BettyDraper Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 I agree, but I don't see how that equates to him suddenly not being allowed to have any alone time. I don't think it is healthy for couples to be together 24/7. One of the most unhappy wives I know is with her husband, literally, 24/7. I agree that couples should have time apart. I just think that the OP could compromise with his wife without giving up his hobbies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morrowrd Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 She's welcome on these trips, but I take off time in the middle of the week, and she's unable to do that. Friday night is usually a date night, which extends into the weekend. Hence our private term "datenight weekend." I mention this just to point out that I when I come home, it's all about her and us. By the way, she's reading these responses and we've been talking about each one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morrowrd Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 You got married and now she owns you Classic man/woman thing. Man gets married expecting same/same, woman gets married and expects change/change. The trips are the tip of the change iceberg, IMO. How much stink did she make about the trips in the 2 1/2 years you were together before being married? She told me that she gave it a lot of thought, before I asked her to marry me. She tells me that she knew she would have to accept this as a part of who I was. This is one of those situations when compromise is important. I don't think that you should have to give up your trips completely. Perhaps you can make them less frequent though. You are a newlywed so this is the time for cocooning. Refusing to make an effort to meet your wife halfway is selfish. It would also be unreasonable for her to expect you to never take such trips again. It could be helpful for your wife to develop some hobbies of her own. I just don't think that hobbies and getaways should ever take precedence over a marriage. I loved the term cocooning. I think that is endearing. She has things she likes to do, not really hobbies, but I don't think that's the problem.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author morrowrd Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 A lot of women are trained to treat their natural reactions as some mysterious female thing. Honestly this sounds like a normal human thing, but she doesn't know how else to put it. She feels vulnerable in the relationship because you are going away a lot. She associates "feeling vulnerable in romance" as being a "female thing" so she describes it that way. Some people are more clingy than others. You're only recently married, she's probably feeling more uncertain about herself right now. Does she WANT to be included in the trips? Or does she just feel a bit sulky about you being gone? Try to talk together with her about what she really wants, not just what she feels like she's supposed to want. She may have a lot of confused feelings about how newlyweds are supposed to behave and instinctively feel like this means you don't love her because your behavior doesn't fit the standard pattern... but that doesn't necessarily mean that deep down she wants you to change. It may be that once she gets used to being married, she'll be more okay with you being gone. Or that she'll even enjoy teasing you about being gone and getting some pampering in return. I am a man who doesn't mind clingy. I like it actually so that's a non issue with me. And this girl is a pampered princess - she'll even admit to that. It's more number #2 about being sulky, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 By the way, she's reading these responses and we've been talking about each one. That's awesome . Link to post Share on other sites
Author morrowrd Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 or within the first 30 days Not all items have to be decided before the marriage.. if that were true they would never grow I agree. You can't work out every damn thing before you're married. I think you can figure out the big stuff. The problem here is, I figured these trips were a given. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morrowrd Posted May 22, 2018 Author Share Posted May 22, 2018 He's only going 2 days a week for 2 months out of the year. This is no different than someone who is a "hunting widow." Shall we ban all hunters from getting married? I thought the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
awesomeblondie Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) There is nothing wrong with your trips. You have been doing them for a long time. Marriage is a partnership, but you are not just her husband - you are your own person too. Just because you're married now, it does not mean that you have to stop being you. I think what you're doing is actually healthy. You are taking care of yourself. Her separation anxiety sounds like a legitimate thing (not just "a female thing"), but psychologically speaking - if it impairs everyday life or interpersonal relationships, then it's maladaptive and should be addressed professionally. It is not healthy for your relationship that she punishes you for going on the trips. She is aware that she is wrong, but if she's unable to move past this herself she should see a therapist. Edited May 23, 2018 by awesomeblondie spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 No, it's not a female thing. I love free time to myself, don't mind when someone is gone. Don't give into it. If it's a real problem for her and not just her way of keeping you home, then she should seek help for it. Find out if she also has separation anxiety when she lived at her parents' house or had other roommates. If not and it's just you, it's something she needs to work on. Don't give up things you love. Partners should enhance you, not take things away from you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vanhalenfan Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 I have been going on camping trips in the spring, since 1991. Sometimes for several days - I like the freshness of spring, the quiet of the forest, and wandering there is recharging. To the point, my wife is very snotty with texts she sends while I'm out there (hope I'm not interrupting but - ) and cold when I come home. It takes her a couple days to snap out of it. This past trip (I go Thurs - Fri so I'm home Friday evening for the weekend) it turned into somewhat of a conflict. A little background - we have been married a month, but living together for 2 years, 2 1/2 in a relationship. We work together, and we have been friends 13 years before our romance started (story in itself) so she was well aware of these trips long ago. I have changed them to not be so long, only two day excursions, once per week during the months of April and May. I'm here the rest of the week and weekends - I adore her, give her plenty of affection and attention, I love her and always try to make her feel safe, secure, needed, and wanted. She's told me that this is the first time in her life where she feels safe - which makes me feel good. However, these forest trips have been part of my life for a long time, and I'm not giving them up. She tells me it's separation anxiety, a female thing. Last night we went out on a date, and talked about this issue. She says that inside she misses me, and wants to jump into my arms when I come home, but somehow can't. Her walls go up, and she says its because of the separation, inside she's afraid of losing me and disengages emotionally, as a defense mechanism. I've been married before, and in other relationships before her, nothing like this ever happened....with these trips. Is this a her thing? or a female thing? It's not a female thing, but more of an insecure thing. What have her past relationships been like to shape her to react like this? I can tell you...I am an insecure female and my significant other takes International business trips for 3-4 weeks. That is killer for me. But I have adjusted over the past year. Your wife seems to be on the extreme side..2 days is a drop in the bucket. I do not agree that this is a "female thing". Just an "insecure person thing". Issues you two need to deal with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 She knew about these trips when she married you. It's her problem. Every person should be able to be alone for a couple of days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 She knew about these trips when she married you. It's her problem. Every person should be able to be alone for a couple of days. If a person has a drinking problem and a spouse knew about it before the marriage is it still their problem ? BTW, not comparing what the OP is dealing with to addiction, just posting to this reply to the point that just because she knew about it before the marriage doesn't make it her problem and hers to deal with only. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 If a person has a drinking problem and a spouse knew about it before the marriage is it still their problem ? BTW, not comparing what the OP is dealing with to addiction, just posting to this reply to the point that just because she knew about it before the marriage doesn't make it her problem and hers to deal with only. Did she say it was a "problem" before they got married, though? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 Did she say it was a "problem" before they got married, though? So something is to never be a problem just because someone doesn't air the issue or was okay with it at one time ? Horse hockey.. it's a fluid marriage with things changing all the time. If I work 50-60 hours a week and do so before the marriage but get married does that make it never to be an issue just because I was doing that before the marriage ? what about when a kid comes along ? I guess I get to play the you knew before we were married card then ? You have been married, you mean to tell me that every single issue you had with your then husband formed inside the marriage and none of them started before you were married ? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 You have been married, you mean to tell me that every single issue you had with your then husband formed inside the marriage and none of them started before you were married ? lol yes, pretty much. He was 21 and I was 23 when we married. We were children . We didn't know what issues were . Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 He said she knew about the trips all along. She shouldn't make it his problem. She should grow up and deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 He said she knew about the trips all along. She shouldn't make it his problem. She should grow up and deal with it. I agree. I don't think a marriage will do very well when the man can't have a little time to himself. It's healthy to give yourselves a chance to miss each other. It will be good for her to learn how to enjoy her own time. She can do her own solo things or do things with friends. Requiring him to be there all the time would be codependent and unreasonable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I am fairly independent and in our marriage, I am typically the one Travelling for work. But, I have to say, I would be pretty hot if my husband of one month was leaving for two days every week and thought nothing of it. Your marriage is brand new. Each of you will change and adapt. But you need to compromise here. Ask her to go with you, go once a month. Once a week for eight weeks is - in my opinion - way too much. I wouldn’t want it even today after being married awhile. It would say to me that my husband couldn’t handle being married so he had to run off and be by himself for awhile or it would say that my husband hasn’t really committed to the idea of partnership and marriage. What concerns me is she told you it’s a problem and excessive - and particularly because you are still in the active honeymoon phase - and you are unwilling to compromise. This is your marriage. Arguably the most important achievement in your life. Seems like it should be worth a compromise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 It's only for two months, and I'm guessing weather permitting. She knew about it when she married you. I assume if she wanted to go, you'd let her as long as you didn't have to compromise everyone else by doing so or babysit her the whole time. It's great that she knows when it's going to happen, because it isn't like she finds out at the last minute and can't make plans of her own. If it were me, I'd be making plans to see friends and relatives and taking advantage of it. You worked together, so it sounds like it would be healthy for the marriage to have some time apart. If she had a beef about this, she should have brought it up before marrying you. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 I'm a woman and see absolutely no problem with your trips since they only take place during 1/6 of the year. So no, absolutely not a woman thing. And as noted, even though you're newlyweds, your relationship as a couple is NOT new. I don't understand marriage meaning you should stop these camping trips. If anything, she should feel MORE secure now with not always being together. Seems both of you have support in the posted comments for your positions, so this is something the two of you will have to figure out without a clear consensus on this forum. Just be honest with each other - if it will make you resent her if your trips are taken away in part or in whole, then be honest about that so she'll understand. Maybe she can try to better verbalize her objections since it's not just a "'woman thing". She needs to be honest and clear about what she's feeling. It might be something that simply thoroughly talking through will resolve, with or without a compromise on the trips. It's really great the two of you are reading the posts together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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