Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 I think your gut is telling you something correct. I DON'T think you should start a fight or talk about this is any way with him, but I do think it is the beginning of the end or as you called it "his indifference". I say this because my ex did the same thing and that's exactly where things went after that. Yes. When I asked him about it I did say "is this how you are?". I am not sure if this was sudden indifference or just spiteful and immature behavior in the midst of a conflict that had no clear outcome at the time. Either way, I am proceeding with caution. If he is "indifferent" then I am guessing things will deteriorate fairly quickly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Couple things: *In all honesty, I am getting a vibe that you need to be right or feel as if you always right and there is very little room for compromise. I'm not saying he is right. I'm saying you both are probably each a little wrong and need to find a way to compromise and communicate with whomever you choose. I don't think just because you are the woman you are always right and things have to be your way. I have no real idea why I'm getting this feeling. I would have to go back and analyze your sentences and i'm too lazy right now All I'm saying is that this creates an adversarial relationship between two people and roles each one of you will both regret and exploit so be careful of pushing things in that direction. Idk, I feel stifled and nagging vibe honestly. *I do agree with popsicle about your gut though. I think you are either the type who looks for problems and kind of badgers your partner, steamrolling them into your way OR he has some issues that he's been able to conceal until now and they are niggling at you and your gut is telling you to look out that's why you are noticing these small things. Like the rest of life, the "truth" is probably somewhere in the middle/grey zone. You said yourself that you got serious pretty fast. This is why it's not a great idea to rush in. If I were to comment as a neutral outsider on what you have written here (and on your other post), is that you both rushed in and and have now taken up a family life mixing your kids and regular everyday responsibilities. One reason it is not good to rush is congratulations, it sounds like you made it right to the mundane stuff without a real base of connection and having milked those initial courting periods for as long as possible (which serve a purpose, excitement, real bond, love). I'm being sarcastic of course. I think sometimes divorced parents seeking love are looking to "slot" in a partner to continue life as they must do anyway (as a parent). That was tough with your previous partner or you wouldn't be divorced so why would it be easy and FUN with a virtual stranger? It's a lot of pressure and would create resentment, like on your other thread about paying etc. Anyway just some thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Give the man a break. He is obviously diverting to avoid a total blow out over something so minimal. So he was upset at the time, big deal, like he's not allowed to express it? It's not like he was out killing kittens over it, or talkin trash about you on his timeline. How about this....stop inspecting his social media...or even better, how about you both delete each other off FB. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Too early to make a judgment on that. He may have done it quickly before you "made up". True.. but passive aggressive behavior is never good this early... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 Couple things: *In all honesty, I am getting a vibe that you need to be right or feel as if you always right and there is very little room for compromise. I'm not saying he is right. I'm saying you both are probably each a little wrong and need to find a way to compromise and communicate with whomever you choose. I don't think just because you are the woman you are always right and things have to be your way. I have no real idea why I'm getting this feeling. I would have to go back and analyze your sentences and i'm too lazy right now All I'm saying is that this creates an adversarial relationship between two people and roles each one of you will both regret and exploit so be careful of pushing things in that direction. Idk, I feel stifled and nagging vibe honestly. *I do agree with popsicle about your gut though. I think you are either the type who looks for problems and kind of badgers your partner, steamrolling them into your way OR he has some issues that he's been able to conceal until now and they are niggling at you and your gut is telling you to look out that's why you are noticing these small things. Like the rest of life, the "truth" is probably somewhere in the middle/grey zone. You said yourself that you got serious pretty fast. This is why it's not a great idea to rush in. If I were to comment as a neutral outsider on what you have written here (and on your other post), is that you both rushed in and and have now taken up a family life mixing your kids and regular everyday responsibilities. One reason it is not good to rush is congratulations, it sounds like you made it right to the mundane stuff without a real base of connection and having milked those initial courting periods for as long as possible (which serve a purpose, excitement, real bond, love). I'm being sarcastic of course. I think sometimes divorced parents seeking love are looking to "slot" in a partner to continue life as they must do anyway (as a parent). That was tough with your previous partner or you wouldn't be divorced so why would it be easy and FUN with a virtual stranger? It's a lot of pressure and would create resentment, like on your other thread about paying etc. Anyway just some thoughts. There is actually lots of room for compromise. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I have been dating a guy for a few months, pretty serious from the get go. All is well aside from we had our first real argument this weekend and even though we recovered well as far as I could tell (no silent treatments after, good make up sx and all that, still saying we love each other), I discovered that somewhere over the last few days my bf deleted the photo of us from his FB account that he had posted a week or so ago, before we obviously had conflict. When I asked him about this today, he acted like he had no idea and said he was deleting "old" photos this weekend and must have deleted that one inadvertently. (really?), and so he said he will repost the photo. So I told him that just in case this was a case of him deleting it because we had a fight and he was pissed off, it's just not the way to go. I told him it would be immature to do that and I would never do that unless we actually broke up. It was going so well, but it turns out he is a bit defensive, immature and sulky. But I've seen this in other guys, too. So I wonder if I just have to put up with it from time to time. Anyway, what would yall do if your bf deleted your photo from his fb after your first lovers quarrel? I chose to let it go and see if he continues to be immature. Thanks, You've been dating 2 months and you've made 4 posts about this guy. You disapprove of his children and his parenting style and his willingness to pay for dinners. At the same time, you're already involved with the kids, taking them places and buying them expensive gifts. You've expressed concern about his willingness to pay for dinners. Now you're worried about the deletion of a picture on FB. I think it's time to reevaluate the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 You've been dating 2 months and you've made 4 posts about this guy. You disapprove of his children and his parenting style and his willingness to pay for dinners. At the same time, you're already involved with the kids, taking them places and buying them expensive gifts. You've expressed concern about his willingness to pay for dinners. Now you're worried about the deletion of a picture on FB. I think it's time to reevaluate the relationship. lol, yes I do have concerns. I have never dated a single father. His children do need some boundaries, a bit of discipline. I've made it clear to him that paying for outings is something to discuss beforehand because finances are tight sometimes. He understands that. The crux of the issue in all of this and the postings is that it was rushed, I was thrown into an instant family situation. So, I am trying to figure out why that is first of all. Second of all, if I can evaluate the relationship at a slower pace and without the added pressure of an instant family, then I will have to decide if he is willing to compromise, as I am willing, on a few fundamentals. Otherwise, no there won't be a long term future. In the meantime, he is trying. That says something. (the FB photos were reposted within hours of my mentioning it). In any case, I am not ruling him out yet until I can see if slowing things down will bring about welcome changes. He may be "ready" to discuss a few parenting issues a year from now, but definitely not now. That is what I am thinking/evaluating. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 (edited) lol, yes I do have concerns. I have never dated a single father. His children do need some boundaries, a bit of discipline. The crux of the issue in all of this and the postings is that it was rushed, I was thrown into an instant family situation. He may be "ready" to discuss a few parenting issues a year from now, but definitely not now. Again, respectfully... They are not your children. Not your responsibility to discipline. Not your responsibility to parent. Not now, and not in a year. You were thrown into an instant family because you chose to date a single father. As such, boundaries are very important. It sounds like you, and your boyfriend, could work on developing a few healthy boundaries here. If it's helpful to have an example, my boyfriend has a child. We have been together for two years. I have NEVER ONCE told him how to parent his child. I have never offered my opinion, unless asked. And even then, I am very careful about what I say and it's always his decision... because he is not my child. I don't pick his son up at school if my boyfriend is stuck at work - his mom does. If we go out together, I don't pay for his son. I don't buy him anything (except small gifts on his birthday and at Christmas). I think, because of this, we have a great realtionship. I have cooked them dinner, we play board games together, we had a fun day together to celebrate his birthday last year, he has come to my extended family gatherings for holidays, his son bought me a Christmas present this year, things are chill... I am a friend, not a parent to the child. He already has two of them... Edited March 23, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 Again, respectfully... They are not your children. Not your responsibility to discipline. Not your responsibility to parent. Not now, and not in a year. You were thrown into an instant family because you chose to date a single father. As such, boundaries are very important. It sounds like you, and your boyfriend, could work on developing a few healthy boundaries here. If it's helpful to have an example, my boyfriend has a child. We have been together for two years. I have NEVER ONCE told him how to parent his child. I have never offered my opinion, unless asked. And even then, I am very careful about what I say and it's always his decision... because he is not my child. I don't pick his son up at school if my boyfriend is stuck at work - his mom does. If we go out together, I don't pay for his son. I don't buy him anything (except small gifts on his birthday and at Christmas). I think, because of this, we have a great realtionship. I have cooked them dinner, we play board games together, his son bought me a Christmas present this year, things are chill... I am a friend, not a parent to the child. He already has two of them... Thank you for telling me about your experience. As I've said, I have never dated a man with children before. I think I would be a lot more relaxed if I took the same approach as you, not taking responsibility for the children but being there more as a friend. So I do hope my bf is not expecting me to "mother" them, that is the crux of the issue with this relationship. Too much pressure right off the hop. I think we can figure it out. His kids are his responsibility. I like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 It's just my experience, take it for what it's worth. If that is the case, you have a discussion to have with your boyfriend about expectations... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Again, respectfully... They are not your children. Not your responsibility to discipline. Not your responsibility to parent. Not now, and not in a year. You were thrown into an instant family because you chose to date a single father. As such, boundaries are very important. It sounds like you, and your boyfriend, could work on developing a few healthy boundaries here. Agreed. It's too late for this now but if you both should have been more careful about letting it quickly evolve into an instafamily. I'd be slightly suspicious of and lacking in respect of a guy who put that on his kids frankly. Plus it outs perhaps part of his real motive, i.e. someone to help him shoulder the parent duties when he is on his own. And you skipped quickly over & missed out on all the bonding time & cherishing each other as simply as bf/gf too. You are in the settled in stage already (which is hard wakeup call whether it's a single father or a guys without kids too). I get that it's hard to not get caught up in the good momentum and reaching each new milestone provides assurances that he is serious about the relationship...but it is quite the tradeoff as you might now be realizing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Thank you. If he does not re-post the photo as he said he would then I will address it with him to see how he "really feels". lol Impulsive and immature behavior is just tiring coming from a grown-*ss man. Soooo you're saying that posting or deleting a picture on FB determines the fate of a relationship....HMMMMM now that's not very mature either, right. Also, your statement of "let's just assume he did as you think" sound like you need to be right here.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author db1984 Posted March 26, 2018 Author Share Posted March 26, 2018 Soooo you're saying that posting or deleting a picture on FB determines the fate of a relationship....HMMMMM now that's not very mature either, right. Also, your statement of "let's just assume he did as you think" sound like you need to be right here.... Nope it doesn't determine the fate of the relationship, but it does indicate a knee jerk reaction. It could indicate a passive aggressive tendency which is good to know. I don't need to be right, but being naïve doesn't exactly resonate with being very "smart" either. Link to post Share on other sites
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