skywriter Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 If you've given your all in relationships only for you to be treated like dirt isn't it nice to have a guy who's really, really into you?My more recent ex-moved on in December. That made me realise how NOT invested in me he was and plus he's moved to another city. It's nice to have a guy into me, paying for dates and treating me like a princess. Don't think I've ever had that. My ex-did it once in a blue moon and I was honestly taken aback when he did. This guy seems to not think about am I worth it or not. He just does it. I do have quite a high sex drive. But id rather have a nice guy and average sex than good sex and a partner that doesn't understand commitment and doesn't treat me well. From my experience the more you bond with a person, on an emotional level, this can change your sex drive, I think emotional connections changes my experience in love making. I can also tell that my boyfriend puts a lot of effort into trying to make our lovemaking experience satisfying for me. This is a new experience for me . This guy sounds so sweet and thoughtful towards you. That's wonderful.I notice that for my boyfriend, he isn't used to having a woman think about his needs, and so I try very hard to reciprocate in doing thoughtful things as he does for me.
Fair Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 If a couple isn't compatible in many ways... then yes, a great sex life isn't going to keep them together. But I can't tell you how many marriages and relationships I see fail, or at least end up with one very unhappy partner because sex was not given a priority or importance. This is a symptom of bigger issues... sex is doubtfully ever THE problem that tears marriages apart. Just an inevitable side effect of something more important gone awry.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 If you've given your all in relationships only for you to be treated like dirt isn't it nice to have a guy who's really, really into you?My more recent ex-moved on in December. That made me realise how NOT invested in me he was and plus he's moved to another city. It's nice to have a guy into me, paying for dates and treating me like a princess. Don't think I've ever had that. My ex-did it once in a blue moon and I was honestly taken aback when he did. This guy seems to not think about am I worth it or not. He just does it. I do have quite a high sex drive. But id rather have a nice guy and average sex than good sex and a partner that doesn't understand commitment and doesn't treat me well. Reading this is kinda like me saying I'm tired of breaking my ass every day, so now I am going to join a traveling circus... And thinking it makes sense... My guess is if he has any balls at all, once he figures out he's been chosen only because you think he's a KISA, then he is going to turn on you ....in a big way.... Measure twice and cut once... TFY
Fair Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 The OP, hasn't said his attributes outweigh the sexual component. OP has posted because she is struggling in regard to a man who will not change a diaper yet wants kids and she is not sexually attracted. Are you sure you actually read the post? She loves his other attributes and gushes about them, thinks they would make him a good partner. She even thinks that her lack of being totally attracted to him (She didn't say not at all) is a good thing... she's looking for stability, not fireworks. And her question wasn't even about sex, yet that's what everyone is focusing on. She asked about whether opposites can attract/make a good match. And everyone was so blinded by the sex thing that she barely got her question answered.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 10, 2018 Author Posted March 10, 2018 Are you sure you actually read the post? She loves his other attributes and gushes about them, thinks they would make him a good partner. She even thinks that her lack of being totally attracted to him (She didn't say not at all) is a good thing... she's looking for stability, not fireworks. And her question wasn't even about sex, yet that's what everyone is focusing on. She asked about whether opposites can attract/make a good match. And everyone was so blinded by the sex thing that she barely got her question answered. Thank you. He's a thoughtful person, he cares, he tries his hardest, he puts in the effort. Name one woman that's like "sheesh I can't stand the man that puts in the effort, calls when he says he will and makes me feel respected and valued".
littleblackheart Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 Are you sure you actually read the post? She loves his other attributes and gushes about them, thinks they would make him a good partner. She even thinks that her lack of being totally attracted to him (She didn't say not at all) is a good thing... she's looking for stability, not fireworks. And her question wasn't even about sex, yet that's what everyone is focusing on. She asked about whether opposites can attract/make a good match. And everyone was so blinded by the sex thing that she barely got her question answered. What I've read is a lot of gushing about how he treats her compared to all previous partners. Not saying it's a bad thing - it's just a little self-centered, is all. Having said that, if he too thinks he's found his best match, all is well. Other than that, yes, opposites can atttract and make a good match...
skywriter Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 If you've given your all in relationships only for you to be treated like dirt isn't it nice to have a guy who's really, really into you?My more recent ex-moved on in December. That made me realise how NOT invested in me he was and plus he's moved to another city. It's nice to have a guy into me, paying for dates and treating me like a princess. Don't think I've ever had that. My ex-did it once in a blue moon and I was honestly taken aback when he did. This guy seems to not think about am I worth it or not. He just does it. I do have quite a high sex drive. But id rather have a nice guy and average sex than good sex and a partner that doesn't understand commitment and doesn't treat me well. Reading this, indicates that you know what you want, so you've tried giving your all and being treated like dirt so now you'd rather try this guy you say has an average sex drive. All I was trying to say above is sex drives can change as you bond and get closer, sometimes it might be short and sweet and other times very passionate and more intense, as you bond and grow emotionally.
LoverOfDance Posted March 10, 2018 Posted March 10, 2018 OP, I don't mean to be rude but what really annoys me about this thread is how selfish you are in your situation. I'm very sorry but you're being selfish about this and it is at the expense of someone else. @Fair - The OP has clearly said that she is settling for this guy and yet you are still encouraging her. Quite disappointing to be honest. OP, everyone is fixated on the issue of attraction because honestly, the issue you presented concerning poop is quite minor. Without you knowing it, you revealed in your post that you're settling for this guy. I knew it immediately I read your post. I wish you would be honest with this man and tell him that truthfully, you have settled for him because you think you can't find better. I find this entire situation very sad tbh. I wish you all the best and hope neither you or your partner ends up unhappy in this relationship. 1
skywriter Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 (edited) Yea, I wish you the best, hope you find whatever you're hoping for. I wish the best for your thoughtful guy friend too,he deserves someone to value him and treat him with equal love and thoughtfulness. I only see you responding randomly so I don't now if you are just not hearing what you are wanting to hear or how you feel about what you've read? Edited March 11, 2018 by skywriter 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 But id rather have a nice guy and average sex than good sex and a partner that doesn't understand commitment and doesn't treat me well. This sounds very reasonable to me. I believe it's the same conclusion the vast majority of women eventually reach. Personally, I struggle with it and thus far haven't been able to do it because I feel it's not exactly "fair" to the man. But I'm obviously in the minority. Internet dating data has revealed that 80% of women desire the top 10% of men and basically find the remaining 90% mediocre. It's not exactly "rational", and we can get emotional about it, but it's simple biology. This is why women put up with a lot of crap in their younger years, all in their wide-eyed, optimistic pursuit of the almighty alpha genes. Like so many other women, Daisy is waking up to the realities. One poster said she's being "selfish". In dating/mating/reproductive strategy, everybody is selfish - including her boyfriend, who wants to commit to her to fulfill his own needs and wants. I've had many clear opportunities to settle with the stable "good bet", and while I and a lot of women probably wouldn't have talked about it or written about it in a thread here, these choices are universal and ubiquitous for women. And women are rewarded tremendously for making "the sensible choice". 1
LoverOfDance Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 @Ruby Slippers - Selfishness is not necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish because at the end of the day, both you and others will benefit from that choice to be selfish. I believe the problem of selfishness arises when there is a chance that you or someone else could be hurt due to that selfishness. I'm not sure how her boyfriend would feel if he found out that she is not "entirely attracted to him" and has chosen to stay with him because he's nicer than all the other guys she's dated. I know if a man told me this, I'd be hurt. No one wants to be the person someone settled for - It kind of hurts. You're not the best, you're manageable, good enough.. for now at least. You shouldn't settle for anyone because you wouldn't want someone else to settle for you. 1
GoodOnPaper Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 But id rather have a nice guy and average sex than good sex and a partner that doesn't understand commitment and doesn't treat me well. Well, chances are that he is very well aware that women think of him as “nice” and “Mr. Average Sex”. Is he ok with that, at least as long as you seem to be sufficiently attracted to him, or might he be looking for that one woman who thinks he has just as much sex appeal as the stereotypical alpha, bad-boy types?
Gaeta Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 How long have you been dating? Are you happy to see his name on your phone? Do you look forward to spending time with him? If you answer yes than give time for feelings to develop and to familiarize both yourself with the new sex. Not all relationships start with sparks and lightnings and the desire to rip each other's clothes off. Love built on respect of each other grow strong and last. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I'm not sure how her boyfriend would feel if he found out that she is not "entirely attracted to him" and has chosen to stay with him because he's nicer than all the other guys she's dated. Probably the same way as all the men (and women) whose partners are with them because they're the best they can do, and a relatively safe bet - which in practice is most couples.
basil67 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I don’t think people withhold sex in a marriage because they aren’t attracted to their partner. Problems in the marriage that generate resentment, loss of emotional connection, ED, low libido, the partner being really bad in bed (incompatibility) are more likely culprits. Problems in the marriage that generate resentment, loss of emotional connection, the partner being really bad in bed will create loss of attraction to the partner. Attraction is a heck of a lot more than skin deep. 3
littleblackheart Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 This thread has actually reminded me of a reality TV show I binge watched not so long ago about tow strangers marrying on their first meeting day (married at first sight?), I don't know how realistic or truthful it is but I remember this couple (Doug and Jamie) meeting at the altar. He was blown away by how stunning she was and she was visibly upset because she didn't find him attractive at all on the day, so much so that she was in tears. They stuck to the experiment anyway as they decided to trust the judgement of the 'experts' that matched them up. As the series developed, you could see how she was starting to fall for him for all the good and genuine qualities he was exhibiting - kindness, reliability, that feeling that he was 'punching above his weight' which apparently made him grateful for her to stick around, which as an aside, I thought was the really odd part. It turns out that all she wanted was to be treated with kindness (she had a series a bad or abusive relationships before her, just like the OP) and was desperate for a family, and her new husband was just what the doctors ordered - literally, in her case ! The whole 'settling' issue was openly discussed between them and he said he didn't really care whether or not she had settled for him because he felt lucky to be with her. So she was looking for a 'good guy', he was looking for a hottie, so they both got what they wanted from their deal but what was really interesting was how open and honest they were with each other about their own needs. Anyway, their update is that 3 years on, they are still happily married and now new parents so there may be a lesson in there somewhere, and this may just be the ticket for Daisy and her beau.
TheFinalWord Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 My question is, does anyone have a story of things working out with someone who's quite opposite to them? My mother and father (recently celebrated 40th anniversary!). Probably the only hobbies my parents have in common is they both like antiques and they hold the same religious beliefs. Otherwise, they are opposite in every way. 1
mortensorchid Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I have been in two truly odd relationships in my lifetime - One was many years ago now I was with a nice Jewish boy from the west coast 6 years my junior who was going to law school in my city, while I am/was 6 years older than him, Catholic, and was a working physician biller and a punk rocker. Another was last year, I was with a guy who was 8 years older than me and a hippie. We (as in both of those pairings) were odd. What attracted one to the other? Probably the otherness of the other person. When you are in an odd couple relationship, you can learn things from one another and learn to work together as "others" rather than as "likes". In some cases, you find out rather quickly (but this can happen in other "like" couples as well) that one tends to always be the one who gives into the wants/demands of the other, and I think this happens more with the odd couples rather than the like ones.
stillafool Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I agree. I actually think it's more important for the man to find the woman more attractive. Women tend to fall for a guy for personality anyway. This is so untrue. I've never wanted to have sex with a man based on his personality alone. I have to be physically attracted to him. Women are in to looks just as much as men are. I don't want a husband I'm not physically attracted to no matter how nice he is to me. 2
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 This is so untrue. I've never wanted to have sex with a man based on his personality alone. I have to be physically attracted to him. Women are in to looks just as much as men are. I don't want a husband I'm not physically attracted to no matter how nice he is to me. There is a phenomenon known in women that physical attraction will grow as she discovers a pleasing personality. I am looking forward to Daisy-Olivia answering my questions about if she enjoys her time and if she is looking forward to seeing him. If yes then there is a base for attraction to grow...depending on how long they've been dating.
littleblackheart Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I don't want a husband I'm not physically attracted to no matter how nice he is to me. Nor do I, and I'm not into looks particularly. Ideally, you need both in equal measure and shouldn't have to give up or sacrifice one for the other. With that being said, if they both are happy, fully aware and fulfilling each other's needs and mostly on the same page (the most important part), how does it matter how they got there?
thefooloftheyear Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 With that being said, if they both are happy, fully aware and fulfilling each other's needs and mostly on the same page (the most important part), how does it matter how they got there? Knowing what I know about guys in general, and knowing what she said about not really being all that attracted to him, i'll go out on a very sturdy limb and say that they most likely aren't on the same page... TFY
littleblackheart Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) Knowing what I know about guys in general, and knowing what she said about not really being all that attracted to him, i'll go out on a very sturdy limb and say that they most likely aren't on the same page... TFY If OP is her bf's ideal partner, he will accommodate himself with being 'settled for', which is to say he'll be glad to be appreciated for his qualities rather than be discarded for lack of physical attraction or other 'shallow' (for lack of a better word) stuff, even if he himself has different criteria for what makes a good partner (ie he needs to be physically attracted to her). I know a lot of couples like that, it's totally a normal situation and it works just fine, provided the woman keeps her good looks (no pressure!). I think if OP's thought process is more about genuinely liking her partner for who he is while acknowleding that her usual 'type' hasn't worked for her so far, rather than a self-centered need to finally be appreciated after all her bad luck, it can work. It's only if she's gone too far the other way, ie if she pretends to herself that she's stopped caring about a fulfilling intimate life from now until forever for the sake of being with a good guy that there may be problems long term. I've also seen this play out a lot in real life. If they are compatible on all or most other important stuff (how to communicate with each other, for instance), and it's carefully thought through by both, it actually sounds like a very mature way of doing things. I mean, you can hold out for your ideal forever or you can be content with what you have now - I guess that's where Daisy is at. If the motives are legit and genuine, it's all good, imo. [ didn't really mean to write such a long post in reply (sorry!)] Edited March 13, 2018 by littleblackheart
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