Question for those who got out of the affair

[FoundMyStrength]

And it started to infuriate me that he thought I was worth just these crumbs. He would say I deserved more, but his actions didn't change. So I ended it, and never looked back.

 

It feels like they all say that, so earnestly: I don't want to cause you pain. You deserve more.

 

At times it felt like he wanted MY sympathy for the pain HE was causing: "I'm so sorry, xMM, that it hurts you to hurt me. Here, let me give you a hug and make it feel okay to be a complete and utter jack*ass."

 

Eh, screw him.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

It feels like they all say that, so earnestly: I don't want to cause you pain. You deserve more.

 

At times it felt like he wanted MY sympathy for the pain HE was causing: "I'm so sorry, xMM, that it hurts you to hurt me. Here, let me give you a hug and make it feel okay to be a complete and utter jack*ass."

 

Eh, screw him.

 

LOL!!! Totally golden! Well said! I also got, "I don't want to disappoint you." Wow, really?! You sure you don't want to disappoint me by feeding me your occasional crumbs as your dirty little secret side item with whom you put almost no effort into maintaining a connection, meanwhile avoiding answering my questions about what my presence actually means to you and whether you will follow through on a single thing you ever said you would do? Hmmm.

Edited February 21, 2018 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Grapesofwrath]

It feels like they all say that, so earnestly: I don't want to cause you pain. You deserve more.

 

At times it felt like he wanted MY sympathy for the pain HE was causing: "I'm so sorry, xMM, that it hurts you to hurt me. Here, let me give you a hug and make it feel okay to be a complete and utter jack*ass."

 

Eh, screw him.

 

YES!! He would break down and sob over the "pain he was causing" me and because of how bad he felt about what he was doing. But he kept right on doing it....

[Eight]

I know consequences are what I am dealing with right now. I know they’re deserving. I have to allow myself to walk through this pain. This pain that only I can take responsibility for. This pain that seems never ending.

 

I feel a sense of loss. Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Jealousy. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

 

For those of you that were married and went through the NC. How did you deal with your feelings? How did you keep your head up? It’s suffering in silence. I know I have to do it. How though? Any advice?

 

I told my husband. I had ended it before that time, but he didn't know the extent of our involvement. I realized after I told him the whole truth, that I was walking around deceiving him, as well as myself, about what I had done. I have never been at a lower point than that night/the next morning. But I felt like I had to start with complete honestly to rebuild us, if he wanted to. I couldn't do that if I was hiding myself. I also couldn't change who *I* was if I was denying what was true. I couldn't be false anymore, not to anyone.

 

He was very kind to me in helping me work on myself and work through my emotions; but there was no way I could or would cry over my AP around him. I poured all of my feelings into my journal.

 

The two things that saved me where journaling and reading. I wrote my feelings down. Every night, every day. I also read everything I could and educated myself on limerance, love, marriage, affairs. I read books upon books. I listened to podcasts. I read every thread on Loveshack. Some of the regular posters here in 2016 helped me immensely.

 

I let the emotions come and go. I knew I had to feel them. But I didn't wallow in them. I learned a lot about myself. About love. I asked myself why I did what I did and found healthy ways to get the emotional connection I need. I developed boundaries. (No man wants to be "just friends." Unless he is gay. That's my boundary now)

 

It takes time. At first, it may only be a few minutes where you don't think of him. Then a couple months later, maybe the whole day goes by and you realize you only thought of him once. Finally you can listen to those songs you had to remove from your playlist, because he no longer has a hold over you anymore. Then you look back and you realize how much time and energy and emotion was spent. How broken you were.

But now you are proud of the work you've done to become the person you are. Stronger, wiser, kinder, more compassionate. Less naive. Less trusting. But so much better than before.

[whatcomesnext]

I also read books upon books and tried writing in a journal on particularly bad days (including unsent letters). Sometimes I’ve wondered if reading so much about this actually serves to feed the addiction. It is more time focusing on and thinking about the A, my feelings, and him. But I guess reading is better than reaching out to MM or doing anything else that you may later come to regret. It’s also important to try to focus on literature that helps you understand what happened so you can empower and fix yourself. I’ve tried to do that, but there are periods when I find myself reading about “him” - meaning, trying to understand him and what happened with him, why he did what he did, is he a narcissist, etc. Whenever my reading is in that mode I generally feel worse. Because there really are no good answers. Make it mostly about you and your marriage if relevant, not about him.

Edited February 21, 2018 by whatcomesnext

[Poppy47]

It's been nearly 2 years since I ended the A. There was no D-day, and I didn't have anyone new in my life (at that time. I have since found someone wonderful.) I saw the affair as a huge barrier between myself and the life I wanted. And it started to infuriate me that he thought I was worth just these crumbs. He would say I deserved more, but his actions didn't change. So I ended it, and never looked back.

 

The pain is now definitely gone, partly because I wanted it to be gone. I stopped maundering over him. Started seeing him for who he really is. Started reading more and more about what the BS goes through, and I had to make a change.

 

Now, I am completely over it. I regret it, even though there was no discovery. It's just not who I want to be. I don't want to be some OW. I deserve more than that. And once I started to believe that, it became real.

 

Well said Grapes. When I did NC for the last time, I was on the brink of big changes in my life.

ExMM was already talking about being involved in the changes I was making. The thought of having him around in my new future was not pleasing me at all.

 

My future plans looked golden... retirement and a new apartment with a very nice income for the rest of my life. Suddenly, I saw myself being dragged down by that very selfish,extremely dangerous individual.

 

Of course I deserved more just as you did. I love your use or the word "maundering"... I have stopped that too. My pain has all but gone. There are still moments they pass very quickly.

 

My plans have half reached fruition and it feels bloody good to be enjoying it alone.

 

Poppy.

[Grapesofwrath]

Well said Grapes. When I did NC for the last time, I was on the brink of big changes in my life.

ExMM was already talking about being involved in the changes I was making. The thought of having him around in my new future was not pleasing me at all.

 

My future plans looked golden... retirement and a new apartment with a very nice income for the rest of my life. Suddenly, I saw myself being dragged down by that very selfish,extremely dangerous individual.

 

Of course I deserved more just as you did. I love your use or the word "maundering"... I have stopped that too. My pain has all but gone. There are still moments they pass very quickly.

 

My plans have half reached fruition and it feels bloody good to be enjoying it alone.

 

Poppy.

 

Thanks, Pops. So glad to hear you are doing well.

 

OP: It is easier said than done, but the fact remains that we choose our thoughts. Our thoughts inform our emotions. If you keep telling yourself that you love the MM who uses you and deceives his wife, then you will continue to believe that you love him and will therefore feel pain. Start telling yourself the truth: He is a liar. You can never trust him. What he offers you is not love. You are better off on your own than living a life of being someone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this.

[grass-hopper]

OP: It is easier said than done, but the fact remains that we choose our thoughts. Our thoughts inform our emotions. If you keep telling yourself that you love the MM who uses you and deceives his wife, then you will continue to believe that you love him and will therefore feel pain. Start telling yourself the truth: He is a liar. You can never trust him. What he offers you is not love. You are better off on your own than living a life of being someone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this.

 

Thank you. I needed this today... and everyday. My thoughts have been doing this lately. Even though I’m fully aware of the reality of the situation.

 

Everyone’s insights and replies are helpful. Thank you all for sharing your stories and grief and eventual success. I only hope to be like those of you that were able to get out of the fog and heal and become a better person through such a painful life experience.

 

I’m not there. It feels like I’ll never get there. But I’m taking it one step at a time.

[Scoutjr]

 

Everyone’s insights and replies are helpful. Thank you all for sharing your stories and grief and eventual success. I only hope to be like those of you that were able to get out of the fog and heal and become a better person through such a painful life experience.

 

I’m not there. It feels like I’ll never get there. But I’m taking it one step at a time.

 

 

I'm with you grasshopper, I'm in the same boat. Feel free to post anytime!

[Grapesofwrath]

Scout & Grass: You will absolutely get there!! This situation is 100% within your control. You are not powerless against it. In fact, quite the opposite. It was your choices that got you into the situation, and it is your choices that will get you out.

 

It also helped me to put this situation into perspective: In a world full of pain, crisis, violence, and illness, my pain over being with a MM was really quite trivial. And what's worse...it was pain I brought on myself. When I saw it like that, I realized how ludicrous and selfish it was. So I had to make it stop.

[Scoutjr]

Scout & Grass: You will absolutely get there!! This situation is 100% within your control. You are not powerless against it. In fact, quite the opposite. It was your choices that got you into the situation, and it is your choices that will get you out.

 

It also helped me to put this situation into perspective: In a world full of pain, crisis, violence, and illness, my pain over being with a MM was really quite trivial. And what's worse...it was pain I brought on myself. When I saw it like that, I realized how ludicrous and selfish it was. So I had to make it stop.

 

You are absolutely right about that Grapes! I try to remind myself of that. I just get bogged down sometimes. I just hate that the MM is off scot-free with no remorse or anything. Not even an apology. Oh well, I may have to keep posting and visiting here for reassurance!!!

[grass-hopper]

I got a bit of a helping hand from MM this week. He detached. No more reaching out to me. No more inappropriate discussions. Just friendly professional conversation and distance. It threw me off my feet But as the days have passed and I’ve been left wondering. I see myself getting through the day. Not unscathed but everyday I get through it.

 

I’ve yet to ask him why. Does it matter why? Likely not.

 

It hurts tremendously to see how quickly someone can turn off their feelings. But were they ever feelings?

 

I shouldn’t care. But I kind of do. But I’ll never ask.

What is it that happens? Why do they turn it off?

 

Nonetheless, it’s one step closer to wherever I need to go. So his indifference is helping me get through.

[grass-hopper]

I knew I needed to get out. I knew all this would end badly. I just never expected him to stop replying to me.

 

He has gone NC on me. And my heart is broken.

[georgia girl]

GH,

 

Do you have a close friend or a good set of girlfriends? Someone posted once about advice their mother gave them about the secret to life and it was something like this:

 

“Get a good set of girlfriends. Nurture those relationships. Keep them in your life. You will have good times and bad times. You will watch your parents die and your children grow. You will fall in love and you will fall out of love. Your heart will be broken into a thousand pieces. You will laugh until your belly hurts. You will be sick and you will be well. Through it all, you need girlfriends. They will be the ones always by your side. They will love you unconditionally but tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.”

 

As you go through this pain - pain you were dreading even though you knew it was necessary to come out the other side - reach out to your best friends in real life. Bring them back in while you mourn. They will become your rock and will walk alongside you on the path back to happiness.

 

I am so sorry for your hurt, but for your sake, I really do hope it’s over so you can heal. You have been in a painful kind of limbo for a long time.

 

Hugs, GG

Edited February 24, 2018 by georgia girl
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[Eight]

I knew I needed to get out. I knew all this would end badly. I just never expected him to stop replying to me.

 

He has gone NC on me. And my heart is broken.

 

Instead of handing him all the power, take your power back. You went NC. You are in control.

You want him to leave you alone because you need to get your life back. You need to focus on your healing, your husband, your marriage.

Of course it hurts, that's to be expected, but this is the path to healing. This is the way you need to go.

Own it. Own your life. Own your choices.

He is not your problem. His life, his issues; those are not your concern.

You are free to move on with your life. Choose to do so. Don't stay stuck.

One day at a time; string them together. It does get easier. It will get easier for you, too.

Get mad, cry, throw something, whatever. Feel your feelings. They will come and they will go. Then move on.

Just keep going.

Make 2018 your year to reclaim your value.

[grass-hopper]

Instead of handing him all the power, take your power back. You went NC. You are in control.

You want him to leave you alone because you need to get your life back. You need to focus on your healing, your husband, your marriage.

Of course it hurts, that's to be expected, but this is the path to healing. This is the way you need to go.

Own it. Own your life. Own your choices.

He is not your problem. His life, his issues; those are not your concern.

You are free to move on with your life. Choose to do so. Don't stay stuck.

One day at a time; string them together. It does get easier. It will get easier for you, too.

Get mad, cry, throw something, whatever. Feel your feelings. They will come and they will go. Then move on.

Just keep going.

Make 2018 your year to reclaim your value.

 

This is right. Last night I had a moment of weakness. It will be the only one I allow. Well maybe not. But I’ll try.

Thank you for your post. He is not my problem. I’ll let his wife deal with who he is. For me? I’ll figure out who I am.

 

He did contact me. I’ve yet to open. Like always he will text and text if I don’t respond promptly and eventually he’ll get upset and try to turn it on me. Except this time I won’t be manipulated by him getting mad at me.

 

Thank you for your replies.

[grass-hopper]

Well I opened the message. Weak. He said he had to talk to me. So I met up with him. Weak. And it’s over now. No long drawn out goodbye. No tears. Just him needing to step away because of problems he is having at home. And me saying ok. No anger. No begging him to love me. Just an ok. And a see ya.

 

I’m sad. But I’m also relieved. Because now my healing starts. I’m sure I’ll live through a roller coaster of emotions in the upcoming days. Bare with me.

 

Someone posted up a replies that I should contact friends for support. Not a soul knows. So I’ll likely resort to posting here.

[imsosad]

I'm sorry for your pain. You must be feeling terrible.

The thing that worries me is, what happens when things calm down at home and he feels like starting things up again with you?

Are you ready to be done with this affair?

He has now put you in time out, because it suits his needs.

I hope you will regard this as game over and go full NC, blocking and deleting, so that you won't be drawn back in when he feels like it.

[grass-hopper]

I'm sorry for your pain. You must be feeling terrible.

The thing that worries me is, what happens when things calm down at home and he feels like starting things up again with you?

Are you ready to be done with this affair?

He has now put you in time out, because it suits his needs.

I hope you will regard this as game over and go full NC, blocking and deleting, so that you won't be drawn back in when he feels like it.

 

Yes I’m sad. Angry. Confused. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I feel used.

 

He won’t come back. His words were final.

 

I just have to figure out how I start this day. And how to put that first foot forward. Because I don’t even want to roll out of bed and face the long hard truths that I’ve been avoiding for months.

[Daisy2013]

Are you ready to be done with this affair?

He has now put you in time out, because it suits his needs.

 

I got time outs a lot, he always came back. Maybe a day, maybe 2 weeks. It was always a "final" too. Strengthen yourself should he return so you can say no. If he is unhappy at home, he will come back when he's ready. You be ready.

[grass-hopper]

Today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I always knew it would be hard but this is taking my breath away. My eyes well up. My happiness is drained out of me. All while wearing a smile for my family. But inside I’m drowning.

I know I’ll have to pick myself up. I can’t go on like this forever. But the day has been long.

I hate to be the sad sappy story on here. But I have no one to tell my awful secret to. And even then no one ever feels sorry for the cheater.

 

I feel like I’ll be missing something but I know I won’t. He’s not a good husband. He’s not a good dad. I would hate to be married to him. I think to myself here I am crying over a married man who dumped me. At least I know who the real man is -a no good liar, cheater, narcissist. His poor wife, she’s being deceived and lied to by a man she doesn’t know. By a man that leaves the house and tells her he loves her and goes and has affairs.

 

And now I must look within myself. I am the liar and the cheater. I deserve this pain. At least before I had company. Now I’m alone.

 

I hope to get out of this feeling sorry for myself rut

[Poppy47]

Today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I always knew it would be hard but this is taking my breath away. My eyes well up. My happiness is drained out of me. All while wearing a smile for my family. But inside I’m drowning.

I know I’ll have to pick myself up. I can’t go on like this forever. But the day has been long.

I hate to be the sad sappy story on here. But I have no one to tell my awful secret to. And even then no one ever feels sorry for the cheater.

 

I feel like I’ll be missing something but I know I won’t. He’s not a good husband. He’s not a good dad. I would hate to be married to him. I think to myself here I am crying over a married man who dumped me. At least I know who the real man is -a no good liar, cheater, narcissist. His poor wife, she’s being deceived and lied to by a man she doesn’t know. By a man that leaves the house and tells her he loves her and goes and has affairs.

 

 

And now I must look within myself. I am the liar and the cheater. I deserve this pain. At least before I had company. Now I’m alone.

 

I hope to get out of this feeling sorry for myself rut

 

YOu have just said it yourself Grasshopper... you looked for company with in the wrong place, just as I did.

Stop beating yourself up, and don't do that again.

 

Poppy.

[Bittersweetie]

Grasshopper, all you can do right now is get through it. You can't walk around the pain, you just have to walk through it. It sucks big time and is a consequence of our actions.

 

You are all over the place right now. But now you have the opportunity to put your pieces back together in a healthier, stronger way. Think about the kind of person you want to be after this, and take baby steps toward that goal.

 

And please, please don't fall down into that rabbit hole of "I'm a liar and cheater and will always be a bad person." I know it is easy to get caught up in that mindset. Yes, you made some epically bad choices, so did I. But how are you going to go from there? When I was at my rock bottom I thought, do I want to continue to be someone who lies and cheats and hurts people? Or do I want to be someone different than that? I wanted different for myself. So I slowly moved forward with that goal in mind.

 

Journal, take walks, look for things in your life to be thankful for, take it one hour at a time. Hugs to you.

[georgia girl]

GH,

 

If there is any solace, take solace in this: Day 1 is done. You don’t have to do Day 1 ever again. On to Day 2. It may suck as well but when it’s done, you never have to do Day 2 again.

 

There is a book by Mira Kirshanbaum (sic?) called, “ The Gift of a Year.” When I was at my absolute lowest - I had not slept more than two hours at a time for over six months - I read this book. My job was so pressure-filled that I literally thought I would shatter into a million pieces everyday. This book helped me to heal. It’s about taking time for a full year for yourself to explore whatever it will take to make you happy. I chose a Friday night bubble bath and greasy takeout food. And you know what? No matter how bad the week got, I knew that between 6-10 pm on Friday, I had time for myself with no one else to just be me. I didn’t make it the full year, sadly enough, but it was amazing how well I healed. (I didn’t end up needing it for a year - but I am wistful for greasy food and bubble baths again.)

 

Hugs, GG

[grass-hopper]

I wallowed. I’m walking through the pain.

 

And just as whatcomesnext said.. I’m questioning my values. What was real. Im angry at myself. I feel sorry for myself. But mostly I’m angry. And hurt. And wondering how someone could be so cruel.

 

But I too am cruel. I was selfish. I have done damage to unsuspecting people as he has done damage to me. So guilt is weighing heavily on me. And I know I am deserving.

 

I am at work tonight. And areas remind me of him. And I have to stop sometimes and gather myself. I’ll have to work with him in 4 days. A full 12 hour shift. It will be brutal.