thefooloftheyear Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Why would changing a diaper or cleaning your own kids ass be considered "weird" or repulsive?? I don't get it??? TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 Think of this picture with me for a moment, then you guys can understand where I'm coming from. I'm also not afraid to speak the truth so here goes. I've been in love before BUT NO guy has ever been in love with me. From all my relationships, NO GUY has ever been in love with me. All I've ever wanted was a guy to love me and put me first. For once. And even though this guy is a little conservative and is opposite on things like personality ( hes introverted and I'm extroverted) he likes me for who I am he says he finds me intriguing and he thinks I'm beautiful which is also refreshing to hear. I've been so accommodating, and kind and considerate in relationships before. I guess all I want is a guy who actually wants a family and puts me first. This year I will be 35. I don't have much time left. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Think of this picture with me for a moment, then you guys can understand where I'm coming from. I'm also not afraid to speak the truth so here goes. I've been in love before BUT NO guy has ever been in love with me. From all my relationships, NO GUY has ever been in love with me. All I've ever wanted was a guy to love me and put me first. For once. And even though this guy is a little conservative and is opposite on things like personality ( hes introverted and I'm extroverted) he likes me for who I am he says he finds me intriguing and he thinks I'm beautiful which is also refreshing to hear. I've been so accommodating, and kind and considerate in relationships before. I guess all I want is a guy who actually wants a family and puts me first. This year I will be 35. I don't have much time left. You are desperate. This is nothing to build a house, home, family on. You do not love him or want him...you want a husband and children. Please do not marry this man for your own fear. Do not do that to him or yourself. Being married is tough stuff. It requires patience, respect and most important...love. Real love has to be there and real love is very rare. I'm not feeling anything except desperation from you. My advice would be to slow down and consider the whole world and what you are willing to contribute. There are many children in need of assistance. Your biological clock is ticking, I understand, but holy crap do not enter a lifelong commitment out of fear. Never make an important decision from fear. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 The OP says she likes the guy and is looking more at his other attributes than at the sexual component and believes his other attributes outweigh the other and would make him a good partner. So really, what's the problem? Yet, so many gasps! And way too much emphasis on the importance of it. I mean, no matter who you marry, the attraction will fade... better to have someone with a good character first and foremost. I agree. I actually think it's more important for the man to find the woman more attractive. Women tend to fall for a guy for personality anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 You're doing the mental bargaining that most women do by some point, myself included. People can cast their judgments and tell you what to do, but ultimately, only you can make the decision on whether to continue and nurture the relationship or not. Personally, I don't seem capable of settling for a safe, comfortable relationship that doesn't turn me on sexually. I feel this is quite natural given that I still have a sex drive driving me. I believe it's unwise to deny your nature. However, some people are capable of "settling" and find more happiness there than elsewhere. I've known women who admitted to me that they made a choice to settle for safety and stability over passion and sparks, that it made sense for them. This is their choice! Yes, it can be argued that settling carries certain risks - but following your heart in search of true love is also QUITE fraught with risk, as my bedraggled soul shows It's your choice. Only you know deep down what's right for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I’m going to not talk about the sexual facet since everyone is talking about that and it’s a hot button issue it seems . I want to say that the most important is that your VALUES aren’t opposite, and are close enough. And that, besides wanting a family and loving you, his day to day personally is a good enough match for you. If your habits and his habits are girding each other’s nerves, it may not be good. The question is, are his faults acceptable enough for you? Is he kind to everyone not just you? Is he emotionally stable ? Is he financially stable? Are you comfortable and have fun with each other ? Is he easy going? I’m a bit concerned whether you could be yourself around him, pink hair and all. Nobody is perfect the trick is the imperfections should be ones that you could put up with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Think of this picture with me for a moment, then you guys can understand where I'm coming from. I'm also not afraid to speak the truth so here goes. I've been in love before BUT NO guy has ever been in love with me. From all my relationships, NO GUY has ever been in love with me. All I've ever wanted was a guy to love me and put me first. For once. And even though this guy is a little conservative and is opposite on things like personality ( hes introverted and I'm extroverted) he likes me for who I am he says he finds me intriguing and he thinks I'm beautiful which is also refreshing to hear. I've been so accommodating, and kind and considerate in relationships before. I guess all I want is a guy who actually wants a family and puts me first. This year I will be 35. I don't have much time left. If you don't have a super high sex drive that's going to become a problem because the lust factor is missing, then it's probably a good match. Honestly, it still does sound like you're desperate and settling. But, maybe it's ok to settle? I don't know.... Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 OK, I’ll comment a bit more. I’m glad you feel loved and cared about and beautiful. That’s great. But, very much like what you said about sexual attraction, this will fade too, the romance. In time, when you are married , he will gush and fawn over you less. And what you’ll be left is the personalities and how you interact with each other. That’s why you don’t have to have the same interests but the same way to look at life and have to agree on the fundamentals. The poop thing isn’t that concerning. When it’s his kid he could get over it fast. About the sexual attraction I agree it should not be the primary criterion at all. I’m at odds with the majority here. Due to a process called habituation, in time the most attractive or non attractive specimen will be just your partner . In other words you’ll become somewhat desenzitized. However, sex is very important. More than whether you were first very attracted to him ,it will matter whether you are sexually compatible. You have to have similar sex drives . And he has to be good in bed. Most men aren’t . If he’s good and you want to have sex with about the same frequency all is great. I hope it works out for you. Take your time knowing him and whether you two are compatible enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 And he has to be good in bed. Most men aren’t . From my experience, I disagree. However, I will say that even you don't find someone initially the most physically attractive man you've ever seen, sexual chemistry can overcome that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I wonder if he knows that he really doesn't make her motor run.... My guess is no... In that case its a deception....I don't care about anything else he does or how else he makes her feel..or whatever else they may be compatible or not compatible on... TFY 5 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 (edited) . Due to a process called habituation, in time the most attractive or non attractive specimen will be just your partner . In other words you’ll become somewhat desenzitized. . Disagree.... I mean, sure this happens, but no way in hell is it a certainty for all...That being said, you just about guarantee it will happen if you start with relatively nothing..... TFY Edited March 10, 2018 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 I'm sick of giving my heart to guys who don't want me. Isn't it nice to finally be wanted? My friend is in a marriage she loves her children, wants more. Feels secure being married. Does not love her husband. I suspect never did. She prefers being married than out there alone. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I'm sick of giving my heart to guys who don't want me. Isn't it nice to finally be wanted? My friend is in a marriage she loves her children, wants more. Feels secure being married. Does not love her husband. I suspect never did. She prefers being married than out there alone. To each their own. I'd rather be alone than with someone I never loved. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 To each their own. I'd rather be alone than with someone I never loved. I agree. I actually tried that once and it was the most awkward time. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 (edited) Think of this picture with me for a moment, then you guys can understand where I'm coming from. I'm also not afraid to speak the truth so here goes. I've been in love before BUT NO guy has ever been in love with me. From all my relationships, NO GUY has ever been in love with me. All I've ever wanted was a guy to love me and put me first. For once. And even though this guy is a little conservative and is opposite on things like personality ( hes introverted and I'm extroverted) he likes me for who I am he says he finds me intriguing and he thinks I'm beautiful which is also refreshing to hear. I've been so accommodating, and kind and considerate in relationships before. I guess all I want is a guy who actually wants a family and puts me first. This year I will be 35. I don't have much time left. It's nice when all goes smoothly. Unfortunately no relationship is smooth sailing. You've only been together 7 months so you're still in the 'nothing can go wrong' phase - what happens when you starting hitting bumps and you remember you're not that attracted to him anyway ? If neither of you places that much importance on physical attraction then this may work - it's actually quite a mature and realistic thing to do when this is a mutually agreed thing, imo. If however he is physically attracted to you, he will expect this side of the relationship to not change if when the going gets tough (ie no withholding sex). Edited March 10, 2018 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I'm sick of giving my heart to guys who don't want me. Isn't it nice to finally be wanted? My friend is in a marriage she loves her children, wants more. Feels secure being married. Does not love her husband. I suspect never did. She prefers being married than out there alone. And to be fair, having love and sexual desire as part of the equation for compatibility is a particularly modern approach to marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I don’t think people withhold sex in a marriage because they aren’t attracted to their partner. Problems in the marriage that generate resentment, loss of emotional connection, ED, low libido, the partner being really bad in bed (incompatibility) are more likely culprits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 And to be fair, having love and sexual desire as part of the equation for compatibility is a particularly modern approach to marriage. You mean we have evolved? This ain't 1883? Daisy, if you choose this path, be honest with the guy. Tell him you want marriage and family but this is an arrangement to this end. You'll be back in another forum, or he will, if both of you don't have eye's wide open. As I said before, marriage is tough stuff. Neither of you know what is around the corner but guarantee life will do her thing. What if you marry and discover that you are unable to conceive? Will you remain devoted to him? Anyway, good luck sweetie. Glad you have found a man who appreciates you. If you maintain integrity/honesty, things will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 (edited) I'm sick of giving my heart to guys who don't want me. Isn't it nice to finally be wanted? My friend is in a marriage she loves her children, wants more. Feels secure being married. Does not love her husband. I suspect never did. She prefers being married than out there alone. I understand that you say your biological clock is ticking. Is there chance in just letting things progress naturally and seeing where this might go with the gentleman you are discussing? My baby making days are all behind me so my comparison was only in terms of opposites. You are much younger, but I can understand your feelings about giving your heart to guys who don't want you. I think you should follow your own judgement about this guy and see where it goes, you may never know unless you give him a chance. ...and yes my relationship is working out, because of components that we value equally, like trust, communication, mutual respect, and space, sex is important but not at the top of our list, (we are 50 somethings). Any relationship takes work, you get as good as you give applies to both partners.Life can be a learning experience together or it can go to hell in a hand basket. My nearly 18 year marriage did and that's another thread.LOL. I will say this, my partner and I can honestly say, we enjoy coming home. We don't argue,ever... I know, I know, that is amazing to me too. We laugh at each other, every single day about something. Loving someone that doesn't love you back is the soul draining experience of all soul draining experiences, been there and have my story. Regrets suck, so what have you to lose by spending time with a guy that treats you well, respects you, so on and so forth.I'm not saying get engaged , plan a future just enjoy each other for the time. LORD, I sound like my mother, more and more everyday:) Edited March 10, 2018 by skywriter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 And to be fair, having love and sexual desire as part of the equation for compatibility is a particularly modern approach to marriage. Yes, and look how well it's working for us liberated Westerners, with the highest divorce rate in the world, declining birth rate - while the more traditional-minded are creating big, healthy tribes with strong bonds. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Yes, and look how well it's working for us liberated Westerners, with the highest divorce rate in the world, declining birth rate - while the more traditional-minded are creating big, healthy tribes with strong bonds. Well but which societies tend to be happier though. Last I checked most people WANT to migrate to the West. The idea of having a marriage arranged for me to a woman I may not even be attracted to, where I am expected to support her and our few children--and STAY married even though the marriage isn't working and never was, just to uphold the edicts of the tribe, sounds utterly awful to me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 (edited) In general yes I do. I think sometimes being opposite and provide relationships with a good balance. Personalities being different is okay but values and things like attractivess, libido, life goals need to be similar. For example, I like men that are more grounded and stable because I am more outwardly emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. This creates a good balance. Edited March 10, 2018 by HiCrunchy Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Well but which societies tend to be happier though. Many Western men who "followed their hearts" are very unhappy that the wives they were in love with left them to go "find themselves" and took them to the cleaners in divorce. The 40+ dating scene is riddled with divorced and broken-up men who got screwed because they were blindly "in love" - along with plenty of unhappily married men who figured out their wives were just using them for resources all along, many of these who stay "for the kids". Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I actually came from that part of the world - the part of the world with arranged marriages, people settling and staying in marriages/relationships even when they weren't in love e.t.c. My parents didn't love each other and we always knew. They stayed together because of us - their kids. Their marriage was broken and they still stayed together. It was the most depressing thing for me knowing my parents didn't love each other. I swore that I'd never end up in a marriage like that. I will not accept an ********* who I find attractive but doesn't love or respect me and I will not accept a nice guy who I am not attracted to. I'd rather be alone than end up with either of these men. I pray everyday that I will be lucky and blessed enough to find the right man who has all the right qualities. I will remain patient and hopeful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 If you've given your all in relationships only for you to be treated like dirt isn't it nice to have a guy who's really, really into you?My more recent ex-moved on in December. That made me realise how NOT invested in me he was and plus he's moved to another city. It's nice to have a guy into me, paying for dates and treating me like a princess. Don't think I've ever had that. My ex-did it once in a blue moon and I was honestly taken aback when he did. This guy seems to not think about am I worth it or not. He just does it. I do have quite a high sex drive. But id rather have a nice guy and average sex than good sex and a partner that doesn't understand commitment and doesn't treat me well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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