How often do women dumpers come back

[SevenCity]

I am not sure if this holds. My ex left me for a graduate student in education. At the height of his career, he will not be making 1/3 of my base salary in law. His salary is more in line with my bonus. I think it is more about simple attraction waning. Attraction comes and goes in cycles. Psychology 101.

 

There are many women looking but to upgrade lifestyle, but most leave because of emotions. Once they don’t “feel” good that’s when they start lining up a replacement.

 

He can be a jobless douche but the way he makes her feel is better than the way you do. So she’ll then tell you about it.

 

Most women dumpers don’t cone back. You have a lot better chance of a male dumper returning. I believe that’s because guys look at things logically rather than how they are made to feel. She was a good woman, most of the women I dated were bad, I’ll call her up again.

[somanymistakes]

Lol, a lot of guys think they are being super-logical when actually it's all about how they feel, they just describe their feelings as facts.

 

Honestly, when any of us, male or female, in this thread are talking about "better chances" it's pretty much all based on guesswork, personal anecdotes, and our feelings of what people are like. We don't have a lot of actual evidence here.

[JuneL]

But how is she irrational for picking a guy that makes her happier? Do men choose a woman that’s making him miserable just because she’s supposed to be great on paper?

 

There are many women looking but to upgrade lifestyle, but most leave because of emotions. Once they don’t “feel” good that’s when they start lining up a replacement.

 

He can be a jobless douche but the way he makes her feel is better than the way you do. So she’ll then tell you about it.

 

Most women dumpers don’t cone back. You have a lot better chance of a male dumper returning. I believe that’s because guys look at things logically rather than how they are made to feel. She was a good woman, most of the women I dated were bad, I’ll call her up again.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never gone back to someone I broke up with, but they always get in touch with me again at some point. In a few cases it's been hard to talk as a friend because I really loved him and felt he was a great guy overall, just didn't feel we were right together.

 

The one I left 6 years ago asked for a second chance and we tried again, same problems. Then he came back again and I got the strong feeling he wanted to try again, and I did, too, but I left it alone and eventually stopped responding, as it was keeping me kinda hooked on the idea of us.

 

I still think about him more than I should and sometimes wish he'd try to get back together, even think about asking him if he wants to get back together. If he's single, I think he might. But ultimately I realize I left, twice, for good reasons, and what's done is done.

[SevenCity]

But how is she irrational for picking a guy that makes her happier? Do men choose a woman that’s making him miserable just because she’s supposed to be great on paper?

 

Because often, she keeps on pretending everything is fine while she shops for your replacement and you are only told once it is official.

[somanymistakes]

That's not irrational, that's ruthless.

 

It's mean, but it's quite rational, it maximises value and comfort for her.

[carhill]

How often do women dumpers come back

 

I've been through the gamut in life, from dating to marriage and IME the result is 'never'.

 

Happy to report that.

[Neruda20]

That's not irrational, that's ruthless.

 

It's mean, but it's quite rational, it maximises value and comfort for her.

 

Ruthless, but common from the experience of many men I know.

[SevenCity]

The ladies who do that sort of thing usually end up making a pattern out of it. Find a guy they think makes them happy, get together for a while. Happiness wanes, find a new guy that makes them happier, then break up with the old guy. Rinse and repeat every so often.

 

In my experience, and that of my male friends, a lot to most do this.

[Neruda20]

Every single GF I ever had has contacted me eventually wanting to meet, hook up, date, get back together, what have you. Every last one. I even had a girl that I only kissed once when I was 15 come back into my life a year or so ago, and was interested in dating, but I am seeing someone so it didn't happen.

 

That's quite impressive. If I may, how long did they wait to reach out on average? How did you respond?

[marky00]

It wasn't a very amicable breakup, no. I was awful.

 

Long story short, he was a great guy and wanted to get married, I had a lot of problems and was afraid that I could never be a good enough wife, so I cheated on him, we broke up, and then I threw myself into a series of terrible relationships with people who would treat me badly so that I wouldn't get too attached to them, all the while insisting to him that I just wanted to be friends.

 

(This is an oversimplification but it gets the point across).

 

I can't recommend that anyone wait around for ten years hoping that their high school sweetheart will finally get her sh*t together, though. Especially given that I'm a walking dramabomb. Do you really want your crazy ex-girlfriend back? Most people wouldn't.

 

Interesting.

 

Even more interesting he stayed in contact with you and you didn't lose even more respect for him hanging around after the way he was treated.

 

Normally what he did pushes the female dumper away further. He really should have been ignoring you until you literally put it on paper that you had made a BIG mistake. Interesting case but, albeit a rare one.

[marky00]

I don't see how someone could get frustrated by becoming a better person.

 

 

ahh and that's the key point. You do it for yourself. The way you framed your first post, it was more about doing things that might make your ex think differently about you.

 

The frustration comes if its not 100% for yourself.

 

Oh, and I have had many exes come back as well but once I learned that 2nd and 3rd tries never work out well, I stopped entertaining the idea of reconciliations.

Edited May 22, 2018 by marky00

[MrWhite]

100% for me.

All three came back after at some time with an attempt to reconcile.

I assume I was a guy you marry, not who you "party" with.

All GIGS.

Edited May 29, 2018 by MrWhite

[basil67]

Oh, I missed this post! I had a couple of breakups and swift reunions with my bf when I was 15 or so. And one with my ex husband when we were still dating when I was 18. I've never done it in my adulthood.

 

As for reaching out afterwards.....for me, reaching out isn't about getting attention. Rather, it's because I don't dislike them and am happy to share a beer in their company. If I found out that they'd moved on, I'd be delighted for them.

 

Enigma mentioned something about their self improvement. My ex-H went on a self improvement thing after I left. (he'd ignored the issues while we were together) However, I knew the changes were to get me back and not because he wanted to make himself a better man. His changes came too late to make any difference to my decision.

[Beachead]

My ex was having problems with her then boyfriend of nearly 4 years at the time. I can make an educated guess that those problems they had were around for awhile. For whatever reason, when she met me, she decided she was done trying to work it out with him and left him. 3 months later, when she felt the grass wasn't greener with me, she left me and returned to him. They've been together ever since and recently got married.

 

From his perspective, his girl left him and then went back to him. Whether they're happy or not, I don't know. But, it can happen.

 

- Beach

Edited May 29, 2018 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

To be fair. Sometimes people never regret their choice no matter now much we improve. You should only make these changes if it is something you want to do.

Sometimes we just have to accept that people come and go in life.

 

O

Enigma mentioned something about their self improvement. My ex-H went on a self improvement thing after I left. (he'd ignored the issues while we were together) However, I knew the changes were to get me back and not because he wanted to make himself a better man. His changes came too late to make any difference to my decision.

 

Yep. That's why I think self improvement should be for u. Like if u cheated and they left, change urself so u dont cheat next time etc. But dont change to bring them back, because you get the reaction like basil's

[Twelve9]

depends on the reason why they dumped you

[Neruda20]

depends on the reason why they dumped you

 

And therein lies the problem for me. Do I take her at her word (whereby she told me that "I cannot love you how you love me" and cited distance, no foreseeable reunion, etc. as factors in our breakup – though those same factors do not seem to matter in regards to her new boyfriend) or my belief which is she wanted to see what else was out there?

[springy]

Why would you take your belief over her actual words? What she said does indicate she’s looking for a better match, but still, what difference does it make?

Edited June 10, 2018 by springy

[Neruda20]

Why would you take your belief over her actual words? What she said does indicate she’s looking for a better match, but still, what difference does it make?

 

Because I suspected there was someone else in the picture months prior and the reasons she gave were cast aside when applied to the new guy. The difference being she made me question my intuition and made me feel like I was reading things wrong.

[Beachead]

Never take someone at their word when they break up with you. It is almost always some feel good BS to ease the burden of breaking up with someone. It's like the old saying, "It's not you, it's me." BS.

 

Facts.

 

When someone ended it, they thought about it for a long time. They received your best and decided to leave because your best wasn't good enough. They believe they can get better and deserve better. So in this process, when they choose to leave you, they choose to be with someone else.

 

We never believe the person who dumped us could do such a thing. It must be a mistake. They must be confused. Ego stops us from accepting. We stay longer than we should because the truth hurts and in our heartbreak, we become succeptible to believe anything that will soothe the pain. Even if it is bs. We suffer..tremendously.

 

My advice to anyone now is going forward, if they break up with you, wish them well and walk away. Their business with you ends upon that decision.

 

- Beach

Edited June 10, 2018 by Beachead

[somanymistakes]

Facts.

 

When someone ended it, they thought about it for a long time. They received your best and decided to leave because your best wasn't good enough. They believe they can get better and deserve better. So in this process, when they choose to leave you, they choose to be with someone else.

 

That's a very harsh way to put it and not really fair. It's the way a lot of people think after a breakup, but it's a BAD way to think, because it makes you either depressed ("I'm not good enough") or angry ("How dare she judge me")

 

If you order wine, get terrible wine, and refuse to drink it then yeah, it's because "it wasn't good enough". If you order wine and get really great fruit juice but don't drink it because that's not what you were looking for, it doesn't mean that the fruit juice "wasn't good enough". It just wasn't right. Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences that have nothing to do with how "good" you are.

 

Breakups are complicated! It's not as simple as "well, I could do better". Sometimes it's exactly the opposite. Sometimes it's "he deserves better than me". Sometimes it's "this relationship is bad for both of us"

[HiCrunchy]

Facts.

 

When someone ended it, they thought about it for a long time. They received your best and decided to leave because your best wasn't good enough. They believe they can get better and deserve better. So in this process, when they choose to leave you, they choose to be with someone else.

 

We never believe the person who dumped us could do such a thing. It must be a mistake. They must be confused. Ego stops us from accepting. We stay longer than we should because the truth hurts and in our heartbreak, we become succeptible to believe anything that will soothe the pain. Even if it is bs. We suffer..tremendously.

 

My advice to anyone now is going forward, if they break up with you, wish them well and walk away. Their business with you ends upon that decision.

 

- Beach

 

Soo true. If we were better at accepting these words, life would be much simpler.

[HiCrunchy]

That's a very harsh way to put it and not really fair. It's the way a lot of people think after a breakup, but it's a BAD way to think, because it makes you either depressed ("I'm not good enough") or angry ("How dare she judge me")

 

If you order wine, get terrible wine, and refuse to drink it then yeah, it's because "it wasn't good enough". If you order wine and get really great fruit juice but don't drink it because that's not what you were looking for, it doesn't mean that the fruit juice "wasn't good enough". It just wasn't right. Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences that have nothing to do with how "good" you are.

 

Breakups are complicated! It's not as simple as "well, I could do better". Sometimes it's exactly the opposite. Sometimes it's "he deserves better than me". Sometimes it's "this relationship is bad for both of us"

 

It might be harsh, but its the truth. Because you aren't right, you aren't worth it.At least to them, and in a break up with the dumper, their opinion is what is most important, because as the dumpee all you want is to be worth it to the dumper. Objective worth, isn't really important because it won't change the out come of anything

 

Its best to accept and understand you weren't good enough for them. Because if you were, they would be with you.

[Beachead]

That's a very harsh way to put it and not really fair. It's the way a lot of people think after a breakup, but it's a BAD way to think, because it makes you either depressed ("I'm not good enough") or angry ("How dare she judge me")

 

If you order wine, get terrible wine, and refuse to drink it then yeah, it's because "it wasn't good enough". If you order wine and get really great fruit juice but don't drink it because that's not what you were looking for, it doesn't mean that the fruit juice "wasn't good enough". It just wasn't right. Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences that have nothing to do with how "good" you are.

 

Breakups are complicated! It's not as simple as "well, I could do better". Sometimes it's exactly the opposite. Sometimes it's "he deserves better than me". Sometimes it's "this relationship is bad for both of us"

 

Tell that to the people who've been ripped apart and had their heart dragged through the mud simply because they chose to believe in all that grey that supposedly makes it "Complicated."

 

"I just have to figure things out.."

"I just want to focus on me.."

"I want to travel for awhile.."

"It's not you. You were amazing. It's just I'm not at a place I can give anything.."

"Lets be friends first.."

"Lets stay in touch.."

"Lets take a break.."

 

It's spun in such a way where it makes complete sense. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's not. We accept it cause lets be honest, we're in such pain, any connection is better than no connection even if it erodes us. We stay and attempt friendship and offer support while lying to ourselves the whole time about how we feel and what the situation really is. We don't know why our mood is slipping but it's really because we're disrespecting ourself everyday by sticking around a person who rejected our best. The frustration and pain builds up and this goes on until BAM.. someone else comes into the picture. Sometimes they were already there. We're left to feel like an idiot when we watch how they phase us out of their life, and it's at THAT point, we realize we should have walked away the day they ended it with us.

 

And it's not because it just happened that way for the person who dumped us..it's what the plan always was whether they knew it or not.

 

9 times out of 10.

 

If it sounds harsh..it's because it is. There is nothing remotely pleasant about a breakup.

 

- Beach

Edited June 11, 2018 by Beachead