Lorenza Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 By the way, being self-centered and vain are just bad personality traits. That happens when your parents spoil you too much and/or don't provide you with the right values. You can be a *****y person or have some faulty undesirable characteristics without having a serious personality disorder. A personality disorder is when your brain is wired differently. Someone with a blown up ego can still feel remorse and sympathy. Narcissists/sociopaths can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 "So... I test really high on the narcissist tests. Like really high. I could give you a song and dance about how that isn't a bad thing etc but let's face it, I have a little USC marching band in my head celebrating my awesomeness..." This is a really nauseating sentence to read, that only a narcissist could construct. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Billy Squier, back in the 80's, wrote one perspective on the risks, costs and rewards of 'everybody wants you' whether perceptive or actual. When is the point where ego blends into narcissism? Also, attractiveness has a role here too. A more attractive person will get a stronger pass on narcissistic behaviors than an unattractive person, all else being equal. Also, the more attractive one is, the easier it is to replace one disenchanted human with another fresh example and, with billions on the planet, there's a never-ending supply to nourish the ego. Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 I was involved in an extremely abusive relationship with somebody who most likely is a narcissist. He was sexually and physically abused as a child and was extremely mistrustful , most likely suffered from morbid jealousy. I was accused of numerous things that were not even in reality – He would see me hugging a girlfriend and accuse me of making out with her, I was offering her a hug because she was going through a Trumatic experience with her ex.I took a walk on the beach with his brother-in-law and he accused me of giving him a blowjob because we were out of his sight for 10 minutes. I couldn’t look to my right when we were driving in a car or he would think I was flirting with the person in the car next to us. Absolutely insane things like this. He inspired a lot of anger and rage, I loved him very much except for the fact that he absolutely had no ability to trust and had no capability of being loved because of it. He’s definitely on the narcissist spectrum. His only defense of his behavior was to accuse me of being either a narcissist or having borderline personality disorder despite the fact that the only issue that I have ever had was with him. Even taking a lie detector test to prove that I had not ever cheated on him was not good enough. The only thing that makes him feel good about himself is to place the blame on me and not take any responsibility for himself. The more I think about it, he is a classic narcissist. Please read this, it might Give you some insight on why some people need to classify somebody as a narcissist when in fact they are the narcissist. Yes, people with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) often accuse other people of lots of things, and tend to externalize their feelings as the fault of the other people around them. Many people with personality disorders like NPD or BPD (borderline personality disorder), often have difficulty taking personal responsibility for their own feelings and reactions to events in their life. This may look like them reacting like they are the victim, and blaming everyone else around them anytime they feel angry, hurt, embarrassed, etc. However, it’s also important to remember that the behavior of accusing another person of having NPD, is not enough to assume they have it. Object constancy and splitting: People who suffer from NPD, have great difficulties with maintaining “object constancy”, which is the ability to maintain positive emotional ties to someone when they are hurt, angry, humiliated, insulted, etc. They often go into “splitting”, or switching between seeing other people as “all good” or “all bad” in order to cope with the painful emotional circumstances. For example, when they were a child it would have been too painful to integrate the good version and the bad version of their parent, who they wanted to love and admire, but was constantly hurt them emotionally and/or physically. As a result, most people with NPD learned to cope by switching to viewing the other person as all good, or all bad (splitting). When the other person was all bad, they automatically cutoff their positive emotional tie (lack of object constancy), in order to cope. As an adult, if they experienced someone else as doing something hurtful, against them, humiliating, etc, they then automatically switch to seeing this person as all bad, continuing their unconscious coping mechanisms in order to protect themselves emotionally (like when they were a child). Narcissistic injuries: People who suffer from NPD are constantly feeling narcissistically injured by other people around them, and are particularly sensitive to feelings of shame, guilt, and humiliation. In order to guard themselves from these feelings, they develop very strong defense mechanisms of blaming other people around them for their bad feelings (which might look like calling them a “narcissist”). Most people with NPD are completely unaware that when they are experiencing a narcissistic injury, they are unlikely to be able to see the whole situation realistically and objectively, or be able to tolerate empathizing with the other persons view (as this would bring them back to feeling tremendous shame about their role, guilt, worthlessness, etc). Why “exposing” them does not work: Someone with NPD is not “lying” when they say they feel another person is “a narcissist” or treating them badly. They are really feeling this way, and honestly experiencing the situation they are in as a painful narcissistic injury, (causing them deep hurt, resentment, anger, and/or other negative feelings). This is one of the many reasons that the popular idea of “exposing a narcissist” would be fruitless at best, and likely to be experienced as more external inflammatory victimizing. Someone with NPD is experiencing their whole world in a very different way than a someone who has object constancy and does not struggle with emotional splitting. Example: Imagine you are talking to someone who is convinced the sky the purple. They were taught this from a very young age, it was confirmed throughout their life, and anytime anyone tried to tell them that it was blue, they just felt like they were being called stupid and worthless for believing something that they thought they “knew”, wrong, humiliated, and attacked. It would go against everything they deeply believed. They would not suddenly say, “oh my gosh, you’re right, thank you for telling me I’ll go rethink the way I see the universe!” Instead they would probably defend themselves, feel attacked, feel gaslighted, etc. (perhaps seeing the other person as having NPD), as they would have no awareness that what they learned from a young age had created a distorted view of the sky. The point is… Yes, people who suffer from NPD often feel that it is everyone else in their life who creates the problems they experience. They are not usually lying or purposely gas-lighting (although it is possible in certain circumstances, like with malignant NPD). Instead, they are really perceiving the world around them in the way they are describing. This is one of the reasons that it is very difficult for someone with NPD to gain self-awareness and/or seek treatment in psychotherapy, to work on the emotional and behavioral difficulties that they face. Because, in order to do that, they have to cope with the tremendous shame and guilt that arrises for them in acknowledging that they might be playing a part, or “wrong”, in many of the difficulties that they are facing. Someone who suffers from NPD has been defending themselves against these types of painful feelings their whole life, so it is not an easy thing for most people with NPD to face. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Mmm, ok. I was with one of you once. The way he loved wasn't so bad. It's the way he acted after his love turned to hatred that really left an indelible mark. Never again. Yes, fall in love with a narcissist and they will never be happy until they destroy you. Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 They can only “love” someone that gives them unconditional adoration. Nothing to do with how great that person is. Everything to do how great that person thinks *they* are. If I would come home and wanted to tell my ex something funny or interesting that happened and I would say “you’ll never guess what happened…” He would act like I was trying to humiliate him. Like I was trying to say he was too stupid to guess what happened today. It was really surreal. He is the only person who I have ever known who would act that way. So many little things he did, sometimes you don’t see it until you’re outside of the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Narcissist(ism) is likely the most over used and misapplied word in the English language.. It's become the boilerplate answer to why anyone has ever been dumped or why their relatonship failed... I believe that true narcissists are actually quite rare.. BPD is probably a close second... TFY 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 (edited) Something else narcissists are incapable of: apologizing. You will never get an apology for the abuse, you will never get an apology for all of the things they did to destroy your life. They are not capable of apologizing. It is the biggest tell of a narcissist. They will not apologize for beating you, they will not apologize for anything they did to make an attempt on destroying your life To the OP- You don’t sound like a narcissist to me. You sound a little bit self-centered and vain maybe. You don’t sound evil. A narcissist is a devil. pure evil. Edited February 18, 2018 by NotASkunk Too personal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Narcissist(ism) is likely the most over used and misapplied word in the English language.. It's become the boilerplate answer to why anyone has ever been dumped or why their relatonship failed... I believe that true narcissists are actually quite rare.. BPD is probably a close second... TFY This, this, this! I see so many people here diagnose their male exes as narcissists and their female exes as BPD, as though the only way they can make sense of the relationship is to decide their former partner was mentally unwell. But personality disorders aren't like regular illnesses or even mood disorders; they're just frameworks designed to guide treatment from certain conditions. Just because someone treated you poorly and was immature about it doesn't make them sick! People are weird and full of contradictions; the things they do don't often make sense to anyone else. It's not mental illness, it's just being human. The experience Lorenza describes is a really good example of a legitimate narcissist. In my life I have only known one person well who probably met the standard for narcissism, and he was a bizarrely compelling monster. He was so charming you actually wanted to be a part of his self-worshipping nonsense because he made it seem so real EVEN AS you recognized he was a complete tool. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Gaston from beauty and the beast was a narcissist. If you remember there were girls who liked him and girls (like Belle) who didn’t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 We are all narcissists during a breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 I'm told my exH is very likely a malevolent narcissist by mental health specialists I talked to after my divorce, and by family members around me who saw how he treated me. All I know is that he is a mentally very unstable guy, and there is nothing I can find in his defence to mitigate his actions. People who know the difference between right and wrong and consistently choose wrong for their own benefit are not really deserving of any defence. Being a fully fledged narcissist is NOT something you want to shout from the roof tops like something to be proud of. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 (edited) I'm told my exH is very likely a malevolent narcissist by mental health specialists I talked to after my divorce, and by family members around me who saw how he treated me. All I know is that he is a mentally very unstable guy, and there is nothing I can find in his defence to mitigate his actions. People who know the difference between right and wrong and consistently choose wrong for their own benefit are not really deserving of any defence. Being a fully fledged narcissist is NOT something you want to shout from the roof tops like something to be proud of. While I obviously can't say for sure, it's entirely possible that all of the bad traits he displayed were situational while he was with you..With someone else, or if alone, it's quite possible that none of those traits would be shown...That's why this type of behavior is very hard to accurately characterize as inherent in that individual under all conditions... Like true narcissists rarely even hold a job where they aren't in complete control of everything....Most are self employed as they feel that no one can manage/train/whatever better than they can... Actually the world needs narcissists...They make the best leaders,CEO's, head coaches, military commanders, etc...In those endeavors its actually a preferred personality type and essential to success ... TFY Edited February 18, 2018 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 (edited) While I obviously can't say for sure, it's entirely possible that all of the bad traits he displayed were situational while he was with you..With someone else, or if alone, it's quite possible that none of those traits would be shown...That's why this type of behavior is very hard to accurately characterize as inherent in that individual under all conditions... Like true narcissists rarely even hold a job where they aren't in complete control of everything....Most are self employed as they feel that no one can manage/train/whatever better than they can... Actually the world needs narcissists...They make the best leaders,CEO's, head coaches, military commanders, etc...In those endeavors its actually a preferred personality type and essential to success ... TFY You're right, you can't say for sure. Mental health specialists can have a good idea though, and those I spoke to seem pretty certain. His mother herself, who has obviously known him longer than I did, is convinced that he is because he was awful to her too. These disorders are notorioriously difficult to diagnose, mainly because the potential candidates for NPD are manipulative and uncooperative and would lie when it comes to getting checked out. NPD is a spectrum disorder that can not be cured (a little like autism, which I know a great deal about as I am one) but these people are very good at wearing a pretend mask; my exH was a master at fooling people into how he was an unrecognised genius. The label itself doesn't really matter I suppose, and only people who really know him can testify to how much of an uncaring, profiteering, self-centered, parasitic man he is - even to his own children. You don't have to take my word for it (I don't need your validation), and I don't know what you call 'situational' but I personally draw the line at hurting your own kids. If that flies with you, fair enough. And you don't have to be a ruthless dick to be a successful CEO. Just saying. Edited February 18, 2018 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 This, this, this! I see so many people here diagnose their male exes as narcissists and their female exes as BPD, as though the only way they can make sense of the relationship is to decide their former partner was mentally unwell. But personality disorders aren't like regular illnesses or even mood disorders; they're just frameworks designed to guide treatment from certain conditions. Just because someone treated you poorly and was immature about it doesn't make them sick! People are weird and full of contradictions; the things they do don't often make sense to anyone else. It's not mental illness, it's just being human. The experience Lorenza describes is a really good example of a legitimate narcissist. In my life I have only known one person well who probably met the standard for narcissism, and he was a bizarrely compelling monster. He was so charming you actually wanted to be a part of his self-worshipping nonsense because he made it seem so real EVEN AS you recognized he was a complete tool. Perfectly said. I think a lot of people lie along the spectrum of narcissism. Within a bad break up there is a great need to finger point. Especially when somebody is not able to be accountable for their own bad behavior. And when I say bad behavior, that could stem from something that isn’t even in their control. Abuse in childhood, for instance. Instead of being accountable, recognizing what is really true, making Apologies where necessary, they resort to the only way they know how—to accuse the other person of being a narcissist. Because certainly the blame didn’t lie anywhere with them! Oh brother. Thank you for your input, very much struck a chord with me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I score high on narcissist tests too, but since I also score high on empathy, I'm not the most annoying kind. I'm more the celebrity kind of narcissist, that had to become one to succeed in their field. I know two narcissists well. Both of them really feel everyone, even strangers, should prioritize THEIR needs. I'm not like that, but I will go at someone like a hyena if they're giving me trouble, you know, like AT&T or someone like that. And I am selfish about my life. It is rare I have ever spent time doing something I don't want to do except in order to make money to pay the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Well that went over like a lead balloon... Ok so maybe I am not a narcissist and just have too much self esteem... You're mistaking Narcissistic character traits and tendencies with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You may well be completely self absorbed, but that doesn't mean you have NPD. Others in this thread have highlighted what real NPD is like. I wouldn't be too keen on wearing that kind of illness like a badge of honor. Link to post Share on other sites
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