Work Affair

[Presently]

Yes, the whole relationship. I know as the wrong party in this situation you don't really want to face consequences of what you're doing it's all part of the selfish mentality that is required to maintain an affair.

 

You see lies lead to lies, and cheating is never, EVEN the first step in deceptive behavior. Of course you will say "I've never done anything like this" maybe, but you've done things that slowly got you to the point that you felt it was ok.

 

Actually you are right about that. I am going to tell you that I’ve never done anything like this. Yes normally if there is some type of questionable behavior that has led up to something like this, but not in this case. I’ve never engaged in anything questionable with him. I have been hit on by other guys and have flat out turned them down. NO i’m not being boastful, I’m only stating this to point out that the opportunity has been there.

[CatMinx]

It's interesting how much support can be found on this forum for other people in very similar situations. Or other women involved with MM. I have yet to see some of the berating to them that I have experienced in this thread.

 

Just so you all know, I knew prior to posting here that I was the guilty one. Never have I made an excuse for my behavior. Never have I said I don't give a crap about what my boyfriend thinks or feels. Hell yes I feel guilty. I'm trying to juggle those emotions with what this affair is doing to my head, but it doesn't make me heartless. It doesn't mean I don't love my bf either. What, you guys have never heard of a man that can love 2 women, or a woman that can be in love with 2 men? THAT scenario hasn't been posted about on this forum? How is that possible and yet I "cannot" and "do not" love my bf if I've had an affair??

 

Support doesn’t mean blindly agreeing with you. You may feel defensive and attacked, but that’s because the people here are trying to help you. The current path you’re on can and will ruin not only your life, but your boyfriends, the married mans, and his wife and children’s (if he has any).

 

If you’re feeling defensive it’s because you know we are all right and you are wrong.

 

And you’ve made tons of excuses and justifications for your behavior..in pretty much every post you’ve made.

 

He started it

 

My boyfriend is too kinky

 

I wanted the excitement, don’t I deserve that?

 

I do feel bad but but but but but...

 

Tons of excuses.

[Presently]

Support doesn’t mean blindly agreeing with you. You may feel defensive and attacked, but that’s because the people here are trying to help you. The current path you’re on can and will ruin not only your life, but your boyfriends, the married mans, and his wife and children’s (if he has any).

 

If you’re feeling defensive it’s because you know we are all right and you are wrong.

 

And you’ve made tons of excuses and justifications for your behavior..in pretty much every post you’ve made.

 

He started it

 

My boyfriend is too kinky

 

I wanted the excitement, don’t I deserve that?

 

I do feel bad but but but but but...

 

Tons of excuses.

 

You know, some of these “excuses” I made above were merely just stated by me as aspects of what is going on in my life. My boyfriend being “too kinky” (not my words) is not an excuse. I NEVER blamed him or his bedroom mannerisms for why I had an affair. I merely responded to someone’s post, so shame on you for trying to spin that. I shouldn’t have shared.

 

I also never said I “deserved” the excitement.

 

And... I didn’t say “he started it” as a way of NOT accepting responsibility. It’s just the way it went down and I was merely trying to point out that I wasn’t out looking for a fling to get myself into. Again, that does not automatically mean I’m not accepting my part. Damn.

[DKT3]

You know, some of these “excuses” I made above were merely just stated by me as aspects of what is going on in my life. My boyfriend being “too kinky” (not my words) is not an excuse. I NEVER blamed him or his bedroom mannerisms for why I had an affair. I merely responded to someone’s post, so shame on you for trying to spin that. I shouldn’t have shared.

 

I also never said I “deserved” the excitement.

 

And... I didn’t say “he started it” as a way of NOT accepting responsibility. It’s just the way it went down and I was merely trying to point out that I wasn’t out looking for a fling to get myself into. Again, that does not automatically mean I’m not accepting my part. Damn.

 

I know reading responses here can be difficult, but you have to understand something, you have a very slim chance of conning a conman. That is basically what you are doing.

 

All you're doing is justifying your actions and try to rationalization the irrational. Yeah you did go looking for this, stop lying to yourself. Why else would you go off alone with a guy that you clearly knew his intent? You may have told yourself "I'm not doing anything with him" but really you where pushing boundaries and you know it, then you pushed a little more until you were having sex.

 

Really in the end how does any of that make it better? WHEN your boyfriend finds out do you think he will say oh it's ok since you didn't go looking for it?

[Imajerk17]

You know, some of these “excuses” I made above were merely just stated by me as aspects of what is going on in my life. My boyfriend being “too kinky” (not my words) is not an excuse. I NEVER blamed him or his bedroom mannerisms for why I had an affair. I merely responded to someone’s post, so shame on you for trying to spin that. I shouldn’t have shared.

 

I also never said I “deserved” the excitement.

 

And... I didn’t say “he started it” as a way of NOT accepting responsibility. It’s just the way it went down and I was merely trying to point out that I wasn’t out looking for a fling to get myself into. Again, that does not automatically mean I’m not accepting my part. Damn.

 

You do not seem to have ANY clue of the gravity of what you've done.

 

You have SEVERELY betrayed your boyfriend. You basically betrayed him the WORST way a woman could a man. And yet instead, you seem to feel that if you stop this affair of yours "one of these days soon" and keep all this to yourself you and he will be OK. You better disabuse yourself of this notion because it just isn't so.

 

That you risked it all for "just sex" is going to hurt MORE, not less. You thought so little of him that you violated your commitment for someone you didn't even have strong feelings for. Talk about making your boyfriend feel special! You betrayed the man you love and you don't even have a compelling reason why.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Imajerk17

[CatMinx]

You know, some of these “excuses” I made above were merely just stated by me as aspects of what is going on in my life. My boyfriend being “too kinky” (not my words) is not an excuse. I NEVER blamed him or his bedroom mannerisms for why I had an affair. I merely responded to someone’s post, so shame on you for trying to spin that. I shouldn’t have shared.

 

I also never said I “deserved” the excitement.

 

And... I didn’t say “he started it” as a way of NOT accepting responsibility. It’s just the way it went down and I was merely trying to point out that I wasn’t out looking for a fling to get myself into. Again, that does not automatically mean I’m not accepting my part. Damn.

 

Ok so what is your reasoning for not ending the affair right now?

[Starswillshine]

1) Spend some time reading posts by OW. You're a few months in and believe you haven't fallen in love. Read those agonizing posts and see what your future holds if you do not get out. I know the fun and excitement is addicting but that fall can ruin you in many ways.

 

2) there is no guarantee this will stay quiet. If this comes out, you are now the town/office whore. You will be the one who people will blame. Not him, YOU. Because as a society, we see our men as weak, they can't help themselves when women offer it. He won't be the one blamed. You will.

 

3) I'm a BS. I'll show you my side. This will go for your boyfriend or his wife if this comes out. It wasn't the affair, the sex that killed me. It was the lies. I wanted to work and try to save our marriage. Sure Every time he touched me, I felt my skin burn knowing he touched her. I had a VERY hard time being intimate with him. Most times, it sent me to the bathroom vomiting. But I was willing to save our marriage. It was good. We were best friends. But as all long relationships do, it wasn't thrilling... we have kids, career, we're busy. Nothing sexy about bills, pick up schedules, dry cleaning, etc. Their talks were all about sex and fantasy. But it was limited talk... easy to keep those conversations strictly to fun when you don't have business together (life, kidss, marriage, bills, etc) vs having an hour to talk each day. But you know what did me in? It was all the tiny lies. The kids that he said he was here when he was with her. Or the business trips he took but she was there. Etc. The working late excuse. Every little tiny lie. I tried working through but those lies. I couldn't trust the very basic reasonings for him to not be in my presence. When he was gone, it sent me into a panic. One evening, I found myself on the floor in the closet with a bottle of pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. I was out of my mind, full panic, bewildered, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I cannot describe to you that pain, and I needed out. I don't know what it was that snapped me out for a brief moment... and I called the suicidal hotline. And then the reality hit me, I have children... I didn't even think of them. How can I let someone affect me THAT bad, that the pain was so much that I didn't even think of my children at that moment. That was the game changer.

 

4) Look, every single relationship will lack something. No one will be absolutely fulfilled 100% of the time. There are ups and downs in every relationship. Especially long term. The key here is to be strong enough, confident enough in ourselves, to not need fulfillment from others. Do some real soul searching and figure out what it is that you really love about your interaction with the OM... and figure out how to get the fulfillment from within. Because, harsh reality in life, a lover is not always guaranteed.

 

Best of luck!!!!!

[CatMinx]

You know, some of these “excuses” I made above were merely just stated by me as aspects of what is going on in my life. My boyfriend being “too kinky” (not my words) is not an excuse. I NEVER blamed him or his bedroom mannerisms for why I had an affair. I merely responded to someone’s post, so shame on you for trying to spin that. I shouldn’t have shared.

 

I also never said I “deserved” the excitement.

 

And... I didn’t say “he started it” as a way of NOT accepting responsibility. It’s just the way it went down and I was merely trying to point out that I wasn’t out looking for a fling to get myself into. Again, that does not automatically mean I’m not accepting my part. Damn.

 

You’re using the same excuse to excuse why you’re making excuses. Just because someone asked you a question does not mean that your answer isn’t an excuse. Doesn’t matter that you weren’t looking for it..it came looking for you and you welcomed it with open arms.

 

I’ll ask you again..have you slept with every man who’s ever shown interest in you? If not, then why this time?

 

You obviously did think you were entitled to it at the time. All people in affairs have a sense of entitlement about it. Whether it’s because you have low self esteem and think it’s all you can get (that was my justification), or high self esteem and think that you’ve somehow earned the right to do whatever you want no matter how many innocent people will pay the consequences along with you..it’s all still entitlement.

[Southern Sun]

Presently, most of the men that will reply to you here have been betrayed. So be aware of that when you read their comments. They aren't on LS for no reason.

 

With that said, even if they weren't betrayed, you are getting some insight into how men view betrayal. So it ain't pretty.

 

Don't feel like you have to respond to every little thing. You'll go into defense mode because people will pick apart every word you say. You've seen it already.

 

I do caution you though. You are saying you love your BF and you care about your R. You are putting it in great jeopardy for a FEELING. For indulgence. For sensual pleasure at this point. There is nothing more to this and this man, hopefully, will not be in your life long term (if he is, it probably won't be for good reason). Assuming your BF discovers this, or you confess, he will be more hurt and damaged then you can possibly imagine. And for your 3 month dalliance, it will take him YEARS to recover his self-esteem. YEARS to get over the mind movies. YEARS to look at you the same. And that is if you even stay together.

 

You think it is somehow better that you aren't in love with him; that it is "no-strings" sex. Well, your BF will be more disgusted by the sex than anything. Women are typically more hurt by feelings and men by the physical acts.

 

Consider if it is "worth it" to keep having your fun. I mean this with all sincerity.

[skywriter]

Presently,

 

I understand that you my be feeling some of the posters are being harsh and forcing their opinions on you. I did too years ago when I came to this site.Use the alert us button if you feel it's necessary.

 

I thought I was doing so well, given my circumstances in life, but I evidently left an opening somewhere of weakness, that the exMM discovered. I too, took responsibility for my part, but I had so much emotionally reeling in me, that I could barely verbalize it all.

 

I had the good fortune of meeting another OW online, on another site, and she and I were able to email one another, oh my gosh, she helped me so much and I am so grateful to her.

 

I will tell you, I learned that some people will look for your weakness and use it to their advantage. They may know with a shared conversation just what you need to hear. You have to be a step ahead and keep your guard up so your boundaries aren't crossed.

 

It was super hard for me to try to tell strangers online what I'd gotten myself into only to then feel these same total strangers would verbally berate me, as if they knew me. This would have me retreating back into my shell and actually continuing on in the A.

 

You know that you take responsibility for your actions, you have nothing to prove to the world, take what you can from the posters and leave the rest.It's a public forum and people have all kinds of opinions.

 

Southern Sun's, and starswillshine, posts was very informative,and I hope that you will continue to read and post too.

Edited March 23, 2018 by skywriter

[kgcolonel]

Presently, most of the men that will reply to you here have been betrayed. So be aware of that when you read their comments. They aren't on LS for no reason.

 

With that said, even if they weren't betrayed, you are getting some insight into how men view betrayal. So it ain't pretty.

 

Don't feel like you have to respond to every little thing. You'll go into defense mode because people will pick apart every word you say. You've seen it already.

 

I do caution you though. You are saying you love your BF and you care about your R. You are putting it in great jeopardy for a FEELING. For indulgence. For sensual pleasure at this point. There is nothing more to this and this man, hopefully, will not be in your life long term (if he is, it probably won't be for good reason). Assuming your BF discovers this, or you confess, he will be more hurt and damaged then you can possibly imagine. And for your 3 month dalliance, it will take him YEARS to recover his self-esteem. YEARS to get over the mind movies. YEARS to look at you the same. And that is if you even stay together.

 

You think it is somehow better that you aren't in love with him; that it is "no-strings" sex. Well, your BF will be more disgusted by the sex than anything. Women are typically more hurt by feelings and men by the physical acts.

 

Consider if it is "worth it" to keep having your fun. I mean this with all sincerity.

 

Southern Sun....couldn't have said it better....I also think it would be better received coming from a female than from a guy....that said, I think she is delusional to think her BF would not end their relationship should he find out....coming from a guy.

[whichwayisup]

This has been going on for about 3 months. We keep it completely secret because it would look very bad on us both if anyone here knew. We are both in agreement that we are just in it for the fun, that we don’t want this to ruin our current relationships. We do wear condoms. We know we are taking chances getting caught - not being careless but because of places we have resorted to hooking up. In the car... at the office after hours etc. I know, I know... it all looks bad. It is bad, but it’s fun (mostly, thus the reason I’m here).

 

When this blows up (and it will! It's only a matter of time before people at work find out) your personal and professional reputation will hit a real low. You could not only lose your job, but your home life as you know. You'll lose so much.

 

IS what you're doing worth it? Better think about it and prepare for an answer soon because one day you'll have to face your partner and explain your actions and choice to cheat on him. You're not married so it's pretty high chances he'll end things with you, rightfully so. You're not committed to him and aren't emotionally invested in him anymore, so it seems..

[skywriter]

He seriously play-harassed me for over a year before I gave in. Why I did I don’t really even know because the first year I tried to avoid him. He bugged me and I didn’t want to be left alone with him. And now here I am. I guess he just caught me at the right (or wrong) time.... or his persistencey paid off.

 

 

First thing is to do is shut it down.

[skywriter]

A certain amount of evil.. wow. I am not presently causing anyone pain other than myself!

Do you have any empathy for the spouse or for your boyfriend?

 

Just a hypothetical situation here, the MM's wife uses his phone and discovers, text messages, and phone calls to and from you two.

 

Then here is another scenario, you don't realize that your behavior is changing from being in an A. Your boyfriend does and he checks your phone and discovers something you forgot to delete.

 

Then we have the having sex in vehicles going on. You really don't know who see's you sometimes or who might be following who, (his wife).

 

Presently, just as you never expected to become involved with this man, you may not expect other unexpected situations.

 

Then this scenario for you, if he's doing this with you? Who else is he doing this with?

Edited March 23, 2018 by skywriter

[Imajerk17]

If the responses on OP seem harsh to some, it is because we feel for her boyfriend's AND OM's family's pain, pain that SHE is the one inflicting. THAT is for whom our empathy is. Meanwhile A) acknowledging fault in the affair isn't nearly enough it's only just a start, and B) OP seems to think that because OM 'doesn't mean that much' to her it somehow makes it not as bad whereas in turn it makes it WORSE. She is betraying her boyfriend for 'nothing'!

 

OP can say she feels guilty as if that somehow makes it all better, but what does that even mean. She clearly doesn't feel guilty enough to stop it. So, yeah....

 

OP can also talk about her feelings of confusion, but who cares. OP needs to get that her feelings about this do not matter, at least not compared to the feelings of her boyfriend and OM's wife, who are innocent parties being screwed behind their back right now. They are all dealing w something 1000x worse. OP's boyfriend is now living a lie thinking his girlfriend is faithful to him. And *when* they find out they will be devastated!

 

After all this, no one really cares about OP's feelings of confusion about the affair, or about OM's sporatic contact or whatever.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Imajerk17

[jah526]

A certain amount of evil.. wow. I am not presently causing anyone pain other than myself!

Do you have any empathy for the spouse or for your boyfriend?

 

Just a hypothetical situation here, the MM's wife uses his phone and discovers, text messages, and phone calls to and from you two.

 

Then here is another scenario, you don't realize that your behavior is changing from being in an A. Your boyfriend does and he checks your phone and discovers something you forgot to delete.

 

Then we have the having sex in vehicles going on. You really don't know who see's you sometimes or who might be following who, (his wife).

 

Presently, just as you never expected to become involved with this man, you may not expect other unexpected situations.

 

Then this scenario for you, if he's doing this with you? Who else is he doing this with?

 

Not sure if the sex is happening in a vehicle at work, but another thing to consider is video cameras. I know there are cameras on my work lot.

 

Also, condoms. People think that makes it all safe but some STDs can be transmitted even when wearing one.

 

OP, I think you are addicted to the ego strokes. Not judging, I was too. Recognizing I was addicted was the first step for me in getting out.