Do women just not like me or am I intimidating?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Smile, think happy thoughts while going about your day! Brighten up when you see a woman and look her in the eyes while smiling! Do you flirt? (not outrageously, just having fun). Kid around with her sometimes.

[Maggie4]

Old ladies don't seem to have a problem with me. Maybe a little bit, but nothing like what my peers do. Little kids are a little shy around me but I chalk that up to my size mostly. Like I said I'm 6'4" 200lbs with really wide shoulders and athletic. Little kids just seem to gawk at me most of the time.

 

You pass the little old lady test, then you're ok. With women your age, tone down the eye contact. Make sure no staring when you see an attractive woman. I've seen men do that, an intense gaze, but I don't think those men were aware they were doing that.

[starflower]

Ultimately though that's the way I see it for women who seem intimidated. They can basically be intimidated for a variety of reasons. My goal in asking this question is to figure out ways to come off as less standoffish and to appear more approachable which I fear is my biggest problem.

 

I just have a hard time with people almost coming off as rude in the workplace. Almost ignoring me. I mean when you're walking down a hallway and it's only you and one other person and you don't even acknowledge or say hi to the other person. What's up with that exactly? Are we that messed up socially that we can't even say hi to each other? I don't know just a major pet peeve of mine

 

Some guys really are intimidating because of the way they look. Honestly reading a post like yours is eye opening. It's never good to assume anything about anyone because of their appearance. My children's dad has had the same issue. I would have many people ask me in advance if he was approachable lol. A coworker in the past commented that I was married to "the monster". It makes me chuckle to think about that because my ex is an easy going man. I also wish humans could be more relaxed and not be afraid to be friendly to each other. Not so guarded

Edited February 17, 2018 by starflower

[Ami1uwant]

Work isn't a problem for me. I'm a contracted employee so it's easy for me to switch hotels. Plus, I know plenty of people who have met their wives/husbands at work. It's not a place I'll shut off just because of stigma or something like that. In fact I prefer it than meeting some girl at a club or something

 

My thoughts.....

 

Separate meeting people thru work...how are you meeting women elsewhere ??

 

As you said you are shy so yo mat come off as not friendly.

 

If I'm not expecting to meet women I won't pay attention to how I am, nor see how they look at me.

[Popsicle]

Just talk to them more. Strike up conversation more than hi how are you doing. If they think you’re out of their league and have tons of girls because you’re so hot, then they’ll never approach you. They’ll think you’re not interested in them and are just being friendly with your hellos. When you talk to them you should be able to pick up signs that they are interested.

[Versacehottie]

I definitely hear you on woman not making the first move. The problem with me is that their attitude around me makes me think I shouldn't even bother. Cause it's either they're repulsed by me or it's the exact opposite. Funny how that works

 

Wonder if that is the exact same thing they are thinking about you? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just wondering why if when a person "seems" standoffish, you're not inclined to approach them thinking it's nothing you should bother with---which ironically might be the EXACT same thing they are thinking when you "seem" standoffish. Just saying.

[GemmaUK]

So you think that there's nobody that's into us? I don't know if I'm willing to go that far buddy haha

 

Truthfully, in my personal opinion I think it's a blend of intimidation/attraction. Some women I think are intimidated by me without being attracted to me, while others may be intimidated by me while being attracted to me. The problem is trying to figure it out. I've very rarely come across women my age who aren't a little.. "hesitant" around me. Could be for a lot of reasons, some of which I may not even realize that don't have to do with intimidation or attraction. Could be for any reason at all

 

Ultimately though that's the way I see it for women who seem intimidated. They can basically be intimidated for a variety of reasons. My goal in asking this question is to figure out ways to come off as less standoffish and to appear more approachable which I fear is my biggest problem.

 

I just have a hard time with people almost coming off as rude in the workplace. Almost ignoring me. I mean when you're walking down a hallway and it's only you and one other person and you don't even acknowledge or say hi to the other person. What's up with that exactly? Are we that messed up socially that we can't even say hi to each other? I don't know just a major pet peeve of mine

 

I am a bit of an avid fan of body language, facial expressions and micro-expressions.

You, yourself mentioned resting bitch face (and many of us have one of those, myself included).

Peraph mentioned opening her face up with a wide smile and also using her eyebrows. A big wide smile could feel a bit strange, especially for someone you don't know terribly well but there are definitely things you can do.

 

You also walk down corridoors a lot in a hotel - this is a prime opportunity for practise - you have it lucky in that sense.

If you are in and out of rooms too you have mirrors around you all day - also lucky on that front.

Bear with me and I will explain - in a lot of detail...

 

Step one is to get yourself a little compact mirror or if there is a place at home where you spend a lot of time just relaxing get a standup shaving mirror. The point of the mirror is to be in 'RBF (resting bitch face) mode and to look at your face, see what others see.

If you look miserable and unapproachable then that is what others are seeing too.

For the record I look like a 5ft 1inch female serial killer!! I look like I have the intention of serial killing but and far too tiny to pull it off With your height and build it's possible you could pull off the murder part. Please don't take this seriously nor offensively - hopefully you get the drift.

 

When you look into that mirror try out some small - and I mean small )to stat with) engaging of your facial muscles to make your face look softer and happier.

To make this slight yet quite significant change the liklihood is you will end up with abotu a quarter lift of the eyebrows and just enough use of your smile muscles to pull the corners of your lips up just a fraction.

You will need to try this out and find something you are happy with.

The next step is to learn and remember the engagement of those muscles, then you can engage their use at any point of the day.

The reason I used 'serial killer' is it's an easy thing to remember - and something I don't want to look like - it reminds me to engage those muscles to brighten how I look. Plus it also amuses me so as soon as I think it I will tend to almost laugh - so it helps me engage those muscles.

 

Mirrors in your workplace - you need to be discreet about this or people will think you are vain but all around you there will be mirrors but once you now your RBF all it takes is a very fleeting glance into a mirror to see whether you have fallen back into your comfortable mode of RBF.

Think of RBF to a warmer look as re-setting each time. You will forget but the more you practise the more natural brightening your face up will feel.

 

Now, corridoors.

Corridoors can be really awkward but they can also be made fun too simply because they can be so very awkward and the awkwardness of them can be turned into a fun opener for a brief conversation in your day.

 

You and me are in a long corridoor and far far apart. I glance at you, you glance at me, we know each other is there.

At that distance you can immediately soften that first or second glance by just a simple eyebrow raise. Eyebrows, especially on a man are vital.

Briefly - on eyebrow grooming - don't overgroom or shape your brows but do make sure any mono-brow is kept under control. Overgrooming can make a man look too feminie.

What raised eyebrows says is 'hey, I've seen you, I like you' Not always in a romantic sense - in a friendly sense. However, if she is attracted to you then an eyebrow raise is very sexy - both eyebrows need to raise at the same time - a simple up down very quickly, don't just raise one or it will look like you are confused.

 

Right after or with an eyebrow raise you can smile - not a big huge smile, think more of a little grin.

 

The reason that a far distance can be awkward is that you acknowledge each other from a long way away and get closer as you both move towards each other.

 

We have two areas where I work which are like corridoors. When someone is walking towards me from far away I look at them to see if they have seen me.

If they have seen me I check out their expression to see whether it looks like they are likely to say hello when I get closer to them.

They might be immersed in thought, they might be carrying a tray of drinks - in which case I leave them to do their own thing.

If they are not doing either then I will soften my face to a small smile and then smile properly with a 'hello' as I get closer.

 

The fun part of the awkwardness of a distance is you can play with it, do the eyebrow raise and a bigger smile from afar. Then it becomes a bit of a game of do you look and smile again and again and or keep that smile going as you walk towards each other.

Doing this you can then say 'you were so far away, I saw you, smiled then it felt rude not to keep smiling so I now feel like a smiling idiot who can't stop!'

This is the kind of thing you can do with people you don't know very well and those you do too. Self depreciation is thrown in there too which can be an ice breaker.

 

All of this you can do with anyone at all - even walking down the street - if someone attractive catches your eye.

 

If I am walking towards someone and they acknowledge me only very slightly then I will tend not to acknowledge them much either. But just one sign of a welcoming face will ease the distance because I know if I smile that I will get one in return the closer we get.

There was a guy who used to work at my old company years ago and he was a master of the eyebrow raise and grin.

He was not good looking and he was 5ft 6in so not tall either but he became known as 'Hot Tom' - why? Because those eyebrow raises gave many of us ladies the flutters. The grin confirmed the eyebrow raise and he always gave a true smile and a hello once a person got closer to him.

He would always acknowledge all people he walked past and would always hold a door open if you got there at the same time as him.

 

ETA: Something I forgot to add which is also vital - when you do an eyebrow raise do not purse your lips.

Pursing your lips will look like 'I acknowledge you but am scared of you. Or will look like 'I acknowledge you but do not like you'

Pursing your lips looks like the known micro-expression for contempt.

To see what it looks like google Paul Ekman and his work on micro-expressions - you will find the expression for contempt. This is an expression you want to avoid at all costs when walking into a new space or acknowledging someone.

Edited February 17, 2018 by GemmaUK

[Yosemite]

Wonder if that is the exact same thing they are thinking about you? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just wondering why if when a person "seems" standoffish, you're not inclined to approach them thinking it's nothing you should bother with---which ironically might be the EXACT same thing they are thinking when you "seem" standoffish. Just saying.

 

I agree with this. The difference between standoffish and shy exists only in the mind of that person.

 

Minimal/avoiding eye contact, barely speaking, disinterested sounding voice tone, unpleasant facial expression, fidgeting or other bored body language etc. are the mannerisms of shy and standoffish people.

 

Since we can’t read other people’s minds to know if they’re shy or if they're standoffish, it becomes the shy person’s responsibility to change their behavior so that it resembles friendly/personable behavior instead of standoffish behavior.

 

So, the OP should work on changing his RBF, smiling more, and eye contact. He could record himself when speaking to strangers or people he doesn’t know well to make sure that his voice doesn’t sound aggressive or angry. If he works at a desk he can use a small mirror when he talks on the phone to see his facial expressions to make sure that he doesn’t look angry or sad when speaking.

[Chilli]

Well for a start , you say the hottest women in the place has a thing for you , what , not happy with that ? You want them all to have a thjing for ya l mean what the ?

 

But the other thing is , l can't believe how many guys come on here saying women never approach them , what women do all the work there or something , guys all sit around wimping out waiting for them like scare dkids, yaknow , never get it. But eh l'm not in the states if that's where you are but here no way a womens gonna approach you she expect us to approach her. Unless maybe at a party or something if there's a subtle way of doing it for her.

And they aren't gonna walk around with a sign on their head tellin ya how hot you are either.

Unless they're shameless, it'll be much subtler than that.

 

Especially if you were a solid 6'4 guy.

l'm only 6ft yet l've always certainly had to tone myself down a little and have the friendly face on or people will step well around me , even guys.

As long as l'm lookin friendly though they're fine. guys or women so ya might wanna try that.

l also had the clipped for a long time but l grew it out because that def' made a difference too.

Edited February 17, 2018 by Chilli

[act00]

Your sheer height and build can be intimidating all on it's own, but if you have RBF, it compounds that. As a big guy, it's important that you project the soft, giant teddybear. You've gotten pointers on how to adjust your face, remembering what the musculature feels like. The next step is to adjust your social game and conversation skills. Don't approach every female as a prospective date. They are friends, coworkers, patrons. Say hello when passing in the corridor. There are plenty of conversation starters in the workplace, and I would think in a hotel, there could be some interesting stories to tell or converse about. If you checked FB and there was something funny (work appropriate) to share, show it.

 

As someone exceptionally tall, muscular, and athletic...nice eye candy, but there's another factor of intimidation. Even as a thin woman, if she's soft and not athletic or muscular and has no desire to be a gym rat, she may not be interested in you, and/or she may think that there's no way you would be interested in her. She may not want to deal with a man who spends all his free time at the gym and worrying about diet and protein shakes...is there more substance behind "meathead," and is a guy like that going to be okay and interest with someone who is "frumpy" - and I use that term with sarcasm, women can be their own worst enemies, and what would a guy like that want with a girl like me, and will I embarrass him? Will he expect me to bodybuild? Does he want a sports-driven, athletic woman? Does he want to hike and go mountain biking every weekend? Go to sports bars to watch the game?

 

What kind of woman are you seeking? Are you seeking athletic, muscular? If your woman is a little plump and soft, are you okay with that provided you have common interests besides athletics and weight lifting?

 

So to backtrack, I think bettering your social skills will be a huge bonus. Just chat when you can and be that teddy bear. Don't expect women to approach you, but don't focus on prospective dates, focus on just forming regular bonds and conversation. The rest will come. When you come across as more approachable, you might find some women taking that extra time time just stop by and say "Hi" when they have a moment or they're headed out..."I'm headed out, wanted to stop in and say have a nice weekend."

[Purrrfect]

For the record a lot of people Daye coworkers. As long as you don’t make it obvious and break any company policy I don’t see an issue with it.

 

You sound like a good catch. I like confidence. Instead of just saying hi, try “ Good morning how are you today?” That would make me think “ wow he’s nice “ intimidation factor over.

 

Just chat up and be friendly.

[LivingWaterPlease]

GemmaUK's post.

[GemmaUK]

GemmaUK's post.

 

Wow! Thank you LW!

That's something I will take as a big compliment!

I have read this stuff, learned..still and always will be learning, tried things out, epically failed so tried and tried again stiill fail sometimes.... but what you said is a nice thing to hear.

[jgraham11]

Thanks for all the responses and help everyone! My major takeaways from this are just to work on my facial expressions when not communicating and while I am communicating. Also, just to be more outgoing and sociable and not just saying Hi all the time. That of course is the challenge though. Having a good reason to approach someone and start a conversation with them that's more than just Hi how are you? But something to definitely work on more

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wow! Thank you LW!

That's something I will take as a big compliment!

I have read this stuff, learned..still and always will be learning, tried things out, epically failed so tried and tried again stiill fail sometimes.... but what you said is a nice thing to hear.

 

Hugs, GemmaUK! I could tell by reading your post that it was written by someone who knew what she was talking about!

 

All of it was great but two things really resonated with me. One was having the mirrors around to glance at not for vanity but to see what kind of expressions you wear around folks. I have glanced in the mirror unexpectedly a few times and been surprised at what my expression might be saying to others.

 

The other thing was the eyebrow raise with a smile! Very effective! There was a man who every time he saw me broke into a huge open mouthed smile and his eyebrows flew up! Was electric!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for all the responses and help everyone! My major takeaways from this are just to work on my facial expressions when not communicating and while I am communicating. Also, just to be more outgoing and sociable and not just saying Hi all the time. That of course is the challenge though. Having a good reason to approach someone and start a conversation with them that's more than just Hi how are you? But something to definitely work on more

 

Your posts have been open minded and appreciative, jgraham11! Here's something I have learned over time, haven't always been this way. That the main reason for approaching someone or speaking to them is for them, not for me. IOW, how can I make their day better? Cheer up their day, whatever, instead of what do I need from this person? (There have been times when my reason for speaking to people has been selfish, though, sadly! But, always trying to do better! )

 

Not that you come across needy, you don't at all. Just throwing that out there since we're on the topic!

[smackie9]

Women love attention, especially from a guy that is confident and easy going. These women wanted you to follow suite, maybe friendly acknowledgement, witty remark, a sense of humor, soft teasing, a friendly hello how is your day going, or have a good evening as they leave..smile smile smile. I believe you are too up tight or choked up in shyness and expect these women to knock your wall down. Women want to be chased, desired, a man that takes the lead in a first encounter, strike up a conversation, make them feel at ease.

 

I did an experiment at a grocery store where I walked around with a bounce in my step, smile on my face. I had men following me around trying to catch my eye. It got me noticed. I was in sweat pants and a hoodie with very little makeup on. Smiling and showing confidence works like a charm.

[alphamale]

I did an experiment at a grocery store where I walked around with a bounce in my step, smile on my face. I had men following me around trying to catch my eye. It got me noticed. I was in sweat pants and a hoodie with very little makeup on. Smiling and showing confidence works like a charm.

 

I didn't know you were a girl, I thought you were a boy

[alphamale]

to the OP - if you are that tall and good-looking and have half a brain, yes, you are intimidating many girls. good problem to have. take your pick of the litter and enjoy

[smackie9]

I didn't know you were a girl, I thought you were a boy

lol seriously? My avatar isn't female enough? or my profile picture? lol

[alphamale]

lol seriously? My avatar isn't female enough? or my profile picture? lol

 

lol, I never bothered to look, haha, my bad