BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Asunflower, while broken up did he date others ? This is a really good question. Did he date with and/or have sex with others while you were not together? Especially insightful, considering his past history of cheating. If he in fact had other relationships while you were separated, but expects you to remain pure as a new snowfall... Well, that double standard is very telling of his expectations for your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asunflower Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 This is a really good question. Did he date with and/or have sex with others while you were not together? Especially insightful, considering his past history of cheating. If he in fact had other relationships while you were separated, but expects you to remain pure as a new snowfall... Well, that double standard is very telling of his expectations for your relationship. He went on a few dates but says he didn t have sex... He was after his divorce amd when he broke up with me he wanted to make it work with his wife... So, in a way, he was trying something. That was more hurtful for me than any sex he had or not during the summer... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 He went on a few dates but says he didn t have sex... He was after his divorce amd when he broke up with me he wanted to make it work with his wife... So, in a way, he was trying something. That was more hurtful for me than any sex he had or not during the summer... Maybe I'm missing something, I apologize if I get this wrong... Were you his affair partner? Did he date other women after his divorce, only to then return to you... Or, did he date you, try to get back with his wife, date other women, and then return to you? I'm struggling to understand the timeline of this relationship and I don't want to make any incorrect assumptions... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 He went on a few dates but says he didn t have sex... He was after his divorce amd when he broke up with me he wanted to make it work with his wife... So, in a way, he was trying something. That was more hurtful for me than any sex he had or not during the summer... Bet he woulda if he coulda... It seems to me that all this is unbalanced and he is asking something of you that he himself can't say he is clean from either... Not sure where it will go from here but as long as you are talking to each other and listening then maybe it will work out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asunflower Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 Maybe I'm missing something, I apologize if I get this wrong... Were you his affair partner? Did he date other women after his divorce, only to then return to you... Or, did he date you, try to get back with his wife, date other women, and then return to you? I'm struggling to understand the timeline of this relationship and I don't want to make any incorrect assumptions... Yes, i was his affair partner... we were together, but we broke up many times, so there were times we didn t talk or see each other. During this time, his wife also had an affair(apparently, no sex with the other man but i doubt it). She then found out about me and a hell started for everyone. This was 2015-2016. He would keep coming back to me and leave again, he didn t get a divorce but also didn t want to make it work with her(back in 2016). He finally moved out in Dec 2016 and they divorced in 2017 june. She started seeing someone else during the divorce and he went kinda nuts and that s when he broke up with me the last time(and that s when i slept with the guy)... I figured he won t come back again since he said he wants to try to get back together with her for the kids... He spent the summer alone(that s when he dated) and came back to me to have a relationship, one that we both wanted to have... I know, so much drama... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 (edited) Yes, i was his affair partner... we were together, but we broke up many times, so there were times we didn t talk or see each other. During this time, his wife also had an affair(apparently, no sex with the other man but i doubt it). She then found out about me and a hell started for everyone. This was 2015-2016. He would keep coming back to me and leave again, he didn t get a divorce but also didn t want to make it work with her(back in 2016). He finally moved out in Dec 2016 and they divorced in 2017 june. She started seeing someone else during the divorce and he went kinda nuts and that s when he broke up with me the last time(and that s when i slept with the guy)... I figured he won t come back again since he said he wants to try to get back together with her for the kids... He spent the summer alone(that s when he dated) and came back to me to have a relationship, one that we both wanted to have... I know, so much drama... So much drama. Relationships aren't supposed to have this much drama... It's little wonder why this man has so many issues with sex... and trust. He went back to make it work with his wife, after they had both had affairs. That's not a good plan, certainly not healthy for his children. He then dated around and came back to you... But, you were supposed to be waiting patiently for him, and only him, as many MM seem to expect of their other women. You know this is not healthy, right? And probably not sustainable long term... Edited March 24, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/656252-boyfriend-prostitutes#post7564972 My friend, this is about so much more than the fact that you slept with a guy while you were broken up. This guy is bad news. This is not healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asunflower Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/656252-boyfriend-prostitutes#post7564972 My friend, this is about so much more than the fact that you slept with a guy while you were broken up. This guy is bad news. This is not healthy. He really isn t a bad person... He has made some poor choices in his life, yes... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 (edited) He really isn t a bad person... He has made some poor choices in his life, yes... He makes poor choices, definitely. It certainly doesn't mean that you have to go along with him... I would say that by choosing to stay with him, knowingly accepting this behavior, and putting your own health at risk... He is not the one making bad decisions. Edited March 24, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 You should break up with him. He's crazy! I'm sorry, but what fool expects fidelity from a woman AFTER they're broken up? Come on. You know this is nuts or you wouldn't be here writing. Do you want to live with someone like this and have kids with him? He'll be accusing you throughout your whole life and abusing you about it. You might suggest therapy for him to sort out his insecurity and entitlement issues with women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 I would bet a large sum of money that he slept with prostitutes while you were broken up. If not also while you were still together. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/656252-boyfriend-prostitutes Frankly, I think he deserves good smackdown with something like "well you with all your hookers while were together...not to mention cheating on your wife with me....don't you DARE give me a hard time because I slept with a guy while we were broken up. If you want me to help you work through your issues, you will NEVER raise this topic with me again" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asunflower Posted March 25, 2018 Author Share Posted March 25, 2018 Thank you all... I know it seems unfair to hold this against me, considering everything he s done... But it is how it is and i cannot change the way he feels. Although we are together and working thru this, what hurts more it s that he said that we will break up if he cannot move past this... And i m like “ok, now what? What am i supposed to do? When will you know you aste past that? Etc” This creates a lot of guilt in me because it s kinda “this relationship will end because I did something”... At some level i don t even know how to be in it anymore, having this perspective that it might end. I even asked”ok, if this is such a big issue for you, why didn t u just leave when i told u? Why didn t u leave yet? Why ru still here?” And he says that there are things more important than what i did and that he wants to be with me. Considering i was his AP and lived thru that relationship with a possible END in my mind, now that we are in a normal relationship i find mylself kinda in the same place somehow. And he tells me that he doesn t think i am a bad person for doing this, that he doesnt judge me, that he knows we were not together etc. I just don t understand, really DON T understand how a man that did some ****ty stuff in his life can have such a mentality and be so hurt about me sleeping with ONE guy, when he lied and cheated and visited whores. It really f**cks my mind. I m really trying to be normal in all this, but i feel that the constant thought that he could leave doesn t let me fully enjoy and be 100% present in this relationship. I want it to grow and evolve, but i m guessing many things are postponed because of this issue. I didn t meet his kids yet, we don t live together yet, i stay with him when kids are not there and i come home when they visit him. He doesn t have a schedule with the kids, they stay with him mostly when they want to(maybe 2-3 days a week), but we don t know when exactly. He usually plans this with the ex one or two days before... Things are so uncertain, i guess that is the problem. There are uncertain things, uncertainty regarding the path of this relationship (having this issue now). I know i should just let it be the way it is and find a way to be ok for now, but i just can t seem to find a way to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 I know i should just let it be the way it is and find a way to be ok for now, but i just can t seem to find a way to do so. Absolutely, categorically NO. You should not let it be the way it is. And it's NOT ok for now. Where is your self esteem? Your backbone? You're right that it's how he feels and that you can't change him. Which is why the only correct response from you is to either give him a verbal smack down and ultimatum of never raising the issue again..... or leave him. What has happened in your life to make you believe you can't do better than this dude? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 He really isn t a bad person... He has made some poor choices in his life, yes... Very few people are 100% bad. But there's enough bad here to warrant walking away from him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Asunflower, while broken up did he date others ? He was MARRIED. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asunflower Posted March 25, 2018 Author Share Posted March 25, 2018 He was MARRIED. He was already divorced when we were broken up. But yes he was married while we were together... and he also visited sex workers while we were together and before we met... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 The problem, as he puts it it s that i gave something to another man/someone else touched me, stuff like that. He doesn t treat me poorly, we are trying to be friends in this issue, he goes to therapy. He said it s his issue and i cannot help him, that he s the one who can fix it. Latey he s been thinking that perhaps this has to do with his mother somehow, deep childhoow issues... I love him and i don t want this relationship to end because of this... I never cheated on him nor slept with another man when we were together, even if he was married... I don't understand you. He's annoyed because you, a single woman at the time, had sex with another man. You had every right to do that. Someone else touched you. Boo hoo hoo for him. You get a day over who touches your body, not him. The fact that you continued to let him touch you after you found out he was using you to cheat on his wife doesn't exactly make you the most virtuous person in the world so it's utterly ridiculous that he can't deal with your decision to enter into a relationship you were allowed to have because you were single. He had sex with you & prostitutes while he was married! He can't handle you doing something you were allowed to do but you forgive him for committing adultery multiple times (in part because he cheated with you.) Do you not see the unfair double standard here? Why doesn't that make you angry? Why are you making excuses for him & trying to help him understand his own lousy behavior? I'd be mad as hell that he was trying to force this crock down my throat. You said it F**ks your mind. It should. It's not right. You need to figure out why you think so little of yourself that you continue to work so hard to hold on to somebody who is not worth this level of effort. Mark my words, once he gets bored with you, he'll be back to the prostitutes & cheating on you. Then where will you be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 (edited) I hope you are getting some individual counselling. Edited March 25, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Asunflower, bottom line is you just have to decide how much you can and will put up with from him. Only you can make that decision. I and others who are probably not responding here do understand what it's like to hang on because you really do love him, even when he puts you through shxx. It's undoubtedly some kind of issue we have with not feeling we truly deserve better. It should be clear from reading the responses what the consensus is. Now you just have to figure out what you're going to do about it. If you decide to stick with him, knowing he may pull the plug again at any moment, then you just have to be willing to deal with that. That's what I've told myself, I only have two choices. I either have to put an end to it or deal with it. That's what you have to decide for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Asunflower, you have something going on that you need to work on why any of this would be at all understandable or acceptable to you, his double-standard. He is a lousy guy with terrible ethics who just uses women. He has no ethics! He's a bad person. Yes, even a bad person can be nice when they want something from you. You need to be in therapy to find out why this does not make you MAD. You are being a doormat to this jerk. Your self-esteem must be under your feet for you to accept this treatement. Why does that seem normal enough for you? Was there someone in your family who felt it was okay to cheat but expect the other person to remain faithful? If so, then I see why you think it's normal, but it ISN'T. They're messed up too. Please wake up and dump this bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 Although we are together and working thru this, what hurts more it s that he said that we will break up if he cannot move past this... And i m like “ok, now what? What am i supposed to do? When will you know you aste past that? Etc” This creates a lot of guilt in me because it s kinda “this relationship will end because I did something”... At some level i don t even know how to be in it anymore, having this perspective that it might end. I even asked”ok, if this is such a big issue for you, why didn t u just leave when i told u? Why didn t u leave yet? Why ru still here?” And he says that there are things more important than what i did and that he wants to be with me. I'll tell you what you should do in response to this. You should tell him: Look, this is not MY problem. I did nothing wrong here. We were broken up and I was single so I did what I wanted, and had every right to do that. Now if you can't accept that, it's YOUR problem, and it's not fair of you to make ME feel guilty for my perfectly normal behaviour. It's not fair to make out that I did something wrong, or make out that you need to 'forgive' me for anything or 'move on' from what I did! I did nothing wrong! Now you need to choose box A or box B. Box A is simple, a break up. Box B means you acknowledge that I did nothing wrong and will not punish or blame me any more. You have to get over your problem without making it my problem. If you can't do that, then choose box A instead. There is no box C. Choose. Now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Asunflower Posted March 26, 2018 Author Share Posted March 26, 2018 I actually yelled at him today and asked “why ru still here if this bothers u so much? Why didn t u leave already? Why aren t u leaving? “ And he said he doesn t want to leave, that is not what he wants. He is feeling guilty because i mention in our conversations that i was ****ed up and angry after he dumped me and that s the emotional state that caused me to have sex with someone else. And this is the truth. I was faithful to him throughout our relationshp when he was MARRIED! He cannot accept his guilt and what he did to me. In fact i think that he is mad at HIMSELF but he is putting it on me Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 i mention in our conversations that i was ****ed up and angry after he dumped me and that s the emotional state that caused me to have sex with someone else Why are you making excuses? Or blaming him? Or whatever it is that you're doing here in order to avoid the crux of the matter? The crux being: you did nothing wrong. You were single and free to do exactly as you pleased. You don't have to make excuses to him or to yourself or to ANYONE. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 My friend, the consensus has been unanimous in this, and your other, discussion. This relationship is a nightmare. If that is what you want for YOUR life, then stay at your own risk. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 Why are you making excuses? Or blaming him? Or whatever it is that you're doing here in order to avoid the crux of the matter? The crux being: you did nothing wrong. You were single and free to do exactly as you pleased. You don't have to make excuses to him or to yourself or to ANYONE. My friend, the consensus has been unanimous in this, and your other, discussion. This relationship is a nightmare. If that is what you want for YOUR life, then stay at your own risk. Dear, you see where Pete bolded that above. That is the entire point. You don't need a reason, you have nothing to justify, you are a grown a** woman. You can sleep with anyone that you want to when you are single. And I don't even think that being in a "Relationship" with a married may even counts as a relationship. And what Baily wrote is even more to the point. Listen, this guy has issues, he has really big harry issues that unless he is super strong and super introspective, it is unlikely that he will be able to work through these issues for a long time. You have got to move on. You know what is worse than what you are going through right now, realizing in 2, 5, 7, or 10 years from now that everyone on LS was right. You really need to dump this guy and try to find someone not crazy. You know what the best thing about my new GF is... Oh, she is beautiful, super sexy, she loves me like no one ever has and all of that is great. But you know what the best thing is...SHE IS NOT CRAZY IN ANY WAY. Until you have been exposed to "NOT CRAZY" you really can't understand how wonderful it is... Link to post Share on other sites
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