My ex has moved on, but still checks up on me

[PegNosePete]

THIS IS MY QUESTION: Why would someone start checking on on their ex as soon as they start a new relationship?

Why do you keep asking that question? Are you not satisfied with the answers you've gotten so far?

 

Your relationship is OVER. Obsessing over why she's doing what she's doing and what it means is not going to help you one bit. In fact quite the opposite. Just assume that the reason for her doing it is because she's madder than a box of frogs. Now BLOCK her and move on!

[tokidoki]

you know what, I think that's true. I have blocked her, and I am moving on. But I'm still puzzled. **** it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I should add that there are plenty of people whom I am able to check on and I would love to, but I never have, because I wouldn't want to give the impression I was thinking about them, stalking them. Isn't this why one has social media, to look at other's?

 

Its a blatant way to do it, and SHE KNOWS I WILL SEE IT. It doesn't appear she cares if you see it. This is the thing. Maybe its not coming accross right but she is prone to attention seeking (cryptic fb statuses, complaining about being ill)... this is kinda why I got pissed off, cos I gave her the benefit of the doubt in thinking it was for a nice reason, but really it just kinda seems like she's on the wind up.

Maybe she is seeking attention. Maybe she wants to be friendly with you. Maybe she is trying to make you mad? Maybe she isn't putting nearly that much thought into it.

 

I think you are putting way to much thought into social media. Have you thought about just communicating with her to see what she wants, since it seems to bother you so much? If not, just block her, and be done with it.

[Hoosfoos]

you know what, I think that's true. I have blocked her, and I am moving on. But I'm still puzzled. **** it.

 

You have absolutely done the right thing. If you have doubts about it, time will prove you to be right.

[CaliBabe]

THIS IS MY QUESTION: Why would someone start checking on on their ex as soon as they start a new relationship?

 

Who knows why... none of us can give you an exact answer. Many posters have told you it was most likely out of curiosity.

 

Anything short of her saying: "I screwed up, please let me work this out with you, I will do anything"

 

Anything short of those words means absolutely nothing. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to guess. Enjoy your travels and start NC over again. Good luck.

[Bromeo]

My ex put me through the ringer, albeit mostly my fault. Every time I’d back away, she reach out, and play hot and cold games.

 

It literally drove me nuts. I finally cut her off for good in January of 17.

 

July of 17 she was liking pictures on my page. She hadn’t done that our entire 1.5 years together.

 

I engaged in some overthinking, as you are, but after a year of being apart, and the mess I was previously due to her, I changed my number on Fb and blocked her. I just couldn’t be that crazy person again.

 

I didn’t care about why, I didn’t mean enough to rate a call or text from her, and that was enough for me.

 

Social media means nothing, and is the lazy persons way of asking for attention.

 

Food for thought. Be safe.

[tokidoki]

Yeah it feels very similar to my situation. This isn't the first time she's made a bid for my attention since we broke up. And because I felt like I had moved on some way and accepted the breakup, that she was maybe coming back to me (although there was no way of getting back together for at least 3 months, as I was away). I realize now that trying to get someone's attention is more in service of oneself, looking for an ego boost rather than anything else. So sad that people feel the need to do it. There was so much that I'd ignored and kept quiet about up to that point. NC it is forevermore.

[tokidoki]

This is a long one, but I wanted to be as detailed and as objective as possible.

 

 

I dated a girl for 5 months.

 

When we first started going out, She was really, really into me and made no bones about telling me, even to the point where I felt that she might be a little clingy, but on the advice of friends, I continued with it. I did at one point have to say to her, whilst I was on vacation and she was texting me loads, that I would get in touch with her when I was back.

 

We dated for about 5 months, and things were absolutely great. We had one or two minor arguments. On a couple of occasions, she said to me ‘if you keep making those gaffes, I will end up going off you so just be careful’. After the second time I told her that she could tell me off, but it wasn’t fair for her to threaten me like that. Every now and again she would get ill, but in doing so would become sort of angry and project that on to me, at one time claiming it was weird that we’d never spoken on the phone. I thought this was just attention seeking and starting arguments for the sake of it, but thought its just what girls are like sometimes. As well as this, I occasionally got the feeling that her ex-boyfriend might still be in the picture. She talked about him occasionally, they still had a dog together, and one time after she put a pic of us on IG, she said to me ‘I got a like from my ex!’, which I thought was a little weird, but nothing worth causing an argument over.

 

Anyway, apart from these little things, everything was great. We told each other that we were in love. We were very much at the peak of our relationship when things started to go south. It was her birthday, and we were out at a club. One of her friends was dressed very ‘provocatively’ shall we say, and I made the comment to my gf that she was ‘rather sexy’. I meant it in a totally objective way, and wasn’t even meaning to be complimentary, more just commenting on what an eyeful she was. Naturally, my girlfriend got very pissed off, and I apologised profusely and tried to explain myself. Eventually, I just let it lie and she calmed down. I stayed the night with her and she said ‘you might think I over-reacted but I think I had a right to get angry’, which tbh I totally agreed with. I felt stupid for saying it at all, and I felt ****ty that I’d pissed her off.

 

The next day things were a little awkward, so we spoke on the phone. She told me that the night before she had been considering breaking up with me because of it. Again, I said to her that she was ok to tell me off, but openly hypothesising a break up makes the relationship seem very fragile, to which she said ‘what are you saying, that you want to end it??’, which I thought was odd. I explained that I didn’t want to end it, but I now felt like she did. She assured me she didn’t, but I couldn’t help but feel insecure. I then asked if she was still up for the plans next weekend, and she said yeah, but she had also thought about not coming to that. I said that that’d be silly and that she should come. she agreed, but with a sort of ‘OK, Fine’ attitude. At the end of the convo, I told her I loved her, to which she replied ‘I know’. I said 'well that’s nice', after which she said, you know I love you. Looking back on this convo now, I know that I would definitely have come across as insecure and whiney.

 

This is where I began to make mistakes. I should have backed away, and just left it alone, but I felt myself finding excuses to message her. ‘D’you still want to get tickets to that thing?’..’Guess who I saw on the train platform?’ etc. I should add that this sort of thing wasn’t out of the ordinary for when the relationship was going well. We would text all the time about nothing. I tried to go back to normal but in hindsight I was forcing it a bit, and I could feel her beginning to pull away.

 

I sent her a message saying ‘look this feels weird now so I’m going to shut up for a bit. Maybe see you on the weekend’. Another mistake on my part. Should’ve just left it. She replied the next morning saying ‘everything’s fine, I just went to bed early I want to see you on the weekend as I miss you’. I said I know, I’m just overthinking and making myself cringe. I could definitely feel a bit of a distance growing between us. We hung out at the weekend, and it was fine, and it seemed to be back to normal, she told me she loved me once or twice in passing.

 

The following weekend was my birthday, we had made plans to stay at a friend’s house together. She called me on the Wednesday night, and she seemed in a pissy mood. I could feel her rolling her eyes at everything I said. She told me ‘I’m going to come out, but then I’m going to stay with a friend because she’s having a personal crisis and doesn’t want to be alone’. I thought this was a little stupid, but I said that’s fine, but see out the night with me. She said ‘you don’t seem that bothered’. I thought that was odd.

 

This really didn’t sit right with me and I thought about it for the next day or so. I decided to call her and I said ‘look, what’s this really about?’. She said that she’d started to feel a real distance from me since the argument on her birthday (a week and a half earlier), and that she didn’t know where her head was at. She said she ‘really liked me’, but not ‘loved me’. I said I didn’t want to lose her, so lets talk about it. She recounted all the arguments that we’d had up to this point, and explained again why they upset her. She said she often didn’t understand what I meant by things, and listed a few comments that I’d made. One in particular was when some friends of mine left my house, she kept saying ‘Its a shame they didn’t want to stay/come on a walk with us’. She said it a few times and I said jokingly, ‘are you missing them?’. She interpreted this as me commenting that she fancies one of them, which is a real reach. Again, I thought this might be symptomatic of an insecurity. I said there are plenty of things she’d said in the past that I didn’t really like, but I haven’t kept a log of them to bring up whenever I get upset. I started to feel a bit manipulated. We ended the conversation, she was frustrated and I was pissed off.

 

Next night we’re set to go out and she seems peppy again, but I was still pretty wound up. She said ‘are you sure you want me to come?’ (I’d never expressed anything to the contrary), to which I said ‘absolutely’. She arrived, and said that I didn’t need to ‘act weird’. We continued the night and it was largely fun, apart from a couple of incidents. She and I spent about 15-20 mins in separate conversations after which she said ‘I feel like you don’t want to talk to me’…again I don’t know what I was doing to give that impression. Later she wanted to kiss me when it was us and one other person sitting opposite us on the table. I find PDA a little cringe so I was resistant, which again, annoyed her. When the time came for her to leave and go to her mates house, I asked her to come with me instead. She said no as her mate had already booked her a cab, and when I said OK, she stormed off in a huff. I told her not to end the night like that so we hugged and kissed and off she went. I felt confused about it, as I didn’t see what I did wrong. She called me from the cab saying ‘this is where we clash!’, and I said I had no idea what the problem was.

 

The next day, we drove home together. She was acting distant and aloof again, but told me I seemed in a bad mood. (I was stunningly hungover). She seemed annoyed that I hadn’t mentioned that she was acting weird, so I said do you want to talk about this distance thing. We had a long chat and I said that I know I became a bit overbearing at one stage, and that it isn’t attractive. I said whether she loves me right now or not, She should give me the chance to go back to being the person she fell in love with. I said lets have a bit of space and not see each other next weekend. Also she said she didn’t feel comfortable coming to dinner on my birthday with my parents whilst we were in this situation. I thought this was a little melodramatic, but decided to abide it for the greater good. The chat was long but i felt good and that I’d atoned for the mistakes I’d made to a degree. She seemed impressed with how I expressed myself, and agreed with everything I said. After we parted ways, she sent me a voice note saying she felt a bit **** but that she really cared about me. The next day she sent me a little kissy emoji.

 

Tuesday was my actual birthday. She sent me a HB text early in the morning, to which I replied thanks. later in the day, she texted me saying I hope you had a good day so far. I said she was still welcome to come to the dinner, to which she replied with a long, rambling text about how low she was feeling about the situation, but that she still felt she couldn’t come. She also claimed “i’m not trying to play games’. All I heard was ‘me, me, me, me me’. I replied saying there’s no need to feel low, and that I’d see her soon.

 

Two days later, she blocked me on Instagram and unblocked me again. I know this because we had to refollow each other. I sent her a text checking in asking how she was, which she took hours to respond to, but not before correcting the IG situation. I didn’t mention it. We had a brief, boring conversation. Later that evening, she posted a FB status saying ‘no-ones ever come close’. I felt really freaked out. I asked mates and they said just ignore it, so I did.

 

On the Sunday night, I checked in with her again, and said good luck with a charity thing she was doing, and that I’d donated. I said maybe see her the following weekend, but she said I’m around on Sunday. I said OK, let me check. She didn’t respond for two days, until she said yeah sunday is good. I said OK, I’ll meet you on the high street at 12, again no response whatsoever to confirm. Come Saturday night, I’m sick of the situation, and texted her saying if she’s not going to confirm, then I’ll just take a rain check. She replied to that one straight away saying ‘sad that you’re going to leave the last five months like that’. I don’t know where she got the impression I wanted to end it.

 

She called me on the phone and said ‘I was going to tell you that it wasn’t going to work’ - And I said that I knew that (I could feel it for a long time), and that under the circumstances playing silly games by taking two days to reply isn’t really on (didn't mention the status or the IG thing). She burst in to tears claiming ‘I’m a terrible person!’, and proceeded to give a load of bull**** excuses for breaking up, the subtext of which was the classic ‘its not you its me’. I said fine, I understand, and again, she moaned that I didn’t seem very bothered. Truth is at this stage I was sick of the silliness. It wasn’t until after we said goodbye and were about to hang up that she stopped to ask me what I was going to say. I told her it simply didn’t matter at this stage.

 

A few days later, I posted a picture of a ticket to Japan. I had always planned to go for a few months and had discussed it with her. Her fb status after that was ‘Wow, Youre so Cool’, and then lots of pictures ostensibly reminiscing about her time with her ex. similarly, All her instagram stories were of attractive actors. Weird. I thought I don’t need to see this, so I unfollowed her. She unfriended me on fb in retaliation.

 

She said she’d send me my bday present in the post, which she did, two weeks later. I sent her a text thanking her, and told her that I was going to Japan for the next three months. She replied hours later, seemingly supportive. we had a brief chat but nothing that exciting. I mentioned the FB thing and she said it was cos she saw I unfollowed her on IG. I explained that was for me to move on, not to spite her.

 

Got through Xmas and New Year without Contacting, although I missed her terribly. A day or two before I left for Japan, (I know I shouldn’t have done this, but at the time I didn’t really see the harm), I asked her to send me the name of an agent again, as I had deleted the text. We had a pleasant conversation, with no bitterness, and I actually felt a lot better afterwards.

 

For the first two weeks I was in Japan, she watched every single IG story I posted. I tried to ignore it but it happened daily. I figured she was looking to reconnect (maybe considering the nature of our previous interaction), so rather than block her, I thought I’d just re-add her, and maybe we’d end up talking again. I did really miss talking to her. She accepted the request. Nice! No. Turns out she’s been seeing someone new since before xmas, and was posting loads about it. I should have known it was another silly social media attention seeking game, but I rose to it. I told her that I re-added her because she’s been watching my story every day (god knows why), but It was a mistake. I’ll remove you again but don’t nosey into my life like that, its not on. She ended it and if she’s moving on, she needs to let me do the same. She told me to ‘get over myself’ and that asking for the agent was just as confusing. She then blocked me on IG AND Facebook (despite not being friends anyway). This was two months ago and she has since unblocked me on both. I didn’t check, It was when looking through chats that I spotted her name again.

 

Is it just me, or is this girl totally mental? Can anyone explain any of this behaviour, or is it just plain craziness?

[CantTakeMySmile]

ok, so as a quick recap. this is mostly about social media behavior? Blocking, unblocking, unfollowing, undoing... lol... I don't know all the lingo.

 

 

But, it seems to be about social media. And the games you both played on social media to get each other's attention, because it would be too "obvious" to actually just have a conversation about it? RIght?

 

 

 

 

Well, what is the problem? I really don't understand now. She wanted to follow you and you were cool with it. WHy are you not cool with it now?

[tokidoki]

What games did I play on social media? I did nothing at all...Besides the social media thing is only a small part of it. I think the issue more is trying to start drama and then becoming frustrated when the SO doesn't rise to it, so she resorts to using social media when really, she should just forego it completely and engage in a conversation.

Edited March 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Zahara]

Social media drama with all the block/unblocking and passive aggressive behavior on her part. I don't think she's mental but just lacks maturity based on your version of what transpired between the two of you.

 

Now that she has unblocked you, remove her permanently to stop the game playing.

[hippychick3]

It sounds like she was either still seeing her ex on the side and/or had someone else waiting in the wings hence her hot and cold behavior with you.

 

She seems very immature and not good relationship material.

[tokidoki]

Social media drama with all the block/unblocking and passive aggressive behavior on her part. I don't think she's mental but just lacks maturity based on your version of what transpired between the two of you.

 

Now that she has unblocked you, remove her permanently to stop the game playing.

 

Yeah I agree. I should add she's 29. Way, way too old to be doing this kind of thing. Do you think the social media drama, and the threatening to break up/trying to start drama are two sides of the same coin?

[Zahara]

Yeah I agree. I should add she's 29. Way, way too old to be doing this kind of thing. Do you think the social media drama, and the threatening to break up/trying to start drama are two sides of the same coin?

 

Age has nothing to do with it. I dated a man that behaved the same way and he was 42.

 

All symptoms of dysfunction.

[CantTakeMySmile]

What games did I play on social media? I did nothing at all...Besides the social media thing is only a small part of it. I think the issue more is trying to start drama and then becoming frustrated when the SO doesn't rise to it, so she resorts to using social media when really, she should just forego it completely and engage in a conversation.

 

 

 

I admit I did not read all that. I saw social media mentioned a dozen times or so and liking posts and unblocking people and attaching meaning to it. That is what I was referring to. Sorry, if my post was unclear.

 

 

With that being said, what is the problem with being friends on social media now?

Edited March 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[breadbin]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn from it. I don't think it's crazy behaviour. I'd say it happens quite often, fairly normal actually. When 2 people are in a relationship and then one of them feels it's not right this sort of stuff happens.

 

It sounds like she realised you weren't right for her and then she didn't know how to end it without hurting you. Don't blame yourself, you sound like a decent guy and she knows that. She probably wants to stay on good terms with you but with pride and stubbornness, guilt all mixed in together it might be hard. I don't think you made mistakes as such, but you have to learn for the next time.

 

The quickest way to get over her is to block her and move on. Once you are over her then you can try and be friendly. That could take years.

[tokidoki]

I admit I did not read all that. I saw social media mentioned a dozen times or so and liking posts and unblocking people and attaching meaning to it. That is what I was referring to. Sorry, if my post was unclear.

 

 

With that being said, what is the problem with being friends on social media now?

 

Well yeah, using Social Media like that IS petty and passive aggressive and immature. That's my question.

 

I don't want to be friends on social media for the sake of sparing myself more of this un-necessary aggravation. It'd be fine if she didn't use it as an emotional weapon, but she's proved time and again that she does. Why would I wana deal with that?

Edited March 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl was far too much work from the get-go, and far too immature.

 

I suspect you were not the only guy on her mind or in her life, and she came to you when she wasn't getting attention from him. She was never all-in with you, in any case.

 

Her silly behaviour on social media is the stuff of highschool kids. It speaks to her overall mentality and maturity level.

 

She's not necessarily mental, but she's attention-seeking and far younger (emotionally) than her chronological age. Not girlfriend material at all.

[tokidoki]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn from it. I don't think it's crazy behaviour. I'd say it happens quite often, fairly normal actually. When 2 people are in a relationship and then one of them feels it's not right this sort of stuff happens.

 

Surely most emotionally stable and mature people wouldn’t bother with any of this social media drama? It just makes things worse. If she had just stayed silent she would still be communicating that it wasn’t working...as there still would have been a marked difference from how things were before. I similarly felt agitated and confused but I never even considered sending passive aggressive messages through facebook and instagram. Its the coward’s way of communicatng and honestly, is totally anathema to me. It wasn’t until she started doing this that my feeling that she might be a total basket case was more or less confirmed. I don’t use social media for anything other than posting my artwork for exposure, and occasionally organizing event. I scroll through it when i’m bored on the train or something but i even feel like that is too much. I honestly think the world was a far, far better place without it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Well yeah, using Social Media like that IS petty and passive aggressive and immature. That's my question.

 

I don't want to be friends on social media for the sake of sparing myself more of this un-necessary aggravation. It'd be fine if she didn't use it as an emotional weapon, but she's proved time and again that she does. Why would I wana deal with that?

 

 

I was under the impression that you had move on emotionally from this relationship more than I guess you have. I thought you missed talking to her (not trying to reconnect in a romantic way) so you added her on Instagram. I guess you thought she wasn't dating someone, but when you found out she was, you deleted her. Anyways, I get it now. I thought you were over her and were looking to regain contact as friends. If it makes you emotional, then I would want to deal with it either.

Edited March 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[tokidoki]

Naturallt I still had some emotionality about the situation. I wasn’t 100% ‘over her’, but I was on my way. As I said, I didn’t just do it out of the blue cos i missed her...she was looking at all my stories despite not following (had to look me ip each day to do that)...she’s no stranger to the format and knew i would see her doing this. I thought maybe she was trying to reach out without making herself too vulnerable. I missed talking to her and the ‘what if’ feeling got the better of me. I was going to be away for the next 3 months, I hardly expected that we’d get back together any tine soon but I was up for reconnecting a little as it seemed she wanted to. She was already seeing someone new, but still felt the need to nosey into my life on a daily basis, wixh I still find baffling. The fact that she ended it and has already moved on, you’d think she’d just let me do the same and not give any suggestion otherwise. Anything other than that is pure mind games, and further evidence of chronic insecurity and immaturity.

Edited March 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[marky00]

You never really know why they do it.

 

Worst case scenario, she's trying to get some sort of reaction out of you. It's probably not malicious, just something that happens on a sub-conscious level. Sometimes dumpers prefer it when the bridge is burned completely, the BU may feel more "final" which means getting on to grieving faster.

 

If there was no conflict at the end or very little, she may be trying to unhinge you in some way (possibly to get a reaction). Again, as I said, its probably something happening at the sub-conscious level.

 

Best thing you can do is stay the course and do not react in anyway. If you end up in an exchange with her, you might say something you regret or get angry etc which will give exactly what she is fishing for. Your poor behavior would give her a nice impetus to move on completely.

 

Now as I said, that would be worst case scenario. The situation might be more matter of fact and some of those social media interactions may have not been aimed at you directly.

 

Since we don't know what's behind it, it's best to stick NC all the way. That way you cover yourself if she is indeed looking to get a reaction from you.

[tokidoki]

You never really know why they do it.

 

Worst case scenario, she's trying to get some sort of reaction out of you. It's probably not malicious, just something that happens on a sub-conscious level. Sometimes dumpers prefer it when the bridge is burned completely, the BU may feel more "final" which means getting on to grieving faster.

 

If there was no conflict at the end or very little, she may be trying to unhinge you in some way (possibly to get a reaction). Again, as I said, its probably something happening at the sub-conscious level.

 

Best thing you can do is stay the course and do not react in anyway. If you end up in an exchange with her, you might say something you regret or get angry etc which will give exactly what she is fishing for. Your poor behavior would give her a nice impetus to move on completely.

 

Now as I said, that would be worst case scenario. The situation might be more matter of fact and some of those social media interactions may have not been aimed at you directly.

 

Since we don't know what's behind it, it's best to stick NC all the way. That way you cover yourself if she is indeed looking to get a reaction from you.

 

Yeah, i agree. I did admonish myself a little but to be honest, there was so much up to that point that I’d ignored. I feel like I embarrasssed her and made her look a bit stupid, and as of now I’m actually glad I called her out on her juvenile behaviour at least once. Safe to say the feeling of being open to reconnect has totally disappeared and I have no intention of ever talking to her again. She’s pure trouble, and I needn’t waste my time. God knows what her ex was doing still hanging on whilst she was seeing other guys.

[BluesPower]

Yes totally mental.

 

Your only mistake was not ending it sooner...