulfill them. and I never absolutely applied any pressure apart from one comment when I said “i wouldn’t be a forever girlfriend in waiting” but that was it.

 

I think the other massive difference is that he’d had for years a crush on me (close to three when we met) and it turned out that we were perfect for each other so we always cherish that

[Prudence V]

I totally agree with everything that was said here. With the exception that i was a single ow, many of the points above resonate with me and applied to my A with mm as well. The struggle is real if you must make a decision about whether or not to D, especially with kids involved, and/or a spouse who is not particularly awful. Or a marriage that isn’t particularly bad. And I also agree that “struggling” before a decision to D (esp in the case of a long-term marriage) is not per se based on a lack of love for the AP. That’s just way too simplified and way too black and white ( which is always a problematic way to think about things).

 

I would hope that anyone contemplating leaving a marriage - whether “for” someone else, or just because the relationship has run its course - reflects long and hard about that before ending the marriage - especially if there are children involved. Marriage should not be worn so lightly that any flight of fancy can throw it off. I’m rather shocked to see people advocating otherwise - that people who meet someone else and take a fancy to them dump their spouses instantly (or within weeks) rather than giving such a decision the kind of weight I would expect.

 

Most people, when they meet someone new (say, in a dating scenario) spend a good amount of time reflecting on whether or not they see a future with that person, and taking time to get to know them slowly before committing to a “next step”, especially something like moving in together or getting married. So why rush out of a relationship, unless it is abusive?

[niteandfog]

I would hope that anyone contemplating leaving a marriage - whether “for” someone else, or just because the relationship has run its course - reflects long and hard about that before ending the marriage - especially if there are children involved. Marriage should not be worn so lightly that any flight of fancy can throw it off. I’m rather shocked to see people advocating otherwise - that people who meet someone else and take a fancy to them dump their spouses instantly (or within weeks) rather than giving such a decision the kind of weight I would expect.

 

Most people, when they meet someone new (say, in a dating scenario) spend a good amount of time reflecting on whether or not they see a future with that person, and taking time to get to know them slowly before committing to a “next step”, especially something like moving in together or getting married. So why rush out of a relationship, unless it is abusive?

 

So are you advocating top stay in a loveless marriage because of the children??

[Prudence V]

So are you advocating top stay in a loveless marriage because of the children??

 

No not at all! but marriages do not become “loveless” overnight. If you have been feeling it going south, and trying to do something about it, and it’s not worked, then you’ve reflected, and your leaving wouldn’t be premature.

 

But if you’ve suddenly felt your knees go wobbly when this new person walks into your office, without the “feeling it going south, trying to fix it, nothing working” scenario preceding it, then IMV it’s silly to expect you to pack and leave your marriage immediately. And if you did, I’d be sceptical of it lasting. Unless you’d actually worked through the ending of your marriage - before or after meeting someone new - walking away will involve doubts.

 

Unless the marriage is abusive. If it’s abusive, leave yesterday already.