My boyfriend talked about how hot his ex was?

[thefooloftheyear]

Can't add much that hasn't already been said, but i'll only say that most guys have a specific type of woman they like.....skinny, fit/muscular,heavy.large breasted, petite, etc...Most of the guys Ive known over the years, if you lined up all the women they have been with, you can practically put the head on any of them and they'd look almost like the same woman..Heck, most even pick women with the same color hair..

 

Now that's not to say that a guy can't fall in love with someone outside of what they think is ideal, happens all the time...Getting the "ideal" for anyone isn't easy unless you are very desirable...or very patient...But there are particular trends that most guys tend to stick with....I think women do the same, just maybe to a lesser degree and are more flexible on it..

 

I guess the one thing that would seem bothersome is that he could have just said she was hot and left it at that...The fact that he specifically picked body type that you aren't and went off on that, then that may be an indication that he's not thinking you fit the "ideal" for him..That qualifies as a bit of a "bomb drop" hence why you decided to post about it..

 

I wouldn't get too nuts over it, but I would keep that experience stored in your memory..

 

TFY

[TheFinalWord]

Can't add much that hasn't already been said, but i'll only say that most guys have a specific type of woman they like.....skinny, fit/muscular,heavy.large breasted, petite, etc...Most of the guys Ive known over the years, if you lined up all the women they have been with, you can practically put the head on any of them and they'd look almost like the same woman..Heck, most even pick women with the same color hair..

 

True for me!

[Keats]

What he said was inappropriate.

 

Doesn't matter if he's a man and has the general non ability to communicate, as some have pointed out, or the fact that your insecure, as many have said, and that it's your fault etc.

 

These things don't matter. They are just reasons to excuse or explain - inappropriate behaviour. It's great to understand.

 

But in the end what he said was inappropriate.

 

You should let him know, that this wasn't the right behaviour to display.

 

Weather couples want to feel comfortable in a relationship or not, these things are not the general norm thing to say at all. Comfort doesn't mean inappropriate behaviour.

 

As you can see it has really affected your mental health.

 

And talking about the positives of any ex would unsettle any sane secure person.

 

I am sure, if your man wanted to hear some amusing story about your ex, and you relayed a bad story but finished it off with - but his ding a ling was huge and attractive/ but I loved his sense of humour / but torso was so attractive and ripped.

 

You better believe your man would get more sympathy on this board. And you'd be stereotyped again.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, have you asked him questions like this before?

 

You said you sometimes wonder why he's with you, so did you ask this question to somehow make yourself feel better? I sense you were hoping he'd tell you how awful they were.

 

I agree it was a stupid thing of him to offer, but I also wonder why you asked about his "crazy" exes to begin with.

[Andy_K]

I trust you all are familiar with the hot crazy scale?

 

 

There's more than a little truth to it. You asked about crazy ex stories, therefore if he's talking about a crazy ex, he's likely to mention how hot she is in order to (subconsciously) justify the fact he dated her at all. When you have an ex like that, the hot and the crazy are almost synonymous, mentioning one naturally makes you think of the other. It's not that he deliberately brought it up. It's that he didn't exert enough conscious control to purposefully *not* mention the hotness.

 

Perhaps he should have been more thoughtful, but since anything to do with exes is a potential minefield I don't think it's worth hanging him out to dry here.

[heavenonearth]

What he said was inappropriate.

 

Doesn't matter if he's a man and has the general non ability to communicate, as some have pointed out, or the fact that your insecure, as many have said, and that it's your fault etc.

 

These things don't matter. They are just reasons to excuse or explain - inappropriate behaviour. It's great to understand.

 

But in the end what he said was inappropriate.

 

You should let him know, that this wasn't the right behaviour to display.

 

Weather couples want to feel comfortable in a relationship or not, these things are not the general norm thing to say at all. Comfort doesn't mean inappropriate behaviour.

 

As you can see it has really affected your mental health.

 

And talking about the positives of any ex would unsettle any sane secure person.

 

I am sure, if your man wanted to hear some amusing story about your ex, and you relayed a bad story but finished it off with - but his ding a ling was huge and attractive/ but I loved his sense of humour / but torso was so attractive and ripped.

 

You better believe your man would get more sympathy on this board. And you'd be stereotyped again.

 

You betcha. They would tell him to dump her because she probably would cheat on him in the future, or some other bull crap.

 

By the way - i like your username.

[caveman621]

I made the same mistake with my current fiance. I now know - never ask about exes! It can't go well!

 

But one thing I did, which you seem to be doing, is comparing the BEST of exes qualities with all of yours.

 

My fiance says I am the most wonderful man she has ever known, and I believe her. (I am also very modest:p)! But am I the handiest, most musically talented, funniest, best looking, smartest etc., etc. Probably not. She has had a lot of exes. So if I look at just the BEST quality in each of them and compare it to the same quality in me, am I the best? Probably not. But, as an entire package, I am. Does that make sense?

 

So maybe he likes a bigger booty? But OVERALL you are better. Does that help?

[kendahke]

Never ask a question whose answer you cannot stand hearing.

 

It was bad form on both your parts to go there: you were being nosy and he not knowing when to STFU.

[smackie9]

Well well well looks like you got smacked by some reality. Hah your BF ain't no dummy, he knew you were probing for some info like insecure girls do. In an indirect way he was teaching you a lesson to just let it go or it's gonna hurt. You need to stop it because if you don't you are probably going to get another dose of it.

[Lillyb]

OP, have you asked him questions like this before?

 

You said you sometimes wonder why he's with you, so did you ask this question to somehow make yourself feel better? I sense you were hoping he'd tell you how awful they were.

 

I agree it was a stupid thing of him to offer, but I also wonder why you asked about his "crazy" exes to begin with.

 

I was talking about my brother and his wife (the fact how my brother was stupid to get a tattoo of her name on it when they are going to get a divorce now). I brought up how the 2 main things IMO that you shouldn't do even if you were in a serious relationship with someone was get a tattoo of their name or send nudes with your face in it. And he said his main one was to not screw someone when you know they are crazy. And that's how I asked him, "Have you experienced that before?" He knows that I've sent nudes in my past I've been pretty open with it and I brought that up before. This was our way to know more about each other. I wasn't trying to have reassurance that I'm better than anyone

[Lillyb]

Never ask a question whose answer you cannot stand hearing.

 

It was bad form on both your parts to go there: you were being nosy and he not knowing when to STFU.

 

He loves talking about himself and he loves to tell me stories, so if he was sick of talking about it he would tell me to stop. One quality he has is that he has a sick sense of humor sometimes and he doesn't have a "filter" (where he shouldn't say things but he says it anyways because that's how he feels)

[CptInsano]

This problem with talking about the past is that it leads into a rabbithole. You were doing different things before you met, so exposing the past will more likely bring to light things that divide you, not unite you.

 

Also, a spouse was likely attracted to somebody for a reason. He/she can either lie or reveal the truth, even if it is unflattering. (plumb butt)

 

It would be something else if he brought it up unasked, but the OP opened the door to that question. If he is upfront about his past, and it is uncomfortable to the OP, there is also an easy way to stop it.

 

It's all about communicating expectations.

[stillafool]

So basically my boyfriend and I were talking today about his exes (I asked him to share his crazy ex experiences where the girl was insane/crazy) and he mentioned a few of them and brought up a drug addict ex of his. And he started describing how she was hot regardless of the fact she did drugs? And how her ass was so nice and plump... he didn't go on and on about it, he just said it for a minute. But it made me feel insecure because my ass is tiny and there he is talking about how nice and big one of this ex's asses were.

Do I have a reason to be upset?

 

It did not hurt me until now.

 

Don't ever ask a guy to share his stories about an ex. Ask and it shall be given.

[Andy_K]

I was talking about my brother and his wife (the fact how my brother was stupid to get a tattoo of her name on it when they are going to get a divorce now).

 

I always find this a little ironic... like you're willing to have children with someone, buy a house with them, yet having their name written on you is the stupid thing because it's hard to undo?

[GorillaTheater]

and he doesn't have a "filter" (where he shouldn't say things but he says it anyways because that's how he feels)

 

 

I think you just answered your question as to why he would talk about how hot an ex was, unsolicited by you.

 

 

So he talks too much, but as others have pointed out, it doesn't mean he's not into you. The question is whether you see a future with a Big Mouth or not.

[hippychick3]

Wrong, wrong, wrong for you to ask and for him to answer that way.

 

I have seen pictures of my bf's ex, and she looks nothing like me. She's tall, blonde, very thin, and gorgeous. She looks like a slim Barbie Doll. I am petite, brunette, and normal weight but not skinny. I am also almost 10 years older than him while she was much younger than him. I feel secure that he finds me hot and loves me for who I am and how I look. I would never ever ask him how we compare physically and how hot he thought she was. I'm pretty sure he thought she was hot when they dated. I know he would not be stupid enough to tell me that even if I asked. Because, no matter how secure I am, it would definitely sting if I were to hear him say that.

 

Your boyfriend is an idiot for saying what he did, but he did choose you for a multitude of reasons that transcend your a**.

[Lillyb]

My friend is saying that I should talk to him about it and tell him how I felt when he said that since that shows vulnerability.

How do I approach bringing this up in a conversation without being so random after I gave him a kiss and was so casual when I had to go yesterday?

[Versacehottie]

I trust you all are familiar with the hot crazy scale?

 

 

There's more than a little truth to it. You asked about crazy ex stories, therefore if he's talking about a crazy ex, he's likely to mention how hot she is in order to (subconsciously) justify the fact he dated her at all. When you have an ex like that, the hot and the crazy are almost synonymous, mentioning one naturally makes you think of the other. It's not that he deliberately brought it up. It's that he didn't exert enough conscious control to purposefully *not* mention the hotness.

 

Perhaps he should have been more thoughtful, but since anything to do with exes is a potential minefield I don't think it's worth hanging him out to dry here.

 

I love the crazy/hot scale. There is some truth to it

[thefooloftheyear]

 

:laugh:

 

TFY

[Versacehottie]

My friend is saying that I should talk to him about it and tell him how I felt when he said that since that shows vulnerability.

How do I approach bringing this up in a conversation without being so random after I gave him a kiss and was so casual when I had to go yesterday?

 

 

Yeah, you could do that. I like the reasoning your friend gave (being vulnerable). Anyway, in a relationship it's important to be able to speak up and let the other person know where you are coming from. You've got to help them understand HOW to be with you. That said, I would be VERY careful about the content of this conversation. You run the risk of being totally insecure or focusing on jealousy type aspects (which is kinda how your OP started out) which is a turnoff to him--plus it will give him the exact info on how to get under your skin next time.

 

TBH, someone else said it and I agree, he may already know, suspect or was testing that you are a little insecure about that. Plus it's no brainer that usually people don't like to be compared to exes because it's starts this whole spiral that you are going through. And as I said before you also would want to be careful because you don't want him to feel like he can't be himself in telling a story and that you are going to be hypersensitive. (I do get that he was a bit out of line with adding the juicy butt info BUT it would maybe bother some gf's but not others who would see it as a funny part of the story; he was a little duped thinking the lines of communication were open when they were open but actually restricted!!). Neither one your faults, you just hit a little bump where you will need to understand each other. This is normal in a relationship because as a couple you will bump up against something sooner or later and need to figure out how to deal with it.

 

Like I said, I would be very careful showing that it is out of insecurity that you don't appreciate that comment that often results in a downward spiral. I can't think of the best way to word it maybe some of the others can help. But you are well within your rights (and responsibilities!) to speak up. Good luck.

 

*oh ps i don't think it matters that you let the moment right after go by with a hug and not saying anything. You can just lead in whenever you are ready to talk to him with "so hey the other day when you said xyz, it's been on my mind and I feel like this xyz". That's fair.