How persistent should fat/ugly women be when pursuing men?

[CC12]

def ugly. Both men and women have been telling me this since I was a child.

 

I used to do the hair/nails/makuep/shoes bit religiously, and thought I looked good. But repeatedly was told by men that I still looked ugly.

 

I just...don't believe this. I don't believe that you are told on a regular basis that you're ugly. Like, yeah, maybe when you were a kid, other kids told you this (because kids are *******s) but your looks as a kid don't apply to your adult looks. You look different now. So forget what people told you back then.

 

And I also have a hard time believing that so many men in your adult life told you that you are "ugly" and actually using that word. Like, honestly, can you answer how many men (or women, even) in your adult life have literally told you that you're ugly? What was the context?

[basil67]

Hi Clia! I used to do the hair/nails/makuep/shoes bit religiously, and thought I looked good. Certainly, I looked much better than if I didn't! But repeatedly was told by men that I still looked ugly. I spent a lot of time and money on my appearance and it didn't come easily - I also spent hours and hours watching technique videos on Youtube and practicing - so I said eff it. If I'm going to be ugly anyway, I'm going to spend my time on money on something productive. Now I make clothing and have several craft hobbies with the money and time I used to spend on my appearance. And wear no makeup, and my hair is always in a messy bun, and my shoes are practical.

 

Also, in the past, I went to the gym and walked a ton and took dance classes. I was still fat. I finally went to a food therapist to help fix my eating habits, and while it has worked, I haven't lost any weight. I've just gotten stable at a slightly higher weight than I was before.

 

I do not pursue pretty men, ever. Only average to ugly dudes. I don't have a preferred body type - skinny is fine, fat is fine. I've never been into muscular, but wouldn't hold that against a man if he were into me. I don't care about height or race. I prefer less hair :-p but again, beggars can't be choosers.

 

And thank you for your input I hate silence. It gives me nothing to work with, but I guess that's why they do it - they don't want me to bother them anymore.

 

Oh, you make clothing? Perhaps you're on Facebook's Curvy Sewing Collective's page. Check it out if you haven't found it yet - such a supportive environment. And crafting? You sound like someone I need to know

 

The guys who tell you you're ugly: The are simply schoolyard bullies in big boys clothes. Obnoxious creeps who need to grow up. Would you tell a child to believe the bullies when they say she's ugly? No way. I bet you'd tell her that they are insecure and projecting it on to her.

[Chris2016]

I'll say this again:

 

There is a significant portion of the male population who are attracted to fat women.

 

true, but the fat women don't want to be with them. they are considered weird and creepy

 

^ Yeah, because it's often but not always like guys with any other fetish fixation. But there are guys who just grew up around overweight women and aren't afraid or repelled by them, so take the time to get to know someone before assuming they're weird.

 

I'm a bit confused here. I think alphamale is saying the fat women don't want to be with the guys who want to be with them.

 

I have the hots for some BBW (fetish fixation? maybe), but I think it's okay and a genuine one. Why? Because the one lady who I managed to attract was a BBW, and she was pretty awesome. So now I'm attracted to and have the hots for similar BBW.

 

So I try to get with BBW. But alas, as alphamale suggested, some of the BBW (who may not have prospects or shoot out their league) are picky as hell. I know, I know, I just need to find the one(s) that want me and ignore the rest.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Chris2016

[alphamale]

I'm a bit confused here. I think alphamale is saying the fat women don't want to be with the guys who want to be with them.

 

that's exactly what i'm saying. those guys are fetishists who get sexually aroused by overweight women

[Eternal Sunshine]

Look around you at married women. Quite a bit of them are overweight/obese and they don't exactly look good or put together in any way. So your weight/looks are not the main reason you are single.

[thefooloftheyear]

Look around you at married women. Quite a bit of them are overweight/obese and they don't exactly look good or put together in any way. So your weight/looks are not the main reason you are single.

 

 

True, but its a good bet that most of those women weren't fat when they met their husbands, they just let themselves go and the guys won't bother leaving them at that point......but more often than not they don't like it...

 

There are two types of heavy women, imo...

 

There are the one's that are heavy and yet still maintain somewhat of a feminine type of body..The basic shape is still there, just much larger...

 

Then there are the others that are just big, period...They are apple shaped and don't really have any type of feminine shape...Put a guys head on them and they look like just another fat guy...

 

It's the first type that the BBW fans tend to go for...So I would disagree that a "good percentage" of guys go for heavy women....Some do, and of those, they tend to favor the shapely/heavy woman..

 

I'd say try to lose the weight and get fitter...I know its harder for some than others, but don't look at it as a dating/men thing...Think of it as a positive direction for your life and health..I just can't imagine why anyone wouldn't take control of that part of their lives...And who in the hell wants to be someone's fetish? That's nuts...

 

So many other things in this life are just out of our control and have to be accepted....This just doesn't ...Be persistent with that part of your life..

 

TF Y

Edited March 11, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[healing light]

I echo what some others have said here. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't find a partner because you're fat. My former stepfather--who had a very muscular and trim body--loved overweight women and was quite concerned my mom was too thin for him. He said he knew that many more men loved overweight women but were too embarrassed to take her home to their moms. He ended up remarrying a woman twice my mom's size after they divorced. It's what he prefers.

 

I can't think of a single overweight female friend that hasn't had significant relationships. So, truly, don't let the number on the scale deter you.

 

 

If really are looking to lose weight, I agree with preraph. A special interest of mine is nutrition... I have had quite a unique life with my health issues, specifically having had to work through a period of time where I was literally starving from rampant food allergies, so I've done a lot of research on food/nutrition/wellness in addition to my background in Chinese medicine. There is no one size fits all diet and a lot of the official dietary guidelines in the US tend to make people fatter. It's quite important to actually make sure you are eating whole foods and consuming enough healthy fats to make and regulate your hormones. You can tailor from there by experimenting with intermittent fasting in a 9 hour window (not too hard to do) or diets that are specific to your situation (if you have autoimmune issues, considering the AIP diet, etc.). Then there are emotional factors or reasons why your body may hold onto weight that rarely get addressed (have you ever heard of the Gabriel method? Interesting stuff).

 

What I can say, though, is that your belief about yourself will be subconsciously reflected in your body language--and that part will prevent men from approaching you or giving you more serious consideration. So, I highly recommend getting to some deeply rooted emotional beliefs and seeing if you can change them through processes like EFT (emotional freedom technique--a form of tapping that you can learn on YouTube in a few minutes that has been very effective for me in changing deeply held attitudes I've had about myself).

 

I find online messages to be somewhat cumbersome, so I do agree with the posters who said to try to cultivate these conversations and connections in real life. I wouldn't keep pursuing once you've hit silence. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel good about yourself, and it's never worked for me.

 

Where I would focus my energy if I were you is addressing fundamental beliefs you've held about yourself that may get in the way of your perception of your desirability. Eating foods that make you feel good in terms of your energy levels. Being kind to yourself. Finding ways to romance and take time for yourself to bring that energy back into your space. It sounds like it's been so long for you that you don't feel worthy of these types of things and that this is being broadcast outward. As you start to prioritize your happiness, you may find that men's attitudes change toward you because you've changed your perception of yourself. And, of course, I still don't think it would hurt to make sure you are presentable if it makes you feel better about yourself.

[shoplocal]

Aw! Thanks for the helpful and positive words - so many things for me to think about.

 

To those who asked if men have used the word ugly - no. They've said they find black women (me) unattractive and fat women (also me) unattractive, and they'd never date such a woman. And they def said that to my face.

 

I guess the other thing to mention is that I have worked in male dominated industries/companies quite a bit, and have found that groups of men often discuss the sexual value of women's bodies. Thankfully, my current male-dominated workplace is not like this.

 

Some of you mentioned giving off not confident vibes. I have struggled my whole life with self-esteem and confidence in the realm of attracting others. I have a knack for wanting people to like me, who don't like people like me, including and starting with my nuclear family. I don't know what it's like to be confident in a setting where you can be denied affection. :-/ Perhaps I should work harder to figure things out in this regard?

 

losangelena - thanks so much for the tips and the thoughts!

 

I have tried online dating, for years. I live in Boston. If there are men who like fat women in Boston, they're not online. There is a tiny subset of black women who are able to find partners/husbands in Boston, but I am not part of that subset. I have given up on online dating. Am open to meeting men through interests and personal networking, but no one has been interested.

 

I do also follow plus size fashionistas on IG! IG is the best :-D it was the first and last thing I looked at every day for awhile there.

 

 

Off topic, but ...

 

Basil67 - I have heard of the Curvy Sewing Collective! The woman who started it even lives in Boston. I prefer the Sewcialists - way more welcoming, open minded, and run by a much more people-oriented person. Do you sew?

[CptInsano]

I have tried online dating, for years. I live in Boston. If there are men who like fat women in Boston, they're not online. There is a tiny subset of black women who are able to find partners/husbands in Boston, but I am not part of that subset. I have given up on online dating. Am open to meeting men through interests and personal networking, but no one has been interested.[...]

 

Maybe you are just living in the wrong place? I live in the midwest, and I know plenty of overweight black women who are married. In fact, my next door neighbor falls into that category. (I'm however not sure if that is just a result of them being married, or whether they were overweight before, or whether it's just because a lot of people are overweight around here.)

[Popsicle]

My single white friend is overweight and has TONS of guys interested in her. More than me that's for sure and I'm thin. So don't even buy into this thought that men hate fat women. It's not true. In fact, 90% of those very same men saying that either are with a fat woman or have been in their past. Just ignore it. Online dating sucks for most everyone. It's just the nature of it.

[Popsicle]

Oh and my friend.... she has a SUPER personality! Most people are just meh in personality but she is so warm and bubbly and genuine and somehow it just works. I love her and everyone else does. She draws people in.

[basil67]

 

 

Off topic, but ...

 

Basil67 - I have heard of the Curvy Sewing Collective! The woman who started it even lives in Boston. I prefer the Sewcialists - way more welcoming, open minded, and run by a much more people-oriented person. Do you sew?

 

Oh, I haven't heard of Sewcialists. Clever name! Will go and look it up. I'll look at the IG page you mentioned too.

 

And yes, I sew. Today's project will be the Laundry Day Tee made as a tunic, and needing FBA. Trying to work the FBA so that the girls have enough space but so that I don't end up with many inches of spare fabric around the hem.

[preraph]

Dress well and try to act confident. Plenty of overweight women have men. Personality and being just fun or entertaining is a big plus. It is harder, but it's not impossible. You have to show that you have something to offer, like a fun personality. Lots of people have one once you get to know them, but to meet new people, you have to find a way to make it show.

[alphamale]

Plenty of overweight women have men.

 

true, but are they quality men or just average joe shmoes??

[basil67]

true, but are they quality men or just average joe shmoes??

 

Whoa, nice piece of man hating there Alpha!

 

What's wrong with average? Average guys have a great deal to offer. Pretty much every woman I know is married to a regular bloke and they are all great guys.

[alphamale]

Whoa, nice piece of man hating there Alpha!

 

What's wrong with average? Average guys have a great deal to offer. Pretty much every woman I know is married to a regular bloke and they are all great guys.

 

sorry basil67, my bad, what i meant to say was undesirables. bad choice of words on my part

[WomenWubber]

From my personal experience, I'd say that dating becomes harder the farther from average you are. I'm a pretty plain looking dude with pretty obscure interests and hobbies, so it just makes sense that I gravitate towards women who are out of the norm. Maybe this applies to you as well and I'm not refering to you being fat or ugly, but rather your personality (or what I can grasp from your posts so far). Not saying you have really good or bad personality, just different from what I see as the norm in women.

 

Another thing that caught my attention. There's this concept you have of yourself, that you are ugly. Beauty is subjective and I'm sure there's a number of men and women who would beg to differ with you on that matter. But ultimately all that matters is how you see yourself, and that will not necessarily change overnight even if people spend a whole day telling you you are beautiful. It won't necessarily change if you get a partner either. Imo it's not good that you see yourself as an ugly woman, at least not if you want to have any success at dating.

 

If at your current shape you can't for the life of you see yourself in a different way, you will to take some of the advice you have been given here. Imo you can't go wrong with joining a gym to improve your physical appearance and overall health. Take note of this... I'm not saying you need to focus on losing weight. If you decide to take this route (if you can afford it) try hiring a personal trainer. The extra motivation, planning and knowledge really helps long term.

 

Hope this helps!

[todreaminblue]

be interested in a guy and show him who you are..be willing to get to really know who he is...be warm and light hearted........and somehow they get to see who you really are inside the curves...and not just love you for your curves or want less of you...but more than just the curves...they will know the real you.....deb

[Fair]

Look around you at married women. Quite a bit of them are overweight/obese and they don't exactly look good or put together in any way. So your weight/looks are not the main reason you are single.

 

I was just going to say this... A LOT of married women are obese. Men marry obese women every day. I wonder if something of your own opinion of yourself is being transmuted to these men causing them to turn away. People adopt your own opinion of yourself without you having to say a word.

[ZHguy]

I want to say well done. You’ve adapted to find a way of pursuing men that suits you. I can empathise with you. My landscape is too barren and I’ve barely had any relationships.

 

While it’s true, silence is a no, I don’t think you should stop there. I mean, don’t pursue one man... definitely not, but instead keep an open mind and heart. And focus on losing weight and improving yourself.

[thefooloftheyear]

.........................

Edited March 14, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[BluEyeL]

I didn't read the entire thread, but here is my experience. How fat are you? Maybe you mentioned in some posts I didn't read.

 

When I became single I was weighing 192 lb and I had a pixie/masculine haircut. I was wearing pretty masculine clothes, generally black pants and comfortable clogs. Because I'm also a go getter and I wanted to put my product (me) on the market, I started with the following steps:

 

1. I lost 25 lb and looked much better. I also have an hourglass shaped body, looked great in wrap dresses after losing weight.

 

2. I let my hair grow to shoulder length and found a good stylist

 

3. Invested thousands in clothes and shoes. I had dating "uniforms", form fitting, V-necks etc.

 

4. I wore skirts almost every day.

 

5. Never got out of the house without make up on and a nice outfit. Also did my nails every day.

 

6. I worked out 6 times a week.

 

Now, I read that you are black, I do think that may be a problem. I heard it is harder for black women to find men, but this shouldn't stop you from keeping at it.

 

 

I think it's a mistake to not be on OLD too. It's a tool to meet people,why not be there to try to "sell" yourself?

 

Definitely you should not pursue men "harder". You should make some changes in how you present yourself. And read a bunch of dating books.

Edited March 14, 2018 by BluEyeL

[Ladybug1982]

Wow. You sound so much like me.. When you figure out the answer. Please share it with me lol..