Would you be upset?

[CantTakeMySmile]

I don't think you like this guy. You seem to pick him apart.

[Gaeta]

I am trying to figure it out. I like him. i am going through a difficult period in my life and he has been very supportive. I can be myself when with him and I do not have to try hard if I don't feel like it.

But, his habits are driving me crazy... or we are just too different, idk... or I might be too difficult.

 

He says a lot of things that he, I think, doesn't really mean or intend to do. I told him that and he said he would try harder but that I need to tell him what I want.

So, he is basically, clueless. He would offer to change oil on my car but then never really ask when is a good time or anything so I can see he really means it. And I usually end up taking the car to my mechanic.

Last night, for example, was the second time he came over to my house. And for the first time, he picked into my bedroom and said " your bed needs a frame. We need to get you a bed frame." I know that he is not going to get me a bed frame (nor do I expect or want him to do that). So, why mention that? I know what i need, and i also know what my priorities are. I have been moving a lot lately and until I buy my own house or at least decide to rent something long term - i am not investing into furniture.

So, we need to get you a bed frame pretty much means "you will get a bed frame and I can go to the store with you."

 

 

Awwwwww ok, so him telling you he got you something for V Day was just another thing to add to this list of 'all words and no actions'. I get you now.

 

On top of that he has habits that are driving you crazy? It sounds like he's getting on your nerves more than the bit of support he is bringing you.

 

One thing he's right about is that you need to verbalize what you want. You may also need to tell him when you want it. Like you could have told him such a day was good to change your oil and you'd cook his favorite. Maybe was he just waiting for you to tell him when was a good time?

[Annalie]

Awwwwww ok, so him telling you he got you something for V Day was just another thing to add to this list of 'all words and no actions'. I get you now.

 

On top of that he has habits that are driving you crazy? It sounds like he's getting on your nerves more than the bit of support he is bringing you.

 

One thing he's right about is that you need to verbalize what you want. You may also need to tell him when you want it. Like you could have told him such a day was good to change your oil and you'd cook his favorite. Maybe was he just waiting for you to tell him when was a good time?

 

Yes, exactly. We just had this fight about "stop saying things/promises" just to say them.

And when he said "I got you something" and then I went into panic mode that I didn't get anything to him, only to discover he didn't get me either as much as he hinted..... ughhhh

 

And then the bed frame " dude, stop saying we. Unless, you are doing something for me, there is no we." If he said "you need a bed frame, or are you getting a bed frame" I wouldn't care. But "we." So, it is mostly the talk, no action habit that gets on my nerves.

[Annalie]

I just read that last update

 

What does he do for work ?

 

Do you make more money than him ?

 

Does he even know how to work on a car ? I mean do you trust him to Do something as simple as an oil change I mean I understand it’s all change I do My oil changes myself but there’s a chance of things like leaving the oil drain plug loose it falls out you run out of oil on the highway there goes your engine or maybe leaving the filter loose etc.

 

He does some business/engineering type of work but he loves to work on his own car so i guess he knows.

Anyway, after our fight he said he would do it over te weekend (last weekend) but it got so cold and I said "you know what it is too cold, I will just get my car to the mechanic." His reply was: "Ok, thank you. I can change it next time." And i was ok with that. But I am not ok with empty promises

[Imajerk17]

Yes, exactly. We just had this fight about "stop saying things/promises" just to say them.

And when he said "I got you something" and then I went into panic mode that I didn't get anything to him, only to discover he didn't get me either as much as he hinted..... ughhhh

 

And then the bed frame " dude, stop saying we. Unless, you are doing something for me, there is no we." If he said "you need a bed frame, or are you getting a bed frame" I wouldn't care. But "we." So, it is mostly the talk, no action habit that gets on my nerves.

 

Well, but Gaeta also mentioned that you need to communicate YOUR needs better too. You didn't seem to mention that here though

 

This whole Valentine's Day fiasco (and your other threads) makes me think that you are just too difficult to be in a relationship in. It sounds to me that you ding this guy for small stuff and don't give him enough credit for the things he does do right. I would have run a long time ago.

 

That he said he got you a gift a week in advance but it looks like he picked stuff up that day, is actually small potatoes if he has been really emotionally supportive to you otherwise. Especially since he actually brought over wine and flowers! Give the guy a break! Maybe he bought the wine a week in advance and that was what he was referring to!

 

And last but not least, you running around to get him a gift because you thought he had something besides wine and flowers....you should be giving gifts because you WANT to be giving gifts not because you feel OBLIGATED. Shouldn't the reason you got him a gift instead be because he has been emotionally supportive to you recently?

Edited February 15, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Annalie]

Awwwwww ok, so him telling you he got you something for V Day was just another thing to add to this list of 'all words and no actions'. I get you now.

 

On top of that he has habits that are driving you crazy? It sounds like he's getting on your nerves more than the bit of support he is bringing you.

 

One thing he's right about is that you need to verbalize what you want. You may also need to tell him when you want it. Like you could have told him such a day was good to change your oil and you'd cook his favorite. Maybe was he just waiting for you to tell him when was a good time?

 

Another thing: I dropped my iphone into water and it stopped working. I called him to go with me to best buy to get a new one and he did. However, at the store I realized that I didnt know what I wanted. The latest iphone was too expensive, older versions were, either expensive too, or not what I wanted.

Since I am going through a hard period I said" let me just get a cheap smart phone till I figure out what I want. When things improve, I will get something better." So, I ended up buying a phone (300$). We took it to T-mobile to get a new SIM card, and the guy who works there said: oh wow, havent seen this phone in a while."

So, we are walking towards te car and my bf says " did you hear that guy. he was impressed by your phone." I looked funny at him and said no he wasnt impressed, everyone has an iphone or samsung phone and he was surprised to see a different brand.

Maybe my bf was trying to make me feel better about the fact that I couldn't afford the phone I wanted but what was he thinking. I am not cognitively impaired, I can hear and understand English.

 

His annoying habits aside, he is a great guy and support to me. For example, if I am upset about some small, not even too important thing, he will be on the phone with me even if he was in a meeting. he would at least text me constantly to make me feel better.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, exactly. We just had this fight about "stop saying things/promises" just to say them..

 

This is a different more troubling problem. It's an ongoing pattern which would upset me too. You weren't upset about the wine & flowers. You were upset about yet another broken promise.

 

This man repeatedly disappoints you. At some point you will conclude that you can deal with this behavior on a long term basis or you will give up on him.

[Annalie]

Well, but Gaeta also mentioned that you need to communicate YOUR needs better too. You didn't seem to mention that here though

 

This whole Valentine's Day fiasco (and your other threads) makes me think that you are just too difficult to be in a relationship in. It sounds to me that you ding this guy for small stuff and don't give him enough credit for the things he does do right. I would have run a long time ago.

 

That he said he got you a gift a week in advance but it looks like he picked stuff up that day, is actually small potatoes if he has been really emotionally supportive to you otherwise. Especially since he actually brought over wine and flowers! Give the guy a break! Maybe he bought the wine a week in advance and that was what he was referring to!

 

And last but not least, you running around to get him a gift because you thought he had something besides wine and flowers....you should be giving gifts because you WANT to be giving gifts not because you feel OBLIGATED. Shouldn't the reason you got him a gift instead be because he has been emotionally supportive to you recently?

 

As I said I am in difficult situation right now. I am too busy, too broke and I am just waiting to be finished with whatever i am dealing with right now. So, i was hoping to just not make a big deal of V day. I cant afford the time to go get a nice gift. I can't afford spending hours online looking for something perfect. So, i kept postponing it and finally, I got into panic mode when I realized I didn't prioritize my bf. But again, I dont believe that giving a gift for V days means you prioritize someone. The fact that I am finding time for him when I am really busy should be a better indicator. Anyway that was my logic.

[Cookiesandough]

Sounds like you guys have a very different idea of what constitutes a good v-day gift

[Annalie]

Sounds like you guys have a very different idea of what constitutes a good v-day gift

 

Hey Cookie,

 

Thanks but i think as other posters said it is a pattern of broken promises/ or just saying things for the sake of saying them that drives me crazy.

 

While it is not exactly a lie, stop saying something that is not true. Also, I don't understand the need to mention flowers. They are just flowers, just bring them and don't make a big deal out of it. I appreciate nice flowers.

[lurker74]

Holy crap. Break up with this guy or he's going to end up with a steak knife in his chest some day. He's not that bad but if his habits or mannerisms drive you that nuts, there is literally no way the relationship can last. I get it...why say you need a bed frame when he's not going to do anything about it? Maybe it was just conversation but it's clear that your feelings for him have fallen to contempt...or close to it.

 

And. There. Is. No. Road. Back. From. Contempt.

 

Do both of yourselves a favor and end this relationship now when you don't really feel like murdering each other.

[smackie9]

Sorry everyone but a BF showing up with bleach stained pants to my house for a date, that doesn't involve painting or working on the house, is a dealbreaker.

 

I like a man that makes an effort to impress his lady.

 

I get it OP, his insistence didn't match his efforts.....and that says a lot.

[Annalie]

Holy crap. Break up with this guy or he's going to end up with a steak knife in his chest some day. He's not that bad but if his habits or mannerisms drive you that nuts, there is literally no way the relationship can last. I get it...why say you need a bed frame when he's not going to do anything about it? Maybe it was just conversation but it's clear that your feelings for him have fallen to contempt...or close to it.

 

And. There. Is. No. Road. Back. From. Contempt.

 

Do both of yourselves a favor and end this relationship now when you don't really feel like murdering each other.

It is not a mention that I need a bed frame. it is "WE need to get you a bed frame"

[lurker74]

It is not a mention that I need a bed frame. it is "WE need to get you a bed frame"

 

Don't misunderstand me. I wasn't being critical or you, him, or anyone's feelings. You do NOT have to justify your feelings to anyone, least of all a bunch of strangers on the interwebs. But you should RECOGNIZE your feelings. Go back and read your posts and they are dripping with contempt for the guy. Maybe it's justified and maybe it's not. We honestly don't know. But it doesn't really matter. There's this guy I used to work with. He was probably nice enough but his mannerisms drove me crazy to the point that every time I saw him do something, I felt contempt for him. It was not justifiable but it was not deniable either. It still haunts me to this day. But I did not have to sleep with him (I'm a hetero male).

 

Whether him saying he got you something and then appeared to not get you something (although perhaps he did and returned it or did and it broke or did and the dog ate it or did and it was wine) is not the point. The point is it caused you to feel contempt.

 

I guess there is a chance you can fix contempt but it ain't bloody likely. And for that reason, you should seriously consider the viability of the relationship.

 

Then again, I'm just some dweeb from the interwebs so keep that in mind.

[kendahke]

Is he always like this and this episode is the straw breaking the camel's back?

 

If so, then I suggest you take a few days to distill your feelings (this thread is helping you to do that) and then speak with him about this pattern of behavior he's been engaging in and ignoring you on. Having your views consistently dismissed is infuriating, but being a silent irate (someone who doesn't speak up but instead stews and drives up your blood pressure) isn't the answer, either.

 

And the sweat pants? Bad form. Perhaps he thought they're easier to get out of since he was only going to be at your house watching tv and eating (and hopefully having sex)... maybe he was dressing to hedge his bets on his luck that evening.

Edited February 15, 2018 by kendahke

[Annalie]

Is he always like this and this episode is the straw breaking the camel's back?

 

If so, then I suggest you take a few days to distill your feelings (this thread is helping you to do that) and then speak with him about this pattern of behavior he's been engaging in and ignoring you on. Having your views consistently dismissed is infuriating, but being a silent irate (someone who doesn't speak up but instead stews and drives up your blood pressure.

 

Well, yes, he has this habit of saying things just for the sake of saying it. Like not even thinking about it... these are usually small things. like "i can change oil on your car" and then he talks about something else. makes me wonder does he really want to do it.

That is why bed frame made me mad too. we need to get you bed frame. I have been struggling a lot lately, but I am doing ok (on my own) and it will be over soon. He hasn't done much in the sense of actual financial help or let's say that oil change... so saying WE need to get you a bed frame makes me angry because, i know he is just saying it.

It is not like he will take me to the store one day and tell me "i am getting this for you, you need it." best case scenario, he will go with me and help me choose one. thats what pisses me off. stop saying empty words because it makes him seem unreliable.

For example, he said if i ever need money he will be there to help me out. I dont know how much i can trust that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Seems to me you don't respect him and are processing this on LS before breaking up with him. It that so?

[kendahke]

. like "i can change oil on your car"

 

"When? What day? Let's go buy the oil and filter..." If he says anything but "OK let's go get it", then tell him "No thanks--I want it done, so I'm taking it to the service station/dealership/Jiffy Lube (or wherever)

 

 

(if you choose to maintain this relationship) he's one of those you're going to have to pin down in the moment

 

we need to get you bed frame.

 

"What's this 'we'? You're buying me a bed frame? Where? Let's go pick one out" or "I don't need one."

 

stop saying empty words because it makes him seem unreliable. he said if i ever need money he will be there to help me out. I dont know how much i can trust that.

 

I think that you need to convey this to him in unmistakable fashion because this is the crux of your matter with him. You can't count on him (and that impacts trust) for anything but hot air and fanciful thinking.

[Annalie]

"When? What day? Let's go buy the oil and filter..." If he says anything but "OK let's go get it", then tell him "No thanks--I want it done, so I'm taking it to the service station/dealership/Jiffy Lube (or wherever)

 

 

(if you choose to maintain this relationship) he's one of those you're going to have to pin down in the moment

 

 

 

"What's this 'we'? You're buying me a bed frame? Where? Let's go pick one out" or "I don't need one."

 

 

 

I think that you need to convey this to him in unmistakable fashion because this is the crux of your matter with him. You can't count on him (and that impacts trust) for anything but hot air and fanciful thinking.

 

You nailed it. And that is what he said that I need to tell him then and there what i need.

And the only problem with me asking "oh when are you changing oil? or are you going to buy it for me?" is that i cant accept something unless i see that the person is honestly offering.

Like if i knew he really didnt mind working on my car. or bed frame, if he really really would want me to have it and he would really want to be the one to get it for me. I don't want him to feel trapped or forced to get it. On the other hand it might teach him a lesson not just to blurt out things he doesn't really mean.

[Annalie]

Seems to me you don't respect him and are processing this on LS before breaking up with him. It that so?

 

I want to like him completely but not sure how to accept these things. I know you can't or want to change people.

[kendahke]

You nailed it. And that is what he said that I need to tell him then and there what i need.

And the only problem with me asking "oh when are you changing oil? or are you going to buy it for me?" is that i cant accept something unless i see that the person is honestly offering.

Like if i knew he really didnt mind working on my car. or bed frame, if he really really would want me to have it and he would really want to be the one to get it for me. I don't want him to feel trapped or forced to get it. On the other hand it might teach him a lesson not just to blurt out things he doesn't really mean.

 

Perhaps you need to tell him "look, don't offer your help, OK? I can't rely on it. I need for it to materialize so I'm not stressing after it because it's not getting done. If you're going to do it, do it--don't talk about it..."

 

Now, that is brutal, granted, but living with high blood pressure behind someone who keeps you angry and frustrated is more brutal--and avoidable.

[Gaeta]

I would not be THAT brutal right away, first try to verbalize what you need and when.

 

You're in the 'getting to know each other' phase, give it a bit of patience. Men are all different. Example I know now if I ask my boyfriend to do something very simple like changing an outside light-bulb he will delay it forever but if I ask his help with somethig big he's all over it right away! Once I mentioned my back steps were rusted, first thing I know he's out sanding them and devoted all his free-time for 3 weeks to sand and repaint them. Now I know how he is because I took time to observe and get to know him.