What's the point of men doing this on dates?

[greymatter]

I agree with the others that it would be fine to reach out. It may yield the answer you want (silence or a response from him) which will help to resolve the question of whether he is interested. If it were me, instead of just "hi" I would say something like "Hope you had a good week. Just wanted to thank you again for the wonderful dinner. I had a great time with you." Then leave it at that and see what happens next.

[smackie9]

There is nothing mind boggling about it. Clearly this guy is married and was looking for some female companionship, a nice evening out. Who knows maybe his wife is terminally ill and needed a break. People are real good at taking on a false identity/ lie about who they are. This is just some guy on a dating site you chatted with a few times, you truly don't know that much about him, only what he has told you. Him disappearing makes total sense. This was just a one time thing.

[Redguitar35]

He took me to a very nice restaurant for dinner and wine. He treated me very well-made a reservation, made sure the table was by a window for great views, held the door open for me, and refused to let me pay for anything (I didn't think guys existed like this anymore).

 

I certainly wouldn't have done it. I would never pay for a girl's meal on a date if we weren't already in a relationship.

 

Besides that, we had a great conversation and had a lot of things in common. Dinner lasted about 2-2 1/2 hours. During the conversation he talked about nearby bars. He asked if I would like to go to one after dinner and I said yes. We ended up going and had a another drink and great conversation. We did kiss on the lips twice that night (just some sweet pecks).

 

 

You did two dates with him, and the most he gets is a peck, instead of sex, etc. That would have ended things for me. It would've made me think you were lukewarm about me. I'm betting you were taking things too slow for his taste, or he came away from the date thinking you weren't that into him.

[SevenCity]

There is nothing mind boggling about it. Clearly this guy is married and was looking for some female companionship, a nice evening out. Who knows maybe his wife is terminally ill and needed a break. People are real good at taking on a false identity/ lie about who they are. This is just some guy on a dating site you chatted with a few times, you truly don't know that much about him, only what he has told you. Him disappearing makes total sense. This was just a one time thing.

 

How is he all of a sudden married???

 

I've got a different theory, maybe he planned two nice dates, spent his money, and she won't even reach out to him. He determined she was low interest and cut his losses.

 

I know that what I would do.

[newyorker11356]

@RedGuitar and @Sevencity

 

Where did you guys get two dates from? It was one date. Changing venues doesn't make it two dates.

 

Redguitar, I will continue to tell you're wrong until you get tired of me saying it. If a guy assumes that the woman isn't into him because she didn't have sex with him after 1 date, then the woman is better off without him.

 

As you can see, the OP was into him. If that was the guy's thinking, then his loss.

[SevenCity]

@RedGuitar and @Sevencity

 

Where did you guys get two dates from? It was one date. Changing venues doesn't make it two dates.

 

Redguitar, I will continue to tell you're wrong until you get tired of me saying it. If a guy assumes that the woman isn't into him because she didn't have sex with him after 1 date, then the woman is better off without him.

 

As you can see, the OP was into him. If that was the guy's thinking, then his loss.

 

You're right - it was one date. I sit on my couch corrected

 

But....if he went through all that and she didn't call him then he may gauge that as low interest and move onto higher interest women. I know I have done that when I had other options. Doesn't mean I wasn't interested in them, but I tend to go for women who have higher interest. I'm not saying they have to have sex (that's usually 2nd or 3rd date for me), but a peck on the lips doesn't scream high interest. He made quite an investment for a first time date and could be expecting more effort from her (which is why she should call).

 

That said, there were two times when I had high interest and reached out to ask for another date - both times I was ghosted. It seems that I do better with women when I'm not that interested in them...which is almost all I've been out with.

[Versacehottie]

To me what went wrong is that you chased him for that second date rather than let him make the effort to get you on the next date. If you wanted to see where you really stood with him, that would have been the way to do it without confusion.

 

A lot/decent amount of guys, especially with the money to do so will go on dates effectively for companionship, to fill their schedule, an ego boost, some female attention, a little bit of an open door with you even if they have already mostly made their opinion of you.

 

Little story is once I set up my guy friend with a girl friend (big mistake btw). He makes a great living and there were a lot of things I thought were compatible about them together. So they went and I was on the receiving end of a lot of very excited phone calls from her. (i didn't really follow up with him because i didn't want to put pressure or influence either way). She was telling me he takes her out for amazing dinners, is really open, gentlemen etc, all good things and that they go either once a week or every other week.

 

Red flag. I've known this guy with other gf's, 5-6 times a week he would take out girls he is into bc he is very social and eats out a lot and gets invested soon enough. And talk many times a day. He's not clingy but is kinda grown up with his attention. So of course she was getting more and more desperate for info about what he thinks about her with her phone calls to me. I knew she would know from him and know already if he was that into her by his past dating behavior. So like 2 months maybe more later, she tells me again about their latest date, all the stuff they talk about and how great he is. I'm getting annoyed at dodging these phone calls for an answer I can't give and 99% sure she would have already known if he was into her so I call him up to find out what's up. Like i suspected he wasn't into her, not really. He enjoyed her; he enjoyed spending time with her AND yes thought little of it to keep taking her out spread out over time and if she was pursuing him sometimes. Really it was more about him getting her nurturing attention (which is why I thought they'd be a good match) and liking her companionship and needing a dinner partner. I wouldn't say he was using her in a classic sense, he just wasn't going to progress it, which is what most girls would think was going to be happening.

 

I told him to knock it off and stop taking her out or tell her what was really going on. (He didn't by the way and kept dating her here and there for months, over a year? I kinda removed myself from the whole thing after that). So yeah when you chase a guy (which my girl friend did) and they are open for the companionship and can afford it--just buying you a nice dinner and spending time with you aren't the only telltale signs that they are into you or are actually thinking of you to date seriously.

 

I hope I'm wrong about your situation OP and that it doesn't mirror the example i gave above. Good luck

[newyorker11356]

To me, if a man or a woman is doing all the chasing, it's a red flag.

 

But there's nothing wrong with what she did. A woman is more than capable of checking in as well. Now she knows he's not interested (or at the very least, not really that into her).

Edited March 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zippy2000]

I wouldnt read too much into this. There are a billion reasons why he disappeared. It could have been the way you never closed the mouth when you ate.

 

It could be he didnt expect the way you were in real life. Rather than worry about it. Find someone who is much more interest in you than he was.

[newyorker11356]

I wouldnt read too much into this. There are a billion reasons why he disappeared. It could have been the way you never closed the mouth when you ate.

 

It could be he didnt expect the way you were in real life. Rather than worry about it. Find someone who is much more interest in you than he was.

 

This.

 

And sometimes, it has nothing to do with you.

[ktmiller222]

Thanks for the responses. I didn't chase him. I am not going to message him about how he is doing--I'm still trying to stick to some of my old school ways of dating (let the guy take the lead after the first date). I understand he isn't interested whether it's something I said or if there is someone else...I get it. My originally post just had a question about guys that extend dates. Thanks!

[Maggie4]

I had a situation that was sooo similar to the OP's. And I contacted him. He responded well. Then we did this dating every week to 10 days. He doesn't text me in between. I wasn't thrilled about that tbh, but I didn't freak out. So it kind of went as poster PRW described it "should", for about 7 weeks now. We like each other a lot.

But the outcome is now I want to be friends. Not "just" friends, but an earth shattering friendship, much more than lovers. It's a beautiful friendship and I don't want to lose that by becoming bf/gf. He's not pushing for anything more, so far so good :-)

[LoverOfDance]

@SevenCity - You are funny. Read your post again. According to your post, you have reached out when your interest level was high. You are usually not very interested in women who have high interest in you. They have to reach out in order for you to take things any further. If the OP's guy is anything like you, then he's very likely not that interested in her, and yet you're advising her to reach out to him.

 

OP, please do your thing. Listen to your instincts, they are most likely correct.

[Gaeta]

 

1. They have options. You aren't the only one he has met. Because he has options he has a "clear head" and doesn't become obsessed over a woman after just one date.
   
2. Guy's who have their act together will probably only ask you out once a week or maybe every two weeks if he is busy and if you also have competition. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. You should be casually dating too so that he has competition. It will help you think clearly and help you not obsess over one guy.
   
3. They will not do much contact or chit-chat between dates. This is also a good thing. This allows both to anticipate the upcoming date and feel more excited about it. You will have more to talk about on the date since you didn't expend everything on the phone before the date.
   
4. Guys who have their act together will be on guard for women who freak out over not hearing from him every other day (or every day) after the first date.
   
5. Since most of the women he meets will fail at this, keep your head screwed on straight and you will beat out the competition by doing nothing more than showing restraint and patients.
   
6. After a few dates if you feel comfortable with him by then, you should contact him between the dates (but not excessively). He will probably use that as an opportunity to make the next date. He will expect this from you as a sign you are actually interested in him, as long as you don't over do it. This also lets you play more of a role in that the dates happen as often as you contact him rather than weekly or by weekly from him.
   
7. Don't expect exclusivity for about 7-8 weeks and don't expect him to bring it up. Once you have been seeing each other that long you should be the one to bring up the conversation. If he agrees then you are now at this point boyfriend/girlfriend and he will drop any others he may have been seeing causally (of course you do the same).
   

 

I don't know where you get your information but it is so FAR from how is dating nowadays! How long has it been since you were on the dating market?

 

I have a lot of dating experience, If a man waited 7 days to contact me between dates there wouldn't be a 2nd date. If he tried to contact me after 2 weeks I would not even answer!! Why would a woman that values herself even pick up the phone if the guy has not made any efforts in 2 weeks??

 

Same with 7-8 weeks before exclusivity? I would never invest 2 months in a man without addressing the exclusivity.

 

You want man to learn to have some self-respect I understand that BUT the way you teach them ONLY women without self-respect would play in their little games because what you tell men I don't ANY women with options that would put up with it.

[Cookiesandough]

He was hoping to get a hookup out of it