Me and my (ex)stepmother so messed up.

[FMW]

The line work sounds like an amazing opportunity for you to become financially independent, get away from your grandfather, and start fresh in all areas of your life. Getting some distance from your current day to day situation will undoubtedly improve your outlook and confidence.

[callmegm]

Was the oven on?!!! Was the baby ok? I've seen my mother do things similar. No babies but still. I had to put out a few fires in my life because of her. First fire I put out I must have been 10 or so. Thank god I knew what to do. last fire was last year at chistmas new uear time. She broke her back while drunk on a dirt bike now she walked like an 90 year old woman. Her liver is failing and she is abusing med as well.

 

Holy hell, same question, wass the baby okay?????

 

 

And Adotta, reading your struggles and seeing how you're working so hard to be in a better place is so wonderful. I do agree with the others here that it would be best to completely block her from your life - and I also know that that's easier said than done because it's hard when you have very strong emotions for someone, especially when it is such a toxic relationship.

 

But take it step by step, slowly and before you know it you'll back and see you've climbed over a mountain.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm having a hard time sleeping so I figured I'd just get a start on my day and post here. It's 5 in the morning. sorry for not updating yesterday.

 

Glad you're up and about and doing well, Adotta! Hope you've had a good day!

 

She's still calling and texting but it's slowing down. My emotions seem a little more in control. I've made arrangements to meet with a counselor at the church almost literally right down the street. I was informed they are a professional. I'll give it a try before drawing conclusions.

 

Just checking in as to keep my word that I'd post later. Not sure I have much to add. But, when is your apt with the counselor?

 

Going no contact is the next step for me I guess but it will be hard. I've blocked her number half a dozen times and then unblocked it within 10 minutes every time. I hate myself for it but I have to see what she texts. I think I want to believe this isn't real. I want to believe she really cares.

 

She probably believes she cares for you, Adotta. But, her behavior has been pretty selfish and that's not caring for anyone at all as you probably know.

 

if I was just groomed as you guys say what does that make me?

 

You were a child who was taken advantage of. Now that you've grown up you're beginning to see it for what it was and taking steps to heal from it.

 

I don't want to be a victim I want it to be real. Even if her and I can never be together. I want the emotions she claimed to have for me to be real.

 

She most probably believed it was real, but since she's unstable nothing is ever really real for her. Everything is subject to change depending on her selfish whims and desires.

 

I keep hoping all the twisted and awful things she said where just said in hurt. maybe she didn't mean them.

 

She was speaking to you from her pain and insecurity. As I wrote above, she's unstable so that her words regarding you and toward anyone, actually, aren't going remain consistent.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know why it matters to me. I have written 3 texts to her then deleted them. asking if she meant those insults. I've been getting shakes while I reread her texts over and over. I have to stop, it's pathetic. I think roads is right but it's hard.

 

I feel like I'm making 2 steps forward and 1 big step back.

 

It's a journey, Adotta. But, the best thing about it is that you've wanted to progress in your life and you've been taking steps to do so.

 

I haven't been answering her calls or responding to texts at all. I stopped that mid day yesterday. That's one victory I guess.

 

Most definitely a victory!

 

I'm going to get started on my morning jog. It's snowing but what the hell. Jogs always calm me down. It helps clear my head. I'll try to beat my best time today.

 

Exercise is going to be one of your best friends on this journey! Good for you keeping up with it!

 

Thanks for the support guys.

 

You definitely have a lot of support on this forum!

 

 

Looking forward to keeping up with your journey, Adotta!

[Adotta]

Living water my apt. Is for this Wednesday. they seemed happy to help and arrange this. They assured me my lack of faith would not effect thier willingness to help. I wasn't expecting an appointment so soon. I don't know how much I will be able to say but I'll try. I'm both excited for and dreading this appointment. I think the fact that the one who will be helping me is an much older woman is more comforting. She sounds extremely kind and understanding. She's a somewhat newly retired councilor who offers her service for free through the church. We talked for a bit and she explained some about herself and what to expect. I didn't get into any details but I think she somwhat understood.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Living water my apt. Is for this Wednesday. they seemed happy to help and arrange this. They assured me my lack of faith would not effect thier willingness to help. I wasn't expecting an appointment so soon. I don't know how much I will be able to say but I'll try. I'm both excited for and dreading this appointment. I think the fact that the one who will be helping me is an much older woman is more comforting. She sounds extremely kind and understanding. She's a somewhat newly retired psychologist who offers her service for free through the church. We talked for a bit and she explained some about herself and what to expect. I didn't get into any details but I think she somwhat understood.

 

I think you're going to be surprised at how much you're going to love counseling.

[Adotta]

I actually thought councilor and psychologist was an interchangeable term but I guess not. I changed it in my last post right before you commented cautiously optimistic. Lol learn somthing new every day. Hopefully I'm not so bad I need a psychologist.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Living water my apt. Is for this Wednesday. they seemed happy to help and arrange this. They assured me my lack of faith would not effect thier willingness to help. I wasn't expecting an appointment so soon. I don't know how much I will be able to say but I'll try. I'm both excited for and dreading this appointment. I think the fact that the one who will be helping me is an much older woman is more comforting. She sounds extremely kind and understanding. She's a somewhat newly retired councilor who offers her service for free through the church. We talked for a bit and she explained some about herself and what to expect. I didn't get into any details but I think she somwhat understood.

 

Well, this makes my day! Seems to me this woman may be a very good counselor for you. That's what you need, imo, someone you can actually see, sit with, talk to, process with.

 

I actually thought councilor and psychologist was an interchangeable term but I guess not. I changed it in my last post right before you commented cautiously optimistic. Lol learn somthing new every day. Hopefully I'm not so bad I need a psychologist.

 

A counselor or psychologist would be fine for anyone who just needs guidance processing some issues. A psychiatrist is an MD who gives meds and treats mental illness. I dated a psychologist for many years and he was great to process anything at all with. In order to get a PhD he had to actually go through a lot of therapy himself. Guess that's part of their training.

 

But, a counselor will be good, too. A lot depends on the person. Someone I care about very much went to a counselor last year who was in such demand she charged three times the amount of a psychologist and she had plenty of business.

 

But, anyway, this all sounds great to me. And she's close by, too! Thanks for letting us know. Will be good to hear how it all goes, if you want to share. If not, that's fine, too.

 

How are you holding out with your "ex step?" Do you have any buddies you like to hang out with?

[wishyouneverleft]

So happy you took these steps. I was in a similar situation in my early 20s with a married woman. The guilt led me to break it off. It takes great strength, but understand that what's good for you isn't easy, like swallowing bitter medicine.

 

First off, you need to seek help immediately. Use us as support, but not as a definitive guide to get you through all of this. I've dealt with recovering addicts, ex-cons, divorcees, and there's one thing I've learned about dilemmas like these, we can't do it alone if we don't have the right tools. Also, you're in your late 20s, this assumption may hit you at some point like it hits most of us after a certain age, but know this, you're never too old to start over. I've seen 40 year olds turn their life around and get back from rock bottom. Kernel Sanders started his business in his 60s (KFC).

 

Make everyday the first day of the rest of your life, learn from the failures, scraped knees, falls, and triumphant moments. I wish you the best as you walk in your new path.

Edited February 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Adotta]

I blocked her last night. Road is right reading her messages is not no contact. I still get the urge to unblock but I just think about somthing else and the urge goes away after a bit. I've been jogging and practicing my archery like crazy. I've lost 3 more pounds in the last week and I'm going to be Robin Hood eventually. I haven't been eating much though. My appetite is almost gone entirely. Hence my more pronounced wieght loss this week.

 

It's getting easier without her in my head and talking to me all the time. My cousin is going to join me tonight for darts and a drink. He's a total emotional idiot but he is fun to hang out with. Me my cousin and my brother are psyched up for salmon fishing and that a good 9 months away! We are all in a group text talking about different techniques and gear. It's all a good distraction. I find the times I'm just sitting alone with nothing to really do to be the hardest. I don't really have many friends. and the ones I do have are just friends of my brother or cousin. I spent most of my adult life shunning connections to other people besides my brother and cousin so it's hard to start being social just yet.

 

Not to say I'm the wierd gloomy guy in the corner. It's actually quite the opposite. I can be the life of the party if I want. But it's mostly an act. I know HOW to act like a bro or hit on girls, I just get weirded out and don't really enjoy letting people in. It's like if I don't care about the person I can totally hang with them or flirt with a girl but the second it gets too real I just walk away and stop hanging with them. I think it's fear of rejection or judgment. Allot of people have asked me to hang out in the past but most times I'll hang with them for a few weeks and then suddenly just stop.

[anika99]

Was the oven on?!!! Was the baby ok? I've seen my mother do things similar. No babies but still. I had to put out a few fires in my life because of her. First fire I put out I must have been 10 or so. Thank god I knew what to do. last fire was last year at chistmas new uear time. She broke her back while drunk on a dirt bike now she walked like an 90 year old woman. Her liver is failing and she is abusing med as well.

 

The story about the baby being mistaken for a turkey is an old urban myth that's been passed around since I was a kid. When I first heard it, it was the stoned babysitter. Then it got changed to various other relatives to the baby. As far as I know that has never happened in real life but anything is possible. When parents first started checking their kids Halloween apples for razor blades there had actually never been an apple handed out with a razor blade in it. It was just a fake story but it did happen later on.

 

Anyways I'm so happy for you that you are going to get therapy and take your life in a different direction. Your stepmother is just a horrible person and you will do well to completely cut contact with her. Don't tell anyone else anything right now. Your first priority needs to be to get yourself out of this and to get counselling. Later on when you are in better shape you can decide if you need to tell her husband or anyone else. Best of luck to you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I blocked her last night. Road is right reading her messages is not no contact. I still get the urge to unblock but I just think about somthing else and the urge goes away after a bit. I've been jogging and practicing my archery like crazy. I've lost 3 more pounds in the last week and I'm going to be Robin Hood eventually. I haven't been eating much though. My appetite is almost gone entirely. Hence my more pronounced wieght loss this week.

 

It's getting easier without her in my head and talking to me all the time. My cousin is going to join me tonight for darts and a drink. He's a total emotional idiot but he is fun to hang out with. Me my cousin and my brother are psyched up for salmon fishing and that a good 9 months away! We are all in a group text talking about different techniques and gear. It's all a good distraction. I find the times I'm just sitting alone with nothing to really do to be the hardest. I don't really have many friends. and the ones I do have are just friends of my brother or cousin. I spent most of my adult life shunning connections to other people besides my brother and cousin so it's hard to start being social just yet.

 

Not to say I'm the wierd gloomy guy in the corner. It's actually quite the opposite. I can be the life of the party if I want. But it's mostly an act. I know HOW to act like a bro or hit on girls, I just get weirded out and don't really enjoy letting people in. It's like if I don't care about the person I can totally hang with them or flirt with a girl but the second it gets too real I just walk away and stop hanging with them. I think it's fear of rejection or judgment. Allot of people have asked me to hang out in the past but most times I'll hang with them for a few weeks and then suddenly just stop.

 

Sounds as if you're doing great with NC so far! On down farther in your post when you describe your social interactions it seems to me you may be protecting yourself by not becoming too close to people. Maybe because of your R with your mother partly. And maybe partly because of your temperament, idk.

 

It's great to hear you're going to hang out with buddies and planning the fishing trip!

 

You're a very good writer. Have you finished your education or ever thought of going back to school? Maybe you've gotten it done, though.

[Adotta]

Sounds as if you're doing great with NC so far! On down farther in your post when you describe your social interactions it seems to me you may be protecting yourself by not becoming too close to people. Maybe because of your R with your mother partly. And maybe partly because of your temperament, idk.

 

It's great to hear you're going to hang out with buddies and planning the fishing trip!

 

You're a very good writer. Have you finished your education or ever thought of going back to school? Maybe you've gotten it done, though.

 

One of the reasons I have a hard time talking with people especially my own age is a difference in interests. I really don't understand how people my own age like what they do. Real world big brother reality t.v instagram facebook. I just have no interest in it.

 

No I actually flunked out of highschool. Got my g.e.d... but I never stopped informing myself. I'm always on top of politics and news and love debating a topic over youtube threads or whatnot. I read at least a book or 2 a month. Mostly fantasy or adventure or sci fi but history as well. I was reading a biography on Ulysses S. Grant and another on the fall of Rome the last few month. How am I supposed to talk to somone my own age about that? Their eyes always glaze over. Not to say I'm educated or anything.... there are plenty of holes in my knowledge. I'm pretty bad at complicated math. I don't remember a lick of algebra or calculus. I never liked math. Didn't find much use for anything but addition subtraction multiplication division percents and fractions. I have a pretty solid memory especially for story driven things like history. I was the kind of kid who would argue with my teacher that they where wrong about things. I remember arguing with the teacher that I got a 100 on my test because they where wrong for like 15 minutes before my classmates started telling me to shut up. It was somthing about the neolithic revolution. I had big dreams at one point.... also how am I a good writer? I have trouble even knowing when to start new paragraphs! Lol.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Adotta

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, you are a good writer and a good thinker. If you'd go to college you'd find people who think the way you do and whose eyes don't glaze over when you talk about the things you've mentioned and that you're interested in.

 

You'd do very well in college or university, Adotta. You are cut out for getting an education. It would be so cool for you to begin taking a night class in, say, history at the nearest school to you. Is there a college or university nearby that you could attend?

 

Don't want to push you but, well...yes, I do want to push you, lol! It would change your life and open up so many opportunities for you!

 

PS Lots of people who aren't good at math go to college and graduate.

 

About the paragraph thing: when a paragraph changes subjects, chop it off and start a new one or if it starts looking kind of big, check it out and see if there's a place where the thoughts kind of shift into a new vein and chop it off there! You'll get the hang of it. But, haven't noticed your paragraphs being a problem.

Edited February 11, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[Adotta]

About the paragraph thing: when a paragraph changes subjects, chop it off and start a new one or if it starts looking kind of big, check it out and see if there's a place where the thoughts kind of shift into a new vein and chop it off there! You'll get the hang of it. But, haven't noticed your paragraphs being a problem.

 

I knew the rule to paragraphs but I just feel like somtimes I shift topics but not enough to warrant a new paragraph. Lol. I was always falling asleep in English class!

 

I have to make a decision about my future soon and it's either pick up a trade, start a business or go back to school. I would prefer starting my own business. I hate 9 to 5 jobs and being an underling. The potential for growth is the highest as well.

 

I was actually thinking of getting into distribution like my grandfather. All you need is a product, a truck and storage to start. The money is actually pretty stellar if you do it right. Start up capital is the issue. After that it's all about sales , making connections and expanding.

 

But back to the thread topic... TODAY HAS BEEN GREAT. Best day I've had in months. Nothing in particular happened to make me feel good but I feel my feet are under me again. Blocking her number was the right call. Out of sight out of mind I guess!

 

She still comes to mind but I don't feel obsessive. I think stepping back from this situation with your guys help is really letting me see things clearly. Man I was being pathetic. If anyone I know was doing things like I was I would have slapped them upside the head and told them exactly what they where doing wrong. But now that it was me in the thick of it I guess I wasn't thinking straight!

Edited February 12, 2018 by Adotta

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds great, Adotta! Keep it up! You're moving on from this pretty fast, imo.

Good for you in thinking about starting your own business! I'm sure you'll do well with it if you should decide to go that route!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hopefully I'm not so bad I need a psychologist.

 

Hi, Adotta!

 

Think of it more like you are one of the courageous few who chooses rather to stick his head in the sand like an ostrich wallowing in denial, you are choosing a path of personal growth and enlightenment.. There is not one human being on this planet who couldn't use some help at some point in his/her life. Not everyone is willing to follow through on getting that help unfortunately. Soon you will see yourself far surpassing all the ostriches because you had the courage and wisdom to get in there, and dig deep within yourself to pull out all the greatness that lies within you! I and many others here are rooting for you! Keep up all the great work!!!

 

EDITED TO ADD: I think you are about to take off like a rocket ship!

Edited February 12, 2018 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Adotta]

sorry for not posting the last few day.

 

Good new

 

I've met with my councilor and it was great. She was listening alot and let me bounce alot of thoughts and ideas off of her. She wasnt condescending or preachy and there was very little mention of god. She helped me to see things more clearly. I'm very happy with her so far. She wants me to talk about my childhood alot. She feels I didn't process alot of things in a healthy way. Another thing is she wants me to work on my confidence. At least when it comes to women.

 

Bad new and some good?

 

I fell off the wagon. just for a bit. She showed up last night on my doorstep. She had actually been there for a while. Leaning against the door in the cold when I showed up. She left home with nothing but her keys and a coat. Her husband knows somthing is up. She's been acting iraticly at home I guess and he got the smart idea to ask if she's cheating. To which she gets in a huge argument with him and storms off. She says she's denied everything. I told her that won't work forever. She was half convinced she is going to run away with me. She stayed the night. Yes we slept together. I don't know why I had such an urge to hold her and protect her. One thing led to another and I really put no defense up at all. We held eachother all night long and talked. we talked most of this morning as well and I took the day off work.

 

I think the talk did us good. I apologized for being weak last night and reaffirmed my decision to end it. She was sad and arguing at first but she calmed down and really started listening. I told her I DO LOVE HER , but that's not enough. We can't be together. you guys and the other women other men threads as well as the infidelity forum gave me all the ammo I needed to shoot her ideas down. She would fire back with excuses and pure fantastical bull crap and I would respond with reason and calmness. It really felt like I was talking to a child for a bit. I explained and kinda debated with her the logistics of us being together. The judgment, her son ( my brother ). I explained to her we would need to leave everything. we would have nothing. We talked about our age difference, kids , money her husband my dad. You know all the stuff we avoided talking about before. I talked to her about rewriting marriage history , affair fog and many other things I've learned on this board. I talked about the therapy I'm going to get. I think that hurt her a little. She asked why I need therapy and I explained. She also apologized for insulting me and being crazy. I told her she needs therapy as well. She agreed! She agreed to work on her marriage and family.

 

I really think I got through to her. she might go right back to cheating with somone else but who knows? She was sad but calm and rational when she left. She agreed to try not contacting me any more, ( she wanted to be friends at first... a whole new talk we had... but I said no) and I think she really gets why. We are calling last night our last time. One last good memory. We parted ways with a hug but no kiss. A few hours later I went to my apt. with the councilor.

 

I know you guys are going to say I shouldn't have done this (councilor agrees but is reserving judgment ... pretty much said drug users use the same excuse... one more time and all that.) but a part of me needed this and I'm glad I could help her. Even as messed up as everything is and even if I was taken advantage of as a kid I want to know she's happy and safe. I just can't find it in me to hate her. She is damaged like me.

 

All in all I'm a little pissed at myself for sleeping with her ONE LAST TIME but I'm not going to beat myself up over it AND I'm feeling so much better now. It felt like I was hiding from her before. It doesn't feel like that now. I feel better knowing she's not desperately trying to contact me and also because I have hope for her now. That she can change her life and make things better.

 

I'm also a little worried her husband will find out about me but I can't controll that in the end. So oh well let fate decide for now I guess.

 

What do you guys think? am I just blowing smoke? My councilor warned against any more one last times and did totally agree us having sex was wrong but is totally not judging me for me wanting to talk to her one last time. She is also a fan of no contact.

 

Thanks for listening/reading guys!

 

P.S I showed her ( my councilor) this forum post and she liked the idea and liked what you guys where saying. She told me maybe not to listen to everything here as if its law but overall she says to keep updating here. I need an outlet. She really likes you living water.... I do to.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Adotta

[LivingWaterPlease]

Adotta, I am so glad to read your update! If you hadn't have posted I was going to call you out, lol! Not really! But, I would have posted a check up on you!

 

Thank you for your kind words!

 

I am so enthused about you and your counselor and that she's someone you can relate to! Having someone you can look in the eye, and they can look in your eyes, when you are getting guidance is the best way to go! Also, you have hit the jackpot in that she has experience counseling!

 

About your encounter with ex step. I'm glad to know you weren't the one who initiated it. Also, though, this is a journey for you and even though you had a warm last experience together, I really hear in your post a finality to the R and sense you are ready to move on in every way. So that's very positive!

 

I'm glad to read you were able to stand up to ex step's pleas and to explain rationally to her the folly in staying together. It was the right thing to do for yourself and for her both to once again draw a line in the sand so to speak. So you seem to be in a positive place to me and I also have no judgement for you about it. Again, you're on a journey that will take place over a span of time.

 

As you know, we all have our own perspectives, myself included, so that I feel very good that you have a professional to meet with there. I commend you on sharing this thread with her. Though I have good intentions, as I've mentioned before most of us aren't counselors here (I'm certainly not) and so it seems good to me for her to stay updated on this thread. I believe you are at a pivotal place in your life and that real change is taking place for you at possibly an unusual pace of growth from what I've seen on LS and IRL.

 

Yes, please do continue to post! Many of us are cheering you on and appreciate that you're taking time to keep us updated.

Edited February 15, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[BluesPower]

I think you did well...

 

And, if you stick to everything that you are writing, I think it was probably not the end of the world that you slept with her.

 

If she leaves you alone and gets on with her life, I think you will both be better off.

 

It sounds like you are on the right track...

[Adotta]

No new news in regard to my ex step. She's stayed NC and it's been better every day. She's not on my mind almost at all. I still get a few memories but it's not jagged and twisted with worry and indecision. I'm actually suprised how easy this is. 2 weeks ago I was a mess. Today I feel strong and decisive.... mostly. I'm really starting to think I never loved her. I don't really understand what my feeling where. But I don't think love goes away this fast.

 

OK now the bit where I need advice.

 

I've been going on jogs for almost every day the last 6 months. There is a gas station that's more like a sub shop pizza shop and grocery store all mixed into that has become my halfway point where I turn back and head home. I actually worked there about 3 years ago. It didn't last long but that's not the point.

 

There was a girl who worked there when I worked there..... a real cutey. Not really boxxum like I'm used to being attracted to.... like my ex step. But good god she's cute. A little on the short side but very fit. I ended up quiting and never saw her or really had any reason to go to the gas station as I never go that way to work or for anything else. But my jogs take me there daily now. I get a coffee and take a breather and somtimes a small pastry for breakfast.

 

At first we barely talked but she was friendly and actually commented about my lost wieght. But for the last month we have talked whenever she is there and I happen to be there. I never really noticed or was all that interested as my head was full of OTHER things at the time but for the last week I've really been noticing signals. if I'm there and she is there she ALWAYS comes out from behind the counter to talk... she's actually got in trouble a few times by the manager lol. Before I just thought she was being friendly but in the last few weeks or so she's started touching my shoulders or arms and sending all sorts of signals. Hair flicking and hair playing, talking about herself and asking tons about me. she also let's me touch her on her hand or arm... I've not been creepy about it just testing the water so to speak. She talks about her interests and we have the same tastes in movies. Get this she likes fishing and hunting too! Shes a little country girl! She reads books and I recomend books to her and she recomends ones to me. ( she reads alot of romance novels... bleh one difference I guess) I tease her all the time and she takes its like a champ and teases right back.

 

A part of me always thought it was too good to be true but today I asked for her number out of nowhere and she gave it to me. I've been texting her and she's been texting me all day. Some flirty but mostly more of the same.

 

The part that complicates this for me is I don't know I'm ready for anything. But I don't want to just wave goodbye either. I don't want to keep her on the line as well just waiting for me to work my **** out. I also worry she's just a rebound. It's very confusing. I haven't asked her out and everything is still under the cloak of friendship and a part of me still fears if I ask her out she will tell me she isn't interested in me that way. she also going to college locally and I feel like dead wieght like me isn't good for her. She going to be a vet. That's a little intimidating....

 

What is your opinion on starting somthing with her? Would I be doing her a disservice by trying anything?

 

With my lost wieght and my more muscled build showing through again ( I'm also hitting the weights as well for almost a year) I'm starting to look good and my confidence is returning well. I have some stretch marks but they are not as bad as they could have been. I've actually been receiving some looks and some flirting from a few girls lately. None I was interested in..... sorry I have overly high standards. If I'm not attracted I just ignore them. She's the first one who's been flirting with me that I'm actually interested in in a long long time. I feel like I'm in middle school and early high school again. I was a bit popular back then. Not a stud or anything but I got some attention.... too bad I was obsessed with a woman 15 years older then me and wouldn't give "little girls" the time of day. Yeah I was a real ****.

 

So do I just let this one go? Give it more time? Give it a go? I want to talk to my councilor about it but my meeting is next week and I had bigger fish to fry when I talked to her last time. With my head out of my ass and what seems to be a new wind in my sails I really want to try a romance. One that's not ****ed from the start. But it's also a fact I just slept with my ex step just 4 days ago....

 

Any suggestions? My brother and my cousin are horrible with women. I'm not all the great either but I'm much better at picking up social cues. I would ask them for advice I guess but they don't know the context of anything going on with me basicly. I'm sure they would just ask if she's hot and if I say yes they would say hit that and see where it goes. Am I over analyzing? Living water did warn me against startin any relationships untill I've completely righted my ship but the last week has been so new and invigorating. I want to keep this roll going. I got to admit her attention is doing wonders for me. I think it's part of the reason moving on has been so easy for me.

 

I feel like I should give this more time. Like a few weeks at least. Just stay friends for now. But would I be crazy if I tried anything?

 

I know normally this should be posted somewhere else but in the context of what's been happening I feel like I should post here.

 

Oh I'm also another half pound down. The wieght has been melting off lately. I've been starving myself a bit. ( less then 1600 calories a day with a high exertion work out plan) I'm 16 pounds from my goal wieght. I'm actually concerned my muscle mass has increased to the point that my goal wieght might be unrealistic. My abs are starting to show again! Jesus I never thought I would see them again. It's been such a long battle but I'm almost there and even when I'm down to a great trimmed body I don't plan on stopping the exercise and lifting. Working on my looks and body have become a habit of mine.

Edited February 17, 2018 by Adotta
crap cell keyboard auto correct and grammer corrections

[niji]

Wow... Adotta. Your story hurt my heart. You were very vulnerable, and coupled that with a manipulative, unstable stepmom who seems like she never grew up ruined a lot of things. Your childhood, your father's relationship with women, etc. But the most important thing is, you're not to blame. And I'm so glad you quit her. Just keep on going, and remember that just like drugs, toxic relationships are easy to relapse. As soon as you think you're "over" her, remind yourself that she's like a drug, and do your best to never ever let her back in your life. The age difference is large but it's the thing that matters the least in this story. She could have been your age (let's ignore the fact that you both would have been illegal at the time ), but the fact that she cheated on her husband with her husband's SON, means she's not someone you should be around, ever.

 

As to your new prospect... I don't think you've healed, not even close. Something so traumatic needs time to heal. If you rush into a relationship now, you'll either 1) get bored of a stable relationship and start to seek a toxic one (aka returning to the "familiar"), or 2) latch on to the new relationship regardless of how toxic it is. There's nothing wrong with flirting with a cute girl and gaining your confidence back; it's healthy! When I was losing weight I found that more and more men talked to me, and even though I didn't start dating until much later, the confidence was nice to have.

 

You may let her know you're interested but not ready to date seriously at all at this point; in a few years once you've healed, and she's available, there's always a chance to get back together. You seem like a bright and kind guy; you're not old at all to find someone new. Heck, I'd say you even have room for a few more failed relationships (hopefully they'll be nowhere near as toxic as the one with your stepmom). Relationships are all about trial and error; as long as there's no abuse (like what your stepmom did with you), and both sides respect each other, you will learn from both successful and failed relationships.

 

I'm cheering for you. Please keep us all updated!

Edited February 17, 2018 by niji

[Adotta]

A FEW YEARS!!!! Jesus!!! Hell to the no. If you had told me give it a few months with staying friends or let this one go and try again with somone new when things are not so fresh with ex step then I would entertain the idea... but a few years!!!! No no no no. I need sex!! I need companionship.

 

Part of me thinks the only reason I jumped in bed with ex step again is for those two things. not because she was the be all end all. I was just hungry for affection I think.

 

I'm really getting over her. I know that's hard to believe so fast but I really think I didn't love her. When I told her I loved her during our Farwell night it actually felt like a big lie. I actually kind of pitied her and looked down on her. Shes a hot mess.

 

This girl is so great. She's understanding and kind but not a pushover. She likes to go on adventures and explore stuff. She likes hard talks. She isnt conflict avoiding. we both like singing. How the hell am I supposed to find another attractive girl who fits the bill so perfectly? attractive girls are a dime a dozen but not ones like this!

 

God why did my ex step mom after show back up in my life. This would be so clear cut otherwise.

 

One thing I know is I need sex! Badly. if I'm not ready for a relationship for YEARS then it's NSA for me as Hookers are never an option. But nsa seems so skeezy as well.

 

I really think this girl will be good for me.... and if not oh well. I've dealt with enough ****ty situations in my life to be able to know how to survive another.

 

I'm coming around to the idea of letting this wait for a month or two and see what happens with my councilor or see if I start craving the drug as you put it. But a few years..... no no no no and no.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Adotta, great to read your new posts! I plan to comment later on. Have an apt I need to run out to and don't want to rush through my replies to you!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Adotta, was great to read your latest posts. Now this is where I hesitate to speak out because I'm not your counselor but I'll give you some thoughts for what it's worth.

 

I'm glad to read you've disconnected from your ex step. And I like that you have a new friend who just happens to be a woman, or girl, can't recall her age, that you're also attracted to.

 

It sounds good to me that the girl you're attracted to has a job she's kept for awhile, is in school, has goals, is someone you can communicate with well. And that you have some history with her so that you know she's stable.

 

I would think that the longer you stay "just friends" with her the better your relationship would be in the long term. It seems to me you've been trying to keep it as just friends. But, I can imagine that may be difficult for you to do much longer. I don't know. It sounds to me from what you post that she definitely is interested in you as more than just a friend, if I had to guess.

 

This (how to proceed with this friendship with the new girl) is where your counselor could advise you better than I. The new girl sounds like someone special and I really want you to have the best experience with her possible, whatever that may entail.

 

One of my concerns for you would be that you become involved with the new girl and for some reason along the way, such as you have a disagreement, or anything else, you might be tempted to see the ex step again, as a bandaid for the issue. I'm not predicting this will happen, I'm just trying to think of things for you to be careful of.

 

Your thoughts and feelings about a past inappropriate experience could have a way of inserting itself into this new relationship at an unpredictable time and in an unpredictable way is another thing I'm concerned about. But, your counselor will know what to be cautious about. I'm so glad you went ahead and got set up with her!

 

I wish I had the experience to guide you through this new relationship, but I don't.

 

Everything you write about the girl sounds great to me, but it seems reasonable to me to believe there may be aspects of beginning a new relationship that could be tricky this soon after being in a R such as you had with ex step. I just don't know what those aspects might be.

 

When do you see your counselor again? Wednesday of this week or of the following week?

[Adotta]

Yeah I can see how you would be worried about me going back if things got rocky. I know I shouldn't head into an R willy nilly and I don't plan too. She's 21 by the way. I worry that she's still just starting to come out into the world but so am I. She's has sown some wild oats of her own from what I can tell. I'm not stupid enough to ask a number but she hasn't been to shy about it. It's one of the reasons I like her. She doesn't shade the truth to spare my feelings.

 

My apt. is for next week. We have it set for 2 times a month every other wed.

 

I'm leaning towards giving it time. I'm really just making sure my ex step is out of my system. In a few weeks I'll reevaluate.

 

It's going to be hard. We already have plans for next week. She has a brothers birthday party and she invited me. The party has me exited because it shows she isn't afraid to let her family meet me. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it. Even if we do start being more then just friends, I plan on holding off on sex until I'm sure I'm not just using her like a life raft. It's going to be hard to not start putting the moves on her. This is the first time I've been flirty and connecting to somone like this who is normal and I get a little giddy at times.

 

I really think I should just take it slow and not over think this. Reading what I just wrote kinda seems creepy and over dramatized to me. I just need to chill and not get ahead of myself.