Did I DODGE a Bullet or did I miss out on something Good?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

This may be a little lengthy so please bare with me.....

 

So I met a recently divorced man on a dating website at the end of September (at the time I was 28 & he is 36)..... During the date I found out he had only been divorced for 3 months (he was with his wife for 16 years in total & if it matters, they didn't have any children together)..... I jokingly said to him "Whoa, I better stay away from you!" and he said "No, It's fine, I'm ready to date"...

 

So we proceeded with the date and the first time of us meeting face to face he made mention of me possibly being the one in which I found odd for a first date...

 

FAST FORWARD, I receive a text from him after the dating stating "maybe next time we can have a movie night and popcorn and your place" and I simply stated "It was great meeting you, however I am not quite ready for that, let's continue to date/meet in public". He said "Ok, cool".

 

A week after our first date, we met for a 2nd date to the movies. He was a gentlemen bought the movie tickets, food, etc.... Very charming. While in the movies he initiated getting physically closer to me in which at first I was feeling uncomfortable but then I bended my boundaries/let my guard down and kissed him back. He continued to say "You should be my girl, and I was like lets continue to date and get to know one another".... Afterwards he walked me to my car, we hugged/kissed goodbye.... When I arrived home he sent me a picture of him in his towel saying "I'm out the shower, still thinking about you, this is all yours" in which made me feel uncomfortable..... We talked on the phone maybe a day or 2 after this and he stated "You don't see what I'm saying now since you are so young, but it is easier when you have 2 people working as a team, don't be so guarded/closed off/picky to where you end up alone and just settling for anything.... We both are attractive with no kids and you are my best candidate we should make this work... everything in my gut told me it was off.... from him posting on social that he MAKES SIX FIGURES yet stays with his brother/brothers wife/their kids (he relocated about 4-5 hours away after his wife divorced him)..

 

Afterwards we didn't talk for like 2 weeks... He liked a few of my pictures on FB so I liked some of his & he then reached out to me... A week and a half after that we met for a 3rd date...

 

I opened up about being financially unsatisfied and he suggested a scheme to me in which I seen as a red flag but continued to engage him.... At the table while he was discussing his idea I felt he was giving me the predatory stare (I literally felt I was punched in the gut, but again I ignored it)...

 

I ended having a few drinks and decided I would go ahead open up and let him come to my home...... we talked, watched TV, and then became intimate (in which I wish I would have never did, although he is one of the BEST lovers I've ever experienced)...

 

He spent the night and the next morning he made mention of him moving in my apartment, paying all of my bills, allowing me to still talk to whoever I wanted to (in which was weird), all I had to do was let him stay there and save my money so we could take trips throughout the year.... As silly as it sounds I was entertaining the thought (I was 28, had never been married/lived with anyone besides my family, and getting to the stage I wanted to be settled but still wanted to take my time)....

 

For the next 2 weeks or so, he was at my home, we talked everyday, had more than passionate love making sessions (It which once he called me a b*tch, in which I addressed that and he also said "I'm going to rape that p___y", and the first time he took off the condom although I said "NO")..... He was very charming even outside of the bedroom stating how we could be a power couple & he liked me because I was a winner, he prayed with me, brought me medicine when I was sick... BUT in the same breath he would tell me "You have a nice body, but you need to hit the gym and tone up", "You are a beautiful girl, when are you going to wear more makeup for me?", "I know men with lots of money, I would let you go be with a man for a month or two to make $100k", "Whats your credit score", "we'd look great together but you aren't submissive enough", "you are so smart for a 28 year old", "I want you to get a $20+ an hour job", "We would have a great relationship but I don't think you'd stick it out through the storm"..

 

He also consistently talked about his ex-wife and how she left him, he thinks it was for another man..... he said "the only problem, I had was I couldn't keep my stuff in my pants (he had cheated on her several times but stated he didn't do it until she stop believing in him), I learned my lesson, but she wouldn't give me any redemption".... He talked down about her... Said she was not all that cute, wasn't great at singing, etc.

 

So, after about 2 or 3 weeks of us being together (he even had told he was falling in love/loved me several times)... For a few days he acted weird with me.. a few days after Thanksgiving he posted up a picture of another him, another woman, and her son... He never discussed anything with me nor did he answer my msgs but he continued to like my pictures... I deleted him... I was super hurt... I cried to my friends, it was bad....

 

Then he ended up taking the pictures down and he reached out to me stating "I'm sorry I wasn't forthcoming, I'm not in anything serious, I just wanted to make my ex mad"... Silly me, opened up to him again and became intimate....

 

A week after this we did a gift exchange and I told him I was not interested in being intimate unless I was going to receive the commitment.... He said he was ready for someone to invest in him and he received an offer to stay in a house with a woman and he thought about doing that since it would be a come up from staying in an apartment... he said he wasn't trying to struggle... I also found out he wasn't making SIX Figures but more like $20k (but he claimed to receive $35k per year in bonuses.. hmmm...?)

 

 

I still feel so used, discarded, tricked, and manipulated.... I also wonder what is it about this other woman that I don't have???... Ironically, I still long to be intimate with him at times

 

how did I overcome this?

 

Does it sound like I WAS LOVE BOMBED & Verbally cut down?

 

AND should I be grateful I didn't end up with him and he is now with someone else?

 

This all happened between the end of Sept- the middle of December...

[shellybing]

sounds like a classic narcissist to me. . .I think you dodged a bullet.

[Purrrfect]

He’s a liar and a narcissist. How did you find out exactly how much he makes? Anyone who lives with family is generally flat broke.

[Zahara]

Sounds like you’re in a fog. What could be good about a man that constantly had you pulling up the red flag?

 

The only reason he’s moved onto this other woman is because his predatory nature is telling him she’ll make a better and easy victim. He knows he can get better use out of her and likely better benefits.

 

The most important question that you need to ask here is why after so many red flag moments, you kept overlooking them only to continue getting more involved with him.

 

You have to have better boundaries and standards for yourself otherwise you’ll settle for just about anything. What are your values, what you’ll accept and tolerate, what are your dealbreakers, etc. When you have your boundaries and standards intact, you won’t be putting yourself in this position. Work on that before you start dating.

Edited March 2, 2018 by Zahara

[shellybing]

This may be a little lengthy so please bare with me.....

 

So I met a recently divorced man on a dating website at the end of September (at the time I was 28 & he is 36)..... During the date I found out he had only been divorced for 3 months (he was with his wife for 16 years in total & if it matters, they didn't have any children together)..... I jokingly said to him "Whoa, I better stay away from you!" and he said "No, It's fine, I'm ready to date"...

 

So we proceeded with the date and the first time of us meeting face to face he made mention of me possibly being the one in which I found odd for a first date...

 

FAST FORWARD, I receive a text from him after the dating stating "maybe next time we can have a movie night and popcorn and your place" and I simply stated "It was great meeting you, however I am not quite ready for that, let's continue to date/meet in public". He said "Ok, cool".

 

A week after our first date, we met for a 2nd date to the movies. He was a gentlemen bought the movie tickets, food, etc.... Very charming. While in the movies he initiated getting physically closer to me in which at first I was feeling uncomfortable but then I bended my boundaries/let my guard down and kissed him back. He continued to say "You should be my girl, and I was like lets continue to date and get to know one another"

 

-------This is how you feel-----------

.... Afterwards he walked me to my car, we hugged/kissed goodbye.... When I arrived home he sent me a picture of him in his towel saying "I'm out the shower, still thinking about you, this is all yours" in which made me feel uncomfortable..... We talked on the phone maybe a day or 2 after this and he stated "You don't see what I'm saying now since you are so young, but it is easier when you have 2 people working as a team, don't be so guarded/closed off/picky to where you end up alone and just settling for anything.... We both are attractive with no kids and you are my best candidate we should make this work... everything in my gut told me it was off.... from him posting on social that he MAKES SIX FIGURES yet stays with his brother/brothers wife/their kids (he relocated about 4-5 hours away after his wife divorced him)..

 

-----------1. You are allowed to feel how you feel without anyone telling you what you SHOULD feel. You SHOULD feel how you feel.

 

Afterwards we didn't talk for like 2 weeks... He liked a few of my pictures on FB so I liked some of his & he then reached out to me... A week and a half after that we met for a 3rd date...

 

---They like to let you sweat to see if you will disregard your red flags to let them back in. If you let your guard down, they like to pounce on that.

 

I opened up about being financially unsatisfied and he suggested a scheme to me in which I seen as a red flag but continued to engage him.... At the table while he was discussing his idea I felt he was giving me the predatory stare (I literally felt I was punched in the gut, but again I ignored it)...

 

 

----Narcissists love to take advantage of people and their money situations so they can use it to their advantage.

 

I ended having a few drinks and decided I would go ahead open up and let him come to my home...... we talked, watched TV, and then became intimate (in which I wish I would have never did, although he is one of the BEST lovers I've ever experienced)...

 

He spent the night and the next morning he made mention of him moving in my apartment, paying all of my bills, allowing me to still talk to whoever I wanted to (in which was weird), all I had to do was let him stay there and save my money so we could take trips throughout the year.... As silly as it sounds I was entertaining the thought (I was 28, had never been married/lived with anyone besides my family, and getting to the stage I wanted to be settled but still wanted to take my time)....

 

----They like to move quickly to land you in a position that you feel is difficult to get out of or obligating, so that they can work their narcissist magic.

 

For the next 2 weeks or so, he was at my home, we talked everyday, had more than passionate love making sessions (It which once he called me a b*tch, in which I addressed that and he also said "I'm going to rape that p___y", and the first time he took off the condom although I said "NO")..... He was very charming even outside of the bedroom stating how we could be a power couple & he liked me because I was a winner, he prayed with me, brought me medicine when I was sick... BUT in the same breath he would tell me "You have a nice body, but you need to hit the gym and tone up", "You are a beautiful girl, when are you going to wear more makeup for me?", "I know men with lots of money, I would let you go be with a man for a month or two to make $100k", "Whats your credit score", "we'd look great together but you aren't submissive enough", "you are so smart for a 28 year old", "I want you to get a $20+ an hour job", "We would have a great relationship but I don't think you'd stick it out through the storm"..

 

Those are all backhanded compliments (gaslighting)

 

He also consistently talked about his ex-wife and how she left him, he thinks it was for another man..... he said "the only problem, I had was I couldn't keep my stuff in my pants (he had cheated on her several times but stated he didn't do it until she stop believing in him), I learned my lesson, but she wouldn't give me any redemption".... He talked down about her... Said she was not all that cute, wasn't great at singing, etc.

 

Narcissists love to use their past relationships to gain your sympathy.

 

So, after about 2 or 3 weeks of us being together (he even had told he was falling in love/loved me several times)... For a few days he acted weird with me.. a few days after Thanksgiving he posted up a picture of another him, another woman, and her son... He never discussed anything with me nor did he answer my msgs but he continued to like my pictures... I deleted him... I was super hurt... I cried to my friends, it was bad....

 

They also like to start love triangles to induce jealousy and then use it to make you look crazy when you confront them about it. They like to keep you on edge because it is easier to manipulate someone who is always on the edge.

 

Then he ended up taking the pictures down and he reached out to me stating "I'm sorry I wasn't forthcoming, I'm not in anything serious, I just wanted to make my ex mad"... Silly me, opened up to him again and became intimate....

 

see....

 

A week after this we did a gift exchange and I told him I was not interested in being intimate unless I was going to receive the commitment.... He said he was ready for someone to invest in him and he received an offer to stay in a house with a woman and he thought about doing that since it would be a come up from staying in an apartment... he said he wasn't trying to struggle... I also found out he wasn't making SIX Figures but more like $20k (but he claimed to receive $35k per year in bonuses.. hmmm...?)

 

What about his own investment in the relationship, and didn't he just say a week later he wasn't wanting something serious?

 

I still feel so used, discarded, tricked, and manipulated.... I also wonder what is it about this other woman that I don't have???... Ironically, I still long to be intimate with him at times

 

-This is what you feel. . .Feel it.

 

how did I overcome this?

 

Does it sound like I WAS LOVE BOMBED & Verbally cut down?

 

AND should I be grateful I didn't end up with him and he is now with someone else?

 

This all happened between the end of Sept- the middle of December...

 

 

 

 

 

These are all things classic narcissists do. PLease just cut the contact and move on. You can heal how you need to, but the more you give, the more he will take. *personal experience*

[aussietigerwolf]

Sounds very much like a guy i just got rid of. Was moving waaaay to fast and when i told him my feelings? Yeah. All i got was a tirade of texts that I'd led him on and i had rejected him. We had known each other a week and he wanted to move in with me... That all just made me feel even more uncomfortable then him going waaaay too fast in the first place. So i just told him that i no longer wanted to see him again and blocked him.

[BaileyB]

I would never date a man who says "you are my best candidate." This guy doesn't know how to "date" and his behavior is very inappropriate - actually downright controlling and scary...

 

I would say respectfully, you were not used and discarded as much as you didn't listen to your intuition trying to warn you that there were enough red flags here to start a parade - you missed them all...

Edited March 2, 2018 by BaileyB

[MsHopeful0208201689]

He’s a liar and a narcissist. How did you find out exactly how much he makes? Anyone who lives with family is generally flat broke.

 

He ended up telling me (slip of the tongue) during conversation

[MsHopeful0208201689]

This may be a little lengthy so please bare with me.....

 

So I met a recently divorced man on a dating website at the end of September (at the time I was 28 & he is 36)..... During the date I found out he had only been divorced for 3 months (he was with his wife for 16 years in total & if it matters, they didn't have any children together)..... I jokingly said to him "Whoa, I better stay away from you!" and he said "No, It's fine, I'm ready to date"...

 

So we proceeded with the date and the first time of us meeting face to face he made mention of me possibly being the one in which I found odd for a first date...

 

FAST FORWARD, I receive a text from him after the dating stating "maybe next time we can have a movie night and popcorn and your place" and I simply stated "It was great meeting you, however I am not quite ready for that, let's continue to date/meet in public". He said "Ok, cool".

 

A week after our first date, we met for a 2nd date to the movies. He was a gentlemen bought the movie tickets, food, etc.... Very charming. While in the movies he initiated getting physically closer to me in which at first I was feeling uncomfortable but then I bended my boundaries/let my guard down and kissed him back. He continued to say "You should be my girl, and I was like lets continue to date and get to know one another"

 

-------This is how you feel-----------

.... Afterwards he walked me to my car, we hugged/kissed goodbye.... When I arrived home he sent me a picture of him in his towel saying "I'm out the shower, still thinking about you, this is all yours" in which made me feel uncomfortable..... We talked on the phone maybe a day or 2 after this and he stated "You don't see what I'm saying now since you are so young, but it is easier when you have 2 people working as a team, don't be so guarded/closed off/picky to where you end up alone and just settling for anything.... We both are attractive with no kids and you are my best candidate we should make this work... everything in my gut told me it was off.... from him posting on social that he MAKES SIX FIGURES yet stays with his brother/brothers wife/their kids (he relocated about 4-5 hours away after his wife divorced him)..

 

-----------1. You are allowed to feel how you feel without anyone telling you what you SHOULD feel. You SHOULD feel how you feel.

 

Afterwards we didn't talk for like 2 weeks... He liked a few of my pictures on FB so I liked some of his & he then reached out to me... A week and a half after that we met for a 3rd date...

 

---They like to let you sweat to see if you will disregard your red flags to let them back in. If you let your guard down, they like to pounce on that.

 

I opened up about being financially unsatisfied and he suggested a scheme to me in which I seen as a red flag but continued to engage him.... At the table while he was discussing his idea I felt he was giving me the predatory stare (I literally felt I was punched in the gut, but again I ignored it)...

 

 

----Narcissists love to take advantage of people and their money situations so they can use it to their advantage.

 

I ended having a few drinks and decided I would go ahead open up and let him come to my home...... we talked, watched TV, and then became intimate (in which I wish I would have never did, although he is one of the BEST lovers I've ever experienced)...

 

He spent the night and the next morning he made mention of him moving in my apartment, paying all of my bills, allowing me to still talk to whoever I wanted to (in which was weird), all I had to do was let him stay there and save my money so we could take trips throughout the year.... As silly as it sounds I was entertaining the thought (I was 28, had never been married/lived with anyone besides my family, and getting to the stage I wanted to be settled but still wanted to take my time)....

 

----They like to move quickly to land you in a position that you feel is difficult to get out of or obligating, so that they can work their narcissist magic.

 

For the next 2 weeks or so, he was at my home, we talked everyday, had more than passionate love making sessions (It which once he called me a b*tch, in which I addressed that and he also said "I'm going to rape that p___y", and the first time he took off the condom although I said "NO")..... He was very charming even outside of the bedroom stating how we could be a power couple & he liked me because I was a winner, he prayed with me, brought me medicine when I was sick... BUT in the same breath he would tell me "You have a nice body, but you need to hit the gym and tone up", "You are a beautiful girl, when are you going to wear more makeup for me?", "I know men with lots of money, I would let you go be with a man for a month or two to make $100k", "Whats your credit score", "we'd look great together but you aren't submissive enough", "you are so smart for a 28 year old", "I want you to get a $20+ an hour job", "We would have a great relationship but I don't think you'd stick it out through the storm"..

 

Those are all backhanded compliments (gaslighting)

 

He also consistently talked about his ex-wife and how she left him, he thinks it was for another man..... he said "the only problem, I had was I couldn't keep my stuff in my pants (he had cheated on her several times but stated he didn't do it until she stop believing in him), I learned my lesson, but she wouldn't give me any redemption".... He talked down about her... Said she was not all that cute, wasn't great at singing, etc.

 

Narcissists love to use their past relationships to gain your sympathy.

 

So, after about 2 or 3 weeks of us being together (he even had told he was falling in love/loved me several times)... For a few days he acted weird with me.. a few days after Thanksgiving he posted up a picture of another him, another woman, and her son... He never discussed anything with me nor did he answer my msgs but he continued to like my pictures... I deleted him... I was super hurt... I cried to my friends, it was bad....

 

They also like to start love triangles to induce jealousy and then use it to make you look crazy when you confront them about it. They like to keep you on edge because it is easier to manipulate someone who is always on the edge.

 

Then he ended up taking the pictures down and he reached out to me stating "I'm sorry I wasn't forthcoming, I'm not in anything serious, I just wanted to make my ex mad"... Silly me, opened up to him again and became intimate....

 

see....

 

A week after this we did a gift exchange and I told him I was not interested in being intimate unless I was going to receive the commitment.... He said he was ready for someone to invest in him and he received an offer to stay in a house with a woman and he thought about doing that since it would be a come up from staying in an apartment... he said he wasn't trying to struggle... I also found out he wasn't making SIX Figures but more like $20k (but he claimed to receive $35k per year in bonuses.. hmmm...?)

 

What about his own investment in the relationship, and didn't he just say a week later he wasn't wanting something serious?

 

I still feel so used, discarded, tricked, and manipulated.... I also wonder what is it about this other woman that I don't have???... Ironically, I still long to be intimate with him at times

 

-This is what you feel. . .Feel it.

 

how did I overcome this?

 

Does it sound like I WAS LOVE BOMBED & Verbally cut down?

 

AND should I be grateful I didn't end up with him and he is now with someone else?

 

This all happened between the end of Sept- the middle of December...

 

 

 

 

 

These are all things classic narcissists do. PLease just cut the contact and move on. You can heal how you need to, but the more you give, the more he will take. *personal experience*

 

 

Thank you for the in depth response and advice. It makes a lot of sense now.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

I would never date a man who says "you are my best candidate." This guy doesn't know how to "date" and his behavior is very inappropriate - actually downright controlling and scary...

 

I would say respectfully, you were not used and discarded as much as you didn't listen to your intuition trying to warn you that there were enough red flags here to start a parade - you missed them all...

 

Agreed. And you are right. I overlooked.. the reason being is because I feel I can be so,analytical sometimes to where I am quick to write people off for anything... Never again will I go against my gut

[shellybing]

Thank you for the in depth response and advice. It makes a lot of sense now.

 

Things that raise red flags in our minds, and in our hearts are there for a reason. That is your spidey sense. Use it. If you see a red flag, or if something bothers you about a person, or it isn't just right, don't do it.

 

I am glad you didn't get involved in the financial scheme. Those are the worst to get out of. If there are red flags it's best not to get intimate and best to just find someone else.

 

Lonlines can get the best of us sometimes, but there are tons of people out there just looking to use you. Just like this.

 

Please be wary.

 

Going no contact is the best way to heal from a narcisisst. Especially if there was any major involvement. Often, after a realtionship is over, you will go through a smear campaign and they will tell all of their friends and relatives how crazy you are. It's best just to go your own way and stay out of it, none the less. Even if it has just been a few weeks or months.

 

much love.

[shellybing]

Agreed. And you are right. I overlooked.. the reason being is because I feel I can be so,analytical sometimes to where I am quick to write people off for anything... Never again will I go against my gut

 

It is great to be analytical. Sometimes we take it too far, but that is how the cookie crumbles. If it is something important, you don't have to let it go.

 

If it is something not important, you can weigh your thoughts and possibly come up with a happy medium. But being analytical is a good trait.