Another one of these dates

[littleblackheart]

Thank you for the encouragement!

 

 

Every year it gets near to my birthday and I end up feeling the same, everyone around me is taken, nobody is single, people are married, kids and I cannot even find one date. I have a black tie dinner to go to, guess I am going on my own as I do every year and I end up having to answer the same questions every year.

 

 

The positive pretty much disappears because I have nobody to share any of this with. Not talking materially but just someone to talk to. I hide all this very well but it does become a bit much at times, more so when I go on these pointless dates.

 

 

I try to compromise but its Friday night and where I am sitting...at home. None of the people I have ever wanted have wanted me, which sounds like a sympathy ploy but its the truth, I spent years chasing to be kicked in the teeth because apparently I didn't match up to some guy who is apparently better, I have never ever been able to ascertain what made these people better exactly, especially because by and large they couldn't care less about there GF's based on the amount of time I was the emotional crutch.

 

 

I'll try get some sleep but that's quite hard to find these days.

 

You sound like you need a (((hug))).

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling so downtrodden. It's so difficult when you're in a bad spot, I totally get it. It's also ok to feel bad at times, but you really shouldn't indulge yourself with these dark, defeatist, depressive thoughts.

 

These women you talk about are taken, though- there is no need to wonder about the what ifs and how you feel about their partners. They're no better or worse than you necessarily; they are the bfs, and that's it.

 

Honestly, you sound a little depressed. There would be nothing wrong about talking it over with your doctor. It really looks as though you could do with a break from these dark thoughts .

[ShyLove]

I find it hard to believe that you can't find ANYONE of quality to date.When you go out with these women are you light hearted and do you have a sense of humor or do you come off as tense and kind of cold? Think about that long and hard. You may be giving off signals that you don't realize you are, especially when its obvious that before the date you feel like it won't lead anywhere. Do you even get excited for dates anymore? That could be a problem too. You're going into these dates with a bad pessimistic vibe.

 

What do you like to do outside of work?

[act00]

 

<snip>

 

It's also always me showing interest and never vice versa.

 

I'm not sure I agree with you here. You consistently find women unintelligent, unstimulating, and boring. The ones you think might provide the stimulating conversation you crave, you consistently say you find them unattractive. You are hung up on your one female friend. You consistently say that they aren't interested in you while you are interested in them, and then in a post or paragraph later, you state this person you went out with was dull, and often you state they embarrass you; you can't take them to certain places, they are unrefined, they are unintelligent and can't speak in big words, limited vocabulary.

 

It's hard to figure out what you want, ZA, because nobody seems to fit the bill for you. What you want is so narrow and you seem so picky, it's just simply going to take a lot longer to find someone that hits every tick. You probably would be well served by involving yourself in intellectual clubs or groups and maybe, even if women aren't directly involved in that group, they're friends (therefore hopefully intellectually equal) with participants, and you might have an opportunity to meet at a party or happy hour (where you will partake in tea or a virgin cocktail).

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for the encouragement!

 

 

Every year it gets near to my birthday and I end up feeling the same, everyone around me is taken, nobody is single, people are married, kids and I cannot even find one date. I have a black tie dinner to go to, guess I am going on my own as I do every year and I end up having to answer the same questions every year.

 

 

The positive pretty much disappears because I have nobody to share any of this with. Not talking materially but just someone to talk to. I hide all this very well but it does become a bit much at times, more so when I go on these pointless dates.

 

 

I try to compromise but its Friday night and where I am sitting...at home. None of the people I have ever wanted have wanted me, which sounds like a sympathy ploy but its the truth, I spent years chasing to be kicked in the teeth because apparently I didn't match up to some guy who is apparently better, I have never ever been able to ascertain what made these people better exactly, especially because by and large they couldn't care less about there GF's based on the amount of time I was the emotional crutch.

 

 

I'll try get some sleep but that's quite hard to find these days.

 

You strike me as someone who would mesh well with someone in academia. Have you ever dated someone who is a professor? What's your line of work?

[ZA Dater]

You strike me as someone who would mesh well with someone in academia. Have you ever dated someone who is a professor? What's your line of work?

 

Went out with a few teachers. Worst matches of all. I don't know to be honest, I just find fewer and fewer people interest me because I am less and less inclined to make them like me.

[ZA Dater]

I find it hard to believe that you can't find ANYONE of quality to date.When you go out with these women are you light hearted and do you have a sense of humor or do you come off as tense and kind of cold? Think about that long and hard. You may be giving off signals that you don't realize you are, especially when its obvious that before the date you feel like it won't lead anywhere. Do you even get excited for dates anymore? That could be a problem too. You're going into these dates with a bad pessimistic vibe.

 

What do you like to do outside of work?

 

I try to be light hearted even though that's not my natural personality.

 

No, I dont get excited about dates, it's a case of different person same story. That being I must somehow make them like me which I am simply not inclined to do anymore, when it's a one way street.

 

Work and everything else makes up a whole, meaning work and leisure are heavily mixed into each other.

 

I hate giving up but I think I have had enough of dating and trying to enjoy something I don't really enjoy.

[Fair]

 

 

The whole thing is becoming very problematic for me in that every time I find someone who does interest me they are never ever single.

 

you and me both... maybe you're emotionally unavailable, therefore you only want what you can't have. Maybe I am, too.

[littleblackheart]

Went out with a few teachers. Worst matches of all. I don't know to be honest, I just find fewer and fewer people interest me because I am less and less inclined to make them like me.

 

For your own sake, you need to break that thought pattern.

 

You are not alone in the predicament you're in. Plenty of people have high standards and accommodate themselves with being single until they find what they are looking for.

 

You don't need to stop dating or review your standards.

 

You just need to chill.

 

And stop being hung-up on people who are taken.

[ZA Dater]

For your own sake, you need to break that thought pattern.

 

You are not alone in the predicament you're in. Plenty of people have high standards and accommodate themselves with being single until they find what they are looking for.

 

You don't need to stop dating or review your standards.

 

You just need to chill.

 

And stop being hung-up on people who are taken.

 

 

 

Cant be bothered to actually carry on, going to take a long break and enjoy other parts of life, including the parts which have taken people in them.

[littleblackheart]

Cant be bothered to actually carry on, going to take a long break and enjoy other parts of life, including the parts which have taken people in them.

 

'Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.' George Santayana

 

Good luck all the same...

[ZA Dater]

'Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.' George Santayana

 

Good luck all the same...

 

All you advocate here is simply keep trawling through the same old same sort of person. Fact is if you can't pair up there is probably something off with you so I'll take the hint and enjoy other parts of life and enjoy being around taken people but at least I enjoy spending time with them.

[littleblackheart]

All you advocate here is simply keep trawling through the same old same sort of person. Fact is if you can't pair up there is probably something off with you so I'll take the hint and enjoy other parts of life and enjoy being around taken people but at least I enjoy spending time with them.

 

What I keep advocating is a change of mindset; something that, evidently, you are not inclined to do.

Enjoy spending time with this unavailable woman you are pining for all you want - all I'm saying is that you seem to be the maker of your own misery.

[ZA Dater]

What I keep advocating is a change of mindset; something that, evidently, you are not inclined to do.

Enjoy spending time with this unavailable woman you are pining for all you want - all I'm saying is that you seem to be the maker of your own misery.

 

The option you suggest is even worse so I'll choose the less bad of the two. Had another date this evening, same story as this one barring the fact there was no physical attraction at all this time.

 

Change of mindset to what? Pretend to want what I don't, pretend to like what I don't, pretend I have lots of dating options, pretend I am marketable. If people don't find me attractive or want to be with me then there is next to nothing I can do about it, either like me or don't honestly I am well past the point of caring because it's not ok for me to judge yet i get judged continually..

 

Really am over it and I'll take the advice, not everyone partners up to heart, maybe it'll make me sleep better. I suppose if at 34 you haven't dated not only is that a red flag the size of Spain but probably an indication you won't ever.

 

So yes, thanks.

[littleblackheart]

The option you suggest is even worse so I'll choose the less bad of the two. Had another date this evening, same story as this one barring the fact there was no physical attraction at all this time.

 

Change of mindset to what? Pretend to want what I don't, pretend to like what I don't, pretend I have lots of dating options, pretend I am marketable. If people don't find me attractive or want to be with me then there is next to nothing I can do about it, either like me or don't honestly I am well past the point of caring because it's not ok for me to judge yet i get judged continually..

 

Really am over it and I'll take the advice, not everyone partners up to heart, maybe it'll make me sleep better. I suppose if at 34 you haven't dated not only is that a red flag the size of Spain but probably an indication you won't ever.

 

So yes, thanks.

 

Shift of mindset to stop you from going round and round on this defeatist mental merry-goround you have created for yourself.

 

I'm not even saying to lower your standards (I wouldn't lower mine for anything so that would be hypocritical of me), and I won't lie to you and tell you you're bound to find the right partner if you think positively because in truth, this may not happen.

 

What I am saying is to stop thinking the worst.

 

Shift your mindset from 'I'm doomed, I'm not dateable, I'm too much of an outlier, a relationship will never happen for me, life is results driven and there's nothing I can do about that' to ' I have specific standards I am not prepared to compromise on, this is my deliberate, conscious choice and the reason I am single'.

 

If your standards are early 20s worldly Miss Universe models with Noam Chomsky-size brains, admittedly you're making things that extra bit difficult for yourself, especially if you can't budge on any of that (which I'm not critising you for).

 

The fact is - you go on dates. Do they all go South because they don't like you? No. I'll assume it works both ways sometimes. So you are exercising your choice, as are they.

 

Take a break from dating if you think it'll help but if you won't shift the way you think, I predict it won't really help at all (I hope I'm wrong).

[ZA Dater]

Shift of mindset to stop you from going round and round on this defeatist mental merry-goround you have created for yourself.

 

I'm not even saying to lower your standards (I wouldn't lower mine for anything so that would be hypocritical of me), and I won't lie to you and tell you you're bound to find the right partner if you think positively because in truth, this may not happen.

 

What I am saying is to stop thinking the worst.

 

Shift your mindset from 'I'm doomed, I'm not dateable, I'm too much of an outlier, a relationship will never happen for me, life is results driven and there's nothing I can do about that' to ' I have specific standards I am not prepared to compromise on, this is my deliberate, conscious choice and the reason I am single'.

 

If your standards are early 20s worldly Miss Universe models with Noam Chomsky-size brains, admittedly you're making things that extra bit difficult for yourself, especially if you can't budge on any of that (which I'm not critising you for).

 

The fact is - you go on dates. Do they all go South because they don't like you? No. I'll assume it works both ways sometimes. So you are exercising your choice, as are they.

 

Take a break from dating if you think it'll help but if you won't shift the way you think, I predict it won't really help at all (I hope I'm wrong).

 

 

 

Actually I have liked very few if any of them enough to want to see them again and the few I did weren't interested so I greatly admire people who manage to get things to work even if only once because I cannot seem to do that.

 

 

If being realistic is defeatist so be it, I'd rather be that than pretend all is well and live in some sort of bubble.

 

 

I'd happily settle for average looks/pretty face for above average intellect, model looks with zero intellect interest me about as much as a walk though the Sahara.

 

 

I must just accept I miss something that people actually want and simply move on with life, I am never going to know what that is because nobody has any backbone to tell me. I can just try think what it could be.

 

 

At least I can say I have had met say 4 people who I did like and got to spend reasonable amounts of time with them so I have the good memories and perhaps that's the best place to leave it, looking back at good.

 

 

Thanks.