Fiancee's mom wants to move in

[preraph]

Recent change, nobody even said she was old. They're young newlyweds. She's probably 40. Even if not, I'm 65, working two jobs supporting myself and living alone since the 70s. I'll have to get a small place at some point and afford home care if I don't just keel over nice and quick.

Edited March 9, 2018 by preraph

[S2B]

Don't even be polite about it or give her the idea maybe someday. Tell her, No Way I'm living with your mom --- ever!" It's a totally unreasonable request. She probably wants her there so they can tell you what to do together. It's not reasonable in the least so don't feel bad about saying No Way.

 

Yes to this ^^^

 

Make sure you're firm when saying NO!

 

Remind her that you're marry her - not her Mom!

 

Be ready to call it quits if she insists. Marrying someone shouldn't include family coming along.

 

Her Mom may be a widow - but she's an adult - an adult who's lived long enough to figure things out for herself.

[S2B]

If she's Filipino, she will do it whether you want it or not and she will send your money to her family on a continual basis. My cousin is in that situation. She works but she won't contribute a penny to her own household and when he was in the hospital after losing his leg on a motorcycle, the insurance check came in and she sent that to the Phillipines to her family there. He needed that money, obviously.

 

So unless she's very Americanized or never lived over there so that her customs are not their norm, the only way out of this is not marrying her. It won't stop with her mother.

 

Nothing wrong with having different culture and customs, but this is one that does not mesh at all well with American customs from I can see. It's too costly and too invasive. The part I don't get is my cousin's wife was dirt poor and they were used to living on nothing, so I'm sure he thought that she'd be satisfied with just sending them $50 every now and then, but no, she send everything she can put her hands on to there and to SF, where most of them are coming over to. Can you imagine supporting someone living in SF?

 

This is true. Is your fiancé Filipino? If so, expect to have any and all of your earned money go to her family.

[d0nnivain]

I strongly disagree with those advising you not to be polite about saying no. We're talking about your FI -- soon to be wife & her mother. For heaven's sake you must be polite! Why on earth would you marry somebody you can't even speak kindly too? Ugh. However, polite does not mean milktoast. You have every right to say no; just don't be a mean spirited jerk about it.

 

 

Living with mom after marriage may be a cultural norm for your wife so you are kinda fighting an uphill battle & something like this could easily become a deal break so diplomacy may be in order.

 

 

I suggest you look for a compromise. If you can't afford a guest house (& really who can?) what about a 2 family, something with a MIL suite, or even possibly trying to get MIL an apartment in your building or on the same block . . . close but not too close if you know what I mean.

 

 

When my mother died, I talked to my husband about having dad come live with us. The 3 of us had vacationed together, even sharing a hotel on rare occasions. DH & dad got along great. I was surprised when my husband said Hell No to living with my dad. But DH immediately offered selling our house to get a 2 family. He simply wanted that demarcation & wanted to be able to close a door to get fully away from my dad. It was a reasonable compromise IMO.

 

 

My advice: talk to your FI & try to come up with a solution that works for everybody. Remember she is your life partner. That means you make decisions together.

[d0nnivain]

Remind her that you're marry her - not her Mom!

 

Be ready to call it quits if she insists. Marrying someone shouldn't include family coming along.

 

 

When you marry, their family becomes your family. It's a package deal. Anybody who doesn't understand that shouldn't be married.

 

 

When my parents were dying, DH stepped up to take care of them.

 

 

We recently bought a 2nd house so his mother would have a place to live.

[stillafool]

One way of telling her that might be hard for her to criticize is if you told her, Look, Sounds like this is not a good time for you to be getting marrried. You and your mom get her sorted out with a place to live, live with her if you want to for awhile, and we'll wait until you have her all set up and established in her new place before we get married and us two live together. We're not in any hurry.

 

This sounds perfectly reasonable and yet it will certainly get the message across that this is her job, not yours.

 

I really like this suggestion. It is not your responsibility to take care of her mom. My goodness, the next thing you know she will want other relatives from her country moving in. Put your foot down now and say no. Let her and her mom work this out on their own. I would not marry her until she gets her mom settled somewhere else.

[sandylee1]

I would say no and mean it. You live with your parents as a child and adolescent...when do you get to live on your own if they follow after you get married.

 

If you allow it on a trial basis....she won't move out.

 

I would never live with my in-laws and I wouldn't want to live with my parents either.

 

I understand the cultural issues...but you need to be firm on this.

[bathtub-row]

This is a huge deal that should’ve been talked about a long time ago. Family moving in with you is going to completely change the dynamics of your relationship. I mean, I get it if family is in need, but this sounds like a very different situation. This needs to be resolved before the wedding.

[preraph]

This is a huge deal that should’ve been talked about a long time ago. Family moving in with you is going to completely change the dynamics of your relationship. I mean, I get it if family is in need, but this sounds like a very different situation. This needs to be resolved before the wedding.

 

Yeah, in need, and my answer to that just like it was with my cousin is "So what was the plan before she met you for her family to take care of themselves?" That is just BS. When the wife spent my cousin's insurance money while he was helpless in the hospital sending it off to her family and he later tried to justify her actions saying the mother had hospital bills (this was a place that had social medicine), I said, "So what was her plan to pay those bills BEFORE you lost your leg???" Grrr. The answer is they were never going to pay any hospital bills with it. Her own husband, on the other hand, did have hospital bills that money needed to be used for and prosthetics and alterations to his home for disabled.

[kenji_t]

This should have been discussed when you guys were still dating..

Family issues are a pain in every relationship, if it was very important for your fiancé to have your MIL living with you, it was supposed to be discussed earlier.

 

It's pretty common in asian families to have the in laws or parents living together, however not everyone agrees with it.

 

I'm japanese, and my wife had asked me a few days later after I asked her out if I intended to move my parents over (good heavens, I have never wanted that), because she said she really liked me and wanted to set up her expectations regarding our future...

I said no and then asked the same :-)

 

I honestly can't see myself living with my parents or my in-laws...

[Aiuta le mani]

Hello friend, thanks for sharing here! I do agree with the fact that this is a decision that you need to make together! You cannot just set your foot on the ground and say "No" unless you are ready to see your FI say goodbye! Also, you have been living together for two years and, I think, that gives you a clear idea of the close relationship that your FI has with her family.

I do agree with the fact that you need to let her know how you feel and what you think about it, but also, you need to ask some questions: why does she want her mother living with you? if that was not an option, what would be a good alternative? what would you do if her mother gets sick, need help, financial support, etc? Before you say how you feel and make a decision, ask as many questions as you can and then, make a decision together! Keep the conversation honest but kind and remember that she loves you and her mother and wants the best for you both so be sensitive to that and try to understand her reasons while explaining yours and work on finding a place where you can both compromise bit are satisfied! Keep moving forward my friend!