Divorce due to verbal abuse

[Aja3]

Our marriage was relatively short-lived and I never had kids with him. Still it did take strength to walk away. The truth is, I rarely even think about him anymore. I’m very glad to be away from him and live a fun and independent life. I wish the same for you and your children.

 

Thank you for all of your advice<3

[preraph]

This is true. It’s what my gut tells me. The affection doesn’t seem sincere most of the time since he gets upset when I don’t show it in return.

 

Unlike most women, men will want to have sex even when nothing is going well, even if they hate you, even if there was just an ugly fight. Their emotions do not need to line up for them to want sex. And they know women need to want to emotionally not just physically, so they will act nice long enough to get sex, and unfortunately, this fools women into thinking they care more than they do.

[Aja3]

Unlike most women, men will want to have sex even when nothing is going well, even if they hate you, even if there was just an ugly fight. Their emotions do not need to line up for them to want sex. And they know women need to want to emotionally not just physically, so they will act nice long enough to get sex, and unfortunately, this fools women into thinking they care more than they do.

 

Ive experienced this first hand, preraph.

Recently we got into the pre sex fight. I call it that because he wants it and I don’t so the fight begins. Before work or before bed. I remember before giving in that I told him “if I lay in this bed and have sex with you. I’m filing for divorce the moment I get up”

And his response was “fine”

5 seconds went by and he says “no. Forget it”. So it didn’t happen. I’ve explained EXACTLY what you just wrote. How i need to be there, emotionally and mentally. I can’t have sex with someone I’m angry with. He doesn’t need that. Doesn’t care for it however acknowledges I do BUT... it doesn’t matter.

He still wants it. Whether I’m mentally/emotionally there or not.

 

I can’t say I haven’t tried breaking it down piece by piece on the issues that are important and matter to me and how most of the time he acknowledges my feelings but disregards them. It’s moments like those that I get angry at myself for allowing this to happen daily. I can’t find a way to avoid it because we live together and he carries on normally.

 

I’ve told him how him laying there just expecting it isn’t romantic. There is no effort on his behalf. Not that the effor would matter or that even I try because i don’t. It’s patheric but I don’t have it in me to fake anything. I get out of the shower and he’s there, ready. This is so personal but it’s just mind blowing how up front I am with him and how little effort he makes

 

Again- can’t say I haven’t tried communicating.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Aja3

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. It's just not uncommon for sex to be the number one reason a man keeps a woman around and they want it no matter what until you gain 10 pounds. Even then they want it but gripe about it. It's no way to live.

[OwlLover]

Hello. I am a teenager whose parents were in the exact same position. My father got so bad as he once choked my older brother and threw him out. They are now recently separated and I couldn't be more relieved. I feel safer and have less anxiety around them. My mom was so painfully verbally abused for 22 years it has been almost impossible to reverse the mental damage. Please don't stay until it's too late. An abusive marriage is not good for anyone involved. Hope my experience as a child of an abusive marriage may help you.

[Aja3]

Yes. I do see your point. He says he “needs” it and when I fight him over it he tells me “you can’t do this to me”. He also brought up how “this” meaning me and my reluctance to want to engage is the reason why men stray. Although I know it’s true I still remain unmotivated.

Thank you for reading.

[Aja3]

I'm so sorry. It's just not uncommon for sex to be the number one reason a man keeps a woman around and they want it no matter what until you gain 10 pounds. Even then they want it but gripe about it. It's no way to live.

 

 

Yes. I do see your point. He says he “needs” it and when I fight him over it he tells me “you can’t do this to me”. He also brought up how “this” meaning me and my reluctance to want to engage is the reason why men stray. Although I know it’s true I still remain unmotivated.

Thank you for reading.

[Aja3]

Hello. I am a teenager whose parents were in the exact same position. My father got so bad as he once choked my older brother and threw him out. They are now recently separated and I couldn't be more relieved. I feel safer and have less anxiety around them. My mom was so painfully verbally abused for 22 years it has been almost impossible to reverse the mental damage. Please don't stay until it's too late. An abusive marriage is not good for anyone involved. Hope my experience as a child of an abusive marriage may help you.

 

OwlLover.

It breaks my heart to have to read what you wrote. It is alleviating to know you are no longer having to be exposed to the turmoil amongst your parents and I’m sorry you had to witness it for as long as you did. Your mom is a strong woman for having the courage to finally stand up for herself and get out of such a destructive situation. Your words mean a lot as my daughter is 14 and I know suffers from some sort of constsnt anxiety due to what she’s witnessed. My son alike. Thank you for your feedback.

[preraph]

Hello. I am a teenager whose parents were in the exact same position. My father got so bad as he once choked my older brother and threw him out. They are now recently separated and I couldn't be more relieved. I feel safer and have less anxiety around them. My mom was so painfully verbally abused for 22 years it has been almost impossible to reverse the mental damage. Please don't stay until it's too late. An abusive marriage is not good for anyone involved. Hope my experience as a child of an abusive marriage may help you.

 

So sorry you went through that. I know how hard it makes it to sleep at night. My dad was funny and loving 98 percent of the time, but it was that 2 percent rage that kept me awake at night wondering if he would harm my mother.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. It's just not uncommon for sex to be the number one reason a man keeps a woman around and they want it no matter what until you gain 10 pounds. Even then they want it but gripe about it. It's no way to live.

 

 

Yes. I do see your point. He says he “needs” it and when I fight him over it he tells me “you can’t do this to me”. He also brought up how “this” meaning me and my reluctance to want to engage is the reason why men stray. Although I know it’s true I still remain unmotivated.

Thank you for reading.

 

It's a sad reality. Sex not attached to emotion at all.

[Aja3]

 

It's a sad reality. Sex not attached to emotion at all.

 

Agreed.

I will continue to journal through here as the time is drawing closer to filing and serving and it’s the most uneasy feeling waking up to everyday as he remains 100% unphased.

[Aja3]

Back again.

Using LS as a form of diary. The fighting has been consistent. Nothing physical. Lots of verbal. From both sides. Sometimes one of us is worse than the other. With every single daily battle I get a sick sense of reassurance that I’m taking the right steps although I break down often knowing the end of the marriage is getting closer.

I’ve fought with him the night before last. Carrying into yesterday morning fighting via text. Fighting again this morning. Continues via text. We both work 9-5. I continue to explain how tired I am. Remind him of how incompatible we are. How unhappy we both are and how it’s okay to make changes to be happy however he continues to want to try although he confirms he’s tired too. He won’t put up with my nastiness (nasty to him is when I stand up for myself or the kids. That’s nasty. It’s expected that I just zip my mouth and say “okay”).

 

This morning I received the first pleading from my attorney to fill out. The financial affidavit. Seeing the case style caused me to cry hard for a good 2 minutes... and then I got over it. Seeing it on paper makes it much more real. I continue to be filled with fear. And then I get moments of clarity that empower me to continue moving forward. Fighting daily is draining.

 

Should i tell the children it’s going to happen?

How to begin? They’re 14 and 11. More than well aware of what our household consists of.

Thank you for reading.

Edited June 28, 2018 by Aja3
Misspelling

[preraph]

It's normal to be emotional and of course you have all kinds of emotions. I think you need to not have the kids there once he is served. You can't just run off with them, but ask your attorney what to do. You don't want them to know before he does and you don't want to burden them with adult business. If possible, you and he need to agree to be on the same page about telling the kids about it and how they will still get to see both parents, just not at the same time. If he refuses to cooperate, it will make you look to your kids like the one doing it. I assume they know he's unpleasant though.

 

Your kids will likely be more worried about if they have to move houses or schools or move away from their friends than anything, at least at first. So be prepared for that and have reassuring answers.

 

At least you have been talking to him about how things aren't working out, so he shouldn't be too shocked, just angry you made the decision instead of him. Give him time to cool off before you are around him if possible.

 

Keep us posted. Wishing the very best resolution for you. Stay strong.

[Aja3]

I’m back after a few months. All is filed and he will be served by next week. Verbal berating continues and so do his apologies and acknowledgment of how he realizes I shouldn’t be treated the way he treats me, how I am his life. I don’t know if it’s true. It doesn’t feel true. Maybe it’s because I’m angry and resentful however when I look at him... I catch glimpses of who he really is deep down and it’s just eye opening. There was another explosive fight over something minimal on Sunday and I was told f*** you 4 times in front of the kids. Monday - today he’s back to normal and asks that I please just be nice to him. So confusing and exhausting.

 

So I’m back over a question regarding my attorney. I’ve paid her a $5k retainer. Aside from the retainer I’ve also paid $450 in filing fees and she is now asking for $150 for special service since I am requesting for him to be served before he leaves to work. Now she is asking for a second retainer (for part two of the process) and I sense this rush to have to pay up. I recently received an email from her where she wrote “the case is filed so please pay by next week because then I’ll get a notice from the court to move it along”.

 

I’m not looking to prolong the divorce however balancing work and pulling strings from all angles to pay for this process is difficult which is something I explained from the beginning. Is it too much for me to ask her to not be so pushy? I understand she won’t work for free. . There have been zero court appearances. He hasn’t been served. However preparing the documents has seemed to have taken up most of the retainer already. Another $5k are due which she believes might carry the case through until the end.

 

I appreciate any feedback.

Edited September 21, 2018 by Aja3

[vla1120]

I’m back after a few months. All is filed and he will be served by next week. Verbal berating continues and so do his apologies and acknowledgment of how he realizes I shouldn’t be treated the way he treats me, how I am his life. I don’t know if it’s true. It doesn’t feel true. Maybe it’s because I’m angry and resentful however when I look at him... I catch glimpses of who he really is deep down and it’s just eye opening. There was another explosive fight over something minimal on Sunday and I was told f*** you 4 times in front of the kids. Monday - today he’s back to normal and asks that I please just be nice to him. So confusing and exhausting.

 

So I’m back over a question regarding my attorney. I’ve paid her a $5k retainer. Aside from the retainer I’ve also paid $450 in filing fees and she is now asking for $150 for special service since I am requesting for him to be served before he leaves to work. Now she is asking for a second retainer (for part two of the process) and I sense this rush to have to pay up. I recently received an email from her where she wrote “the case is filed so please pay by next week because then I’ll get a notice from the court to move it along”.

 

I’m not looking to prolong the divorce however balancing work and pulling strings from all angles to pay for this process is difficult which is something I explained from the beginning. Is it too much for me to ask her to not be so pushy? I understand she won’t work for free. . There have been zero court appearances. He hasn’t been served. However preparing the documents has seemed to have taken up most of the retainer already. Another $5k are due which she believes might carry the case through until the end.

 

I appreciate any feedback.

 

Ask her for more time, or if she can take your next $5k in installments. "Confusing and exhausting" are the same words I always use when describing my narcissistic and abusive husband. I won't divorce him because he has stage IV cancer and needs my health insurance. It's the only thing I can hold over his head that works. He knows that if he steps out of line, I will file for divorce immediately. Even then, he did find a way to let me know he knows where I live, though I went to lengths to try to keep him from finding out. He mailed me a card I had given him a couple years ago. He sent it certified so I would have to sign for it and he would know that I know that he knows where I live.

 

I'm just saying be prepared for these types of little mind control games. Once you set yourself free from his attempts to control your emotions, the confusion and exhaustion will be replaced with clarity and even amusement at how childish and pathetic he will act when he is not getting his way. It took me awhile, but I am SO over my husband's tactics and I no longer feel guilty for leaving a sick man. His illness does not give him a free pass to be abusive and controlling.

[Aja3]

Ask her for more time, or if she can take your next $5k in installments. "Confusing and exhausting" are the same words I always use when describing my narcissistic and abusive husband. I won't divorce him because he has stage IV cancer and needs my health insurance. It's the only thing I can hold over his head that works. He knows that if he steps out of line, I will file for divorce immediately. Even then, he did find a way to let me know he knows where I live, though I went to lengths to try to keep him from finding out. He mailed me a card I had given him a couple years ago. He sent it certified so I would have to sign for it and he would know that I know that he knows where I live.

 

I'm just saying be prepared for these types of little mind control games. Once you set yourself free from his attempts to control your emotions, the confusion and exhaustion will be replaced with clarity and even amusement at how childish and pathetic he will act when he is not getting his way. It took me awhile, but I am SO over my husband's tactics and I no longer feel guilty for leaving a sick man. His illness does not give him a free pass to be abusive and controlling.

 

 

 

Via1120-

I’m sorry to read about your situation and how the mind games continue despite his critical health condition. You’re a strong woman for staying true to yourself and not allowing him to manipulate you. It seems almost as if it will never end

 

I had a twist to my situation. Divorce attorney solicitations arrived in the mail on Saturday. One ad stated “so and so has filed a divorce petition against you”.

He went nuts. I had to leave the house with my oldest as he didn’t let me take my youngest. Later on in the evening I came back to the house. He told me he would not be accepting divorce papers, told me I can’t maintain our household, threaten that it “will get ugly” if I serve him. States I don’t have “grounds” in which to file.

After his heat subsided he then suggested a legal separation or a trial separation to see how things go. Live “seperate lives”.

 

I pretended to sleep through hours of him talking to me about how sorry he is, how it’s taken THIS to shake him up and realize how badly he’s messed up, how he’s sorry for not taking me seriously. And yesterday he proceeded to act 100% normal as if nothing has happened. I was crystal clear with him on my intentions and why I’ve reached this point. I told him he will be served this week and told me he would not be accepting service.

 

I don’t know what to do. I feel defeated. I can’t afford a legal battle and the attorney is already asking for a second retainer and he hasn’t even been served. Then the husband tells me he won’t accept service so what am I even doing?

 

I did receive the attorney’s invoice and she’s billed $2,500... there’s still money available but says she needs another retainer this week.

 

Is a separation the most practicle idea right now? I want to threaten him and tell him its either a separation or I will have him served and will have to battle attorney debt on top of everything of everything else.

 

He’s always around. I can’t process thoughts or even know what it’s like to live without him because he’s so suffocating. I know he’s desperate and he knows he’s on the cusp of losing his family. I just don’t know how to deal with him.

 

I feel so stupid for starting this process. I fear I won’t be able to follow through.

[bathtub-row]

Your attorney should’ve prepared you as to what to expect in terms of the process and her fees. If she didn’t do that, then you need to let her know that you weren’t prepared for what she’s charging and ask her why she wasn’t more specific. That retainer seems high and it should be covering those other costs.

 

Do yourself a favor and stop looking at your future ex as a human and stop looking at him with emotion. He’s a monster and I don’t care how much he mimics normal people and emotions, it’s all a lie. Stop letting him put you on this roller coaster. There’s no need for it. You have become addicted to drama because of him. Just put the brakes on. And stop telling him how he makes you tired, stop arguing and engaging with him. Just stop. This is all part of his plan to wear you down, to doubt yourself and, in general, to make you feel crazy. You must disengage yourself from him emotionally, especially through texts. He’s going to end up distracting you to the point that you could lose your job and don’t think that that isn’t his goal. You must realize that this guy does not want anything to go in your favor. You must protect yourself at all times and not let him destroy your life.

 

If you can’t make him leave you alone, talk to your attorney about getting him out of the house. Tell her you’re in fear for yourself and your children.

Edited September 24, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Mardelis]

I’m back after a few months. All is filed and he will be served by next week. Verbal berating continues and so do his apologies and acknowledgment of how he realizes I shouldn’t be treated the way he treats me, how I am his life.

 

 

You are at least separating, probably getting divorced. The fighting isn't going to solve anything, it's just going to cause everyone more pain. You need to stop dealing with him except for matters that must be addressed for the sake of the children and running the home. Keep the yelling and shouting out of it and ignore his apologies- they're meaningless and you know this.

 

 

However preparing the documents has seemed to have taken up most of the retainer already. Another $5k are due which she believes might carry the case through until the end.

 

 

Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's WORTH it. The money you've spent is a small fraction of the ultimate total bill, which could be in the 10s of thousands of dollars or even more than 6 figures. You may need to borrow against your home or retirement funds. Possibly request the court award you legal fees if he makes a lot more than you do. As far as where the retainer went? At 3-$500 per hour it doesn't take long to go through a few grand. Check your bills- scrutinize them and question them about anything that doesn't sound right. Somehow any mistake they make seems to always be in their favor.

 

 

 

Finally, there is NO WAY another retainer will pay for the entire divorce unless he rolls over and signs on the dotted line without contesting anything.

[Noproblem]

So?

What are you waiting for to get a divorce, this is destroying your kids, please don't do that to them!

 

Get out, work hard and provide for your kids and get out.

 

You are still young, and you will have many chances of finding the right person for you and your kids.

 

He is not the right person, he is a bad influence and an abuser.

 

Get loans from family and friends to support you during the divorce process.

Try to live outside, it's not safe to stay with him during this process!

 

Why separation? Separation is not the right decision, it will mean your life is on pause, you can't do anything you can't start again!

Edited September 27, 2018 by Noproblem

[BaileyB]

You are not safe if you stay in that home.

 

I would take those children and leave before he is served. And, he will be served. He doesn't have the option not to "accept" divorce papers. His anger, his comments about things getting ugly and how he will not accept this, is simply another attempt to threaten and abuse you - such that he will maintain control and get his way.

 

Don't let him convince you otherwise - this is an unhealthy home in which you are raising your children and you are not safe with him. This will get worse, before it gets better.

[Aja3]

I have read every single one of the responses posted and thank you for taking the time to offer your extremely helpful advice. I’m stagnant on this process at the moment. And due to the attorney of all people.

 

After speaking with her she has confirmed that there are still $2400 left of my first retainer in which to work with however if I cannot come up with a full retainer by this week, she will not be able to move the case forward after he’s been served. So that’s my dilemma.

 

I’ve paid $450 in filing fees separate from the retainer and serving the summons also is a separate fee.

 

I don’t have the full retainer and have a little less than half however she is not willing to work with that amount. A payment plan is also not an option. I haven’t had issues paying since starting the process but then again, I didn’t think a second retainer would be due 2 months after the first one was paid.

 

She tells me I’ve come so far to stop at this point and doesn’t want to see me “lose it all” (the unused portion of the retainer which my father has provided me with via credit card). I’ve told her if she could just give me up to two weeks to apply for a personal loan, apply for a new credit card. I work 40 hours a week (started at a new firm 4 months ago) so the personal time is limited BUT i just need some time to figure out the funds.

 

So I’m stuck. She tells me the judge will dismiss the petition if she doesn’t move the case along fast and that would be a reflection on her so she wants to avoid that.

 

At home. The spouse is in redemption mode. I’ve spoken to him to see if we can avoid litigating on both of our ends and he’s in 100% denial on everything and pleads for me to give him the opportunity to show me the real him. None of which I want to do.

 

So I’m stuck, tired and feeling hopeless. I try so hard to stay optimistic but it’s difficult. I don’t have trust in the attorney anymore. She seems money hungry and as if she doesn’t give two craps about her client.

Thank you for reading.

[Mardelis]

I don’t have trust in the attorney anymore. She seems money hungry and as if she doesn’t give two craps about her client.

 

 

She's an attorney, that's what they do. Did you ask her about going after your husband for her legal fees?

 

 

If not, why not, if so, what did she say? If he's the monied partner then many or most courts will require him to pay at least part of your legal fees. Might we worth doing a consult with another attorney in the area or at least researching "legal fees + divorce + your state".

 

 

Lots of people- usually the wife- are in your position where they want out but don't have access to the necessary funds and there are answers. It's also possible to represent yourself. Not the best idea but perhaps better than doing nothing. Sometimes women's advocates groups are available at the courthouse to help you with the process.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. People who don’t have money to pay thousands to an attorney get divorced everyday... there must be some other way.

 

There is always legal aid, if you can’t afford an attorney.

 

Is it the attorney that you are speaking with directly about payment? Because, that to me is a big sign that something is wrong. Most attorneys have admin assistance’s and paralegals to do this work...

[Aja3]

I ageee with you. And yes. I did ask. She would go after him for attorneys fees if a 3rd retainer would be owed.

 

I am contemplating self representation to keep things moving at the pace I can afford. Which sucks but it’s better than nothing (like you said).

[Aja3]

Indeed. People who don’t have money to pay thousands to an attorney get divorced everyday... there must be some other way.

 

There is always legal aid, if you can’t afford an attorney.

 

Is it the attorney that you are speaking with directly about payment? Because, that to me is a big sign that something is wrong. Most attorneys have admin assistance’s and paralegals to do this work...

 

I have been dealing directly with the attorney. I also asked for a bill and she’s been billing me since she was hired back in May. All pleadings were filed in late August and September. But she has billed for every email, call and text. We have never met in person throughout the entire process.