Why men cheat

[BluesPower]

The id ties up the superego, stuffs it in the closet and goes on a self-involved binge.

 

For the guys out there who've had affairs, cheating or not, was your spouse/partner on your mind at all while immersed in that? Or was that box put away and out of mind? How and why that process exists goes a long way to understanding men and affairs. If never having had an affair or being unfaithful, still possible to understand. Think about any time you've lied to or deceived your spouse or partner, going way back to the first instances of mating-driven interactions. What was on your mind? How did the partner/spouse fit into that? Generally, watch carefully those humans who state they've never lied to nor deceived anyone they've loved. That's an interesting process in itself. Psychologists love that stuff. Speaking of that, for those guys who've had affairs, how did examining that affair in psychological counseling go? You know, getting at those reasons.....

 

I'll offer an alternative to the rabbi.... men cheat because they are, freely, being who they really are at that moment. Does that moment define their entire existence? Opinion varies widely. Examine those we know personally who've either admitted to or had affairs exposed. How do some survive and others are destroyed in the social eye of judgment? Why is that? Interesting.

 

I am not sure gender matters...which is where my post was coming from for the most part.

 

I think the factors are the same for both genders, save one, it would seem that most women at some point catch feelings. Not that men don't, but I don't think it is at the same extent as women.

 

Another interesting query, is, why can some men reconcile with a WW, some men won't, and some men (and I am sure women) kill themselves?

 

I would like the answers to those questions as well...

[wmacbride]

I am not sure gender matters...which is where my post was coming from for the most part.

 

I think the factors are the same for both genders, save one, it would seem that most women at some point catch feelings. Not that men don't, but I don't think it is at the same extent as women.

 

Another interesting query, is, why can some men reconcile with a WW, some men won't, and some men (and I am sure women) kill themselves?

 

I would like the answers to those questions as well...

 

These are good questions. I would like to discuss that as well, and will start another thread to do so.

[carhill]

Does attachment style have bearing on why men cheat/deceive and/or have affairs?

 

Adjunct to that, can an unfaithful man 'grow up' and 'mature' and change his adulterous ways and form solid intimate and exclusive attachment to one person? Does age matter in that process?

 

Back when I was married my ex-wife taught me a lot about something I'd never considered before, people who 'think' relationships of the intimate sort, whether that be close platonic friendships, sexual relationships or familial relationships. Their psychology is such that they don't bond emotionally, rather think the bond like an accounting exercise. Their 'desire' and/or 'love' is a logical process rather than an emotional one. As example, they work the 'if I do/say xxx, the likelihood of yyy or zzz may/will occur' process of interaction honed over years or decades of perfecting the process and reading other humans. It's a quid pro quo dynamic cloaked in the flowers and poetry of love. How does that affect their 'thinking' regarding affairs? Is it easier or more likely for people who think relationships to have affairs? IDK.

 

Lastly, one other 'reason' which comes to mind, perhaps already mentioned, is fear of being 'alone' whether in the "I've lost power because our relationship/marriage appears over" or "I can't/won't be alone" or similar. The id can't resolve the conundrum so seeks to gather up another energy source to gratify itself. The adoration and adulation and attraction from/by another human being is a powerful drug, far beyond any opiod. Some men are addicts and can't be without it and will do anything to keep their supply flowing. Whatever it takes. Adapt and overcome. Even if others are damaged or destroyed in the process. The old all is fair in love or war thing. Males seem to get deep into both.

[Jj66]

Men cheat because they have opportunity and either think they can get away with it (no consequences) or do not care about the consequences. Cheating is exciting. It validates your desirability. It's also a way to passively-aggressively say eff you to a partner who is not meetng your needs or even one who is abusing you in some way.

 

Isn't it much more fun to bang like rabbits with your mistress in some hotel room than to listen to that old termagant back home complain about how you didn't take the trash out when she wanted you to? Isn't it much more fun to lie in bed having a woman who "loves" you stroke your hair than be hit upside the head blunt instrument by your drunken wife?

 

The problem is that cheating inevitably leaves a wake of destruction behind it. Leave the bad relationships, don't cheat.

 

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime

If you can't pay the price, don't roll the dice.

[RedBaron2765]

Men cheat because they have opportunity and either think they can get away with it (no consequences) or do not care about the consequences. Cheating is exciting. It validates your desirability. It's also a way to passively-aggressively say eff you to a partner who is not meetng your needs or even one who is abusing you in some way.

 

Isn't it much more fun to bang like rabbits with your mistress in some hotel room than to listen to that old termagant back home complain about how you didn't take the trash out when she wanted you to? Isn't it much more fun to lie in bed having a woman who "loves" you stroke your hair than be hit upside the head blunt instrument by your drunken wife?

 

The problem is that cheating inevitably leaves a wake of destruction behind it. Leave the bad relationships, don't cheat.

 

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime

If you can't pay the price, don't roll the dice.

 

Agree with this. About a month or so after I met my wife, she was out of town on some family business. Ex-GF, who lived 100 miles away and I had broken up with her a couple of months before, calls me. Long story short, phone sex leads her to driving to see me in the middle of the night. Ended up having sex all night and the next morning (and I loved having sex with her), but when she was leaving, I suddenly realized what I had done and told her that we can't do this anymore, which led to a meltdown. I felt horrible for both the ex and for my GF (now wife). Wife has never found out and I'll never tell her. A night of nookie with a horndog ex wasn't worth it.