Is this a rejection?

[darkrai100]

Bolded one: yes because having your OWN priorities is what draws a person to be curious about you. You and i both know you will treat her nicely and with respect. you just have to do it in line with two people at the beginning of getting to know each other and as each person takes steps toward giving a little more/opening up a little more that's when it's ok to do the same. If you have a tendency to do too much to soon, be too nice, too fawning, let the other person take the little step first.

 

Bolded second one: yes funny that's exactly what I guessed! It's desperation and trying too hard. Listen you can't want a girlfriend so much that the very things you are doing is what drives them away. You still have to be you and HAVE yourself--that will usually draw people toward you. I'm going to guess that along those lines (pulling back or not texting her again when she hadn't yet responded) is why she got back to you eventually. You have to let the other person have the time and space to catch up to your feelings. And if you are honest with yourself you feelings are primarily driven by the fact that you desperately want a girlfriend -- not about this particular girl (or realistically about her since you haven't met or spent a decent amount of time together). You are NOT less because you haven't had a gf in 4 years. You just have to get that out of your mind because it's hurting your game. That is just a part of how your life has been for some time not who you ARE. You need to change your focus within to be about what you are ABOUT rather than what you are lacking. Right now you are driven (which reads as desperation) by what you DON'T have, what you think you are not. Try to neutralize or make positive your thoughts so you present yourself (trust me, it comes out in every action, every word) as someone with something to offer. That is not just being nice and wanting a gf--that is a given. But as someone who is worthy, searching for another worthy person. make sense? It's ok to be single. You are being choosy--for the girl with the right character, etc that would make it worth it to you to make room for her in your life (not in a cocky way--not really worried about that with you but just in case others are reading). Try that thought process.

 

Hmmm, about her text about the music. I would pick up on the part about her noticing you liked pop music. you can be playful and tease her a bit and say maybe you could get her interested in some of that someday. Idk if the moment has passed. Not sure what else you guys have been talking about but I would pick up on a subject or two and try to expand on it. Stuff you like to do is great or just came back from doing, etc, because it's a obvious way to suggest that you meet up soon to do something similar together.

 

Hmmm so the app is more friends/networking type thing but i definitely think you guys have been flirting. Unless she loves coffee and is way into it, to me, the atmosphere at most coffee places is not the best for a first date; perhaps neither is something ON-campus. You don't even need to call it a date--just ask her if she wants to meet up. Flirt and then when there flirt some more (you don't have to overdo it though). So IMO try to think of another place to go besides coffee and maybe OFF-campus (takes the pressure of others seeing and being inquisitive and also new, less regular atmosphere).

 

About "marketing" yourself more/better. Well first try to take top priority--get a girlfriend--off the table and out of your mind. Get the right girlfriend, when the time is right and person is right is a better goal. One of my favorite thoughts ever is that you should be the best you so that you could attract the best person. What would an ideal you be like? How would that person spend his time and what would he be interested in and moving toward? Figure that out and than DO that, work toward it, constantly wanting to improve yourself while liking who you are. This even goes for days where you want to be lazy or relax--have that be a CHOICE! Be engaged in your own life. So it would be less about what you choose to talk to her about but a lot of this will come out when you are talking to her and other people--in how you spend your time, what things interest you. Like if you were texting her and said what you had just come back from doing or were planning to do today, it should be a reflection (and the truth!) of you. Show, do rather than say. The 'say' is auxiliary because it is just a product of the truth. I think if she is already asking you a lot of questions that is good. Make sure your content is IN LINE with who you are/who you are striving to be. The same goes for asking good questions of her--you can exhibit who you are, character-wise and what life would be like if she chose to date you. Most girls want a guy with something going on. I have even in the past picked guys who had something going on--even if it was not a hobby or something that i previously was interested in--mainly the enthusiasm for what your life is can be attractive. Most girls like it though if you are open so i wouldn't change that. But again--keep it in line. At this stage, deep thoughts might be more what you think of deeper things or sharing more personal stories rather than telling her how much you like her and how much you think of a future with her. (to me, you guys wouldn't be there yet and that can be overwhelming to a lot of people).

 

Last bolded: no defeatist thinking--or you will end up defeated. Put your best forward AS IF you will succeed. That will give you the best shot. There is no room to half-ass things. No guy living his ideal life would do that. Good luck

 

I see, so it's gotta be an equal amount of give/take. This is where I tread uncharted waters, because I guess I don't know how I show interest without being too nice/fawning at first and without asking for a date too soon. No wonder I've failed with my last 4-5 matches lol, because right off the bat, I always offer something in the form of help, aid, teaching a new skill, etc. I guess that was the way I show interest, is putting all my cards on the table way too soon. And letting the other person take that first step sounds like a really good idea for someone like me, but in the back of my mind, I just feel as a guy I should probably be in the driver's seat?

 

The second paragraph should and will be my thought process for eternity lol. I've written everything you pointed out thus far, and this one is absolutely going to be bolded. This is advice I've never gotten in my life - that I feel if I'd known earlier - would've gotten me 10+ more dates over the years. Where have you been all my life haha. The worthy part is where I paused and reflected for a while. Perhaps that's where the problem is, is I don't think I really have much to bring to the table, which is why I grasp at straws to connect with someone by offering so much so soon. I have got to have more confidence and focus on having other things going on in my life.

 

And about the music thing, she seems like a good person, because the way she handled and responded to the performance thing by saving me face and making the situation less embarassing shows that she sees me trying lol. And, no, said moment has not passed since communication has slowed considerably lol. Yeah, I'll tease her a bit and see where in the world she got the impression of my preferred music genre.

 

As for the date/meeting up part, I was thinking tying it in with her bday? (since the door opened by her responding positively) In this regard, do I offer to buy her a drink? Or say we should meet up and grab lunch to celebrate her bday? Do I pay for her lunch?? Btw, that is true, a coffee shop seems like somewhere where it's low-risk, easy-to-bail/if-things-don't-work-out-type place. But most of the other students here seem to all flock to the same coffee shop to meet up, so it sort of takes away the stigma behind it. But I'm open to any type of suggestion because this is the first time I'm hoping to land a first date with someone via a bday lol.

 

"You should be the best you so that you could attract the best person."

 

That right there is everything. I realized that I've only saved the best of myself when I'm 100% sure of the right girl (in which case has almost never occured), instead of being the best me on a daily basis, if that's what you mean. I got to work on my life. Otherwise, I'm finding myself struggling to keep even a conversation going with a potential match without topics coming up that aren't in line with my life. Plus, it's gonna be tough once the conversation deepens, and is not about the why I like you and all that flirtiness disappears, as you alluded to. You're absolutely right, we're not about to be at that stage anytime soon.

[Versacehottie]

I see, so it's gotta be an equal amount of give/take. This is where I tread uncharted waters, because I guess I don't know how I show interest without being too nice/fawning at first and without asking for a date too soon. No wonder I've failed with my last 4-5 matches lol, because right off the bat, I always offer something in the form of help, aid, teaching a new skill, etc. I guess that was the way I show interest, is putting all my cards on the table way too soon. And letting the other person take that first step sounds like a really good idea for someone like me, but in the back of my mind, I just feel as a guy I should probably be in the driver's seat?

 

The second paragraph should and will be my thought process for eternity lol. I've written everything you pointed out thus far, and this one is absolutely going to be bolded. This is advice I've never gotten in my life - that I feel if I'd known earlier - would've gotten me 10+ more dates over the years. Where have you been all my life haha. The worthy part is where I paused and reflected for a while. Perhaps that's where the problem is, is I don't think I really have much to bring to the table, which is why I grasp at straws to connect with someone by offering so much so soon. I have got to have more confidence and focus on having other things going on in my life.

 

And about the music thing, she seems like a good person, because the way she handled and responded to the performance thing by saving me face and making the situation less embarassing shows that she sees me trying lol. And, no, said moment has not passed since communication has slowed considerably lol. Yeah, I'll tease her a bit and see where in the world she got the impression of my preferred music genre.

 

As for the date/meeting up part, I was thinking tying it in with her bday? (since the door opened by her responding positively) In this regard, do I offer to buy her a drink? Or say we should meet up and grab lunch to celebrate her bday? Do I pay for her lunch?? Btw, that is true, a coffee shop seems like somewhere where it's low-risk, easy-to-bail/if-things-don't-work-out-type place. But most of the other students here seem to all flock to the same coffee shop to meet up, so it sort of takes away the stigma behind it. But I'm open to any type of suggestion because this is the first time I'm hoping to land a first date with someone via a bday lol.

 

"You should be the best you so that you could attract the best person."

 

That right there is everything. I realized that I've only saved the best of myself when I'm 100% sure of the right girl (in which case has almost never occured), instead of being the best me on a daily basis, if that's what you mean. I got to work on my life. Otherwise, I'm finding myself struggling to keep even a conversation going with a potential match without topics coming up that aren't in line with my life. Plus, it's gonna be tough once the conversation deepens, and is not about the why I like you and all that flirtiness disappears, as you alluded to. You're absolutely right, we're not about to be at that stage anytime soon.

 

Yeah, more equal give and take and IN LINE with where you are with each other. I don't want you to mix up and overlap the different themes though in your quest to get this right and get a girlfriend. For one there are different themes going on: one is about how you view yourself, one is about how you interact with the other person, and one would be about asking for dates, etc. To me, the majority of the advice I've given you relates to you as you view yourself and your worth. I think that is why you haven't been succeeding. By all means, you could still do everything "right", either from how I'm telling you or refining your game to next level and STILL not get the girl. It's not a complete magic formula--but i 100% believe it will get you closer to what you want in life. Already things I've said have been resonating with you. In some ways, that's because i'm decently intuitive and in other ways, it's just because they are common reoccurring themes that happen with lots of people so they aren't that hard to pick up on. Bolded above--as you explain more, it is more and more like I expected. In a very big way, you seek a gf to validate who you are and you should give that to yourself and it will make you more attractive. And for sure, you should not WAIT to be your best person. Hell, no. Why would you do that?

 

Regarding the dating part (different theme, which i know you want specific answers to). I believe, as lots of girls do, that the guy should be the one asking out. So you wouldn't need to change anything there. You would still be the one asking her/other girls out. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Guys who are interested and confident usually make the first move. I think in your case you might need to have more assurance that the move would be a welcomed one. I also would want to make sure you haven't already dumped yourself in the friend zone which i'm guessing happens to you a lot. You seem to really believe you need to "tie" asking to meet up with an occasion. You don't. I suggested that because it was what was going on at the time & you had kinda f*cked up by inviting yourself to her performance. Again, linked to what you believe you WORTH is you feel a need to tiptoe around asking for a date, needing a reason because you don't inherently believe that just asking is enough. Mutual interest, therefore why wouldn't this person say yes. And if she isn't interested in me like that I'd rather stop stringing myself along. See? That's the thought process behind that. Probably others but that is what is coming to me now.

 

So to me, you could make it about her birthday but you don't have to. You don't need a reason & i think if you want to convey that you are an in-the-moment (i.e. conveys got sh*t going on guy), you would invite her for something relevant today or this week rather than again doing something FOR her, kinda groveling. Not explaining it well. It is a nice gesture though and i don't think she will respond badly to it--maybe make it about two reasons. Ok so I don't know the content of your conversations, so the answer of how best to make a date with her/what to do on the date lies in those conversations, i.e. you will know best. Hopefully the conversations have been about something! To me, you want to go to the coffee shop at campus because it's low-risk, easy to bail, again that is approaching things gingerly and tiptoeing around wanting to date her. It might work best if you know her personality but to me unless she is super sheltered, I would take her somewhere OFF campus. It could still be a somewhat mellow or low key place (still i think not coffee unless she is a huge coffee fan) because of how you met. Fortune favors the bold. In this case, it's not really a dating app so the premise is friends (flirting, perhaps interested friends). If it makes you feel more calm, just think of it as two new friends getting together--but of course, there's a little bit of possible romantic interest and you like to be magnetic no matter what. Does this make sense? I just don't think in a place where you both are going to be seeing other people you know (campus coffee shop) and may have trepidation about that that it will serve you best. To be honest, at college, the guys that took me to more off campus things came off really good, mature in a good way and different for doing that also in a good way. And yes pay IMO. If there is doubt that you are interested, that will show her that you are & it's manly/take charge plus you are inviting her--not the other way around. I live in LA and here there are some very cute ice cream, cupcakes and kind of dessert places that could be both low-key and appropriate if you are using the bday excuse--maybe they have something like that in your city. Truthfully, i think the right atmosphere has a huge impact on a first date especially. So make sure you know what you are walking into! Like your campus coffee place unless it is huge has no private areas where you guys can talk comfortably--and it takes 10 minutes legit to have a coffee drink--you can stretch it out but what if she doesn't do that. Same with Starbucks, bad. I typically think a evening or night time thing is good--you want the date choice to help you. A drink, not only for the alcohol, but for the type of places that have those can help. Maybe she is under 21 and can't drink though? Ok you need to figure this part out. I'll try to help but in some ways don't want you to get too much in your head. You need to learn to trust yourself---which comes back to worth--if you believe you are worth it, you won't have to overly strategize the rest. I do think that savvy guys though already pick places where the atmosphere and type of date will help the date along (like picking restaurants with corner booths, darker lighting, etc). So start building a little list in your mind for future dates too. Ok good luck

[darkrai100]

Yeah, more equal give and take and IN LINE with where you are with each other. I don't want you to mix up and overlap the different themes though in your quest to get this right and get a girlfriend. For one there are different themes going on: one is about how you view yourself, one is about how you interact with the other person, and one would be about asking for dates, etc. To me, the majority of the advice I've given you relates to you as you view yourself and your worth. I think that is why you haven't been succeeding. By all means, you could still do everything "right", either from how I'm telling you or refining your game to next level and STILL not get the girl. It's not a complete magic formula--but i 100% believe it will get you closer to what you want in life. Already things I've said have been resonating with you. In some ways, that's because i'm decently intuitive and in other ways, it's just because they are common reoccurring themes that happen with lots of people so they aren't that hard to pick up on. Bolded above--as you explain more, it is more and more like I expected. In a very big way, you seek a gf to validate who you are and you should give that to yourself and it will make you more attractive. And for sure, you should not WAIT to be your best person. Hell, no. Why would you do that?

 

Regarding the dating part (different theme, which i know you want specific answers to). I believe, as lots of girls do, that the guy should be the one asking out. So you wouldn't need to change anything there. You would still be the one asking her/other girls out. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Guys who are interested and confident usually make the first move. I think in your case you might need to have more assurance that the move would be a welcomed one. I also would want to make sure you haven't already dumped yourself in the friend zone which i'm guessing happens to you a lot. You seem to really believe you need to "tie" asking to meet up with an occasion. You don't. I suggested that because it was what was going on at the time & you had kinda f*cked up by inviting yourself to her performance. Again, linked to what you believe you WORTH is you feel a need to tiptoe around asking for a date, needing a reason because you don't inherently believe that just asking is enough. Mutual interest, therefore why wouldn't this person say yes. And if she isn't interested in me like that I'd rather stop stringing myself along. See? That's the thought process behind that. Probably others but that is what is coming to me now.

 

So to me, you could make it about her birthday but you don't have to. You don't need a reason & i think if you want to convey that you are an in-the-moment (i.e. conveys got sh*t going on guy), you would invite her for something relevant today or this week rather than again doing something FOR her, kinda groveling. Not explaining it well. It is a nice gesture though and i don't think she will respond badly to it--maybe make it about two reasons. Ok so I don't know the content of your conversations, so the answer of how best to make a date with her/what to do on the date lies in those conversations, i.e. you will know best. Hopefully the conversations have been about something! To me, you want to go to the coffee shop at campus because it's low-risk, easy to bail, again that is approaching things gingerly and tiptoeing around wanting to date her. It might work best if you know her personality but to me unless she is super sheltered, I would take her somewhere OFF campus. It could still be a somewhat mellow or low key place (still i think not coffee unless she is a huge coffee fan) because of how you met. Fortune favors the bold. In this case, it's not really a dating app so the premise is friends (flirting, perhaps interested friends). If it makes you feel more calm, just think of it as two new friends getting together--but of course, there's a little bit of possible romantic interest and you like to be magnetic no matter what. Does this make sense? I just don't think in a place where you both are going to be seeing other people you know (campus coffee shop) and may have trepidation about that that it will serve you best. To be honest, at college, the guys that took me to more off campus things came off really good, mature in a good way and different for doing that also in a good way. And yes pay IMO. If there is doubt that you are interested, that will show her that you are & it's manly/take charge plus you are inviting her--not the other way around. I live in LA and here there are some very cute ice cream, cupcakes and kind of dessert places that could be both low-key and appropriate if you are using the bday excuse--maybe they have something like that in your city. Truthfully, i think the right atmosphere has a huge impact on a first date especially. So make sure you know what you are walking into! Like your campus coffee place unless it is huge has no private areas where you guys can talk comfortably--and it takes 10 minutes legit to have a coffee drink--you can stretch it out but what if she doesn't do that. Same with Starbucks, bad. I typically think a evening or night time thing is good--you want the date choice to help you. A drink, not only for the alcohol, but for the type of places that have those can help. Maybe she is under 21 and can't drink though? Ok you need to figure this part out. I'll try to help but in some ways don't want you to get too much in your head. You need to learn to trust yourself---which comes back to worth--if you believe you are worth it, you won't have to overly strategize the rest. I do think that savvy guys though already pick places where the atmosphere and type of date will help the date along (like picking restaurants with corner booths, darker lighting, etc). So start building a little list in your mind for future dates too. Ok good luck

 

So I figured since this thread has become only us talking lol, perhaps maybe I could email you directly about this situation and keep you updated? (If you don't mind communicating via email) I've learned so much from you through the span of a week, and have a few other questions that I feel you could provide advice for me on. Thanks

[joseb]

You are getting way to invested in this. You are not in a relationship with this girl. Until you meet her, there is nothing.

So stop thinking she is almost your girlfriend or something.

 

The point of online dating is to match someone, exchange a couple of messages to make it more likely they are a real person, then meet them to see if there is anything there.

 

You don't need to come up with convoluted excuses or offers in order to meet up. Just ask her out. Weeks of back and forth is too long.

[PRW]

You got some great advice from the other guys.

 

Also, keep in mind that you are most likely not the only guy checking her out. She most likely has options. Even if she doesn't, always assume she does,...it keeps things in perspective. If that possibility bothers you then you need to work on that first before you try to date anyone. It is just the realities of life.

[Versacehottie]

You got some great advice from the other guys.

 

Also, keep in mind that you are most likely not the only guy checking her out. She most likely has options. Even if she doesn't, always assume she does,...it keeps things in perspective. If that possibility bothers you then you need to work on that first before you try to date anyone. It is just the realities of life.

 

totally agree. btw, i'm a girl though. So i guess my advice comes from that perspective. The main thing which is similar for both guys and girls is that people should do their best to balance things out. Act like you have every right to be in the "relationship" at whichever stage and that it should/would/is welcome by the other person. No tiptoeing around like you don't have a right to be there and it's not a mutual choice & that you have to overcompensate to "pay" your way into the relationship.

 

to OP, you can PM me on here but I think you are new enough that it won't let you. But if you post here I'll answer. Plus the discussion might help others & you will get other perspectives than just mine. Like the guys above! Which we think the same thing so far so at least we are all pointing you in the right direction

[darkrai100]

Yeah, more equal give and take and IN LINE with where you are with each other. I don't want you to mix up and overlap the different themes though in your quest to get this right and get a girlfriend. For one there are different themes going on: one is about how you view yourself, one is about how you interact with the other person, and one would be about asking for dates, etc. To me, the majority of the advice I've given you relates to you as you view yourself and your worth. I think that is why you haven't been succeeding. By all means, you could still do everything "right", either from how I'm telling you or refining your game to next level and STILL not get the girl. It's not a complete magic formula--but i 100% believe it will get you closer to what you want in life. Already things I've said have been resonating with you. In some ways, that's because i'm decently intuitive and in other ways, it's just because they are common reoccurring themes that happen with lots of people so they aren't that hard to pick up on. Bolded above--as you explain more, it is more and more like I expected. In a very big way, you seek a gf to validate who you are and you should give that to yourself and it will make you more attractive. And for sure, you should not WAIT to be your best person. Hell, no. Why would you do that?

 

Regarding the dating part (different theme, which i know you want specific answers to). I believe, as lots of girls do, that the guy should be the one asking out. So you wouldn't need to change anything there. You would still be the one asking her/other girls out. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Guys who are interested and confident usually make the first move. I think in your case you might need to have more assurance that the move would be a welcomed one. I also would want to make sure you haven't already dumped yourself in the friend zone which i'm guessing happens to you a lot. You seem to really believe you need to "tie" asking to meet up with an occasion. You don't. I suggested that because it was what was going on at the time & you had kinda f*cked up by inviting yourself to her performance. Again, linked to what you believe you WORTH is you feel a need to tiptoe around asking for a date, needing a reason because you don't inherently believe that just asking is enough. Mutual interest, therefore why wouldn't this person say yes. And if she isn't interested in me like that I'd rather stop stringing myself along. See? That's the thought process behind that. Probably others but that is what is coming to me now.

 

So to me, you could make it about her birthday but you don't have to. You don't need a reason & i think if you want to convey that you are an in-the-moment (i.e. conveys got sh*t going on guy), you would invite her for something relevant today or this week rather than again doing something FOR her, kinda groveling. Not explaining it well. It is a nice gesture though and i don't think she will respond badly to it--maybe make it about two reasons. Ok so I don't know the content of your conversations, so the answer of how best to make a date with her/what to do on the date lies in those conversations, i.e. you will know best. Hopefully the conversations have been about something! To me, you want to go to the coffee shop at campus because it's low-risk, easy to bail, again that is approaching things gingerly and tiptoeing around wanting to date her. It might work best if you know her personality but to me unless she is super sheltered, I would take her somewhere OFF campus. It could still be a somewhat mellow or low key place (still i think not coffee unless she is a huge coffee fan) because of how you met. Fortune favors the bold. In this case, it's not really a dating app so the premise is friends (flirting, perhaps interested friends). If it makes you feel more calm, just think of it as two new friends getting together--but of course, there's a little bit of possible romantic interest and you like to be magnetic no matter what. Does this make sense? I just don't think in a place where you both are going to be seeing other people you know (campus coffee shop) and may have trepidation about that that it will serve you best. To be honest, at college, the guys that took me to more off campus things came off really good, mature in a good way and different for doing that also in a good way. And yes pay IMO. If there is doubt that you are interested, that will show her that you are & it's manly/take charge plus you are inviting her--not the other way around. I live in LA and here there are some very cute ice cream, cupcakes and kind of dessert places that could be both low-key and appropriate if you are using the bday excuse--maybe they have something like that in your city. Truthfully, i think the right atmosphere has a huge impact on a first date especially. So make sure you know what you are walking into! Like your campus coffee place unless it is huge has no private areas where you guys can talk comfortably--and it takes 10 minutes legit to have a coffee drink--you can stretch it out but what if she doesn't do that. Same with Starbucks, bad. I typically think a evening or night time thing is good--you want the date choice to help you. A drink, not only for the alcohol, but for the type of places that have those can help. Maybe she is under 21 and can't drink though? Ok you need to figure this part out. I'll try to help but in some ways don't want you to get too much in your head. You need to learn to trust yourself---which comes back to worth--if you believe you are worth it, you won't have to overly strategize the rest. I do think that savvy guys though already pick places where the atmosphere and type of date will help the date along (like picking restaurants with corner booths, darker lighting, etc). So start building a little list in your mind for future dates too. Ok good luck

 

Yeah, which is why I really value your advice, because it's not just about dating, but rather, things I have to work on in life as well. I have another question though, the part where I seek a gf to validate who I am, how do I exactly give that to myself?? And how will it make me more attractive?

 

So I realized the part where I tie meeting up with an occasion comes about because I want it to be perfect. Like I feel like if I asked a girl out to a random place at a random time, it just feels weird, almost like there's no way the girl will agree to the date in the back of my mind. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I really need to learn to be more assertive, have more confidence in myself, and take charge regardless of how awkward it may feel. You're absolutely spot-on, I always need to have more assurance that the move would be a welcomed one before trying. Heck, I'm starting to realize I need assurance for almost everything I do in life, for that matter.

 

About being in the friendzone, I honestly don't have it happen to me a lot, to be 100% honest. Like I don't have a lot of female friends at all, so it's almost always either a romantic interest, or it's nothing. This goes back to the fact that my innermost desire is to have a girlfriend, and I guess girls sniff that out real quick.

 

And, btw, I'm also from L.A. (more specifically, the San Gabriel Valley). But I go to school in a different city, so most of the places around here are fairly new to me.

[darkrai100]

totally agree. btw, i'm a girl though. So i guess my advice comes from that perspective. The main thing which is similar for both guys and girls is that people should do their best to balance things out. Act like you have every right to be in the "relationship" at whichever stage and that it should/would/is welcome by the other person. No tiptoeing around like you don't have a right to be there and it's not a mutual choice & that you have to overcompensate to "pay" your way into the relationship.

 

to OP, you can PM me on here but I think you are new enough that it won't let you. But if you post here I'll answer. Plus the discussion might help others & you will get other perspectives than just mine. Like the guys above! Which we think the same thing so far so at least we are all pointing you in the right direction

 

Yeah, I think that explains why. I was wondering too, if there's a PM function, but since I couldn't find it, I figured it was not an option. I will definitely do that once it's available to me. So as an update, I basically asked her out to dinner and now we wait for her response. Like I said, she's got a bunch of shows coming up this week and the next (she's basically playing 4 shows in a span of like 6 days) and I'm afraid it's gonna be tough finding a day we can get together. Basically, I took your advice and offered to meet up off-campus, but still in the vicinity, since there are some good options nearby. Plus I figured it takes away the fear and stress of having to meet literally a stranger in the middle of nowhere. HOWEVER, I did not set a day, because of the fact that she's got so many shows coming up, I just asked her to let me know which day works for her, and I'm already feeling anxious that this might not be good, since girls want a definite where and when...

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, which is why I really value your advice, because it's not just about dating, but rather, things I have to work on in life as well. I have another question though, the part where I seek a gf to validate who I am, how do I exactly give that to myself?? And how will it make me more attractive?

 

So I realized the part where I tie meeting up with an occasion comes about because I want it to be perfect. Like I feel like if I asked a girl out to a random place at a random time, it just feels weird, almost like there's no way the girl will agree to the date in the back of my mind. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I really need to learn to be more assertive, have more confidence in myself, and take charge regardless of how awkward it may feel. You're absolutely spot-on, I always need to have more assurance that the move would be a welcomed one before trying. Heck, I'm starting to realize I need assurance for almost everything I do in life, for that matter.

 

About being in the friendzone, I honestly don't have it happen to me a lot, to be 100% honest. Like I don't have a lot of female friends at all, so it's almost always either a romantic interest, or it's nothing. This goes back to the fact that my innermost desire is to have a girlfriend, and I guess girls sniff that out real quick.

 

And, btw, I'm also from L.A. (more specifically, the San Gabriel Valley). But I go to school in a different city, so most of the places around here are fairly new to me.

 

Thank you. I'm sure you will gain knowledge from both guys and girls. Guys have been where you are before & deal with what you deal with on a more regular basis and girls we can offer perspective of what other girls might be thinking. And just people, can give advice regardless of gender from their experience and knowledge they have gained. It sounds like you are smart enough to filter out what you are hearing and take the good without getting tripped up by the bad advice. That's really important when you are opening yourself up on this forum or just out in life about issues that matter a lot to you. In general, i think in your real life be careful of who you open up to--both because you want someone who gives good, supportive and truly helpful advice--not a lot of people can do that--or if they can in one moment or one situation if you open up too much over time, you then occupy a certain "role" within the friendship or relationship that is hard to break out of and it actually keeps you stuck (like if you are running to people in your real life constantly about wanting to bridge this kind of insecure hump with girls and improve yourself), some people will like the position of authority so much that you've allowed them that they will keep you down and attribute your current temporary condition as a permanent one, when maybe you will outgrow it and move past it, but their opinion won't change. In anonymous forums, I think you just need to filter the advice you get in total and cherry pick that which applies to you. No one knows you or your situation and how to best optimize it better than yourself. If you start trusting yourself, you can benefit from the knowledge of others when you do ask advice but RELY on yourself to make the best decisions for yourself.

 

As far as wanting a gf to validate yourself, you need to build your self-worth. I think the easiest and most direct way to do that is set some goals for yourself that apply to other areas of your life--ones where you don't need another person to agree, i.e. relationship type dynamic. Set the goals and work toward them. Working toward them alone usually will up your self-confidence and validation. I think sometimes people look to "possess" others to obtain the perceived traits the other person has or that having achieving dating them believe they will by osmosis look as if they have more significant value. If you are in college, maybe it would be getting an internship that is in line with your career goals or explores them. Planning a fun summer trip. Making some new friends. Being the one of your guy friends who plans or decides where you should go to socialize. Trying a new sport. Etc. You can research goal setting, but usually the top things experts say is to make the goal definable, measurable and break into smaller steps. That's one of the reasons, obtaining a girlfriend is a tough goal, especially a specific girl--it depends on the other person to agree. You will gain self-worth by setting goals that you can achieve with YOUR effort not outsourced to someone else to agree. Make sense? That gives up power where what you are trying to teach yourself is that you have power internal that if you work at something you can achieve it. Now don't be hard on yourself. Research more and you will discover that failure is often inherent in moving toward an end goal. I think though people know when they are not "giving" the best of themselves and it steals their self-worth, like they are not really trying. Once you are trying and coming closer to your goals (that's why smaller break down steps are helpful), you begin to enjoy putting in your own effort and engage in your own life. You CHOOSE what you want to do , how and how to prioritize and spend time. All of this makes you more attractive to other people--mainly because you are more attractive to yourself. It's inside but it spills out. Also someone that is focused on things that are important to him, becomes more attractive to others. There is a reason "loser in his mom's basement" is a repetitive joke about a guy who no girl would want for a bf--because they have nothing else going on. Can't even get motivated about getting out of the basement & rely on someone else (in this case mom) to provide something that they cannot give themselves. If you ever date a needy girl by the same token, it might wear really thin (although i think guys have more patience and tolerance for this and you probably won't shift all the other way to the spectrum of not being a nice guy). And let's not discount the inevitable fact that on SOME level EVERYONE looks for some validation from the person they choose to date. So a guy that is going "somewhere" as evidenced by what he is interested in and spends his time on has more value typically than a guy who is floating around looking for someone else to anchor him. Make sense? Some of the things are things you have limited control over like looks but others you have lots of control over (who you are striving to be, etc). You want to maximize in all areas IMO. Like even guys without the best looks can maximize what they have. But even maximizing who you are means you will pick and choose what you devote your time to because that is finite. If you think of areas of your life, choose who you want to be in each area (career or school, social, fitness/body/looks, hobbies, personality) and then go after what you have chosen in each area.

 

Yeah lots of times people who feel like they don't have much else to offer, try to be "perfect". It's their way of overcompensating. To make the invite into your life more attractive. That alone is a signal to the other person when it's not in line with the give and take smaller steps between you both that you might be a bit hollow and not "worth" what the other person would hope, in other words ironically overcompensating LOWERS your value typically--or you will end up with people that will use you for what they can get and then move on. I can tell you that you already sound smart and charming so give yourself credit and build on that. If you work on these other areas of your life, it almost always builds confidence that you take to the other parts of your life, including your relationships with others, including girls. You will almost for sure end up more assured. It may not be a linear process but stick with it--i promise it will pay off.

 

Girls may put you in the "friend zone" because they aren't interested in dating you and since you have an all or nothing approach, you may be in it but not really realize it. Anyway, maybe part of your social goal should be making some girl friends. That way you are more comfortable around girls. And usually girls have other girl friends and you know that could lead to one that was interested in you. Anyway, I always think its a good idea to expand your social circle. One of your goals could be to have more experiences--such as doing fun things, to do that you need friends. college is so fun---why not have all these new friends and figure out where you fit best FOR YOU. After all, you said the site you met this girl on was connecting people by their interests. I know you developed romantic interests with this girl along the way but why not also try to connect with other girls and guys to make friends.

 

yay nice to hear from another LA person I'm glad you asked the girl out. She does sound busy so give it a bit and don't get down on yourself--even if she doesn't agree right away or at all. The goal that you can control is what YOU DO and you did it!! You want to be more assertive as if your talking to her means something and she enjoys it (which it seemed like she has) and you have just accomplished that goal. This is growth FOR YOU that you can take with you to the next girl and the next one. Glad to hear it!! Good luck

[darkrai100]

Thank you. I'm sure you will gain knowledge from both guys and girls. Guys have been where you are before & deal with what you deal with on a more regular basis and girls we can offer perspective of what other girls might be thinking. And just people, can give advice regardless of gender from their experience and knowledge they have gained. It sounds like you are smart enough to filter out what you are hearing and take the good without getting tripped up by the bad advice. That's really important when you are opening yourself up on this forum or just out in life about issues that matter a lot to you. In general, i think in your real life be careful of who you open up to--both because you want someone who gives good, supportive and truly helpful advice--not a lot of people can do that--or if they can in one moment or one situation if you open up too much over time, you then occupy a certain "role" within the friendship or relationship that is hard to break out of and it actually keeps you stuck (like if you are running to people in your real life constantly about wanting to bridge this kind of insecure hump with girls and improve yourself), some people will like the position of authority so much that you've allowed them that they will keep you down and attribute your current temporary condition as a permanent one, when maybe you will outgrow it and move past it, but their opinion won't change. In anonymous forums, I think you just need to filter the advice you get in total and cherry pick that which applies to you. No one knows you or your situation and how to best optimize it better than yourself. If you start trusting yourself, you can benefit from the knowledge of others when you do ask advice but RELY on yourself to make the best decisions for yourself.

 

As far as wanting a gf to validate yourself, you need to build your self-worth. I think the easiest and most direct way to do that is set some goals for yourself that apply to other areas of your life--ones where you don't need another person to agree, i.e. relationship type dynamic. Set the goals and work toward them. Working toward them alone usually will up your self-confidence and validation. I think sometimes people look to "possess" others to obtain the perceived traits the other person has or that having achieving dating them believe they will by osmosis look as if they have more significant value. If you are in college, maybe it would be getting an internship that is in line with your career goals or explores them. Planning a fun summer trip. Making some new friends. Being the one of your guy friends who plans or decides where you should go to socialize. Trying a new sport. Etc. You can research goal setting, but usually the top things experts say is to make the goal definable, measurable and break into smaller steps. That's one of the reasons, obtaining a girlfriend is a tough goal, especially a specific girl--it depends on the other person to agree. You will gain self-worth by setting goals that you can achieve with YOUR effort not outsourced to someone else to agree. Make sense? That gives up power where what you are trying to teach yourself is that you have power internal that if you work at something you can achieve it. Now don't be hard on yourself. Research more and you will discover that failure is often inherent in moving toward an end goal. I think though people know when they are not "giving" the best of themselves and it steals their self-worth, like they are not really trying. Once you are trying and coming closer to your goals (that's why smaller break down steps are helpful), you begin to enjoy putting in your own effort and engage in your own life. You CHOOSE what you want to do , how and how to prioritize and spend time. All of this makes you more attractive to other people--mainly because you are more attractive to yourself. It's inside but it spills out. Also someone that is focused on things that are important to him, becomes more attractive to others. There is a reason "loser in his mom's basement" is a repetitive joke about a guy who no girl would want for a bf--because they have nothing else going on. Can't even get motivated about getting out of the basement & rely on someone else (in this case mom) to provide something that they cannot give themselves. If you ever date a needy girl by the same token, it might wear really thin (although i think guys have more patience and tolerance for this and you probably won't shift all the other way to the spectrum of not being a nice guy). And let's not discount the inevitable fact that on SOME level EVERYONE looks for some validation from the person they choose to date. So a guy that is going "somewhere" as evidenced by what he is interested in and spends his time on has more value typically than a guy who is floating around looking for someone else to anchor him. Make sense? Some of the things are things you have limited control over like looks but others you have lots of control over (who you are striving to be, etc). You want to maximize in all areas IMO. Like even guys without the best looks can maximize what they have. But even maximizing who you are means you will pick and choose what you devote your time to because that is finite. If you think of areas of your life, choose who you want to be in each area (career or school, social, fitness/body/looks, hobbies, personality) and then go after what you have chosen in each area.

 

Yeah lots of times people who feel like they don't have much else to offer, try to be "perfect". It's their way of overcompensating. To make the invite into your life more attractive. That alone is a signal to the other person when it's not in line with the give and take smaller steps between you both that you might be a bit hollow and not "worth" what the other person would hope, in other words ironically overcompensating LOWERS your value typically--or you will end up with people that will use you for what they can get and then move on. I can tell you that you already sound smart and charming so give yourself credit and build on that. If you work on these other areas of your life, it almost always builds confidence that you take to the other parts of your life, including your relationships with others, including girls. You will almost for sure end up more assured. It may not be a linear process but stick with it--i promise it will pay off.

 

Girls may put you in the "friend zone" because they aren't interested in dating you and since you have an all or nothing approach, you may be in it but not really realize it. Anyway, maybe part of your social goal should be making some girl friends. That way you are more comfortable around girls. And usually girls have other girl friends and you know that could lead to one that was interested in you. Anyway, I always think its a good idea to expand your social circle. One of your goals could be to have more experiences--such as doing fun things, to do that you need friends. college is so fun---why not have all these new friends and figure out where you fit best FOR YOU. After all, you said the site you met this girl on was connecting people by their interests. I know you developed romantic interests with this girl along the way but why not also try to connect with other girls and guys to make friends.

 

yay nice to hear from another LA person I'm glad you asked the girl out. She does sound busy so give it a bit and don't get down on yourself--even if she doesn't agree right away or at all. The goal that you can control is what YOU DO and you did it!! You want to be more assertive as if your talking to her means something and she enjoys it (which it seemed like she has) and you have just accomplished that goal. This is growth FOR YOU that you can take with you to the next girl and the next one. Glad to hear it!! Good luck

 

Yeah, most of the advice I've gotten here have been so helpful and given me plenty of insight, regardless of gender. But I feel especially like you've really helped me out the most, maybe because you've seen or dealt with a similar situation as mine(?) It's something I'm amazed my real-life friends have not been able to even point out to me. Perhaps I'm just simply being honest with myself and my emotions on here, whereas I only APPEAR to be on top of my game in real life. And over the past week or so, all the helpful and valuable advice you've given me has seriously led me to believe that I need to work on my life more as well.

 

Wow, I never thought about it that way, setting goals as to not depend on another person's answer. It's just tough that I just so desperately want a gf so bad haha. But yeah, I do have hobbies that I like, but I just get lazy at times to pursue it. My life is all about setting a million goals, but failing to follow through. Actually, I never follow-thru with anything I start in life. I just enjoy the newness that comes with a new goal or girl I meet, and then I get lazy and never follow through with it. I've since realized that that can be detrimental. And BTW the way you've broken the goals down for me is so useful! I'm gonna start with each area and build accordingly, because that's really all I have control over at this point.

 

 

So now she's taking 2 days on average to respond to my texts, which is why my posts on here have been slowed as well lol. Anyway, so she responded finally, and let's just say you completely guessed it when you said "even if she doesn't agree right away or at all". I am speechless and in awe of your abilities haha.

 

So after I asked her out like I mentioned in my last post, she responded that "she's quite busy this month". Now, I should point out that I do buy that she's 100% honest about being busy, since I believe I mentioned that she has like a bunch of shows coming up, something like 4 shows in a span of like a week and a half. Her text from last week said she's performing on 3/16, 3/20, 3/25 and 3/29. However, there's also a thought in the back of my mind that says, if someone's really interested in you, they'll still make time to see you no matter how busy they might be. I'm kinda conflicted here lol. The whole conversation is as follows:

 

Me: "Did you have a birthday party?"

Me: "So how about we go out to eat some time?"

Her: "No, I just celebrated with some close friends"

Her: "Don't you live far haha?"

Me: "I actually rent a place near campus"

Me: "So, I was thinking we could meet up and grab food together somewhere near school"

Me: "Let me know what day works for you"

Her: "March is kind of busy for me"

Her: "But it's very convenient/easy since you live near school haha"

 

So, is this a rejection? I mean she did SORT OF leave it open... And how do I respond to this? Should I keep pursuing? The fact that she's still responding to my texts is a positive sign, since she can very easily just ignore me if she weren't interested. BTW, I should mention that we're still texting thru the app and not her actual number, in case that matters. The fact that neither of us have taken the step to ask for each other's numbers kinda gives this mysterious aura around our interaction lol. But seriously, we really don't need the number since we can communicate via the app. I don't know I'm just so eager to see what you think about this and your response lol.

[Versacehottie]

Well i've definitely seen a lot of this situation AND i'm way interested in social (and romantic) interactions. They usually follow a pattern. And actually a lot of it relates back to economics and some psychology. Idk what you are studying but economics (especially if you study business) is a good one to take. The basic lesson of supply and demand is not lost on me since i've only seen that exact thing replicated in life. Basically it goes like this: if there is too much supply the value/price of the item is driven down. If there is not enough, the value/price goes up. So also the product content should be good and then you can "charge" fairly (or better) for it. How does this relate to dating? If you are too readily available, too nice, too fawning, you are not valued as you should be because the other person does not recognize your worth. If you are more discerning and in line with your attention and what you give of yourself, people tend to value you more. Also the product, i.e. you, should be good in order for people to want to "invest" their time and attention into you. And if you give this too freely or without your own purpose, people won't value it or appreciate it--or invest in it. Something like that. Hopefully you get the point.

 

Anyway, along with that interest of mine, all my friends tell me their stuff and ask me advice, even people i barely know. When people tell you their secrets, their stories, their hard moments, their exciting moments, especially dating, it also IME i've noticed that patterns emerge, they can have little tweaks but a lot of the time the stories are very similar. I personally have been lucky enough that i haven't had much of the same happen to me where I've done it but I've been on the receiving end of a guy being fawning or trying too hard to win me over, especially too soon, and it doesn't work (on me or most of my girl friends). In the rest of my life (not dating) yeah sometimes I've been too nice and gotten burned or or taken for granted, like i said same patterns

 

The problem with being overly nice, even if you aren't weak, is that other people get confused and think you are overcompensating and don't really understand where it comes from & you will get passed over. A lot of other people are get some/give some so they don't understand the "exchange" if you give what they perceive as too much when they have done little to earn it or to reciprocate (like in this girl, low level interest so she may be taken aback or LESS interested by your interest!!). It doesn't matter what you really ARE (not overly nice etc) but how the other person would perceive it, which is why if you have a tendency to be overly nice you need to be careful. People on the receiving end will tend to believe you will always be right there or keep giving when being brushed off (like your most recent exchange with this girl) and not value you. How do you change that when it is not reciprocated evenly? Pull back, i.e. your offer is on the table but it's up to her now to move it forward, effectively recended offer unless she makes the next move. Again, it doesn't really matter the outcome of what happens specifically with her BUT if you stop trying at this point, you will gain her respect & more importantly give it to yourself.

 

You did fine/great in this convo & in asking her out. Very straightforward and direct and genuine. I wouldn't buy into the "too busy" excuse too much. Sure she's busy but you guys are college students. I used to go out socializing casually and spend 6 nights a week out and saw my friends all the time between study breaks. She is not prioritizing it, not that interested, maybe super shy, resisting it for some reason. Don't take it bad & don't try to excuse her reasons or overthink what they might be or take them personally. Look at the facts. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no. Look at the long view and YOUR growth. Especially in college, sometimes the same girl will be interested in you later on because of how you handle this next bit. Ok, so effectively she is pulling back or telling you that you are a low priority. Guys with game--pulls back as well, why pursue a girl like you have been when she is at the moment rejecting you? But you ARE still in the game, you effectively are putting her on the back burner. Of course you will talk to her and have fun, flirty when you do but now let her make more effort than you have been. Always be nice, cordial and fun, let her see what she is missing not that you are butthurt and can't handle it. Basically you know why a guy with game does that, because he KNOWS someone else will see how great he is or maybe already does and is onto the next. He also knows she might come around because he is a catch. At same time, he doesn't waste his effort by endlessly giving more. You don't say these things; you show them by how you react. So stay nice & fun but less contact. Let her make the next move. What I think you should say in response to her last vague--half in, half out statement is "sure, let me know when you have some time & we can try to figure out around our schedules. No pressure". See you respond, assuming that is a leaning toward a YES from her (because why wouldn't she/confident; you hear the Yes because you are used to hearing yes & positive). You say no pressure in response to those lame excuses she was giving that makes her rethink herself--and shows also that you are going to keep moving forward. Trust me, even a shy girl was probably thinking he probably likes me, she knows if you have value that you are going to back off and stop asking and move on with your life because that was a soft no--that's exactly why she threw in the last part about it's easy since it's near campus when previously the other responses were saying no. I don't think it's that big of a deal that you are still talking on the app but if you keep talking a lot, initiated mostly by her, you can try to exchange cell numbers or social media (you might want to be careful with that though--because if you like her you don't want her to analyze your social media and vice versa).

 

About the hobbies and goals, see what you get really excited about is a person, a potential gf? Most people I think are like this. That said, one of the most attractive things girls like in other guys is a guy who is kinda steadfast and not a pushover. When a guy gets lazy and not focused about stuff he supposedly loves (his friends, his hobbies, his pursuits) we know we have too much power over them and they become less attractive (in my view at least). It the type of challenge a girl likes: how do i get this busy, driven, social or entertaining guy to give his time and attention to me? The fact that he is doing something with his life and time AND wants to give some of it to me, makes him more of a catch. Trust me this even applies in college when you don't have a career yet--sports, friends, hobbies, music, art whatever. Girls want to earn your attention too--if you give it too freely and they see you easily throwing away time on other things you like, they take you for granted. Supply and demand. It is a bit of a power struggle to be honest and you want to be balanced--where both see the value in the other. That's why when people end up in the right relationship they often say it was so easy--they both see the value in the other person, see the trade as fair and exciting and balanced. Also if you are dropping other things in life when you are dating a girl, especially as a guy, you might be seen as clingy and needy and that usually is the kiss of death IMO. Well likely a person is because the top priority and life revolving around this other person--not good.

 

Try to not have an all or nothing thought process--as in this case with your belief that people will make time if they are interested. While true, you are looking at it with that statement as in right now on your timeframe, which is another layer that doesn't take into account her timeframe (she might take longer to get warmed up!) or just that you are making progress--you invested, you did you best, you aren't bitter but not going to puppy dog around--you plant the seed and keep moving Especially in college, my friends and i and my guy friends had TONS of these. Plant a seed and live in the moment. Like you said, you are getting excited about new people and new experiences. You do your best with what seems like a promising girl and that's all you can do--and it certainly doesn't mean it's over, it just means the ball is in her court. I've seen a million times when the other person rises above (like i'm advising and keeps composure & confidence) that the tide turns in your favor. Anyway it's the best way to act all the time! You have nothing to be unconfident about!

 

Ok well hope this helps. Stay confident, answer her last message and then let her do the next effort. I'm 99% sure she will be in touch. It may take her a little bit to realize that she will need to make next step, i.e. when she realizes that you aren't going to do it

[darkrai100]

Well i've definitely seen a lot of this situation AND i'm way interested in social (and romantic) interactions. They usually follow a pattern. And actually a lot of it relates back to economics and some psychology. Idk what you are studying but economics (especially if you study business) is a good one to take. The basic lesson of supply and demand is not lost on me since i've only seen that exact thing replicated in life. Basically it goes like this: if there is too much supply the value/price of the item is driven down. If there is not enough, the value/price goes up. So also the product content should be good and then you can "charge" fairly (or better) for it. How does this relate to dating? If you are too readily available, too nice, too fawning, you are not valued as you should be because the other person does not recognize your worth. If you are more discerning and in line with your attention and what you give of yourself, people tend to value you more. Also the product, i.e. you, should be good in order for people to want to "invest" their time and attention into you. And if you give this too freely or without your own purpose, people won't value it or appreciate it--or invest in it. Something like that. Hopefully you get the point.

 

Anyway, along with that interest of mine, all my friends tell me their stuff and ask me advice, even people i barely know. When people tell you their secrets, their stories, their hard moments, their exciting moments, especially dating, it also IME i've noticed that patterns emerge, they can have little tweaks but a lot of the time the stories are very similar. I personally have been lucky enough that i haven't had much of the same happen to me where I've done it but I've been on the receiving end of a guy being fawning or trying too hard to win me over, especially too soon, and it doesn't work (on me or most of my girl friends). In the rest of my life (not dating) yeah sometimes I've been too nice and gotten burned or or taken for granted, like i said same patterns

 

The problem with being overly nice, even if you aren't weak, is that other people get confused and think you are overcompensating and don't really understand where it comes from & you will get passed over. A lot of other people are get some/give some so they don't understand the "exchange" if you give what they perceive as too much when they have done little to earn it or to reciprocate (like in this girl, low level interest so she may be taken aback or LESS interested by your interest!!). It doesn't matter what you really ARE (not overly nice etc) but how the other person would perceive it, which is why if you have a tendency to be overly nice you need to be careful. People on the receiving end will tend to believe you will always be right there or keep giving when being brushed off (like your most recent exchange with this girl) and not value you. How do you change that when it is not reciprocated evenly? Pull back, i.e. your offer is on the table but it's up to her now to move it forward, effectively recended offer unless she makes the next move. Again, it doesn't really matter the outcome of what happens specifically with her BUT if you stop trying at this point, you will gain her respect & more importantly give it to yourself.

 

You did fine/great in this convo & in asking her out. Very straightforward and direct and genuine. I wouldn't buy into the "too busy" excuse too much. Sure she's busy but you guys are college students. I used to go out socializing casually and spend 6 nights a week out and saw my friends all the time between study breaks. She is not prioritizing it, not that interested, maybe super shy, resisting it for some reason. Don't take it bad & don't try to excuse her reasons or overthink what they might be or take them personally. Look at the facts. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no. Look at the long view and YOUR growth. Especially in college, sometimes the same girl will be interested in you later on because of how you handle this next bit. Ok, so effectively she is pulling back or telling you that you are a low priority. Guys with game--pulls back as well, why pursue a girl like you have been when she is at the moment rejecting you? But you ARE still in the game, you effectively are putting her on the back burner. Of course you will talk to her and have fun, flirty when you do but now let her make more effort than you have been. Always be nice, cordial and fun, let her see what she is missing not that you are butthurt and can't handle it. Basically you know why a guy with game does that, because he KNOWS someone else will see how great he is or maybe already does and is onto the next. He also knows she might come around because he is a catch. At same time, he doesn't waste his effort by endlessly giving more. You don't say these things; you show them by how you react. So stay nice & fun but less contact. Let her make the next move. What I think you should say in response to her last vague--half in, half out statement is "sure, let me know when you have some time & we can try to figure out around our schedules. No pressure". See you respond, assuming that is a leaning toward a YES from her (because why wouldn't she/confident; you hear the Yes because you are used to hearing yes & positive). You say no pressure in response to those lame excuses she was giving that makes her rethink herself--and shows also that you are going to keep moving forward. Trust me, even a shy girl was probably thinking he probably likes me, she knows if you have value that you are going to back off and stop asking and move on with your life because that was a soft no--that's exactly why she threw in the last part about it's easy since it's near campus when previously the other responses were saying no. I don't think it's that big of a deal that you are still talking on the app but if you keep talking a lot, initiated mostly by her, you can try to exchange cell numbers or social media (you might want to be careful with that though--because if you like her you don't want her to analyze your social media and vice versa).

 

About the hobbies and goals, see what you get really excited about is a person, a potential gf? Most people I think are like this. That said, one of the most attractive things girls like in other guys is a guy who is kinda steadfast and not a pushover. When a guy gets lazy and not focused about stuff he supposedly loves (his friends, his hobbies, his pursuits) we know we have too much power over them and they become less attractive (in my view at least). It the type of challenge a girl likes: how do i get this busy, driven, social or entertaining guy to give his time and attention to me? The fact that he is doing something with his life and time AND wants to give some of it to me, makes him more of a catch. Trust me this even applies in college when you don't have a career yet--sports, friends, hobbies, music, art whatever. Girls want to earn your attention too--if you give it too freely and they see you easily throwing away time on other things you like, they take you for granted. Supply and demand. It is a bit of a power struggle to be honest and you want to be balanced--where both see the value in the other. That's why when people end up in the right relationship they often say it was so easy--they both see the value in the other person, see the trade as fair and exciting and balanced. Also if you are dropping other things in life when you are dating a girl, especially as a guy, you might be seen as clingy and needy and that usually is the kiss of death IMO. Well likely a person is because the top priority and life revolving around this other person--not good.

 

Try to not have an all or nothing thought process--as in this case with your belief that people will make time if they are interested. While true, you are looking at it with that statement as in right now on your timeframe, which is another layer that doesn't take into account her timeframe (she might take longer to get warmed up!) or just that you are making progress--you invested, you did you best, you aren't bitter but not going to puppy dog around--you plant the seed and keep moving Especially in college, my friends and i and my guy friends had TONS of these. Plant a seed and live in the moment. Like you said, you are getting excited about new people and new experiences. You do your best with what seems like a promising girl and that's all you can do--and it certainly doesn't mean it's over, it just means the ball is in her court. I've seen a million times when the other person rises above (like i'm advising and keeps composure & confidence) that the tide turns in your favor. Anyway it's the best way to act all the time! You have nothing to be unconfident about!

 

Ok well hope this helps. Stay confident, answer her last message and then let her do the next effort. I'm 99% sure she will be in touch. It may take her a little bit to realize that she will need to make next step, i.e. when she realizes that you aren't going to do it

 

I actually am a foreign language major, though I previously worked at a psychological clinic for 2 and a half years as an intern, so I too am very interested in the psychology aspect of social/romantic interactions. At the time, my co-workers even got me into NLP (not sure if you've heard of that) and how to pull girls, but I felt that really wasn't genuine, and merely just playing the numbers game to some extent. I've found that I am able to help others, but when it comes to my own interactions, it's like I'm utterly powerless lol. And wow! I was mindblown about the supply & demand part you explained. It's like they're truly hand-in-hand....I totally get the point:), it's just kinda sad that the genuine side of interactions is sort of lost in all of this. Like whatever happened to people just seeing you for the sincerity of your actions ? And I totally agree, you can learn a lot from a person just off of their stories and all the good/bad in their lives.

 

And about the give/take part, that is very true. I never thought about how it comes across when I'm giving too much when they've done little to earn it. Didn't realize it may come on too strong/how the other person may feel. Problem with give/take some, is that since I don't have much game lol, I've never really had much experiences with girls willing to give, so I always end up diving headfirst and giving like there's no tomorrow lol. So for give-and-take being in line, what happens when there's no "give" from the other person, but they'll still respond to your texts? What becomes of the interaction then? Is it just small talk with no give and take at all, like just getting to know each other through questions, simple dialogue, and eventually asking them out? I think because I'm so anxious to show others my sincerity by giving/offering things right off the bat, that I don't even know how it's gonna be if I don't. Like I feel like the conversation will just die down eventually. And yeah, I just realized I use this to overcompensate for the lack of other things I've got going on for me. Dialog goes on, finds out I'm boring and not particularly great at small talk and it's see ya later lol.

 

That sounds like a great plan moving forward. Pull back, let her make the next move. (Like you said, it'll gain her respect, but whether or not that equates to a successful outcome is probably not important, I'm guessing?) Based on my track record and my experiences, I've never had a girl make the next move after I pull back though haha. Maybe it's just the particular girls I've dealt with, but none of them have made that next move unless I initiate again. In this case, your advice for my next response to her, about letting me know when she has some time and we can try to figure out around our schedules part, is really really smooth, and taking the high road after this yes/no response from her, but like I can't really imagine her coming around later, say next month (when she's not so busy) and take me up on that offer. Perhaps it could it be that I'm approaching it the wrong way? Like after I pull back, maybe I'm too cold/distant and not being nice and fun enough. This is another grey area that I'm not too familiar with lol, and as you may have already figured out, I'm someone who is very extreme, all black/white areas with no grey at all.

 

And I agree about adding her number/social media, I've actually wanted to for a while now and my curiosity has even led me to look her up already, but I didn't know how to ask since we can communicate thru the app itself. Just a little worried that'll make me seem desperate especially at this juncture, like I mean, after that yes/no from her, how do I suggest adding her social media or her number?

[Versacehottie]

I actually am a foreign language major, though I previously worked at a psychological clinic for 2 and a half years as an intern, so I too am very interested in the psychology aspect of social/romantic interactions. At the time, my co-workers even got me into NLP (not sure if you've heard of that) and how to pull girls, but I felt that really wasn't genuine, and merely just playing the numbers game to some extent. I've found that I am able to help others, but when it comes to my own interactions, it's like I'm utterly powerless lol. And wow! I was mindblown about the supply & demand part you explained. It's like they're truly hand-in-hand....I totally get the point:), it's just kinda sad that the genuine side of interactions is sort of lost in all of this. Like whatever happened to people just seeing you for the sincerity of your actions ? And I totally agree, you can learn a lot from a person just off of their stories and all the good/bad in their lives.

 

And about the give/take part, that is very true. I never thought about how it comes across when I'm giving too much when they've done little to earn it. Didn't realize it may come on too strong/how the other person may feel. Problem with give/take some, is that since I don't have much game lol, I've never really had much experiences with girls willing to give, so I always end up diving headfirst and giving like there's no tomorrow lol. So for give-and-take being in line, what happens when there's no "give" from the other person, but they'll still respond to your texts? What becomes of the interaction then? Is it just small talk with no give and take at all, like just getting to know each other through questions, simple dialogue, and eventually asking them out? I think because I'm so anxious to show others my sincerity by giving/offering things right off the bat, that I don't even know how it's gonna be if I don't. Like I feel like the conversation will just die down eventually. And yeah, I just realized I use this to overcompensate for the lack of other things I've got going on for me. Dialog goes on, finds out I'm boring and not particularly great at small talk and it's see ya later lol.

 

That sounds like a great plan moving forward. Pull back, let her make the next move. (Like you said, it'll gain her respect, but whether or not that equates to a successful outcome is probably not important, I'm guessing?) Based on my track record and my experiences, I've never had a girl make the next move after I pull back though haha. Maybe it's just the particular girls I've dealt with, but none of them have made that next move unless I initiate again. In this case, your advice for my next response to her, about letting me know when she has some time and we can try to figure out around our schedules part, is really really smooth, and taking the high road after this yes/no response from her, but like I can't really imagine her coming around later, say next month (when she's not so busy) and take me up on that offer. Perhaps it could it be that I'm approaching it the wrong way? Like after I pull back, maybe I'm too cold/distant and not being nice and fun enough. This is another grey area that I'm not too familiar with lol, and as you may have already figured out, I'm someone who is very extreme, all black/white areas with no grey at all.

 

And I agree about adding her number/social media, I've actually wanted to for a while now and my curiosity has even led me to look her up already, but I didn't know how to ask since we can communicate thru the app itself. Just a little worried that'll make me seem desperate especially at this juncture, like I mean, after that yes/no from her, how do I suggest adding her social media or her number?

 

There are some psychology things that play a good role in successful relationships. They seem common sense but then people don't regularly do them. I think things that have to do with self-worth, self-confidence and good communication will steer you in the right direction with romantic situations so keep those in mind. Like with communication, it helps to SAY what you want try to keep to facts or what you would like or things from your perspective and then ask the other person to contribute or explain their position. In your current situation, you very directly asked her out. It was clear, etc. Her answer was vague, not clear and said neither yes or no. So without reading so much into it that would cause you to overthink, take it personally or ding your self-esteem (especially since something like this has the potential to), just accept it as it is. She means "not now" or she is not sure.

 

As far as the economics comparison, it really is true and bolded i actually on some level i think it can be disappointing that people don't just enjoy genuine nice gestures BUT in reality everything is a trade (economics). Genuine nice gestures are giving something to get something if you really look at your own behavior everyone does this. Your nice gestures are in hopes to win favor with her, advance your cause with her, hopefully get a date with her. Everyone has personal motivation for what they choose to do and not do, which boil down to trade, giving something to get something. Even if that something, is that doing something nice is for you to identify as yourself and you don't get much else out of it from the other person. Reinforcing your identify, etc. It's not really the result that determines that there was an attempt to trade but the fact that a person was motivated. What drives the motivation, etc? Anyway, it's all interlinked. Once you accept that this is the way the world is (not to be cynical because i don't mean it like that), you will be able to navigate your way in it better. It's not like everyone is doing bad self-serving things and at the same time everyone is doing self-serving things.

 

In your example from your current life and not really getting something from the texts but yet the girls continue to text but won't go out with you, typical things they are getting is attention and friendship, ego boost and the chance to explore what is possible with you--that would be the motivation to have kept doing so far. When you up it to the next level by asking out, they have to consider the next threshold and the pressure is upped a bit. Because for yourself you got the same things back in the texts up to this point: attention, friendship, ego boost & chance to explore. I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong by asking her out. You got your answer (thus far) and that's what you wanted. You planted a seed and that's what you wanted. You got some personal growth and you wanted that too. So not a failure by any means in my book. In a way, knowing where you stand without being overly dramatic/out of line is exactly what each person is entitled to. Far better than stringing yourself along or hoping and waiting timidly in the sidelines. Life is fluid and events affect each other. It's also not linear a lot of the time. So you may not reap the benefit of taking this step immediately or get anywhere with her specifically but it might help you with other girls in the future. Also if you have decided it's just small talk, sitting on the sidelines, giving her ego boosts with no foreseeable progress then if you have self-worth and self-confidence, you will not be motivated to keep doing it; you will turn your attention elsewhere. Basically the self-worth gives you the ability to say to yourself that you did your best in this situation and it's not going where you thought your investment of your effort would take you, therefore it's much less motivating to do or you will stop so you can find a gf in someone who is willing and sees the value in you. I don't think you are at the stop talking to her point yet. Because as long as she is respectful and nice to you, she is a friend. But you wouldn't continue to invest a ton of effort when you are not getting what you want. You would take that effort and time and invest it elsewhere. That's why you let her make more effort now--she needs to meet you halfway or more since she didn't say yes. It's letting these things balance out and not being afraid to walk away or let it die down that allow others to see your worth and you to appreciate your own. It doesn't mean that she will all of sudden decide she wants to be your girlfriend but she will respect you more than a guy who try endless with being strung along, not made a priority yet expected to keep doing nice things for her. So yeah not important or guaranteed that it will change the outcome of what happens with you and her BUT it is the way to a better chance of a good outcome vs continuing as you have been. Plus if you have a dead end with her, you move onto the next girl which gets you closer to the outcome YOU want.

 

With your track record, that could be bc of the patterns you have already established or impression made with previous girls. Basically, not sure exactly what is going on with that part of your game--but all it really means is they were not that interested in you and weren't willing to meet you halfway. I tend to think this goes back to too nice, overcompensating, no spark. Or that you are investing in the wrong girls--ones that only see you as a friend--and hoping against hope that it will work out. You don't be cold or distant but don't continue to invest with her at the level you have been--that's what people who aren't getting what they want do. You take the high road, be happy and pleasant because that's you & you never know what might happen in the future and she is a friend. She is friend status for you!! Invest like that's what it is. Well until she takes you up on your offer. Don't wait. Keep moving forward with your life. that' is part of game. Try not to see things as all black or white or linear. Yeah DON'T ask for her social media or phone number now--it's too desperate when she is stalling things. Things can change in the course of an hour so you never know but when she stalls don't puppy dog after her--which is what that would be asking for her number or social media. Keep talking only through the app. You can't be afraid to "lose" this if in fact it is nothing, nothing much. Make sense?

[darkrai100]

There are some psychology things that play a good role in successful relationships. They seem common sense but then people don't regularly do them. I think things that have to do with self-worth, self-confidence and good communication will steer you in the right direction with romantic situations so keep those in mind. Like with communication, it helps to SAY what you want try to keep to facts or what you would like or things from your perspective and then ask the other person to contribute or explain their position. In your current situation, you very directly asked her out. It was clear, etc. Her answer was vague, not clear and said neither yes or no. So without reading so much into it that would cause you to overthink, take it personally or ding your self-esteem (especially since something like this has the potential to), just accept it as it is. She means "not now" or she is not sure.

 

As far as the economics comparison, it really is true and bolded i actually on some level i think it can be disappointing that people don't just enjoy genuine nice gestures BUT in reality everything is a trade (economics). Genuine nice gestures are giving something to get something if you really look at your own behavior everyone does this. Your nice gestures are in hopes to win favor with her, advance your cause with her, hopefully get a date with her. Everyone has personal motivation for what they choose to do and not do, which boil down to trade, giving something to get something. Even if that something, is that doing something nice is for you to identify as yourself and you don't get much else out of it from the other person. Reinforcing your identify, etc. It's not really the result that determines that there was an attempt to trade but the fact that a person was motivated. What drives the motivation, etc? Anyway, it's all interlinked. Once you accept that this is the way the world is (not to be cynical because i don't mean it like that), you will be able to navigate your way in it better. It's not like everyone is doing bad self-serving things and at the same time everyone is doing self-serving things.

 

In your example from your current life and not really getting something from the texts but yet the girls continue to text but won't go out with you, typical things they are getting is attention and friendship, ego boost and the chance to explore what is possible with you--that would be the motivation to have kept doing so far. When you up it to the next level by asking out, they have to consider the next threshold and the pressure is upped a bit. Because for yourself you got the same things back in the texts up to this point: attention, friendship, ego boost & chance to explore. I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong by asking her out. You got your answer (thus far) and that's what you wanted. You planted a seed and that's what you wanted. You got some personal growth and you wanted that too. So not a failure by any means in my book. In a way, knowing where you stand without being overly dramatic/out of line is exactly what each person is entitled to. Far better than stringing yourself along or hoping and waiting timidly in the sidelines. Life is fluid and events affect each other. It's also not linear a lot of the time. So you may not reap the benefit of taking this step immediately or get anywhere with her specifically but it might help you with other girls in the future. Also if you have decided it's just small talk, sitting on the sidelines, giving her ego boosts with no foreseeable progress then if you have self-worth and self-confidence, you will not be motivated to keep doing it; you will turn your attention elsewhere. Basically the self-worth gives you the ability to say to yourself that you did your best in this situation and it's not going where you thought your investment of your effort would take you, therefore it's much less motivating to do or you will stop so you can find a gf in someone who is willing and sees the value in you. I don't think you are at the stop talking to her point yet. Because as long as she is respectful and nice to you, she is a friend. But you wouldn't continue to invest a ton of effort when you are not getting what you want. You would take that effort and time and invest it elsewhere. That's why you let her make more effort now--she needs to meet you halfway or more since she didn't say yes. It's letting these things balance out and not being afraid to walk away or let it die down that allow others to see your worth and you to appreciate your own. It doesn't mean that she will all of sudden decide she wants to be your girlfriend but she will respect you more than a guy who try endless with being strung along, not made a priority yet expected to keep doing nice things for her. So yeah not important or guaranteed that it will change the outcome of what happens with you and her BUT it is the way to a better chance of a good outcome vs continuing as you have been. Plus if you have a dead end with her, you move onto the next girl which gets you closer to the outcome YOU want.

 

With your track record, that could be bc of the patterns you have already established or impression made with previous girls. Basically, not sure exactly what is going on with that part of your game--but all it really means is they were not that interested in you and weren't willing to meet you halfway. I tend to think this goes back to too nice, overcompensating, no spark. Or that you are investing in the wrong girls--ones that only see you as a friend--and hoping against hope that it will work out. You don't be cold or distant but don't continue to invest with her at the level you have been--that's what people who aren't getting what they want do. You take the high road, be happy and pleasant because that's you & you never know what might happen in the future and she is a friend. She is friend status for you!! Invest like that's what it is. Well until she takes you up on your offer. Don't wait. Keep moving forward with your life. that' is part of game. Try not to see things as all black or white or linear. Yeah DON'T ask for her social media or phone number now--it's too desperate when she is stalling things. Things can change in the course of an hour so you never know but when she stalls don't puppy dog after her--which is what that would be asking for her number or social media. Keep talking only through the app. You can't be afraid to "lose" this if in fact it is nothing, nothing much. Make sense?

 

Ah, very true about the nice gestures*part. I guess most people - if not, all - have ulterior motives to some degree without even noticing. That's life, and like you said, it's just a trade.

 

And as an update to this situation:

 

So it's been about a week, there's been no response from her, and it's safe to say it's all but over. Gonna put this one behind me and move on! I guess she wasn't ready to go out or whatever, and in the end, it probably came across as me giving an ultimatum to her. Basically put an offer on the table, and if she wasn't gonna take it, she probably didn't want to continue the interaction. I also get the feeling she started losing interest a lot earlier though, particularly when the conversation started dying down considerably. Speaking of, do you have any advice on what to do when a convo dies down with someone? Cause this isn't the first time it's happened, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Obviously, it could mean a variety of things, like the other person losing interest, or that they're generally busy. But yeah what would be the best way to go about this?

 

Another question I wanted to ask you is the part where you told me that she's friend status for me and to invest like that's what it is. So how for a girl that's friend status, how do I invest in it? Like treat her as I would a male friend, etc.?

 

For the most part, I'm actually very happy with this interaction, not with the way it ended lol, but rather the things I learned from this, mostly thanks to your words of wisdom! The past week, I did some self-reflection and just realized that the thing that you've preached to me all along, which is to be more focused about the stuff I love in life and not just hover around a girl and be overly nice/catering to her so early at every minute (at least not when we're strangers still). So in this regard, I'm working on my life and just becoming a better me, while taking everything I learned from this experience onto the next. Which hopefully may come in handy real soon, because a girl that I had classes with last semester (who I recognize, but didn't know her then) introduced herself to me the other day when we passed by each other, and exchanged numbers in the process. Expressed a lot of interest in where I'm from which is L.A., what schools I've attended, where I work, etc. but we'll see where this goes. I guess it's true that when one door closes, another opens. Gonna take everything I learned from this and move forward since it's the only option. I think the more experiences I get, and the more I put myself out there, the more I'm able to move on from failures like this and be able to rebound much faster. And the fact that I had you guiding me and giving me advice along the way really helped BIG time!

[Versacehottie]

Ah, very true about the nice gestures*part. I guess most people - if not, all - have ulterior motives to some degree without even noticing. That's life, and like you said, it's just a trade.

 

And as an update to this situation:

 

So it's been about a week, there's been no response from her, and it's safe to say it's all but over. Gonna put this one behind me and move on! I guess she wasn't ready to go out or whatever, and in the end, it probably came across as me giving an ultimatum to her. Basically put an offer on the table, and if she wasn't gonna take it, she probably didn't want to continue the interaction. I also get the feeling she started losing interest a lot earlier though, particularly when the conversation started dying down considerably. Speaking of, do you have any advice on what to do when a convo dies down with someone? Cause this isn't the first time it's happened, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Obviously, it could mean a variety of things, like the other person losing interest, or that they're generally busy. But yeah what would be the best way to go about this?

 

Another question I wanted to ask you is the part where you told me that she's friend status for me and to invest like that's what it is. So how for a girl that's friend status, how do I invest in it? Like treat her as I would a male friend, etc.?

 

For the most part, I'm actually very happy with this interaction, not with the way it ended lol, but rather the things I learned from this, mostly thanks to your words of wisdom! The past week, I did some self-reflection and just realized that the thing that you've preached to me all along, which is to be more focused about the stuff I love in life and not just hover around a girl and be overly nice/catering to her so early at every minute (at least not when we're strangers still). So in this regard, I'm working on my life and just becoming a better me, while taking everything I learned from this experience onto the next. Which hopefully may come in handy real soon, because a girl that I had classes with last semester (who I recognize, but didn't know her then) introduced herself to me the other day when we passed by each other, and exchanged numbers in the process. Expressed a lot of interest in where I'm from which is L.A., what schools I've attended, where I work, etc. but we'll see where this goes. I guess it's true that when one door closes, another opens. Gonna take everything I learned from this and move forward since it's the only option. I think the more experiences I get, and the more I put myself out there, the more I'm able to move on from failures like this and be able to rebound much faster. And the fact that I had you guiding me and giving me advice along the way really helped BIG time!

 

Hi! I like that attitude you are taking. It's good to see the positives from this. It will only help you. Look, i don't really see it as an ultimatum per se. I think it escalated as both were probably on some level expecting it to. So don't feel bad. She might have been content to keep stringing you along for the rest of the school year or even longer. I think it's much more alpha (sorry I hate that word but for lack of another one) and attractive that you just went after what you want. In time you will see that translate to better interactions with other girls, if not with her specifically. To be honest, i "think" it will be your best chance with her specifically also. You didn't come on too strong or pushy--you just stated what you were interested in. I can't think of a time in my life where that in and of itself made me not like a guy; in fact, it made it a little more umph in a good way, even though i may not have been interested romantically and declined the invite. The guys that also for a lack of a better word strung themselves along with me and pussyfooted around, meh that action in and of itself had me lose any attraction to them that i might have had. You want to act like you have every right to be "in the game". That's why the pussyfooting around and acting gingerly so as not to offend and you think stay in the game, creates the opposite effect.

 

The offer was on the table and maybe you BOTH don't want to continue the interaction, right? She doesn't want to feel uncomfortable if she can't give you what you want and doesn't want to lead you on. And why would you continue to orbit when you are not getting what you want? You're just at an impasse. It's not the end of the world. It's just meeting expectations now that they are on the table. See what the future holds. I think you might be surprised, as in i'm pretty sure you will hear from her again. Don't get too excited though--not sure if she will continue to try to string you along or half-pretend that she hasn't followed through and take things back to a comfortable level for her, where she is getting exactly what she wants and you aren't (i.e. attention and validation). This is not me saying that it's ok for guys to be pushy or only have romantic expectations and be demanding about them (none of which I think you are). It's just a recognition on your part that she cannot or is not moving forward on dating and being as that is what you would like with her, you kind of don't lie to yourself and let it go on--preventing you from other focus and opportunities--and dinging your self-esteem in the process. So don't be mean if you hear from her. Friendly, even flirty but a little distant because you need to get your expectations and interactions in line with what she IS offering. At this point, friendship.

 

Hmmm, about when a convo dies down. I think I would need a specific scenario to give my best answer. But generally I would say that you try not to let it get to that point where you are resurrecting something. That's why you don't allow the gingerly contacting, treating her with kid gloves so as not to scare away. I mean on some level she's an adult and people who like each other and are OPEN to something with you will typically PROGRESS with you. I would say that if it has died down it is because you are ok with being an orbiter and that vibe so don't do that OR the convos are boring. So you want to make sure at all costs that you are not boring!!! Sometimes people are not the best over messaging or texts (or they are with some people but not all people) so then you want to get the person out as soon as you can so you can develop an in person relationship. Use your enthusiasm and confidence and spontaneity to get her out. I think people are looking for that in this world. Basically the concept of being swept up. I have gone out with guys because they showed that and I didn't know much else about them other than I liked their look. It just conveys a great amount of confidence and people want to be near that, hoping it will rub off and feel protected in a way by a person like that. Also sometimes if a text convo dies down just let it and then come back later (hours or days) with enthusiasm, something funny, something more personable. Not a week later though!

 

As far as girls you like but are in a friend status with, be flirty-ish, not over the top though. Don't be "right there" waiting. Keep things brief and don't do the extra things where you are curious deep about their life or little caring things that you would do in anticipation of her being a gf (no sweet!). Kind of like you would treat a guy friend but remember there is feminine energy there so usually the relationship has an element of flirting or sisterly teasing (i wouldn't do the sisterly vibe though if you have hopes that it will turn back to romantic!). I'm not explaining this well, sorry! But certainly don't over invest. The way you are with ALL of your friends other than maybe your best one or two, it's easy come, easy go. Not sure what the future will hold, operative word fun and if it's not fun and light, you are not doing it.

 

Yeah! I'm so excited about this new girl. It's funny how she kind of pursued you, right? This is what I'm saying about being into yourself and your goals because there will be a little aura there that other people will pick up on and it's like a magnet. All of this with the other girl and importantly the way you processed it, have been a help not a failure at all. Good luck and let us know what happens!!!